Dating a Separated Man - should I stay? UPDATE: Ended it.

[elaine567]

You sent that message not to actually break up with him but to make him regret his actions and to be the boyfriend you wanted him to be.

You had tried the "no reply" to no effect, you stepped up the pressure

 

Instead of apologising and making up with you he agreed to ending it.

You are upset as that was not how you saw it panning out.

You are technically the dumper, but not really as it was just a "trick" to make him take you seriously

Unfortunately you saw yourself in a position of power, you would "sort him out"... he would regret the error of his ways, but you weren't really listening to the obvious lack of interest he was showing you.

[FMW]

It's best chalked up to experience, and knowing better next time. Separated or even newly divorced men are best avoided. And in all cases, pay close attention to what they tell you about themselves in both words and actions.

 

Try not to spend any more time on regret, it's a waste of energy and emotion.

[BaileyB]

To me, his response was respectful, considerate, and honest. I think it shows that he is a good man, unfortunately he just doesn’t have the time or the interest to let this be what you want it to be. Such is life.

 

I’ve had a similar conversation with a man that I really liked. It’s disappointing, it hurts, but you have to respect his honesty and the kindness with which the message was delivered. Give it time, and you will see that he didn’t really “turn it around on you” - unfortunately, for all intent and purpose you picked an unavailable man and this has ended in a rather predictable way...

[stillafool]

I've found that we have to find our own closure and not rely on the other party to do so. It seems that any questions we may ask just brings about more questions later on. I agree with others that his response to your break up was telling and almost as if he was relieved.

[paloma22]

I've found that we have to find our own closure and not rely on the other party to do so. It seems that any questions we may ask just brings about more questions later on. I agree with others that his response to your break up was telling and almost as if he was relieved.

 

Yep maybe. Either way he’s already started following other girls on social media so that’s interesting. Didn’t take long at all. I have as well mind you so he may be mirroring me. I went on a date tonight. Made me miss him. But still a nice distraction.. it’s funny how much I desperately want to move on and not care about him bc I know he’s not right, but yet I still miss the guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would unfollow him or delete him altogether from your social media now. You don't need the discomfort that will come from seeing his activity online.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Yep maybe. Either way he’s already started following other girls on social media so that’s interesting. Didn’t take long at all.

 

The man had unprotected sex with a number of different women in the past six months, since he’s been separated. Does the fact that he has moved on really surprise you?

[Versacehottie]

the much younger woman, he told me they broke up for similar reasons hes attributing our breakup too, bc she wanted more. i dont think she ever knew or found out he was married as it was a purely physical relationship. though i dont know details.

 

correction: I attribute our breakup to me needing more then he can give. based on his response to my msg he seems to think this is about a lack of time. so hes inadvertently putting this on me

 

Ok well here comes some tough love: as much as the advice I gave, I think you also used the withholding a response and then subsequently breaking up with him as tools to try to get him to do something more, shake him up. That's the reason why i kept urging you to get in touch with what you want. There is no need to hurry to respond if you don't know what you want; there is no hurry to break up if you don't know what you want. IMO, you were trying to force the issue and latched on (unfortunately perhaps) to some of the advice i gave as strategy to make the other person "do something". I think if you are honest with yourself, you would know that's a large part of why you did what you did and now regret it. See it all comes back to feeling good about your "position". You can discuss it with them but to make a unilateral decision, backs them into a corner. Don't be serious about it, unless you are serious about it. I know it doesn't feel like it now but in the long run i think it will be the best thing for YOU. Why? See bolded above ^^^^ when things get too needy from his perspective, he backs off--his intention is not to get to deep, give too much. This is beyond classic after divorce/separated behavior. He has no intention of getting into anything serious, time-consuming, all-encompassing, emotionally-involved at this point. It happened before you and it's happening with you.

 

I wouldn't get nitpicky with the exact wording. To me, he is saying exactly the same thing. You want more in terms of time, effort, emotion. So did the girl before you. He's not willing to give that to anyone right now.

