JiltedJane Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 I am in dire need of advice, guidance, any words of insight or encouragement. Three years ago, I had a blind sided break up with a guy who I really thought was "the one". We were only together for 9 months, but I fell head over heels for him and genuinely thought he felt the same. We are both in our mid to late thirties. Since then, no matter what I do, I cannot get him out of my mind. I have kept myself more than busy.... In the last three years, I have gotten a masters degree, travelled to seven different countries, had a cancer scare, been engaged to another man (who stole thousands of dollars and then ghosted me-if anything I should be obsessed with him), and dated a few others here and there. I've done practical things to cope: I've gone to therapy, tried anti-depressants to stop the crying and numb the pain, talked to whoever would listen, went to grad school, threw myself into my career, tried meditation. I've done things in the other extreme... I've gone to psychics, cleansed my home with sage and Santo Palo, "realigned" my chakras, etc. I deleted him from Facebook and Instagram. Deleted all photographic evidence of our relationship. I never go to his area of town and avoid anywhere he or his friends may be. And somehow, he will not leave my heart and my mind. My subconscious will not let him go. I dream of him at least twice a week.. lucid dreams. Ones where we are together in the future, ones where the breakup repeats in a loop, ones where I'm meeting him for the first time and feel the way I felt the moment we met. Even twisted ones where we're in high school and he takes the place of those boyfriends during significant events. I then wake up with such a heaviness in my heart. Everywhere I go, I get little reminders of him. The universe keeps putting them in my lap. The weird thing is.....I do not even want him back. I do not actually miss him. I have never once thought to myself " I wish _____ was here". His breakup with me was cruel....just brutal and mean. If he showed up and apologized, offered me everything I wanted...I would say no. When I'm awake, I do not even fantasize about him or entertain the idea of a reunion. He does not cross my mind when I'm busy or during any exciting or stressful events. It's when I'm at rest that I'm consumed by his memory. I saw him about a year ago in a restaurant with his friends, and he HID on me. His friends all stared at me, mouths open, whispering to him, while he hid from me. And the thing is, when I saw him, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t attracted to him , my heart didn’t pine for him… I was angry. Genuinely pissed off at his cowardice. This guy was literally inside me, and now he can’t even wave? What is wrong with me? I feel like a lunatic that will never be happy with anyone else. My subconscious does not want to let him go. I'm afraid i'll end up like Miss Havasham. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 Have you been to a psychologist? If not, consider that. Although you find it troubling, it seems like you are addressing it well. You're living a normal life except for your recurring lucid dreams (and other thoughts of him?) You are also aware that what's in your mind is exactly that - what's in your mind and not at all the reality of this person. Perhaps there is something you could do IN your lucid dreams that would cause thoughts of him to diminish significantly? Something that would "create closure"? There may be no answer than to keep doing what you're doing (including moving on to new people via dating etc). In the meantime, possibly a psychologist could help. You could trying praying as well. Although personally I don't like "asking for something" when I pray, perhaps you don't share that aversion. And it might help. Wish I could be of more help. Some issues are difficult to resolve. Consider trying the suggestions above if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 Oh yeah, you could consider actually talking to him as well. Not to vent or try to restart anything obviously (even friendship) and definitely not to tell him about your obsessive thoughts (who knows what he'll do, he doesn't sound very mature). But just to talk to him. My thought is that this might create a "new ending" to this where you get a voice in deciding how it goes, etc. You talk to him, as a more neutral person, and then you get to walk away. Possibly this could help the obsessive thoughts to ease up? Not sure - it might make it worse, but it sounds like you're already in distress, so maybe something to consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 Hmm. Did you ever find out why he wanted to break up? It seems unnatural that he would try to hide from you when you bumped into him. Sure, it might be uncomfortable to bump into ex if there's a bad break-up, but he was hiding from you? Something isn't adding up. Maybe part of the reason is also because you thought he was "the one". When you think someone is that unicorn for you, it's hard to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 Dreams are nature's way of doing "housekeeping" in our brains - cleaning up & resolving everything we absorb (see, hear, smell, etc.) during the day when we're conscious... with all the other stuff we've absorbed over the years, since birth. If we didn't dream, we would go nuts. The people and things in our dreams are normally symbols for something else that your brain is trying to resolve. I don't know where you would go to find a dream interpreter... but I think there's something significant going on with the recurring dreams of your ex - something that has nothing to do with him personally. He symbolizes something else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 24, 2019 Author Share Posted October 24, 2019 Hmm. Did you ever find out why he wanted to break up? It seems unnatural that he would try to hide from you when you bumped into him. Sure, it might be uncomfortable to bump into ex if there's a bad break-up, but he was hiding from you? Something isn't adding up. Maybe part of the reason is also because you thought he was "the one". When