My dad wants me to give him my saving as a loan...

[Lorenza]

My dad is currently unemployed. His previous workplace didn't have any new projects for him and had to let him go. The problem is that the company moved to another city 1,5 years ago where he got settled, but the job situation isn't very good there. Dad has been looking for jobs both in his sphere and others, but haven't gotten much response. He also supports his younger girlfriend who can't work legally but works a bit unoficially. Now he's running out of money and needs to borrow from me. To be honest I've been fixing a lot of his stuff for the past 10 years and he has depended on me and my problem solving skills, because he doesn't have those and constantly gets in trouble.

Now apparently he has misunderstood how long the workplace is going to be paying him after firing him. He thought it will be until october, but apparently last month was the last one. He needs to pay his rent and survive the month and of course I'm the one he's turning to borrow money from...

I'm a student on a one-year master (magister) programme since springtime and it's pretty tough. I am currently writing a thesis and going to relocate to another country in january. My subject is demanding and I have one more huge exam I haven't passed that I'm preparing for. I had some paid internship but had to quit it due to not having enough time to study. I only have a small job on the side and mainly living on my student loan.

My dad is asking for money to pay for his rent or he and his gf will be on the street. I have a sum saved up for my big move, as I already have companies intrested in me in that country, to finally kick off my life and my carrier. If I give it to him, I don't know when I'll see the money again... Maybe I won't get it in time and won't be able to relocate. I'm living for my soon to be move, it gives me all the hope to push through. It will crush me not to be able to go along with it.

I've been helping my dad since I was 20 and constantly doing things for him and I'm so tired to be responsible for him. He is very messy with his finances. Like during summer he and his gf and her daughter was doing a lot of fun stuff that costs so much. He could have saved that money. But instead he's asking me to give what I have put away for something so important for me... Also, I don't want to worry about money when I'm so close to my goals and need to put huge effort into finishing things up... But he doesn't have any money for rent... I don't know what to do

[Mr. Lucky]

But he doesn't have any money for rent... I don't know what to do

 

To an outsider, seems pretty simple to me.

 

I'm all for helping people that "can't", family members included, and have done so many times. It has at times been rewarding to see those folks get back on their feet.

 

I've learned the hard way not to assist those that "won't", simply because it never ends - as you've found out. If you solve Dad's current crisis, can pretty much guarantee your phone will ring again, and soon.

 

Live your life and continue to work hard to reach your goals and make your dreams come true. Tell Dad you love him but can't help him, you've got your own financial needs.

 

A good parent fights for your success and considers your achievements as part of his own. Anything falling outside those boundaries isn't behavior you want to reward or reinforce. Hope your studies continue to go well ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

There's every chance you won't see the money again.

 

"No Dad, I'm sorry, I can't help you. You and your girlfriend will have to sort this out on your own".

[schlumpy]

Give your Dad what money you can. I had the same situation with my sister and that's what I did. I did not get the money back but we still have a good relationship even though I didn't cover the whole tab.

 

Let him or his GF sell the big screen tv to cover the rest. Nothing like some consequences to point you in the right direction.

[amaysngrace]

Unless you’re willing to give it away don’t lend it. That’s what I’ve learned anyway.

 

Are you willing to part with the money forever?

[Art_Critic]

Just like a rule of investing in the stock market where you never invest money you can't live without the same basic rule should be followed.

 

If you loan THEM money make sure it is money you can live without, don't give them any money that will change your already set future and remember that you most likely will not get it back so lend it with that in mind.. if you do that is

 

Good Luck...

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you were to give your dad the money I don't think you'd be helping him. He's never going to learn to be responsible if he can always find others to help him when he fails to prepare for the future.

[Lorenza]

I already parted with a big sum of money once when my dad got me in debt and never saw it again. That was when my dad used my name to own his car and didn't pay a traffic insurance - I knew nothing about the debt until the collectors came to look for me in my home. Dad didn't have the money to cover it so I ended up borrowing it from my mom and then had to slowly pay her back during the rest of the year. All the other times I owned his cars for him I myself made sure all the bills are paid and traffic insurance is signed. Everytime he would buy a car I was calling and making sure there is no debt. He didn't own his cars because debt collectors were after him and he didn't want his name to be anywhere. So he was using mine for almost everything.

