Love2015 Posted October 26, 2019 Posted October 26, 2019 My ex husband was with me 7 years. The year we married he finds OW..an ex colleague who comes to our wedding. She gets him and when I discovered I was devastated. Today he is with her, married and with a kid. So i guess happy endings for MM and OW do happen. However, it's been literally 4 years and I still can't move on and feel unhappy for what happened. All the love I thought we had..you took it away and instead left me with a memory of the man who character defamed me just to be with you. I wonder..is all this worth it? Do you realize how much you are hurting the betrayed spouse? Once you get the married person, how do you feel knowing they disrespected that relationship to be with you? I want to understand how you think and how can I move on? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2019 Posted October 26, 2019 Today he is with her, married and with a kid. So i guess happy endings for MM and OW do happen. In his case, a completely unfounded assumption. A man who lines up the OW at his own wedding doesn't have the DNA to be faithful to her or anyone else and his new bride could be more miserable than you. Love2015, life gave you two options - - be married to a cheater - start over and make something better At least for me, the choice would be easy... Mr. Lucky 4
schlumpy Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 All the love I thought we had..you took it away and instead left me with a memory of the man who character defamed me just to be with you. I wonder..is all this worth it? Isn't this more about self doubt? You trusted your instincts and judgement. It just all felt so right. How could you have been so wrong? Or is it she won and you lost? I would put to you that your memory is distorted when viewed through the lens of what has happened to you. The love was all on your side and the acting was all on his. You can still have that love but you have to start looking and paying attention. The love you want may have walked by you today or tried to make eye contact while you were a world away trying to know the unknowable. Let it go. Get therapy if you have to but let it go right this minute. Tomorrow when someone smiles at you - smile back. 1
somanymistakes Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 You can't guarantee that the world will bring about what you see as fitting karma for other people, unfortunately. But one thing you can guarantee is that bad people are always stuck with themselves. It's the one thing they can't get away from. They have to go on being them. He tricked you and took advantage of you. I realise you originally posted this in the OW/OM section so to address: I wonder..is all this worth it? Do you realize how much you are hurting the betrayed spouse? Once you get the married person, how do you feel knowing they disrespected that relationship to be with you? I want to understand how you think and how can I move on? OWs aren't all the same. Some of us are complete suckers who've been fed a line of hooey. Sometimes a cheater tells the OW that he's not married at all, or that he's separated, or that his wife was just using him for money/greencard/whatever and it's a business relationship really. His wife is so cruel, they never have sex, she's an abusive harpy, he needs the OW's support, blah blah blah. These OWs have no sympathy for the betrayed spouse because they've been told she has no feelings, and they've made that part of their own story, so they cannot acknowledge that it's not true without damaging their own self-image. Some of us are star-crossed lovers who believe that our love for the MM is a once-in-a-lifetime connection that was meant to be, and it's just really bad luck that he happened to be married to the wrong person first. These OWs do feel sorry for the betrayed spouse, but they also feel a certain degree of contempt for her. That poor woman. It isn't her fault that she exists only to be an obstacle in our amazing love story. And of course some of us are in it for the challenge. It's more exciting to steal a man who belongs to someone else. Most of these OWs don't really want to keep him, because they don't want to be tied down to a single relationship, but some of them would like to get the marriage and kid just so they can rub it in your face. They need someone else to 'lose' so that they can feel like they are 'winning'. They can't be happy in themselves, they need someone to be better than. But would it really help in any way to know what's going through your OW's mind? Your ex-husband treated you badly and now he's gone. Don't make yourself part of their story any longer. You belong to YOU. 4
preraph Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 If it's any consolation, he'll cheat on her too. If he will cheat on one, he'll cheat on the next. You know what they say: How you met them is how you'll lose them. The other thing you should realize is he was probably all about looks. It's actually good you didn't end up married or this would have happened when you had kids.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 OWs aren't all the same. Well, yes they are. They all choose to get involved with someone else's husband. It's disingenuous to complain about the issues when the obstacles are apparent going in. If you walk cross-country, can't lament the blisters... Mr. Lucky 1
