Dating a Separated Man - should I stay? UPDATE: Ended it.

[paloma22]

You're uncertain for good reason, but so is he. Why should he commit when you haven't even spent a night together, much less not had sex? Add in the distance factor, and it seems neither of you have much incentive to build this further.

 

We've definitely spent many nights together/sleepovers, and have been intimate in all ways but sex. We just haven't had any sleepovers lately.

[paloma22]

So don’t date him until he is actually divorced!

 

He is STILL very much married until it’s final.

 

Yep very true. Part of me tends to put certain men i date on pedestals, and i really have to stop because its not exactly like hes the most dateable man on the market right now so he should consider himself lucky and imo trying harder with me. that obviously hasn't been happening for the myriad of reasons discussed above.

[paloma22]

He's dating others.

 

Maybe. As an update he came back from his boys trip and sent me a very long update sunday night apologizing for the lack of contact and explaining what happened on his trip, (supposed power outages from bush fires etc), which seemed valid based on his posts. i still havent responded mainly bc of some other stuff that has come up in my life. i havent sent the break up message yet, im feeling all very confused about a lot of things i suppose and having a hard time pulling the trigger.

[paloma22]

You're uncertain for good reason, but so is he. Why should he commit when you haven't even spent a night together, much less not had sex? Add in the distance factor, and it seems neither of you have much incentive to build this further.

 

I should also add we've been 'exclusive' ie had the exclusive talk for about 1.5 monthsish. When I brought up last week if he was still dating others he said no.

[Rayce]

We've definitely spent many nights together/sleepovers, and have been intimate in all ways but sex. We just haven't had any sleepovers lately.

 

Interesting concept here... I don't really get how being intimate without sex is less emotional in some way. It must be hard to get to the point of wanting sex and then not having it... sounds very frustrating to me.

 

I agree with others and wont date a guy that is recently separated. I also prefer men who are single, divorce or widowed. In your country the law that says you have to wait a year actually makes a lot of sense. My own divorce took 2 years to get through and it was very messy. There was a lot of going back and forth. We had kids so that made me more willing to go through the break up and get back together times. Now I just feel it best to deal with problems like that before starting something new.

 

I hope everything works out for you. peace

[Versacehottie]

havent sent the break up message yet, im feeling all very confused about a lot of things i suppose and having a hard time pulling the trigger.

 

Don't send it then. You are allowed to fade out as much as he is. No reason you need to feel overly responsible for the status of the relationship or keeping him in the loop like you are the only caretaker of this task. You're allowed to pull back, take your time, leave things undecided as much as he or anyone is. Stop being the good girl, it's not helping you in your dating. good luck

[paloma22]

Interesting concept here... I don't really get how being intimate without sex is less emotional in some way. It must be hard to get to the point of wanting sex and then not having it... sounds very frustrating to me.

 

I agree I dont think its less emotional and i agree it was getting frustrating probably for both of us. possibly why its now fizzling. he has finally gone and gotten tested and now im not even sure if we are going to go there. For me, it was about sexual health then emotions, he gave me his word he would get tested bc he has had unprotected sex in the past year with several women. being in this industry i know how rampant STIs are now, people just don't realize it. so no, not less emotional, but it was important that we waited for this reason.

 

In hindsight I still wish we had sex (im still hella attracted to him) but I'm proud of myself for sticking to my values. Im still not really responding to his last message, so it'll be interesting to see if it just fizzles or if he follows up again. I sort of feel semi wronged - i was open and honest with him last week about needing more in terms of communication etc. and then he goes on this boys trip and ignores me for 3 days. even a curtesy msg would have been OK given he was posting things the whole time. that combined with the bumble location changes. its all very fishy and i am a bit bitter right now. so im just gonna leave it. trying to respect myself enough to leave it.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

Don't send it then. You are allowed to fade out as much as he is. No reason you need to feel overly responsible for the status of the relationship or keeping him in the loop like you are the only caretaker of this task. You're allowed to pull back, take your time, leave things undecided as much as he or anyone is. Stop being the good girl, it's not helping you in your dating. good luck

 

Thank you, I agree. Its funny one of the reasons im not replying is because i dont want to feel like i have no idea the next time ill hear from him in response. Its a **** feeling and not healthy. So im going to do the same thing he just did to me(ignore) and see what happens. i know he was on a boys trip but it doesnt matter. he should have had the decency to write me over the weekend, especially after i told him last week i needed more in terms of communication.

 

the only thing im unsure about is if he follows up ie. texts again and asks if everything is ok. if he doesn't follow up again then writing is on the wall and that'll be it. im kind of mad at him tbh and so maybe its just better it ends now.

