Disappointed with online dating

[Chrys31]

I dont know what to do i am so disappointed with online dating.

 

This has been my main pool of finding men lately, as I am 32 and i dont know any single men that i would like to be involved romantically with.

 

The men I have met the past 7 months seems that they all lied about their intentions towards me and 1 might also have been attached/involved without me knowing.

 

The last guy i was involved with, didnt seem to have time to date me or wanted to date me. He is a single dad and when i told him it doesnt seem like he wants to go out with me because he was cancelling often lately and in general in 6 months i only saw him 6 times, he got very ticked off.

 

I told him i wouldnt bother him again in terms of asking him out as its very bad to ask and receive rejection or him asking me and receive cancellations.

 

I then tried to ask him why he holds a grudge as i just said what i felt and it was the truth and he said dont be silly i dont hold a grudge i just have a lot going on right now. I said i understand as i also am quite busy and otherwise im good but after this he didnt contact again

 

I met two guys afterwards. 1 seemed decent, we went in two dates and he told me out of the blue that he was really sad as things were going really positive but he had applied for a job outside London and didnt think much about it. He received a call to start so he had to move outside London as it was once in a lifetime opportunity and we waved goodbye. No warning about this or anything that indicated he wanted to move out of the city.

 

I then met someone who we clicked and seemed over enthusiastic about me he was talking future from the first date.

 

He asked to meet the day after the first date again , but i was not feeling well as I have sometimes low iron spells. I explained that to him and he seemed to laugh my situation off. He asked to come to my house and then he mentioned kissing me etc and i said that its a bit too early for this. On the first date he said that he wanted to get to know me organically and he wanted to meet me this week. After that he changed 180 degrees with one word answers. I asked to meet him Wed he said yes and the time and when Wed came, nothing . No word

 

All three guys single dads. the first one with a 5 year old kid and the other 2 with grown up kids.

 

I dont know what the hell is going on and why i keep meeting those people. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety and distress because i dont know if its just bad luck or where i am wrong in any of this

[Twizzlestick]

Of the stories, only the last one appears to have perhaps misrepresented intentions. Seems the last one wanted a hook up.

 

The others didn’t seem to misrepresent. There seems to be a notion in dating that unless you remain keen and actually go out with someone long term then you were “lying” about what you want. That’s a fallacy and doesn’t hold water. Otherwise we’d all have long term reles with the first people we date. Folk are allowed to change their minds and it not mean they were lying.

 

Most of your dates seem like they just weren’t keen or their interest dwindled to unsure levels. I’ve had plenty of girls do this. Now, I don’t agree with their methods, they should tell you they wish to discontinue. I’ve been ghosted myself by a woman. I didn’t think she was lying about intentions, she likely just changed her mind.

 

Some will say real life is better but I disagree that’s an answer. It’s exactly the same humans in real life as online. It’s not a different batch of humans. You just meet a concentrated amount online. So you will get a concentrated amount of frogs.

 

Try not getting wrapped up with people until they show their interest by actions. Your interest and investment is far exceeding their actions and I think that’s where the resentment is coming from. Date and if someone is messing about then keep them at arms length or tell them that’s it and move onto the next one.

[Chrys31]

I think all three did because I asked all of them especially the one i was involved 6 months what he wanted and he was telling me he has problems etc which i knew but i mean what the hell... He was not telling me to discontinue, nothing and he seemed to get angry when i said all these things to him.

 

The second one, didnt have a clue that he wanted to travel away?? I dont think so.

 

The last one also after i told him that we agreed to get to know each other first he seems to have disappeared?|?

 

I dont know what the hell is going on

[mortensorchid]

Welcome to the world of OLD. It's a horror story, to be sure. But we keep doing it - because why? Technology has become our only friend anymore, all we do is stare at screens all day so naturally this is how we should communicate. And we are a slave to advertisers who tell us this is how we are to meet our soulmate - try it out and it's anything but. If I knew the answers, I would tell you the answers of where to go and how to meet good people, but I don't have it. That being said, try to avoid OLD if you can because all it does is create more hard feelings and a loss of trust in humanity. Move on from these above noted guys and onto the next.

[Gaeta]

It's not going to work until it does.

 

I was 3,5 years online, met around 200 men before finally meeting my boyfriend. I was lied to, played with, ghosted, name it. The trick is to discard REALLY fast these men that are not showing sustained interest in dating you. You are not going to miss out on anyone don't worry.