somanymistakes Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Well, yes they are. They all choose to get involved with someone else's husband. You're picking what you think is the easiest 'proof' and you're still wrong. If you read the rest of my post, the very first group I pointed out included the people who are lied to and believe that they are dating a man who ISN'T someone else's husband. I could point out many other scenarios that don't fit what you just said, but that would be going off-topic. Now, sure, they're all the same in that they're all living human beings, but that's not really very meaningful, is it? It's disingenuous to complain about the issues when the obstacles are apparent going in. Who's complaining about the issues? All I'm saying is, you can't assume that every single OW feels exactly the same way about the BS, so getting one person's answer is not going to provide insight in the way the OP wanted. 1
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Yes we do get women who were genuinely scammed, into "dating" a married /attached guy, but I do not really see them as an OW. They become an OW the minute they choose to still stick around knowing that the guy is married/attached... So I agree with Mr Lucky "They all choose to get involved with someone else's husband/(partner/bf)." 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 They become an OW the minute they choose to still stick around knowing that the guy is married/attached... Bingo. And those that are "scammed" often choose to live in denial. He's not around any holidays? Sudden lengthy and unexplained absences? Hmmmm... I wonder..is all this worth it? Do you realize how much you are hurting the betrayed spouse? Unfortunately Love2015, the OW made that calculation, and not to your benefit, the moment she got involved with your husband. She knew she was throwing you under the bus and accepted that outcome... Mr. Lucky
mark clemson Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Who's complaining about the issues? All I'm saying is, you can't assume that every single OW feels exactly the same way about the BS, so getting one person's answer is not going to provide insight in the way the OP wanted. I tend to agree (without the bolding, I suppose). It's a little hard to know, not being female. However, my guess would be the range is somewhat limited and there are a few common groupings, e.g. - A certain form of pity (e.g. "she doesn't know what we're doing", but not enough pity to stop) - In some cases shame ("I can't believe I'm doing this to her", but again not enough to stop) - Active dislike, e.g. for "how badly she is treating this MM who's so nice to me and I like so much" (true or not) or for standing in the way of their mutual "true happiness" - Mild contempt ("Haha, I'm eating her lunch and she doesn't even know - I win") - Indifference (e.g., "I don't know her but I'm having fun so who cares" or "I'm too busy sticking it to my husband via this revenge affair with a convenient man who happens to be married to worry much about her") There are no doubt a few others. 1
mark clemson Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 ...it's been literally 4 years and I still can't move on and feel unhappy for what happened. Not going to disagree with the suggestion to seek IC if you haven't already. I don't think anyone could reasonably feel anything other than very unhappy given what happened. I don't think you need to stop feeling unhappy about that to move on. I'm not an MFT or anything but perhaps just move on (e.g. by starting a new life with a new and hopefully much better man) and let your feelings catch up? There are bad experiences I've had (not the level that happened to you, but still significant) that I'm "past" in that I'm generally happy and getting on with a pretty decent life. However, I still feel bad about those things when I think about them and what was done to me or those I knew and the injustices of them. That part takes a very long time to go away sometimes. One experience from college stood out. It took me more than a decade to feel like I was in a place to forgive a certain person. I eventually did, but really it took so long. If I had waited to get on with my life, it would have set me back more than the whole thing was worth. I eventually found out that this person lost one of their arms in a car accident. So at that point I was glad that I had already forgiven them.
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 I think it's too easy to hate on the OW and see her as the evil b*tch who stole your fairy tale but the truth of the matter is that your husband had a HUGE part to play in all of this. A spouse can only be 'taken' if they are open to the possibility of it. He clearly was very open to it so I'd be careful to think this is the fault of only one person. As for not being able to move on after 4 years, I think it would in your best interest to seek some professional help. Although it's not uncommon to mourn the loss of your marriage, particularly if you were blindsided, it's not healthy to stay stuck in the same place 4 years later. You need professional help to deal with your emotions in order to process them in a healthy way and be able to move forward. Good luck. 3
Author Love2015 Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 Thanks for all your responses. I tend to think about all when I find someone to date whom I really like then I spiral into crazy new date. Hence I stopped dating. Like I don't trust anything anyone tell me to the point that it hasn't allowed me to find someone new. I don't know how will I reach there...
Author Love2015 Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 Did you make a counseling appt for yourself? I went Counseling to cope with the divorce...at present no yet although thinking of doing so again
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