FMW Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 I kind of get it, I've experienced something similar. I'm over the guy, as in no way in hell would I ever want anything to do with him, but I'm not over the breakup, how he went about it. You're not over the shock of how mean he was about it, still trying to figure out how, why, what, etc. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, I just wanted to maybe make you not feel so alone about it. Some things just take more time to process and move on from than others. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 People used to call me Ms. Havasham when I was young. I think I might have been mourning something from a past life. I would literally put on widow's clothes and kneel on a hillside and stuff like that. Anyway, I wonder if the brutal breakup (what did he say/do? Why did he break up with you?) might have given you PTSD. If so, you are doing all the right things to try to get past it, but it is hard to get rid of. The other thing, since you are a lucid dreamer, I want you to try these exercises. If there is a character in some of these dreams that you do not really know, I want you to ask them "Who are you?" You may get an answer of what they represent. Decades ago, I had this short blond woman in some of my dreams and I asked her who she was, and she said, "I'm sex, stupid." The other thing is if you are bothered by too many troubling dreams about him, I want you to go to bed as usual and then, maybe 10-20 minutes before you think you'll nod off, I want you to consciously think about that whole situation. Don't do it for more than a couple of minutes. Just be methodical. Here's what happened. Do I know why it happened? If not, is there anything I can do about that? Is there anything I can change now that might help? Exhaust your choices and then take on the philosophy, If I can fix it, I'll take a step to fix it. If I can't, I want to stop worrying about it because it's beyond my control and a waste of time. So you basically do a summary and a conclusion before you go to sleep. And because you gave conscious time to the problem, your subconscious will not be as prolific on the subject (the subconscious takes on things you have not processed consciously). Now, it's also true that sometimes there are things in your subconscious that you are not ready to hear consciously but those things will come out when you can handle them. So your sleeping mind is going to be like, Nope, already dealt with that thought earlier, and go on to something else. Your issues could have to do with any number of things. Just examples: The situation hit a nerve because of some other situation in the past (such as abandonment or any unpleasantness from your earlier life). It could be that you have yet to understand your culpability in the breakup. It could be you're mad at yourself for ignoring red flags. It could be you had an idealistic outlook and thought love would fix everything. These are all questions you could explore in that couple of minutes before sleeping. At least try it. I've found lucid dreaming can move you on to the next stage if you take advantage of it. Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyPSmith Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 I relate to your situation OP. It's been nearly 2 years since the breakup and I find myself consumed with thoughts of her. Its an unhealthy obsession. I felt that I was pretty dang good in the relationship, deserving of a proper and respectful breakup. But when she left, she said things that invalidated us. She said hurtful personal things to me. She denied a final goodbye between us and our kids. I thanked her for our time together and she replied "ditto". It was all done over text. She moved on rather quickly to a much younger guy. I spent months and months crying. With that out of the way, ive gone to the gym, traveled, dated, was on medication for a good bit of this two years, lots of therapy, reading, listening to podcasts, audiobooks, self administered EMDR, drank, drugs, sex, self destruction...you name it. Yet it is still here. I feel at this point that a healthy chunk of this is related to my ego. I felt that I deserved more but was treated like I didn't. I feel like I was robbed of my essence. Now im struggling to get it back and the only way my subconscious knows how is to ruminate and think of her. Rehash conversations, dream, hate, and all of it is pointless as im nothing more than a blip on the timeline of her past. Like you, I dont even want her back. Just an apology of sorts. So maybe the answer here, for both of us, is to somehow reconcile it as a bad experience that doesn't define us but that just something that happened to us. I dont even know how to do it. Maybe enough time has to pass that other life experiences bubble up to compare against and eventually help it fade away. Maybe there is some form of magical therapy that can help. I haven't found it although EMDR has helped to uproot some of the repressed feelings. Maybe its PTSD? Some type of traumatic bonding? Limerence? Were there too many other negative experiences in your life that all combined to present this ugly disease? Maybe our self esteem has been damaged and we just want it back. And they seem to have the only key to that. I really wish I had some helpful advice to give you. Id like that kind of advice as well. Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Like others have said, maybe you don’t miss him but you miss what he represented to you? Or what you got from the relationship and that’s why you can’t let go. Also,it’s a lot harder to get over something that was traumatic—it’s not the same as just having your heart broken. The emotional hangover from the dreams may be your subconscious way of trying to work through the trauma and the sadness of how the breakup made you feel. Did it make you feel unworthy? Helpless? Etc. THAT is what you have unresolved. It’s not your feelings for him specifically anymore. I’m kind of working through something similar myself and I understand how hard it is. Don’t give up trying to figure it out, you’ll get there. And by the way, what a jerk—I see why it was traumatic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 Thanks everybody for your replies. Especially those with words of encouragement and kindness. As sorry as I am for those of you going through the same thing, I’m glad I’m not alone and not a complete lunatic. There have been a lot of up and downs emotionally and mentally for me the last couple years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 You are obsessing and you do not know how to stop. It is irrational. I got help from a book called STOP Obsessing by Edna Foa. She is a OCD psychologist who advocates a cognitive behavioral approach that says that the more you try to stop your thoughts, the more likely they gain strength in your mind. You give the thoughts power by struggling against them. Devote a certain time to think about him, only. Try to avoid it when the time comes and do not constantly think about thinking it. She is correct. Don't blame yourself or do self recrimination. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 Any words of advice or theories on just the overall detachment I feel towards any romantic prospect or dating in general? I feel like these last two men just took any last shred of hope I have. Or maybe the dating pool is just weird now since I’m in my thirties now Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Are you clear in your own objectives? Looking to settle down and start a family or just exclusive companionship? That would be the place to start... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I have unconventional approaches to these things. It never helped me to block an ex or not to look at their social media. Then I keep imagining they are missing me but know that their contact is unwelcome. When I look at their social media and see them with a new gf, there is no room for illusions. Nothing breaks the spell faster. So I would contact him. There is obviously something that keeps bugging you. Either you don't understand how he pretended to be in love all that time or how he fell out of love so quickly. I would straight up ask him and tell him that how he went about things made you feel. At worst, he won't reply but it may give you that final dose of rejection you need to move on. Sometimes you have to walk through the fire to leave it behind. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Any words of advice or theories on just the overall detachment I feel towards any romantic prospect or dating in general? Keep trying until you find someone you can actually relate to. If you live near a large urban area there are literally 10's of thousands of potential prospects. What has your sample size of the local population of eligible men actually been? Perhaps take "a gotta kiss a lot of frogs" approach until you find someone who actually "works" for you? Link to post Share on other sites
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