 

When I met my boyfriend it was easy, he was sincere and all of his actions showed he was. I never had to question his interest in me. When you meet a genuine man it will unfold naturally.

 

 

.

[PRW]

Online Dating is a cesspool. It is the cancer of the dating culture.

[smackie9]

It's not up to them to say "this isn't working out". regardless of their reaction to being rejected, you are #1 and don't forget that. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...so if you have a gut feeling that something isn't right with their actions, or some comment they have made, dump them immediately. You know what's coming, don't ignore it.

[PRW]

I think all three did because I asked all of them especially the one i was involved 6 months what he wanted and...

Stop asking them this stuff. When you first meet them that is too "deep" to go anyway. It isn't that hard to judge from their behavor in the first few dates, so just do that,...you are not out anything if you don't get over-invested in them too soon. Now the one you were with for 6 months,...sure,...6 months is long enough to get into that.

 

But if I'm on a first date with a woman and she asks me, "What are you looking for?", my answer will be "The waitress, a menu, and my reading glasses". If she asks me why my past relationships failed I'll just tell them I don't talk about past relationships on the early dates when I don't really know you that well yet. For a woman to ask me those things that soon tells me she already has "relationship" on the mind before I can even remember how to spell her last name. It isn't all about me meeting her standards,...she also has to meet mine, and I can usually figure most of it out without asking her anything.

 

But in any case none of them in your description seemed worth messing with. The one that kept canceling and you ended up debating with him about it. No need to debate,...he kept canceling with lame excuses,...that is enough,...whatever truth was behind it really didn't matter.

 

The guy who was moving away, well there wasn't much to get upset about. Should he have abandoned the opportunity to stay with a woman he barely knows? Of course he was going to move. If you were upset then you were too invested in him too quickly

 

The last one, the needy desperate, clingy one,...those disgust me. But it was clearly easy to see what he was and drop it.

 

My recommendations:

 

Get away from Online Dating before it warps your mind. Build a social life and meet people through that where you can gauge them before you even come close to getting into a date with them. Meetup.com is one good way to build a social life if there are good active groups in your area. I'm in a singles Meetup group that has 4,700+ members. Relationships come as a result of having your life together,...they are not what brings it together,...in fact they are a burden to it,...hence your life has to be solid enough to bear the burden of a relationship.

[Gretchen12]

Relationships come as a result of having your life together,...they are not what brings it together,...in fact they are a burden to it,...hence your life has to be solid enough to bear the burden of a relationship.

 

This is quotable Thanks.

[Chrys31]

It's not going to work until it does. I was 3,5 years online, met around 200 men before finally meeting my boyfriend.

 

Omg 200?????? Blimey. That's too much.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gretchen12]

It’s exactly the same humans in real life as online. It’s not a different batch of humans.

 

I think it's not the same humans because not everyone who's single is doing online dating so it has to be a different batch. Some men would never go online and those are the men the OP will never meet online.

 

Also the OLD format encourages a particular set of behaviour, which includes being semi anonymous and not fully accountable. In real life you can't ghost someone from work or a neighbor or a friend of a friend, or a classmate. People are on better behaviour because of social ties.

 

I do agree if the OP met some stranger on the street who's an online dater, then yes that guy is the same guy as if she met him online and he may also ghost her.

[Gaeta]

Statistics says 75% of singles are online. Not having a presence online would be depriving herself of a huge pound.

 

That being said when you are online you have to date defensively. You have to be smart and watch your back. Example: You don't date a man for 6 months when he can only see you 1 date a month. OP needs to be more defensive. She is naive and her desire to meet prince charming has her accept all types of unacceptable treatment.

 

We all did OP's mistake when we started online, it took me 3,5 years to meet my guy because I wasted a good 2 years not dating defensively, being naive, being too patient, and giving the benefit of the doubt to the wrong men.

 

Online is hard but it will teach you about life and it will toughen you up a little and it's not a bad thing.

 

Finally I have met men off line as well when I was single and they too ghosted me, played me, and were just looking for fun.

 

A person with integrity in real life will carry his integrity online as well.

 

 

.

[Twizzlestick]

I think it's not the same humans because not everyone who's single is doing online dating so it has to be a different batch. Some men would never go online and those are the men the OP will never meet online.

