When your teen girl has an illmannered boyfriend

[Gaeta]

So, it had to happen eventually eh!

 

I agreed with her having a boyfriend because he was younger (14), still very much a boy and is in a program for gifted students. He's a good influence on her concerning her study, he helps her, encourages her to put in more time studying etc. I have seen a change in her toward homework and school work.

 

Now the boy, although he's highly intelligent he's terribly ill-mannered. His parents are bit hippies with no structures at home, no meal time, no bed time, etc. It's amazing he's the recipient of several Meritas.

 

My problem: He swears like a sailor, he says hello to me and ignores my bf, he raids our fridge and pantry, he can easily eat an entire box of cookies + half a jug of ice cream and drink 3 cans of soft drinks in 1 afternoon. He doesn't ask he just helps himself. He interrupts us when we speak, he knows better than we do on any subject, he leaves the table and never offers to help with the dishes, he says things to Claire that has me jump like your mom is a whore.

 

I have solved a few of those problems, I usually go through Claire and tell her....tell your boyfriend when he's at our house there is NO swearing at the table and no swearing in front of me. It worked so far.

 

About calling her mother names I have addressed that with him directly. I said it's not because Claire has issues with her mom that she doesn't love her, your words are hurtful to her. No more name calling....that seems to be a very difficult request as once in a while he still uses name calling toward her mother...even her father who's deceased. She was telling him a story that when she was little she saw her father pulled a fingernail out himself cause it was black...he replied: your dad was stupid.

 

Each time after he visits I have to tell Claire honey I need to address something concerning your bf...and she replies: *sigh* what now?

 

I do appreciate him, he doesn't have a bad heart he doesn't know better because of the way he was raised (or not raised). He is also very young at heart and holding hands and the occasional kiss is all he has in mind. Claire told me she really appreciates being with a boy that doesn't sexualize her, she appreciates that after what she went through.

 

Do you suggest I address these issues directly to him when they occur or it's more proper to go through my teen?

 

 

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Edited October 24, 2019 by Gaeta

[Rayce]

Teenagers.... they are so hard. I totally feel for you. Stay strong. Thread carefully...very carefully. I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter until her first bf showed up in the picture. He sounds just like the kid your talking about. As a single mom I didn't know how to deal with it. I went to a counselor so I would have someone to help me figure out what to do. The last thing I wanted to do was react like my parents did. In my case the bf occupied every waking moment of my daughter's life and I had to put forth a lot of ground rules about when he could come over and blah blah… it was really hard. Still it didn't work. I wish I would tried harder though. Wishing you strength.

 

Peace...

[Gaeta]

Rayce: What do you mean by it didn't work? How old is you daughter now?

[Rayce]

My daughter is in her mid 30's now. Overall he taught her how to disrespect me and messed up her life for a long time. I mean the guy is calling you a whore... what kind of respect is that. As for trying hard.. yeah I wish I would of tried harder to get him out of her life sooner...I tried to be a supportive mom and not be against the relationship but his behavior was very difficult to deal with.

Edited October 24, 2019 by Rayce

[GorillaTheater]

he says things to Claire that has me jump like "your mom is a whore".

 

I would've chunked that little bastard out the door by the scruff of his neck for that one.

 

After warning your daughter what's in store, confront directly, each and every time he steps outside the lines. It worked for me when I was uncivilized teen (but Jesus, maybe not this uncivilized), and I respected the parents for it.

[Gaeta]

Rayce: I have to specify she is my foster-daughter. Claire's mother has abandoned her last year, her mother chose her pedophile new boyfriend over her. The name calling are not toward me.

[GorillaTheater]

Rayce: I have to specify she is my foster-daughter. Claire's mother has abandoned her last year, her mother chose her pedophile new boyfriend over her. The name calling are not toward me.

 

<whew> I guess that's a little more understandable, if still not acceptable.

[Gaeta]

The name calling are not toward me but toward her bio mother who abandoned her.

[Rayce]

Oh I misunderstood... It is still disrespectful. No matter who he is calling names too. Poor child how hard it must be for her. Her relationship with her mom is something she has to deal with for the rest of her life. His name calling is just making it harder for her to heal...imo.

[alphamale]

Gaeta you need to address these issues with him directly. If you go thru your daught3r you look weak and on the defensive.

[Beendaredonedat]

I agree, talk to him directly and do it as soon as you hear him being rude, disrespectful, and taking things without asking.