you think someone is that unicorn for you, it's hard to let go. His breakup was cruel and brutally honest. He came to my apartment with plans for us to go out that night. He started shaking in a panic. I asked what was wrong and then he dropped the bomb. Some of the things he said were " I don't love you. Honestly I never even liked you, i don't know why I ever wanted to date you in the first place." Followed by a " I just want to let you know I never cheated on you. But I've had plenty of opportunities to do so, and yea my mind went there." Then a " And don't beat yourself up, you're very attractive. I wouldn't have dated you if you weren't attractive, we both know I'm shallow." At one point he said I was selfish for asking him to go as my date to my friends wedding, because "this wasn't his family, these aren't his friends, etc" All of this coming from the mouth of a 35 year old man. I applauded him for his honesty at the time, but literally everyone I discuss this with, including womanizers, has said that his words were mean. He did this two weeks before the wedding of my best friend, and the night before the bachlorette party. I had to go to these events as the token single girl and really hold it together. Three weeks prior to the breakup, he planned a romantic trip for us where he told me how his life was **** before he met me, I was gorgeous, he couldn't imagine life without me, etc. This scenario plays out in my dreams frequently. When I realize whats happening and try to change it, I wake up. Sometimes I think of his words and I'll just start bawling. It's pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 Sounds like he at first was trying to force feelings that actually weren't there. I've done this too in the past, only to realize it later. Then, when he woke up from his madness, decided to just blurt out to you what he was feeling and thinking because he know there's no easy way to say it. I'm sorry you were hurt. I think it's the rejection that is keeping you stuck. It seems rejection creates obsession. But you are correct that unrequited love is very, very painful. Also there is nothing wrong with a single woman going to a wedding alone. That is a great place to meet men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 Maybe not PTSD, but something slightly akin to it. It's trauma and your brain keeps replaying it and to a certain extent that neural pathway is "well worn" and so gets revisited, unfortunately. You mentioned therapists. Maybe look up one who genuinely specializes in grief/trauma/romantic trauma - these sorts of distress issues - and see if they have any approaches you haven't tried yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 Your post has a lot of contradictions that don't make sense. On the one hand you say you have no feelings for this ex,don't want him back, he doesn't even cross your mind, etc. But you titled this thread " the torture of unrequited love" and describe in great detail how nothing you have tried has helped you move on. I have dreams of my exes all the time. The last guy I was with for 10 yrs, we had a very troubled relationship but I was madly in love with him and I still live in the same neighborhood we lived in together so lots of memories everywhere I look and I he is often in my dreams but I don't find that troubling because I really am as indifferent to him as you claim to be to your ex. I enjoy the happy memories and when I dream of him in some weird crazy context it just makes me laugh at how silly dreams can be. So either you're carrying a torch for this guy or you're not. If you really don't want him back, don't miss him, don't even have much thought of him during you're awake hours, then I fail to see why memories or dreams of him would be so upsetting to you. In any case I think whatever you're going through really isn't about him. You have been broken up with him three times longer than you were with him. It sounds like something about that relationship triggered something in you that had nothing to do with him. Perhaps you had some long deep buried abandonment issues, perhaps you were on the brink of developing an obsessive disorder and the breakup brought it on in full. Perhaps your ego just can't handle the rejection he delivered. I don't say that in a shallow way, blows to the ego are truly horrendous and difficult to recover from. You need therapy again but find a good therapist who won't allow you to make this all about an ex you dated for 9 months 3yrs ago. He is not the root of this problem or even the cause of it. Your inability to move on and enjoy life has nothing to do with him, you have something else going on that needs to be addressed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 24, 2019 Author Share Posted October 24, 2019 (edited) @anika99.... I have gone on to enjoy life. If you read above, I’ve kept myself busy. Had plenty of good times and improved m life. I again have gone through sprints of not thinking of him, and I truly don’t want him back and accepted the relationship is over. It’s when I sleep or not busy at all when the memories pop up. I don’t want to think about this guy, it’s really my dreams and subconscious torturing me. Again, I do not want him back—- I just can’t fully let go of this pain. Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 This scenario plays out in my dreams frequently. When I realize whats happening and try to change it, I wake up. Sometimes I think of his words and I'll just start bawling. It's pathetic. It's not pathetic. It's painful. There's rejection and then there's rejection. The way he did it was cold and cruel. If I had been with someone for 9 months, and that's how he chose to breakup, I would not have handled it well. That's got to sting in multiple levels, from how the hell did I pick such a di** as a boyfriend, to your sense of self-worth. How could someone that you thought likes you (or even loves you) could say these things? I don't have a lot of advice other than go back to find another therapist that can help you get through to the real source of your pain. If you are having a lot of nightmares or dreams about it, there is obviously still something unresolved. It's worth digging into some more. I'm sorry I don't have any other good advice for you, but maybe others can chime in. