Should I remove restraining order?

[NYDame]

A couple months ago I had to apply for an order of protection against my now ex husband. Long story short things got a tad abusive. Started as trust issues and intense arguments, moved on to name calling, gaslighting, breaking things, punching walls, and finally physical abuse. Honestly I second guess my decision a lot because I never was abused to the point of being bruised or bleeding. Just minor incidents of physical aggression that I didn’t feel safe with and violence within earshot from the kids. I wanted it to stop and so I put the order on him. I was scared. Sometimes I still am when I have to see him to exchange the kids because I fear he’ll try to argue with me. My mind plays these scenarios where he comes at me in anger. But it’s exaggerated fear.

 

Anyway it’s been about 8 months since and we’ve been divorced. Because we have kids I have to see him and exchange them with him. There have been some hostile moments but it seems like things are dying down a bit. He really wants me to take the order of protection off. He gave me pretty lame excuses on how it’s affecting his life. He recently had to go to court because he violated the order 2 months after I applied for it and the court is requiring anger management classes as his sentence. This bothers him that he has to take the classes. He also says he can’t see the kids often but that’s not true. The kids are not in the order. He chooses not to have a schedule with them. He says it prevents him from buying firearms, and makes going to his real estate home office hard which is about 5 miles or so from where I currently work. None of this makes sense to me. However, I do see how having the order might affect him getting employment and that’s the only reason I can justify removing it early.

 

I probably don’t need the restraining order as I know that if he ever get violent I can just call the cops on him. Just last week he showed up at my door unannounced to ask for clarification on a conversation we had about our daughters play date. He could’ve just called. I felt uneasy about that but it wasn’t worth calling the cops about it. It didn’t get hostile but I still have some trauma about being around him.

 

I don’t know if removing the order is a smart move. But I’m tempted to do it because maybe my fear is irrational and he’s not a true danger to me. He just does little things that are strange and is quick to anger lately. He was never like this before. Anyway, what do you think I should do?

Edited October 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Mr. Lucky]

maybe my fear is irrational

 

Boy, don't see this at all. Since this occurred:

 

Started as trust issues and intense arguments, moved on to name calling, gaslighting, breaking things, punching walls, and finally physical abuse.

 

...it would seem pretty rational to be concerned about not just a continuation but an escalation in force and damage.

 

Do you need to wait until he injures or kills you to be truly afraid of him?

 

Any problem associated with the RO are of his own doing. I'd keep it in place and look for ways to hand off the kids remotely.

 

Just last week he showed up at my door unannounced to ask for clarification on a conversation we had about our daughters play date.

 

He doesn't get it and you're not helping him. You seem a little naive about the dangers involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

So basically, he's struggling with the consequences of his behaviour?

[ajequals]

I agree with Mr lucky. leave it in place

[elaine567]

You are rationalising the abuse as a defence mechanism.

It is difficult to face the uncomfortable truth, so you try to minimise and blame yourself for your "irrational fears"... You are making excuses for him.

 

Read again what you wrote here...

"He says it prevents him from buying firearms..".

...and that is a bad thing? You have a man who scared you enough to get a restraining order and he wants to buy a gun????

 

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves him.

Keep that order in place and encourage him to go to his anger classes and tell him to stay away from you...

Call the cops if he violates the order again.

Do not let him get away with intimidating you...

That man you married is long gone, do not forget that.

[Mrin]

Sorry. I was a little harsh. Ya, what elaine said ^^^^

[d0nnivain]

No. Do not remove the restraining order.

 

You didn't put it on him. You told officials about the abuse. Then a judge reviewed all the facts dispassionately & confirmed that you were in danger. The judge entered that order based on evidence not emotion.

 

It has only been a few months. He has already violated it once. He is pressuring you to remove it. Even if you asked to remove it, the judge who entered it would have to review the case again & that judge would decide if it was safe to remove the order. Just because you asked does not mean your request would be granted. There would have to be an investigation, witnesses, evidence & a hearing. Under the facts you describe I'd be surprised if a court would dissolve the restraining order.

 

One of the big reasons the court won't dissolve it is because him purchasing firearms is something they want to avoid. You should want that too. Not that he can't get them illegally but we don't need to make things easier for him.

 

Just him talking to you about the order is probably a violation.

 

His complaint that he can't go to work 5 MILES from where you work is ridiculous. The Order probably prohibits him from coming within 500 - 1000 feet of you. 5 miles away is just fine. He's lying, which is another good reason to keep the order in place.

[DKT3]

As far as orders of protection, they dont require all the steps described. Furthermore had the courts actually viewed him as dangerous they would have also ordered only supervised visits with the children. Most of the times more stories are told in what isnt said.

Edited October 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic bits

[basil67]

] Furthermore had the courts actually viewed him as dangerous they would have also ordered only supervised visits with the children.

 

That's not the case here. If a guy hasn't put his children at risk (as opposed to his wife or others), he's likely to be able to see them alone.

[preraph]

No, you should not. That order is the only thing that will enable the police to put him in jail next time he becomes a problem. Don't be naive.

[BaileyB]

I was scared. Sometimes I still am when I have to see him to exchange the kids.

 

That says it all. Don’t remove the protection order.

 

He really wants me to take the order of protection off. He gave me pretty lame excuses on how it’s affecting his life. the court is requiring anger management classes as his sentence. This bothers him that he has to take the classes.

 

And for good reason, don’t you think. The fact that this makes him angry is somewhat... ironic.

 

He says it prevents him from buying firearms.

 

Again, for good reason. This guy should not be allowed to own a gun. Sorry. Protect yourself. Protect your kids.