 

A "I don't mind you eating the ice cream (or whatever), son but please be polite and ask me before you help yourself." Then, take it from him and with a smile say "One scoop or two?" will let him know that politeness and manners go a long way with you and when dealing in the real world as well. (as when he's looking for a job for example)

[Mr. Lucky]

I agreed with her having a boyfriend because he was younger (14), still very much a boy and is in a program for gifted students. He's a good influence on her concerning her study, he helps her, encourages her to put in more time studying etc. I have seen a change in her toward homework and school work.

 

IMHO, she's too young (and immature due to her circumstances) for a one-on-one relationship. Any and all positive influence he has on her can be done as a friend, and if he's this forward with you, I can only imagine how he is with her privately.

 

With four kids, I know from experience raising teenagers can be like herding cats, but you have to keep boundaries in place until their minds catch up to their bodies..

 

I'm afraid Gaeta, not on my watch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

She is 15.5 now. If I forbid her to have a boyfriend she will resent me and just do it in my back. We live in a very liberal world here. Even my 8 year old nephew has a gf. I prefer to allow it under my rules. They see each other at lunch at school and 1 day on weekends, at my home or his parents home. We (the parents) agree there should always be adult supervision.

 

 

 

More I think about it more I think I should address his short comings directly to him, in a kind manner. I don't think he's aware he has no manners but he has to be taught asap while he's young and malleable.

[alphamale]

...but he has to be taught asap while he's young and malleable.

 

I think that ship has sailed sister

[anika99]

That ship has not sailed. Obviously he's not a bad kid since he's a gifted student and has been a positive influence on your teen. It just sounds like he gets away with talking like that at home and nobody has taught him better. I think it's a great idea for you to talk to him about it. He going to learn sooner or later that one can't go around in public speaking in such a crude manner. He won't get away with it when he's in the real world so the sooner he's called on it the better.

[Gaeta]

Last night Claire asked if he could come over from 18h to 21h as they have no school today. I said yes with in mind I am going to assert my rules a little more.

 

Shortly after dinner I am still in the kitchen and he comes in by himself and opens the fridge door. While he's judging what he'll grab I asked quickly what he is looking for. He took a step back and said: Can I have a glass of juice? I said yes you may.

 

Later in the evening bf and I are watching something on tv and he comes to the kitchen again. I see him looking around but not openning any doors then against all expectation he says Gaeta can I take a piece of cake? I agreed he could.

 

I think we got somewhere last night!

[Beendaredonedat]

That's good news. ^^^

 

I think that most kids just need boundaries and rules in place and they will mostly follow them (if they are within reason) when they know what the boundaries are.

 

Cheers!

[major_merrick]

I think that instead of a younger boyfriend, Claire needs an older girlfriend. And that can be in a romantic way or in a platonic way. But she needs someone who already has reasonable manners and can provide a stabilizing influence. About the only thing a boyfriend is good for at her age is teen pregnancy....

[preraph]

Well, you are making some progress. Now you know someone some time has told him what is right and what's not, so what he was doing is just seeing if you'd call him out. I only hope Claire will stand up for herself and not let him ride roughshod on her.

[Blind-Sided]

I've watched, and been looking at this thread for a while. Why? because I have a teen daughter, and I'm now a single dad. So... here's my 2 cents.

 

 

Without a doubt... My house, My rules. Both my daughters know this. So, if my older daughter came home with someone that obviously came from a family who doesn't discipline their kids... that boy would get his manners from my house. (like it or not, and his folks can thank me later)

 

 

With that said... sounds like that' exactly what you are doing, and he's responding. Good for you, for sticking to your guns, and making him understand that you make the rules.

 

 

Mr Luck has a point of negative influences on your kid... but I think you may be a good influence to him. Keep up the good work!

[Gaeta]

It's been doing much better when he visits.

 

Friday evening when he left my daughter asked me if I had noticed a change in his manners? I said yes and I was very impressed.

 

She said she had a talk with him about how I like things at home. He replied he thought after 6 months of visiting we knew each other enough so he could get in the fridge like a member of the family lol. I replied to that I have known my brothers and parents for 50 years and I don't get coffee cream in their fridge without asking first.

.

[preraph]

Well done, Gaeta. Nothing at all wrong with letting him know the house rules, and you're doing him a favor. You're teaching him manners his parents have failed to! I'm glad your daughter is on board.