 

Ive been able to keep a good relationship with him throughout the years despite my constant frustration and feeling like anything can happen anytime and I will be in debt again because of my dad's irresponsible actions. His salary used to come to my bank account as well so I was always taking money from it to pay his bills, and he would sometimes even get irritated I'm prioritizing it instead of leaving the money for him to live on. So I was constantly late with the bills and my credit record is pretty bad in this country. When I had to take my cat to an emergency I wasn't even allowed to split the bill and had to pay the whole sum at once (vet is extremely expensive here). So I feel like I have suffered so much to help him out already and this time I'm not willing to put my dreams aside... the money I've saved is also my emergency money.

 

My dad isn't a bad person, when we interact we get along well and he calls me pretty often (although we haven't seen much of each other since he moved to another city in this country). He has done a lot of questionable things and made my life more difficult, but I forgave him for all of them. I just want to be left in peace for the first time since I became and adult and just live for myself....

[Happy Lemming]

Let him or his GF sell the big screen tv to cover the rest...

 

Many years ago, I had a close friend that couldn't make rent and he asked me to "loan" him the money. So I told him to sell me his large TV and when he got paid, I would sell it back to him -- no interest, etc. He said he "loved" that television and would definitely want it back in 2 weeks when he got paid.

 

He never came back for the TV, so I know I would have never been paid back the loan. In the end, I over paid for a used TV, but at least I didn't get screwed out of all of my money.

[Lorenza]

Many years ago, I had a close friend that couldn't make rent and he asked me to "loan" him the money. So I told him to sell me his large TV and when he got paid, I would sell it back to him -- no interest, etc. He said he "loved" that television and would definitely want it back in 2 weeks when he got paid.

 

He never came back for the TV, so I know I would have never been paid back the loan. In the end, I over paid for a used TV, but at least I didn't get screwed out of all of my money.

 

My dad doesn't own any big screen tv, he's renting the place with all the furniture. The only thing he could sell is the car and that's what I'm going to suggest I think

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I already parted with a big sum of money once when my dad got me in debt and never saw it again. That was when my dad used my name to own his car and didn't pay a traffic insurance - I knew nothing about the debt until the collectors came to look for me in my home.

 

He lost the right to ask you for anything.

 

You have to stop enabling him and think of your future. You are making important plans and doing it the responsible way. Don't give it to someone who has no respect for it or for your best interests. Please don't do it.

 

Tell him that you can't help. He has to figure it out. You are not responsible for him and his girlfriend.

Edited October 25, 2019 by Scarlett.O'hara

[bene]

If you find it difficult to just say “no” you can just say that you don’t have this kind of money. With school, living in an expensive country and moving it is totally plausible.

 

Personally I think the time to cut him off was already long time ago after he misused your trust with the car. I don’t see that he has learned anything from this. You need to break this cycle.

 

A guy who supports a much younger girlfriend who doesn’t work has no business asking his daughter for money. He just can’t finance this kind of lifestyle but it’s not your responsibility.

[amaysngrace]

Technically it’s suppose to be the other way around. If you were in a financial jam you’re suppose to be able to count on him since he’s the parent. He’s got it all wrong.

 

I know it’s hard to say no but rather than dwell on how he’s going to feel think about your feelings towards him for even asking such a big thing of you and putting you in this position in the first place.

 

You’re not the bad guy here. Honestly, if I were you I’d be pissed.

[Lorenza]

Thanks all. I lent my dad a small sum (which is still big for me, but I might earn it back with my extra job and put it back into my savings). He's not very happy etc. Sounded disappointed and almost hang up.

[bene]

Be strong and stand your ground.

 

Sorry but to me it looks like he just wanted to take the easy way out. Is he really unable to find a job or are the jobs just not good enough? I don’t know the job market in his country but usually there are at least some low paying nonglamorous jobs always available. No matter how low the salary, it still beats being on the street in my opinion.

[schlumpy]

Thanks all. I lent my dad a small sum (which is still big for me, but I might earn it back with my extra job and put it back into my savings). He's not very happy etc. Sounded disappointed and almost hang up.

 

You did what you could do and that's all anyone can ask of you.