[S2B]

I should also add we've been 'exclusive' ie had the exclusive talk for about 1.5 monthsish. When I brought up last week if he was still dating others he said no.

 

Ya know, you had the exclusive talk.

 

And then his actions don’t make you feel that he’s being exclusive.

 

On top of that you spelled out your needs (for him to communicate more). Then he blew you off instead of being more aware of how to make you happy. Trip or no trip hehad plenty of time to call and text you - but he chose not to.

 

His behavior doesn’t seem exclusive. Quite the opposite.

 

I wouldn’t waste more time on him. He hasn’t been making effort to be sure your needs are met.

 

And if it’s this way in the beginning - it’s not likely to get great later when he shows little effort.

 

The beginning should be the best effort they usually make. He’s not making the cut.

[S2B]

Do you have proof it was a “boys” weekend?

[paloma22]

Do you have proof it was a “boys” weekend?

 

yeah i mean he posted pics of him and his guy friends. i do know it was. but im not sure what else it was.

[paloma22]

Don't send it then. You are allowed to fade out as much as he is. No reason you need to feel overly responsible for the status of the relationship or keeping him in the loop like you are the only caretaker of this task. You're allowed to pull back, take your time, leave things undecided as much as he or anyone is. Stop being the good girl, it's not helping you in your dating. good luck

 

really trying to be strong. 2 days in and i haven't responded. i havent even checked his stories today. so he clearly prb knows something is up. i just feel sad. i am NEVER the one that fades. and its making me sad because i think im realizing he may not follow up. i think after his separation/the cheating, he is a very 'accepting' guy, doesn't really put up a fuss, he's a fairly logical guy i guess and would prob just move on. which is obviously not what any girl wants but *sigh* i suppose its better then staying with someone only half in

[Versacehottie]

really trying to be strong. 2 days in and i haven't responded. i havent even checked his stories today. so he clearly prb knows something is up. i just feel sad. i am NEVER the one that fades. and its making me sad because i think im realizing he may not follow up. i think after his separation/the cheating, he is a very 'accepting' guy, doesn't really put up a fuss, he's a fairly logical guy i guess and would prob just move on. which is obviously not what any girl wants but *sigh* i suppose its better then staying with someone only half in

 

Ok, for number one: I feel like having "exclusivity" on paper or verbally or whatever is just a term. What do you expect exclusivity to look and be like? I think most people who are into the other person would expect it to be loving in nature, close and progressing type thing. At 4 months it should be some of the most fun and exciting times. So on one hand you've got the verbal promise that you are exclusive and some contact here and there but the reality is much different than what a person would hope, i.e. it doesn't give you much security or that great feeling. It's just a word and the reality is different so maybe focus on that. Just because this guy is "on the hook" for agreeing to be exclusive with you doesn't mean he is living up to your expectations. We could even argue that perhaps he's not honoring the exclusive bit--the only thing is if you focus on that part you will probably want to "win"/win him back. You should focus on that he is not meeting your expectations of fun, wonderment, etc. This doesn't sound fun and he is not bringing out the best in you and vice versa. He's treating you like an obligation. Forget that!

 

Ok second, if you are not responding in order to "get a response" from him than you are effectively "still waiting". It keeps you in the loop because you care more and looking for a reaction from him. When I said that you are allowed to take your time with a response or fade out, I meant just that. Not answering in order to try to make him WAKE UP usually keeps you locked into the relationship. Why not tell yourself that you just aren't sure what you want to do which is why you haven't answered? On one hand it is the truth that you don't know what you want to do. You can respond positively or neutrally if you want and he contacts and just tell him you didn't know what you wanted to do about the relationship and here's the KEY: are still deciding. Ok that's a bit of game playing but instead of still wanting to be the caretaker of this relationship and move it forward, take the stance that it's YOU that needs to be won over. Otherwise you are just forcing things or even your non-response in order to get a reaction is you driving this thing forward.

 

ps i would guess the majority of time that guys don't contact but are receptive when you contact them it's for the same reasons as i'm advising: they have reservations about the relationship moving forward but mixed feelings, some positive, some negative. See? When they are stuck, they often do nothing. You can do the same or at least it's an explanation of what is going on with them.