[amaysngrace]

Abusers tend to manipulate so that you question yourself.

 

Your instinct was to ask for an order of protection. Don’t second guess yourself and perhaps see somebody who deals with domestic violence specifically.

 

And yes, protect yourself and your children. Don’t worry about protecting his ability to buy a gun.

 

You withdrawal and next time you may not be taken seriously. Let that sink in.

[NYDame]

Thanks to everyone that gave me good advice. It’s hard to trust my own instincts.

[amaysngrace]

He’s messing with you, that’s why. Him showing up at your door to get clarification or whatever was him testing your boundaries too.

 

I really think you should call your local women’s shelter to see if they have free or affordable counseling available. It can’t hurt to talk about your situation and be heard by people who know exactly what you’re going through. Hopefully in time you’ll get to a place where you’re confidant enough to never second guess yourself again.

 

Abuse is a total mindfck.

[vla1120]

Thanks to everyone that gave me good advice. It’s hard to trust my own instincts.

 

You NEED to listen to those instincts! It's good that he cannot buy a gun. He showed up at your door unannounced (a violation of the restraining order in itself.) IMO, you shouldn't even be seeing him to drop off the kids. The order is in place because of HIS behavior, and he's still showing signs of aggression. Keep that order in place!

[notbroken]

This is exactly the guy the laws have been passed for. He lost his right to bear arms the moment he put his hands on you. He is dangerous. He has proven that. Period. Avoid being around him and enforce the restraining order for as long as possible.

[preraph]

You need to be calling the police every time he contacts you or comes near you. Doesn't the restraining order prevent him from contacting you? If not, it should . Call the police on him and get him locked up for continuing to bother you.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, good feedback already posted.

 

In one sentence, "should I cut my physically abusive, repeat offending ex some slack with his RO so he can buy a gun?".

 

Uh, no...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Emerald_11]

A couple months ago I had to apply for an order of protection against my now ex husband. Long story short things got a tad abusive. Started as trust issues and intense arguments, moved on to name calling, gaslighting, breaking things, punching walls, and finally physical abuse. Honestly I second guess my decision a lot because I never was abused to the point of being bruised or bleeding. Just minor incidents of physical aggression that I didn’t feel safe with and violence within earshot from the kids. I wanted it to stop and so I put the order on him. I was scared. Sometimes I still am when I have to see him to exchange the kids because I fear he’ll try to argue with me. My mind plays these scenarios where he comes at me in anger. But it’s exaggerated fear.

 

Anyway it’s been about 8 months since and we’ve been divorced. Because we have kids I have to see him and exchange them with him. There have been some hostile moments but it seems like things are dying down a bit. He really wants me to take the order of protection off. He gave me pretty lame excuses on how it’s affecting his life. He recently had to go to court because he violated the order 2 months after I applied for it and the court is requiring anger management classes as his sentence. This bothers him that he has to take the classes. He also says he can’t see the kids often but that’s not true. The kids are not in the order. He chooses not to have a schedule with them. He says it prevents him from buying firearms, and makes going to his real estate home office hard which is about 5 miles or so from where I currently work. None of this makes sense to me. However, I do see how having the order might affect him getting employment and that’s the only reason I can justify removing it early.

 

I probably don’t need the restraining order as I know that if he ever get violent I can just call the cops on him. Just last week he showed up at my door unannounced to ask for clarification on a conversation we had about our daughters play date. He could’ve just called. I felt uneasy about that but it wasn’t worth calling the cops about it. It didn’t get hostile but I still have some trauma about being around him.

 

I don’t know if removing the order is a smart move. But I’m tempted to do it because maybe my fear is irrational and he’s not a true danger to me. He just does little things that are strange and is quick to anger lately. He was never like this before. Anyway, what do you think I should do?

 

 

I have made this exact mistake before. I dropped a restraining order because I convinced myself he wouldn't do it again and it would be easier for the kids blah blah.....

It didn't happen right away but he did do it again! Every time it escalates to worse and worse.

These people gave you good advice.

 

I still regret dropping the restraining order to this day. I wish I would have listened to people who were trying to help me and cared about me back then.

 

You can't change the past. Only move forward.

 

I know it's hard and these guys have a way of making us feel sorry for them after they are scaring us. Don't feel sorry for him!

 

Stay strong and safe with your protective boundary in place!

[NYDame]

The restraining order is good until January of 2020 so pretty soon it won’t be good anymore. I’m already taking him to court to enforce the child support and he’s worried about that because he hasn’t gotten a job in a whole year and he thinks they’re going to arrest him. He complains to me that he won’t be able to help me from jail but honestly, he’s free and not helping me at all and actually is aggravating me more being free so I’m sad to say it but jail might be what he needs to wake up? I feel messed up thinking that but he’s not seeking help on his own and needs a wake up call. Anyway, I’m not trying to put him in jail though. That I’ll leave to him. Now I have to consider whether I’m going to go back to court to get a new restraining order in January and piss him off even more when he gets served again. Ugh!

[stillafool]

Sorry but those are the consequences of his actions. Sorry but he could have found a job somewhere in a year. McDonald's anyone? Yeah he could work if he really wanted to. Stop worrying about him being pissed off. You should be pissed off for not receiving child support. File a new restraining order in Jan.

[spiderowl]

I don't understand why you are even considering removing the order. He still scares you. He's broken the order by turning up on your doorstep. He has angry patches.

 

Do you want your ex to be able to turn up with firearms? Do you want him turning up at all?

 

I hope your house is secure and that he does not have a key.

 

Of course he is going to come up with reasons why you should remove the order. He wants to be able to harangue you (at least) and possibly more. You need to keep the order.