[Beendaredonedat]

Originally Posted by Lorenza View Post

Thanks all. I lent my dad a small sum (which is still big for me, but I might earn it back with my extra job and put it back into my savings). He's not very happy etc. Sounded disappointed and almost hang up.

When you keep bailing him out, he never learns a lesson so to give him more money, you are actually being cruel.

 

When he calls you again for next month's rent: (because he will) Tell him you are sorry but you're unable to afford to give him any more money and could he sell something in order to cover his rent and then he must make plans to move to where the job opportunities are better and where his girlfriend can work legally to help out.

 

Then change the subject if he starts to beg or complain and have a list of job opportunities in his area that he can apply to.

 

Support him practically by offering solutions to his dilema not in monetary ways from now on. Don't enable him to be irresponsible yet again by giving him more money. He must suffer some consequences to his actions or you are just enabling his irresponsibility.

Edited October 25, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[The Outlaw]

No. You've been doing things for him for a number of years and it's past time he learns to stand on his own two feet. He sounds like my soon to be step mother. She's 55 and she's horrendous with her finances. And I'm not trying to be cold, but this is something you've planned for and are looking forward to, and as a father, he should understand that and be willing to do whatever it is he has to do to survive. Has he tried looking for any more jobs since he was let go?

[Marc878]

Sorry but your dad is a fair weather father. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and figure it out himself.

 

You need to wake up to reality. You're only taken advantage of if you allow it and that is on you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks all. I lent my dad a small sum (which is still big for me, but I might earn it back with my extra job and put it back into my savings). He's not very happy etc. Sounded disappointed and almost hang up.

 

 

Your dad should have gratefully sounded thankful to you on the phone instead of unhappy.

 

This (sounding unhappy that he didn't get ALL he wanted)is classic manipulation.

 

Lorenza, your dad is unhealthy and is trying to pull you into his dysfunctional life. If you're going to be a functional happy adult you're going to have to break this cycle and STOP giving him any money at all.

 

For crying out loud, he wants to use YOUR money to support a young girlfriend! The two of them could at least get low paying jobs. Or cut their lifestyle. You did write that they spent a lot of money this summer on living a high lifestyle while you scrimped and saved.

 

Once you get out of school and begin earning a living he's going to want you to give him money so that he can squander what you've worked hard for.

 

It may be hard to hear these words about your dad but you do need to hear them.

[Artdeco]

I almost want to say “financial abuse”, esp wrt the car story. Jesus!

And instead of being thankful, you almost get chastised. Not cool.

But I understand how the guilt tripping makes you feel. When somebody does that to me, and it’s doesn’t stop, after a while I just want it to go away and I just give in.

[preraph]

If you give it to him, you will have let him derail your plans. He is not going to suddenly win the lottery. Tell him, Sorry, Dad, I can't help you without ruining my own plans. You still owe me money from last time. You are going to need to figure out a way to support yourself from now on.

 

Also, could you just block him or will he show up at your door?

[preraph]

Back when I had any kind of a savings, I kept it tied up in investments such as CDs where you couldn't withdraw it without losing a bunch of money. You could just tell him that you have your money invested and aren't going to take it out. Don't give him any specifics because that only gives him a chance to try to say he will pay the penalty or whatever when he has absolutely no way to pay it back to begin with. Say Dad my money is tied up and I need it. I was hoping you would have repaid me by now so I can't loan any more money

[vla1120]

No more, OP. Your father has had his chance at being financially responsible. I know things happen that are sometimes out of our control, but I would never impose upon my daughters to bail me out, especially when I know that the money they have saved is for their own future plans, and by borrowing their money, I might change their course of action in life. No. That's not right.

 

You've already loaned him money that he hasn't paid back. You know he's not going to pay this back either. He's probably going to tell you he needs more for next month (since he was not gracious about this loan.) Stand your ground.

[d0nnivain]

You know he's a lousy credit risk. You know he already stiffed you once.

 

At the very least make him sign a document agreeing to repay you & to pay you interest on this loan but know you will never see a dime of it again if you give him the money.

 

If you can't afford to give it to him outright or you just don't want to (which is totally understandable), tell him you are sorry but that if he had paid you back last time you'd be willing this time. Don't make him make you feel guilty.