 

btw, i do think this one is probably done. whenever you break up with someone, there are mixed feelings. You just have to get better at riding the storm, i.e. the bad days compared to the good. I think a huge portion of why you are having a bad day is because you are waiting for a reaction. So take that part away: in your own mind you can really virtually stop waiting for a reaction by making a personal decision about your decision. Ok good luck

[Versacehottie]

I would add that he is probably a guy who is only half in because he still emotionally unavailable. That doesn't mean he is hung up on his ex (he may be of course) but it can also mean that he has no real intentions, consciously or unconsciously to get into another relationship anytime soon. Protection mechanism, wanting to have fun, not wanting to get hurt, wanting to build up his bruised ego with a variety of dating and ability to bury his emotions. If you think about it, it totally matches with what he's spent his time doing since his wife, right? It also matches with a lot of what people say after a divorce/separation, especially if cheating was involved. It is the classic recovery process for them.

 

Secondly, you said he was logical. As in probably overly logical. I hate to point it out but it may just be the reason he found himself cheated on and that the two of you are going through what you are going through. His failure to express emotion that keeps people connected could be his own repetitive pattern that leaves a wake of problems for him and the people that get close to him. No excuse for someone cheating on him or that this is entirely on him that he's logical or that you won't encounter another guy much like this, it's just an explanation.

[boymommy]

He had no children with his ex partner but I do want children or a child. Hes told me he wants children in the future (by 38 apparently?) but doesnt want to remarry. Which is interesting as I dont know many women these days that would have kids out of wedlock, though i guess its possible

 

 

The red flag I see is that he wants to have kids out of wedlock and does not wish to remarry? Aside from all the other issues you mentioned, are you okay with what he wants? Think about this now before you get more attached. Trust me it will get more difficult further down the road. Listen to what he is saying now. If you want to have marriage and kids (in that order) then this guy may just not be the right fit. Don't try to change his mind.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

Secondly, you said he was logical. As in probably overly logical. I hate to point it out but it may just be the reason he found himself cheated on and that the two of you are going through what you are going through. His failure to express emotion that keeps people connected could be his own repetitive pattern that leaves a wake of problems for him and the people that get close to him.

 

this second point is honestly bang on. at the beginning of my dating him (and him telling me about his break) he told me that his ex and him never fought, and maybe he should have realized this was a problem bc when she ended it i think it was completely out of the blue for him. they never fought- nothing. but maybe, just maybe, he was impossible at expressing his emotions or frustrations - im not sure. one of the things i was/am so attracted by is his laid back personality, for someone like me (stubborn, sensitive), this seemed a perfect match. but i think your insight on this is very accurate and i dont know if he would really express much in terms of emotions or feelings, esp to someone new in his life. its hard to say. but it (clearly) has not helped him out.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

So day 3 and no response to his message. I have been having a horrible week outside of this so its not helping my will to 'do anything about the situation'. i agree by not replying im still sort of in it, but i also have a hard time/dont think i can completely pull the 'its over' trigger. its too definitive and reality is i dont hate him, i just think maybe we aren't on the same page anymore. i also think ghosting someone ive been seeing for nearly 4 months, and who hasn't REALLY done anything wrong, is kind of terrible. I dont want be the 'good girl', but i also dont want to be completely disrespectful. Has he disrespected me lately ie has he gone on bumble? Maybe. I dont know. And its one of the many reasons im thinking this will end. But in fairness I TOO am on bumble, mainly bc i am insecure about him! (so many problems with all of this...)

 

IN SAYING ALL THAT, I do think i need to say something. I like your idea about the responding positively or neutrally but also saying im unsure about things at the moment and i need some time to think it through. Im going on no contact for 4 days so i have to be careful, he may just agree and end it right then and there. which is of course the risk i take. I also agree- i think its over or ending, i just think it could be amicable if its reasonable to do so?

Edited October 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[paloma22]

The red flag I see is that he wants to have kids out of wedlock and does not wish to remarry? Aside from all the other issues you mentioned, are you okay with what he wants? Think about this now before you get more attached. Trust me it will get more difficult further down the road. Listen to what he is saying now. If you want to have marriage and kids (in that order) then this guy may just not be the right fit. Don't try to change his mind.

 

yeah. i just would be interested in whether he'd ever find someone willing to do that. probably another divorcee or someone with other kids? not many women actually are this, erm, liberal?? all the power to the woman if he can actually find that but unless its an accident (and even still), most women want marriage. i wish i could say im that woman that doesnt need marriage to have kids, but not sure if that would be a lie. who knows, i may just have an IVF baby with an aesthetically perfect donor sperm surgeon?

[stillafool]

A month or so back I told him I didnt want to be a closet girlfriend and he said he didn't consider us Boyfriend Girlfriend, which obviously hurt a bit.

*Also impt fact - the separation was not mutual. His ex cheated on him.