 

Closure you give yourself. You have enough info

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

Sorry, pushed send before I was done. Just wanted to say, you have enough info from him, from yourself, from the situation to give yourself "closure".

 

Hang in there & think of constructive ways to learn from this and move forward. Good luck

[paloma22]

@S2B....

 

yeah. and although I've clearly followed several new men on social media since the break, almost 24 hours after this he's following multiple, one is 10 years his junior. So, i suppose i know what he'll be up to, now that hes 'uninhibited'.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

You sent that message not to actually break up with him but to make him regret his actions and to be the boyfriend you wanted him to be. You had tried the "no reply" to no effect, you stepped up the pressure

 

this isn't exactly true. i did say in my original message that whatever it was between us wasn't working and that i think we should end things and go out seperate ways. i think my message was pretty clear. hes not a fighter, so i honestly didn't expect him to try and say anything other then accept it.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

The man had unprotected sex with a number of different women in the past six months, since he’s been separated. Does the fact that he has moved on really surprise you?

 

im 90% sure now he was seeing other women for maybe the last 1.5 months. not sure why i ignored or suppressed the signs but it all really dawned on me last night. why else would his affection and intimacy drop off entirely? i am having a hard time moving on because i feel like he got away with murder and yes although i ended it, he got away with it enough to wait it out. just feeling foolish and once again, betrayed even though i walked away.

 

i really think he needs help and needs to heal emotionally before dragging someone into his life but i didn't even get a chance to say this to him. its kind of bs. I'm just mad now.

 

i know this thread has lingered on but how do i make peace with this likely possibility and move on? i wasn't planning on deleting him from my one social media as its nice to stay in touch and check up on people in the future when your over it, but i also feel he doesn't deserve to know what im doing.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, it could be that he was dating around or it could be that he lost the thrill of the chase with you or just didn't see it going much of anywhere. I don't have hard evidence but i think that sometimes even guys who chose to mostly have just physical relationships and stay emotionally disconnected by choice, end up feeling not "into it" for reasons they can't put their finger on--which of course is the lack of being emotionally available!!

 

Also guys will sometimes make things such as you really have no choice but TO break up with them due to lack of effort or bad behavior, etc.

 

As for feeling as if you need to tell him off or that he "should" do this or that or not have dragged you into it, personally i think it's mostly a waste of your good energy/energy. Wouldn't it make much more sense to change the focus in YOUR life, back onto you??? I think you can take the lessons here--some people don't do the "right" thing; some people aren't ready but will try only to discover they are not ready; some people are unemotionally available overall or due to their current life circumstances; some people ignore the signs and don't enforce healthy boundaries and find themselves in not a good situation for themselves. All of these are good lessons--there are probably more too. I'm saying if your going to get stuck or ruminate, might as well have it be productive and see what it is that YOU could do differently in the future--or even what you would do exactly the same.

 

Again, you just want to "say it to him" to get a reaction--as if you two are still in a relationship and you can affect him, seemingly you want to significantly. It may or may not hurt him. I doubt he will change very much how he lives his life currently and it almost for sure will not change things between you two. In other words, none of it is any good for you really. Does telling someone off if they don't care, give you "closure"? Come on. I don't think it makes much sense to turn him into the villain. You took a calculated high stake risk--but you took it. An only separated, not even divorced guy is a risk--bigger than a single guy, all other things considered equal. Dating is a risk: sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

 

I think whatever helps you move on with your own life is what you should do. Personally my opinion due to this thread is that you'd be best served from deleting him and blocking him from seeing your stuff for your own sake and healing. If you don't want to do that, put his stories/profile on mute and you at least won't see his stuff. When you don't care anymore, you could always add him back but then you won't care anymore so maybe you won't be bothered to. IMO you are still hyper focused on him--ie not wanting him to know what you are doing--that's all from his perspective. You need a perspective shift back onto yourself. If you don't want him to know what you are doing for YOU, it's simple: block. It's not like he doesn't 'deserve' to know what you are doing. He's not really acting like a guy who cares that much to be honest (sorry).