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 Again, I do not want him back—- I just can’t fully let go of this pain. Then you need to get back into therapy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 I just can’t fully let go of this pain. That's a voluntary statement and act. These feelings aren't attached to you, you're holding on to them because they serve some purpose, perhaps subconsciously. Then you need to get back into therapy. Amen... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 24, 2019 Author Share Posted October 24, 2019 (edited) @Mr. Lucky... How is it voluntary when I’ve done literally everything I can do to get rid of these feelings and memories? If you read above you’ll see I’ve gone to great lengths to change my life for the better. And I don’t do anything to trigger these memories like stalking online. As for the dreams, if I Had control I’d pick something cool like flying- not a devastating memory. Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 I'm sure in therapy you will be able to get to the root of the problem in your subconscious as it relates to him. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 No one is shaming you or trying to make you feel bad about what's happening. But I do agree it's worth exploring why you used the words "unrequited love" -- that's very, very different from a rough breakup. Maybe it's worth trying to work through those feelings in therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 On waking you seem to be at terms with the break up. It’s when you’re sleeping or resting. Kind of sounds like the breakup triggered or tapped into an area within you that was vulnerable, OR left you with some “damage”. The mind clearly is revisiting this period and it leaves you significantly affected afterwards. Significantly enough to cause concern, unlike say a mere nightmare. It’s likely not actually unrequited love more some deep pain caused by present issues this break either pushed a button on OR left you with after the fact. Either way the mind sees that event or period as very relevant to characterise whatever malady (ies), fears or anxiety it is struggling to excise. I’d suggest counselling. You might have to try a few before you click with one. They’re all individuals. Bit like doctors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 How is it voluntary when I’ve done literally everything I can do to get rid of these feelings and memories? If you read above you’ll see I’ve gone to great lengths to change my life for the better. Jane, you're confusing two different things. Congrats on the changes you have made, lots of hard work involved. But who knows how much further you'd be were you not dragging these emotional anchors behind you? You've made a choice, albeit unconsciously, to hold on to the hurt from a relationship that ended 3 years ago, even still calling it "love". Not a healthy path, and something you should unpack with a professional. Hope you find what you're looking for... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 How long did you stay in therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Jowo Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 This is my take : could be nonesense but hope it can help in some way... It feels like there is a disconnect between your concious thoughts (Your will to move on and let go) and your unconcious thoughts (still stuck on an unresolved situation). The idea would be to reconnect both in an honest way through a little bit of work. You seem still quite uncomfortable with the way the breakup happened and associated feelings (anger, loss) with that "snapshot" your brain took the D day. That snapshot allowed you to protect yourself at that time but it's time to decide that you don't need that anymore. There are many ways to work on that, here is just a suggestion : How about trying to forgive him, wish him the best and say goodbye ? - The point is not letting him know you forgive him for what he has done, but do it for yourself. Allow yourself to move on, do it for your own good because you deserve to be happy. See yourself as a kind person who is able to take the high road, let go and still care for the people even if they have hurt you. You don't have to carry failure, anger or remorse anymore. This won't solve all your problemes but if it can at least make you feel good about yourself it's a great start. See yourself as a kind and loving person. - Say goodbye to all the things you had imagined for both of you, make a very detailed list of all the things you miss or the things that you were hoping for. Feel the emotions, read them out loud cry if you feel like it and finally say goodbye once and for all. It's not about your concious thoughts, it's influencing your unconcious brain. This may sound cliché or stupid but it's really about you talking to your subconcious and influencing it positivly. Seeking for help outside, through him, this forum or a therapy is a good thing too (postive and non violent communication can never be a bad thing).But in the end the only one able to resolve your issues is yourself. Talk to yourself, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to be happy for you and for him and let go at your own pace. You can really be proud of all that you have accomplished, this work is easy compared to all the rest you have done these past 3 years, just allow yourself to do it. Good luck, you are a beautiful person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 @anika99.... I have gone on to enjoy life. If you read above, I’ve kept myself busy. Had plenty of good times and improved m life. I again have gone through sprints of not thinking of him, and I truly don’t want him back and accepted the relationship is over. It’s when I sleep or not busy at all when the memories pop up. I don’t want to think about this guy, it’s really my dreams and subconscious torturing me. Again, I do not want him back—- I just can’t fully let go of this pain. Right, it's the pain that's holding