 

Unless I missed something it doesn't seem that you guys are exclusive and he's made it clear. It's concerning that he's only been separated for 4 months and the cause was her cheating. This man is more than likely still grieving his failed marriage. It takes men a long time to get over their wife having sex with another man; especially an affair. As you said he's been involved with quite a few women since the separation, including you and now he seems just blah about it all. His mind may be back on his wife and his pain. That could be why he isn't in a rush to have sex with you. He's already tried that method of reducing his pain; but it's back. If he were really into you he would have rushed to get tested so he could have sex with you. You are doing right by not contacting him.

 

Also it seems unmarried women are having babies more than ever. There are single mothers everywhere and a lot of these women are not looking for husbands.

Edited October 30, 2019 by stillafool

[Versacehottie]

Two questions:

 

*Are you more comfortable taking a passive role in your own life? While on one hand, I think there is no harm in saying that you don't know how you want to proceed with him and take the risk that he will break it off with you. There is value in being honest and just saying what you feel and taking a risk which is bold. On the other hand, I get the feeling that you might still be effectively holding on or trying to force the situation by scaring him that he will lose you (no judgement, I think most girls have been there!!!). If that is the case, I would just encourage you to ACTIVELY decide what happens to you, rather than PASSIVELY take what you get. You know, that is part of what makes a person insecure and anxious about a situation. You are effectively handing over your fate and your decisions to another person. If you can't do it this time, i think working on that for the future would be a great thing and add value to your life.

 

*Secondly, just a logical one If you want a baby and see yourself married to do it, why in the world waste time with this guy? He's a terrible risk/bad bet for getting what you want. I wouldn't bet on him changing his mind. He has plainly told you he wouldn't want that. Add in his situation and even if he changes his mind, it would probably be very reluctantly and a long time down the road. He's a bad bet for the things you want in YOUR life.

 

ps i think you've "jumped to the end" like i often say. It's been 4 months and he's still married officially and half in--so it is a little crazy to be legitimately thinking of marriage and babies. What evidence he has given you, indicates nothing of the sort is coming from his end. Part of what I think keeps people hooked into the wrong person or just hooked in in an unrealistic way is jumping to the end. Like wanting to see yourself married or with this person in a serious relationship. In doing that, you fail to see and fully realize what it is like RIGHT NOW with this person and miss all the valuable signs that he/she would make a good partner for you in reality and the opportunity to build the relationship and a good foundation/patterns with them and assess as you go. It leaves you the vulnerable one, the blind one and going after a prize that you actually might not want. It can change a good trajectory into a bad one because you are only focused on the end point. I think that is part of the reason you are so upset and conflicted. If you look at the sooner you break up with this bad bet, heal and get onto finding someone new, the sooner you will have the life you want is a better way to look at making a difficult decision. Good luck

[paloma22]

Two questions:

 

 

Thank you for this. I think youre right, passively staying in it, or even saying i need time to think allows him the opportunity to end it himself. Not sure that would be the best oucome for me. I have drafted a message that essentially ends things and also tells him how i honestly feel - that i tried, i attempted transparency, that things haveent been progressing and in fact digressing lately, and that we had great chemistry at the beginning and am unsure what it has changed. Im also saying i think hes a great guy and it would have been nice to build something but i wish him the best.

 

Ideally, it would be nice to stay in touch in some capacity, as i honestly dont hate him. i just dont think he should be dating seriously right now. but then again i have no idea what else he is doing outside of seeing me (again just speculation, could be absolutely nothing as he tells me). so i thought being honest is best. not sure how he'll respond to all that.

 

Am i saying too much? i appreciate your thoughts again, as i said i havent 'broken' up with someone officially, in ages. so this is coming a bit new to me. i just hate when things are so definite/final.

Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

Unless I missed something it doesn't seem that you guys are exclusive and he's made it clear. It's concerning that he's only been separated for 4 months and the cause was her cheating. This man is more than likely still grieving his failed marriage. It takes men a long time to get over their wife having sex with another man; especially an affair. As you said he's been involved with quite a few women since the separation, including you and now he seems just blah about it all. His mind may be back on his wife and his pain. That could be why he isn't in a rush to have sex with you. He's already tried that method of reducing his pain; but it's back. If he were really into you he would have rushed to get tested so he could have sex with you. You are doing right by not contacting him.

 

Also it seems unmarried women are having babies more than ever. There are single mothers everywhere and a lot of these women are not looking for husbands.

 

this might have gotten a little lost. hes been separated i suppose unofficially for almost a year (her admitting the cheating), officially since about june when she moved into her own place, and seeing other people for about a year as well. we started seeing each other july. hes had other relations yes but i believe also dated another much younger woman for a few months (she ended it), but my understanding it was a more physical relationship, and she may not have known he was married...

[Versacehottie]

It seems like you are struggling with two parts of the "breakup". Hating to hurt someone kind of. And then secondly the finality of it.