 

Lastly, i think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself: "foolish" and "once again betrayed" are labels you are putting on yourself that are very pervasive and permanent and will usually perpetuate these beliefs about yourself to you and how you interact with others. You deserve better than that!! Chalk it up to a one time thing, bad timing and the value is that you learned from it. Does everyone always have the perfect dating answer: no! Does everyone make mistakes: yes! Taking a high risk with someone may mean that you are more open, more hopeful, more able to see the good sides in others--concentrate on that--those are also true out of this experience. That's all it is: an experience in paloma's life. Take the good and the lessons, leave the rest behind.

[BaileyB]

i am having a hard time moving on because i feel like he got away with murder and yes although i ended it, he got away with it enough to wait it out. just feeling foolish and once again, betrayed even though i walked away.

 

i really think he needs help and needs to heal emotionally before dragging someone into his life but i didn't even get a chance to say this to him.

 

I ask sincerely, what do you have to gain from doing this? Do you seriously think that he will change his ways, because you told him what YOU think HE needs to do? I’m very sorry to be so blunt, but who are you to say what he should or should not be doing? Have you walked a mile in his shoes - do you know what it feels like to invest yourself into a marriage only to have your wife betray your trust in the worst way a woman could hurt a man? Just because you think he should be over it and ready for another committed relationship doesn’t mean that he has dealt with the experience of being cheated on and the end of his marriage... maybe this is all a part of his process, maybe he can’t offer anything more at this time...

 

Do you hear what I’m saying? Your desire to give him what-for is your anger speaking. And, you are angry because you are hurt. And while it may feel good in the moment to tell him exactly how you feel and what you think he needs to do... it’s unlikely to have the desired effect. He is his own person, he is going to do what he wants to do - regardless of what you say... Just because he’s not doing what you think he should be doing, doesn’t mean that he’s not doing exactly what he needs to be doing right now. If he got away with murder it is because there were some big red flags that you passed and chose to ignore along the way... but again, like versaceahottie said, you are human and you liked him - so you took a chance. It didn’t work out this time, but it’s no big loss. And if, he is a jerk and have a number of short term relationships with women - well, be glad he is their problem and not yours anymore...

 

how do i make peace with this likely possibility and move on?.

 

Paloma, I offer my favourite new quote - focus on the hurt, and you will continue to suffer. Focus on the lesson, and you will continue to grow.

 

Do what women have been doing since the dawn of time, get yourself some ice cream and have yourself a good cry. Talk it out with your girlfriends. Tomorrow is another day. Keep yourself busy to do things that bring you joy and remember, this too shall pass... good luck.

Edited November 5, 2019 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I ask sincerely, what do you have to gain from doing this? Do you seriously think that he will change his ways, because you told him what YOU think HE needs to do? I’m very sorry to be so blunt, but who are you to say what he should or should not be doing?

 

I was about to say the same.

 

Paloma, I know you are hurt and disappointed. It's understandable. But to say he got away with murder? Well, no. Not even close. He's actually not really doing anything that terrible; it just doesn't line up with what you want. He's doing what a lot of separated people do - dating around, keeping things casual. I don't see anywhere that he promised you commitment, and in fact he had already told you he didn't see you two as a couple. No doubt that stung, but you can't exactly crucify the guy for not wanting to get serious.

 

As such, he doesn't need help. He's doing just fine. This is his healing journey. It sucks that you got emotionally involved, of course. I don't think he ever tried to be malicious towards you, though. He simply saw all of this much more casually than you did. When you realized that, you made the correct choice to walk away. Neither of you is wrong, you just don't have compatible goals in dating right now.

 

Take it as a valuable lesson moving forward. Stay away from the recently-separated. Walk for good if someone tells you they don't view you as their girlfriend, or if you sense they are not on the same page as you.

[paloma22]

I think im just trying to now come to terms with things and move on. There are a few things preventing me from this i think including:

-I don't know if he was seeing other people and never will

-I won't know if he ever properly did get tested in which case if he did, i basically set him up for other women. i didn't sleep with him which i sort of now regret bc he was so attractive.