you back, not memories or dreams. As I said I have memories galore of my ex and he is often in my dreams. Actually the father of my kids still pops into my dreams sometimes and I we broke up over twenty years ago. Perfectly normal to have dreams and memories of an ex, it would be weird not to, but once we are truly over an ex and healed there shouldn't be any pain attached to those memories or dreams. The memories and dreams are not the problem, it's that you still find them so painful. If you are over your ex then why are memories of him so painful? Why is it so upsetting to you when he's in your dreams if you don't care about him? Why did you use the term unrequited love in your title? If you are truly over this guy then that pain is rooted in something else. The breakup reopened some old unresolved wound deep that was buried or perhaps triggered an obsessive disorder. Or you are not over this guy at all but you are not being honest with yourself about that. Can you explain the title of your post and why you chose those words? If you are still pining for this guy then that's not healthy either because he was a jerk. And no matter where the pain is coming from it's really got nothing to do with him at this point. Even if it's about unrequited love, this is still about you needing to get to the source of the pain. The guy I mentioned before, the one I was with for 10yrs, I had a really hard time getting over him. He was personality disordered and so our relationship was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. The highs were the greatest feeling I had ever felt, better than any drug, it was like magic. Two years after we broke up I was still in great pain and I didn't understand it because I didn't want him back either. I didn't miss him or his emotional instability at all so the pain made no sense. Eventually I came to understand that what I was really missing were those incredible emotional highs. I wanted to recapture those feelings with a new person but that was sort of impossible because those highest highs were kind of dependent on the lowest lows that I also went through in that relationship. Therapy helped me with this while I also addressed some old abandonment issues from my childhood. So it could be that you miss a certain feeling you had with your ex or a certain period in time and it's causing you pain to let go of that time or that feeling. I dunno, I'm just throwing out possibilities but this is for you to figure out and a good therapist can help you do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 25, 2019 Author Share Posted October 25, 2019 (edited) i guess i titled it as "unrequited love", because ultimately that's what it was. I loved him, really thought he loved me, and when he dumped me with such cruelty-i went into a tail spin. Not wanting to deal with the pain is what motivated me to meet other people and improve my life. It's confusing for me as well- i don't want him back at all, yet those words hurt whenever I think about it. It's just so strange because like i said in my first post, since that break up I almost married another man. A man who i was friends with for several years and then dated for two years. A man who stole nearly $4K from me and then disappeared without warning. If anything, I should be obsessed with this guy, yet I got over it in 3 months. That was a total betrayal, and I have yet to have dreams about him or that event. Edited October 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 It sounds like you are (no doubt unconsciously) choosing bad partners. I'd say "fix it" but I suspect it's easier said than done. IMO there is a good chance that this second guy was a sociopath. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 That was a total betrayal, and I have yet to have dreams about him or that event. Dreams aren't some kind of talisman, they don't rank the people in our lives in some order of importance. You're stuck because some part of you wants to be. Seems strange you'd work hard to convince us you've moved on when you obviously haven't convinced yourself. But we'll keep listening if you think it helps ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 (edited) I am in dire need of advice, guidance, any words of insight or encouragement. Three years ago, I had a blind sided break up with a guy who I really thought was "the one". We were only together for 9 months, but I fell head over heels for him and genuinely thought he felt the same. We are both in our mid to late thirties. Since then, no matter what I do, I cannot get him out of my mind. You say you don't want him back and I believe you. Is it possible that what you want back, what is still so painful, is the loss of the perfection of who you thought he was, the idea that he also thought you were perfect, and of the spectacular time you had when you were together? You had this incredible man and perfect relationship which were both shattered in an instant by a monster person. He stole a treasure from you that you haven't been able to replace and may fear you never will be able to do so. Even if he were to come back, he couldn't replace what he stole from you. You may think you've forgiven him, but have you really? Or is it possible that you believe there is something about yourself or something you did that caused him to do this? If this is so, could you forgive yourself for being human? For having a fault (as all humans do). Were you expected to be perfect as you grew up and feel that you failed because you couldn't keep this man you almost idolized? Do you feel you weren't good enough to keep his interest? These are things that could be at the base of your obsession. Do you need to learn to allow yourself to be human, to have faults and not be required to be perfect? Btw, I believe it's possible that this person who believes he is horrible and cowardly (he knows what he did) still hides from you because of the shame of his behavior in the break up and because he probably has conflicting feelings about you he hasn't dealt with. Edited October 26, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
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