 

For the part about hurting someone or haven't been the dumper for ages, again it's a matter of putting yourself first in your own life. Think of it less as getting rid of someone or hurting them and more as asserting your needs (without the expectation to change him) and controlling the direction and path of your life. It's harmless that way. State without judgement; try not to editorialize, just state things from your perspective about what you want. I don't think it's bad to say that what you have said above. If you are unsure about wanting to break up right now, then it's just a conversation and you say your side and let him explain his side. But i think you mentioned you've already done this, right? I think sometimes people who have a hard time asserting themselves come to a "conclusion" such as you wrote above where you are ending it without getting his feedback. You could also just state your own position, i.e. something has changed, not sure what, it feels to you like you had great chemistry and were progressing but now digressing. Then let him speak or give you feedback. And of course tell him he's a great guy if you think so. IMO, try not to "draw the conclusion" for the both of you if you want his input and your decision is not final (for the current moment).

 

IMO, he's been treating it pretty casually and in a way as if it's a bit of a burden for him. I know that is breaking my policy of not editorializing lol. And definitely don't tell him that (well not the burden part--i don't think it's bad to say that he's been treating it pretty casually and that's not what you are looking for). My point about having this perspective, is if you also see things the same way, he may not even be bothered, even might be relieved or not really see it as a breakup in the way you do. Like it won't be as harsh as you are thinking he might take it. His level of effort is what is the majority of the reason you are feeling this way so it might not come as a surprise to him. And honestly, i think it's the best that if someone treats you casually and that's not what you want that you assert what you do want without pressuring them to be or do something they cannot. Just that it doesn't work for you and then see if they will meet you at your level. Often it doesn't work initially but it does in the future with that person or you with other people. In a way you are teaching yourself how to treat yourself and what you expect.

 

I don't think you are saying too much only in your shoes i wouldn't draw the conclusions for him unless you are positive you are wanting to break up. If you are open to hearing what he has to say and letting him try then don't draw the conclusions.

 

I think it always--even when it's hard--is good to choose your own path rather than have other people choose it for you. And to say what's in your heart and on your mind (the reasonable, not attacking part, not fawning either). Less regret that way. Less recovering from disappointment. After all, lots of that is hurt that has nothing to do with losing the other person but more of the ego blow that comes with it.

 

So for the second part, the finality--why not say what's truly on your mind? Something along the lines of i think you're a great guy but the timing is not the best for us or it seems like we want different things right now--whatever it is that you truly think that ALSO leaves you empowered. No harm in that. I know SEVERAL girls who did just that and are now with the person they said that to. I don't want you to use this information to hold onto hope because you really have to let go. But it's a way to leave the door open IF and WHEN it suits you. It's permission to try--that's all. It's not a guarantee you will be available, open or any of that, only that you would be willing to listen. That removes the finality. but you have to be really careful that you aren't doing it to keep your current hope alive--that you have to say goodbye to.

 

IMO that block/delete stuff should be saved for people who deserve it or are bothering you. It's kind of an ego boost momentarily for the people who do it. That said, you do have to be strong and make sure you don't allow him to string you along or allow a friendship when that's not what you want or something that is only on his terms, so use it wisely and sparingly if you allow a bit of an open door.

 

oh, i would say probably a verbal conversation is best. unless you really have a tendency to lose your train of thought or get derailed or he is good at doing that with you.

 

Good luck

[S2B]

He never saw the D coming - then he started seeing you quickly after they moved apart from each other.

 

I’d venture to say he hasn’t processed emotionally the end of one relationship before jumping right into a new one.

 

In his head - he is still involved in his marriage.

 

And I would never totally and blindly believe anyone who says their spouse cheated on them. That’s a card the cheater pulls all the time - because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.

[paloma22]

Well its over. I sent a candid paragraph similar to what i mentioned, being fairly blunt about how things havent been working and that they aren't progressing rather digressing despite my attempts at transparency. i also mentioned im unsure what happened to our chemistry. and that we want different things right now.

 

he basically responded within an hour in a fairly cheery way, saying hes sorry i had a busy week and that he understands it wasn't an easy msg to send. and that our chemistry isn't the problem bc he enjoys spending time with me, its the realization of our conversation we had at our last dinner is coming true (our lack of time for each other).then he sort of ends it by wishing me all the best in the future etc.

 

.. i felt pretty ****ty after receiving this bc a) it seems he doesn't care and was already over it and b) he doesn't actually GET it still. this isn't about time bc i told him i needed more from him, its about him not being able to meet my needs. Im just frustrated it seems hes turned this back on me.

 

and so single life begins again.

Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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