-i didn't really keep things open or end on an OK note, i just text ended it which i sort of regret -- i actually do not hate him, and if he was actually not seeing anyone else and simply couldn't give me what i need right now, which i guess i can understand, then that makes it less difficult for me (Selfishly). -- this is similar to a guy i dated last year, he actually ghosted me in the end but his father passed away very suddenly following a trip to visit me. he actually kept seeing me but eventually ghosted. i felt so bad about the thing with his dad and i guess chalked up the eventual ghosting to delayed resentment. it actually helped me heal and forgive him more/not resent.

-would loved to have even said that who knows and maybe in a year when hes divorced and im still working in the same place - left things open for us down the road. even if its super unlikely. also makes things easier.

- i suppose the last thing is convincing myself that i am not flawed or unlovable and despite him being completely so into me at the start (i read through our old messages), it sort of died. i guess feeling like its genuinely not me, its him, and that he wont be able to have a healthy monogamous relationship until hes healed from his divorce (which cant even be filed until june if he does it at all).

 

Also thanks for the one who changed the threat to update--i guess this is now just advice on moving on. i am slowly accepting it but really take time. he was actually a large part of my life/ emotional energy for several months and now feeling the void.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[paloma22]

Why not tell this guy to contact you when his divorce is final?

 

IF it’s supposed to work he can do that - and you’ll know he’s really free when he contacts you.

 

i think its too late for that as its already ended and ive cut off contact. i do sort of wish i was in a better headspace when i ended it and said something to this matter. i do think hell move on quickly though, dont imagine he will stay single long. also, hes separated, not even filed for divorce yet.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[paloma22]

Lastly, i think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself: "foolish" and "once again betrayed" are labels you are putting on yourself that are very pervasive and permanent and will usually perpetuate these beliefs about yourself to you and how you interact with others. You deserve better than that!! Chalk it up to a one time thing, bad timing and the value is that you learned from it. Does everyone always have the perfect dating answer: no! Does everyone make mistakes: yes! Taking a high risk with someone may mean that you are more open, more hopeful, more able to see the good sides in others--concentrate on that--those are also true out of this experience. That's all it is: an experience in paloma's life. Take the good and the lessons, leave the rest behind.

 

i agree with what you are saying but our relationship wasn't even that physical.our last 3 dates - a bunch, beach date and dinner ended in some making out, initiated by me, bc i still really wanted him. and then he left. at the start he was constantly wanting me and talking about how he couldn't wait to have sex with me.

it started very physical, eventually after a few dates and going back through old texts he was actually so flirty and complimenting over text, and talking about how pretty i was and constantly wanting 'snugs' but also that he was happy to take it slow. after he admitted to the unprotected sex with several women i asked he get tested fairly early, like going back September 3rd i had a text about asking him, he basically put it off almost 2 months... which is crazy. he did eventually go - but i still dont even know if he got the testing i asked him to get bc i ended it before i asked him (he had gotten some blood results but never told me if he got the additional tests).

 

This may have been the most frustrating part of the end of this. I felt unattractive and undesired by him anymore. Yet he still drove an hour to see me in the end several times. It just didn't make sense. Perhaps he didn't want me going to his place because he was hiding something? Ill never know.

 

as mentioned in reply to expatinitaly, i think i want to keep telling myself its not me, he is not emotionally ready for something right now, and probably wont be until the divorce is final. reality is he probably will convince another poor soul to date him exclusively, and im curious if hell actually have a real relationship with her.

 

i know i should not follow him. but i also find not following or blocking results in complete lack of contact and maybe down the road i wont really mind seeing what hes up to. there's a few people ive dated (albeit not that seriously) i sill follow and keep in friendly touch with. not sure if that'll be possible for him.

 

finally, i do wish i said something to the fact of 'maybe down the line we can see once divorce processed or if the timing is good' .. just something light and open to ease the 'finite' nature of things ending. but saying that also says i care.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[paloma22]

I ask sincerely, what do you have to gain from doing this? Do you seriously think that he will change his ways, because you told him what YOU think HE needs to do? I’m very sorry to be so blunt, but who are you to say what he should or should not be doing? Have you walked a mile in his shoes - do you know what it feels like to invest yourself into a marriage only to have your wife betray your trust in the worst way a woman could hurt a man? Just because you think he should be over it and ready for another committed relationship doesn’t mean that he has dealt with the experience of being cheated on and the end of his marriage... maybe this is all a part of his process, maybe he can’t offer anything more at this time...