 

That doesn’t make sense. Kind of infers real life is a different place you choose to look. I use online but I’m not switched off to meeting people in my day to day activities, I’m always keeping an eye out. I imagine the majority who use online also keep their eye out.

 

Perhaps more specifically I should have said that people online aren’t necessarily scaled peculiar beasts any different or less inclined to dick one about that “in real life” . It’s the same sea of character flaws and positives you get in any part of life.

 

I’ve used and still use the much feited “looking in real life” and there’s just as much being messed about by meeting people day to day. I’ve eyed up girls asked them out, to be told they have a BF. Gone on dates and it fizzle. It’s no different. It just seems more online because it’s concentrated. You can swipe past the same number of people in 30 mins you might find attractive as would take a year to meet toddling about.

 

My approach is do what ever it needs and makes one feel ok. Dating and meeting people is full of false starts regardless of which outlet we use. If online gets someone down, don’t use it. But if it doesn’t, use it. Why cut down your chances.

[Ruby Slippers]

Though after my last breakup I was about ready to swear off dating sites, I just got back on one a few days ago and it's going well so far.

 

I feel much better-equipped for it now. I know from experience that 99% of the guys who message who will be a poor match for one reason or another.

 

That old saying that "dating is a numbers game" is very true for online dating. You're looking for that shiny needle in a big old haystack.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Omg 200?????? Blimey. That's too much.

 

It's easy to get to 200 if you're an active dater and especially over the course of several years.

 

I've never sat down to count how many dates I've had but I wouldn't be too surprised if that number was double digits as well even with the handful of LTR I've had in the 10 years I've been dating again. That being said, I haven't been consistent on OLD in those years either. It's easy to get jaded and lose perspective when your online so it's important to get off from time to time to focus on real things that don't include dating.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Competition is fierce and attention spans are fleeting at best which makes dating very challenging these days. Dating in the digital age is profoundly different than it was 10-20 years ago.

 

Sometimes we get lucky early on and many of us take years and 200+ dates.

 

It is what it is.

Edited October 24, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle

[Chrys31]

@Michelle ma Belle...

It just ticks me off that these guys are not honest with their intentions. I mean who do they think they gonna fool.

 

And for the guy that moved away I believe he knew full well what he was up to

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

Chrys: Before meeting my boyfriend I had dated another man for 6 months. He was totally smitten with me, and I with him. We met each other family and kids. I thought that's it, we had said our ILY.

 

Turns out he was moving out of the country and he was afraid that would make me change my mind about dating him so he never told me. He let me know he was moving abroad 3 days before his flight.

 

It took me probably a full year to get over him.

 

Bad and hurtful things happened to all of us. What's important is how we handle it. You let it kill you or you let it make you stronger and wiser.

[Twizzlestick]

 

And for the guy that moved away I believe he knew full well what he was up to

 

If I’m right he told you at date 2? Am I right he told you rather than you finding out. So he didn’t lie, he told you. I saw a job come up the other day, was mighty tempted to apply. He said he just applied. He really could’ve just seen this fantastic role and applied. You’re a girl he’s dated once. It’s perfectly acceptable to apply for a job after a date and tell such girl on the second date. It’s good he did.

 

If he was lying and “up to something” you’d still not know about the job. Fair enough, chance he also planned on leaving London all along. But like I said you know at date 2, not 3 months in. Am I also right you didn’t sleep with him or he try and sleep with you? So he’s told you before that. It’s not painting the picture of someone who’s up to something in a devious fashion.

 

Look, I’m not defending him. I don’t know him. I’m offering you alternatives in balance, as I sense you’re getting yourself a little suspicious minded and out of warp with it. You’ve been flaked on. It happens to everyone. It’s unpleasant and mishandled.

 

Before you head down the slippery slope of men bracketing , be reassured there’s just as much messing about from girls to us guys. I had one lass the other week delightedly agree to a second date. Ghosted me the day before. She wasn’t lying. Prob just lost interest or got asked out down the gym by Mr Universe. Who cares ha

 

Point is it’s a numbers game, it’s a people problem - both sexes. Folk flake, change their minds or lack emotionally maturity to call time properly regardless. You have to get through those frogs to find a prince or princess.

 

Keep the faith

[Chrys31]

Nope he told me the day we were to meet for date 3.