 

I guess my question is CAN he even have a healthy relationship with someone and be emotionally invested right now. suppose i am trying to rationalize that the answer is no and he sort of lost interest in me (so it seemed) romantically, because his heart is still with his ex wife. i guess if i think in terms of this, its HIM, not ME, it helps me not take it as personally. i guess hard to explain but goes back to my self blame and feelings of inadequecy from previous failed relationships. i know myself well i just dont tend to learn very well from my mistakes.

 

If I can honestly believe he cant get into a meaningful relationship again for a while then i guess i wont feel as bad. if he does, and i see that, i guess it'll be harder to believe he actually wasn't ready to move on -- maybe he was and it was just me after all.

 

i guess its just so strange because while i ended it, it FEELS like he did.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[paloma22]

You never once went to his place?

 

No? I’ve been many times. Just not in last few weeks before ending it. Last time was early September after a beach day. He came to me at my request I guess for last few.

[elaine567]

Maybe he got a positive result from the STI tests and couldn't have sex until he got the all clear...

[paloma22]

Had a recent thread of ending things with a short term (4 month relationship) with a separated man - decided to walk away and ended things rather abruptly following a slightly chaotic week in my life. Ended it via text. He responded rather quickly and accepted my words, wishing me well. So far its been 2 weeks NC - he still stalks my instagram stories and i generally look at his but not every time. I decided we didn't end things on poor enough terms to completely cut contact via social media and felt ide regret it in future if i deleted him. I realize this may be preventing me moving on...

 

Im seeing a therapist to talk things out monday, but found my productivity level has been of distraction since doing this. I keep doubting if i did the right thing, regretting how i ended it (impersonally over text). I do think this was not a sustainable relationship, but i really miss his consistent presence in my life, even if it still wasn't enough in terms of emotional fulfillment. He was there for me, and it was the best connection ive had in years. I also REALLY am sad I didn't sleep with him. I know, this sounds pathetic, but it's true. I maintained my values and wanted him so bad, but then i ended it before we did it! Even though he (supposedly finally) went and got tested. For awhile I was wondering if he was seeing other people - i deep down do not think he was even if it seemed our intimacy had been dwindling in our recent dates (he barely touched me). There were recent red flags of losing interest, but i also think i overexagerrated the negatives and didn't focus on positives. there is no question things weren't really progressing much, but could i blame him? and frankly, im not exactly a secure person to date. In 1 month ill be back in my home country on the other side of the world for 5 weeks, then come next July ill be gone again for several months... so why couldn't i be ok with how things were? (casual)

 

His bday is in a week and ive thought about reaching out casually via Instagram to wish him HBD. I realize this is crazy planning.

 

I never thought ending things myself (ie being the breaker upper) would be so hard. Wish I knew what he was thinking or if he missed me. Sometimes I wish i said we should remain friends...

 

Ive never reconnected with someone after ending it, but why do i keep having these thoughts? Help!

Edited November 16, 2019 by paloma22

[ExpatInItaly]

If I recall your story correctly OP, you really weren't left with much other option than definitively calling it off. He didn't view you as his girlfriend and he had been distancing himself considerably. This was coming to an end whether or not you plugged the plug when (or how) you did.

 

You probably keep having these thoughts because you didn't truly want to end it, and hoped he would "fight" for you, so to speak. But he didn't, and that understandably hurts. You are also sad about not sleeping with him because you are likely under the false impression that maybe he would have stuck around longer if you had. Maybe he would have hung on longer for sex, sure, but this wasn't developing into a relationship.

 

You need to cease all contact through social media, yes. It is keeping you stuck. Wishing him a Happy Birthday isn't going to change anything, so I would advise against it to avoid prolonging your healing.