 

Ye I dont.like this ****.

 

And the guy I was involved a few months.... that is really a mystery but my suspicion is he might be hiding something

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Michelle ma Belle]

@Michelle ma Belle...

It just ticks me off that these guys are not honest with their intentions. I mean who do they think they gonna fool.

 

And for the guy that moved away I believe he knew full well what he was up to

 

Yes, it's frustrating AF but if you talk to some men, they'll say the same about women.

 

I think the problem is that there are loads of people running around on OLD out of boredom more than anything else. They want a distraction or they're looking for validation but have no real intention of putting in serious effort to make something work.

 

We've ALL met these people, trust me

 

For those of us seeking something real, serious and (dare I say) healthy, it's our job to be as discerning as possible.

 

It's a challenge to be both a realist and an optimist. Both cautious and open when it comes to dating. You can't afford to forget the bad or unpleasant stuff that happened to you but at the same time you can't let those experiences ruin it for you and paint every man with the same dirty paint brush.

 

That just wouldn't be fair.

 

Sadly, in order to navigate OLD these days, you need to have low expectations. Keep your standards high but lower your expectations. Don't take anything anyone says too seriously...until there is reason to take it seriously. Actions speak volumes at the end of the day.

 

Until then, just enjoy what you can while you can

[winny]

As an ex-online dating pro (LOL I have not dated 200 like Gaeta but around 20 I met, but surely have gone through 100s of profiles), I can tell you what you are going thru is a regular thing. In fact, the quality of people on these online dating apps has gone down considerably in the last 5 years. Back in 2013-14 they at least used to put up decent pictures. Now they do not even make an effort to click a nice pic... hairy, ugly, unkempt men in shabby clothes is the average male profile.

 

Oh, by the way, telling someone after one or two dates that they are moving for a job is a common tactic used by people on these apps ... to reject you without looking like a d*ck.

 

Anyways... my suggestion is this: Test these men.. test them like crazy before getting emotionally attached. DO NOT believe their words unless supported by consistent actions over a period of time and yes.. discard fast. Avoid people with kids. They will use their kids as an excuse for mistreating you. Also be comfortable with being single. NO MAN will rescue you.

[Chrys31]

So do you think that the second guy lied?

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[SumGuy]

I think all three did because I asked all of them especially the one i was involved 6 months what he wanted and he was telling me he has problems etc which i knew but i mean what the hell... He was not telling me to discontinue, nothing and he seemed to get angry when i said all these things to him.

This one was likely emotionally unavailable but also maybe felt too soon to have such a discussion. That said, you dodge a bullet as he should not have got upset about an open adult conversation.

 

The second one, didn't have a clue that he wanted to travel away?? I dont think so.

way too soon for you to know this about him or for it to come up. he was likely surprised, he gets a dream job. I could be wrong but I don't think that happens everyday given the UK economy.

 

The last one also after i told him that we agreed to get to know each other first he seems to have disappeared?|?

He flaked, got scared, met someone else, who knows, This is common. I'd personally find the future talk on the first date or two unsettling, not as in generally what you are looking for but going all in that you are the one so soon.

 

I dont know what the hell is going on

What is going on is just the normal odds of dating even when you have no problems getting dates. I tend to be very selective, mostly go out on first dates/meets that message me and even then only 1 in 4 or 5 dates/meets is there a mutual click/connection. The good news with the pre-filtering we are usually up front with each other about it. Good time but not feeling the chemistry.

 

I believe it is way too early to think something is off or to settle.

[Gretchen12]

My approach is do what ever it needs and makes one feel ok. Dating and meeting people is full of false starts regardless of which outlet we use. If online gets someone down, don’t use it. But if it doesn’t, use it. Why cut down your chances.

 

Agree with that. I can't be telling people to stay away from online dating because I myself met really good guys online. I even fell in love!

 

However... if you mosey on over to the break up section, you'll see that when people have a broken heart, and want to feel better, where do they go? They go online. You can get attention from the opposite sex within an hour. And for women, they can have a date by the next day if not the same night. It's pretty amazing if you think about it. When you're hurting you can't wait months for someone to come along in real life. So there's a higher percentage of broken hearts and lonely hearts online.

[mr_ybor]

Yeah, I don't understand how it works either. I'm right swiping so... sooooooo many women and getting no matches whatsoever. I don't get what it wants from me.