Dating a Separated Man - should I stay? UPDATE: Ended it.

[paloma22]

I think im just trying to now come to terms with things and move on. There are a few things preventing me from this i think including:

-I don't know if he was seeing other people and never will

-I won't know if he ever properly did get tested in which case if he did, i basically set him up for other women. i didn't sleep with him which i sort of now regret bc he was so attractive.

-i didn't really keep things open or end on an OK note, i just text ended it which i sort of regret -- i actually do not hate him, and if he was actually not seeing anyone else and simply couldn't give me what i need right now, which i guess i can understand, then that makes it less difficult for me (Selfishly). -- this is similar to a guy i dated last year, he actually ghosted me in the end but his father passed away very suddenly following a trip to visit me. he actually kept seeing me but eventually ghosted. i felt so bad about the thing with his dad and i guess chalked up the eventual ghosting to delayed resentment. it actually helped me heal and forgive him more/not resent.

-would loved to have even said that who knows and maybe in a year when hes divorced and im still working in the same place - left things open for us down the road. even if its super unlikely. also makes things easier.

- i suppose the last thing is convincing myself that i am not flawed or unlovable and despite him being completely so into me at the start (i read through our old messages), it sort of died. i guess feeling like its genuinely not me, its him, and that he wont be able to have a healthy monogamous relationship until hes healed from his divorce (which cant even be filed until june if he does it at all).

 

Also thanks for the one who changed the threat to update--i guess this is now just advice on moving on. i am slowly accepting it but really take time. he was actually a large part of my life/ emotional energy for several months and now feeling the void.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[paloma22]

Why not tell this guy to contact you when his divorce is final?

 

IF it’s supposed to work he can do that - and you’ll know he’s really free when he contacts you.

 

i think its too late for that as its already ended and ive cut off contact. i do sort of wish i was in a better headspace when i ended it and said something to this matter. i do think hell move on quickly though, dont imagine he will stay single long. also, hes separated, not even filed for divorce yet.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[paloma22]

Lastly, i think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself: "foolish" and "once again betrayed" are labels you are putting on yourself that are very pervasive and permanent and will usually perpetuate these beliefs about yourself to you and how you interact with others. You deserve better than that!! Chalk it up to a one time thing, bad timing and the value is that you learned from it. Does everyone always have the perfect dating answer: no! Does everyone make mistakes: yes! Taking a high risk with someone may mean that you are more open, more hopeful, more able to see the good sides in others--concentrate on that--those are also true out of this experience. That's all it is: an experience in paloma's life. Take the good and the lessons, leave the rest behind.

 

i agree with what you are saying but our relationship wasn't even that physical.our last 3 dates - a bunch, beach date and dinner ended in some making out, initiated by me, bc i still really wanted him. and then he left. at the start he was constantly wanting me and talking about how he couldn't wait to have sex with me.

it started very physical, eventually after a few dates and going back through old texts he was actually so flirty and complimenting over text, and talking about how pretty i was and constantly wanting 'snugs' but also that he was happy to take it slow. after he admitted to the unprotected sex with several women i asked he get tested fairly early, like going back September 3rd i had a text about asking him, he basically put it off almost 2 months... which is crazy. he did eventually go - but i still dont even know if he got the testing i asked him to get bc i ended it before i asked him (he had gotten some blood results but never told me if he got the additional tests).

 

This may have been the most frustrating part of the end of this. I felt unattractive and undesired by him anymore. Yet he still drove an hour to see me in the end several times. It just didn't make sense. Perhaps he didn't want me going to his place because he was hiding something? Ill never know.

 

as mentioned in reply to expatinitaly, i think i want to keep telling myself its not me, he is not emotionally ready for something right now, and probably wont be until the divorce is final. reality is he probably will convince another poor soul to date him exclusively, and im curious if hell actually have a real relationship with her.

 

i know i should not follow him. but i also find not following or blocking results in complete lack of contact and maybe down the road i wont really mind seeing what hes up to. there's a few people ive dated (albeit not that seriously) i sill follow and keep in friendly touch with. not sure if that'll be possible for him.

 

finally, i do wish i said something to the fact of 'maybe down the line we can see once divorce processed or if the timing is good' .. just something light and open to ease the 'finite' nature of things ending. but saying that also says i care.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[paloma22]

I ask sincerely, what do you have to gain from doing this? Do you seriously think that he will change his ways, because you told him what YOU think HE needs to do? I’m very sorry to be so blunt, but who are you to say what he should or should not be doing? Have you walked a mile in his shoes - do you know what it feels like to invest yourself into a marriage only to have your wife betray your trust in the worst way a woman could hurt a man? Just because you think he should be over it and ready for another committed relationship doesn’t mean that he has dealt with the experience of being cheated on and the end of his marriage... maybe this is all a part of his process, maybe he can’t offer anything more at this time...

 

I guess my question is CAN he even have a healthy relationship with someone and be emotionally invested right now. suppose i am trying to rationalize that the answer is no and he sort of lost interest in me (so it seemed) romantically, because his heart is still with his ex wife. i guess if i think in terms of this, its HIM, not ME, it helps me not take it as personally. i guess hard to explain but goes back to my self blame and feelings of inadequecy from previous failed relationships. i know myself well i just dont tend to learn very well from my mistakes.

 

If I can honestly believe he cant get into a meaningful relationship again for a while then i guess i wont feel as bad. if he does, and i see that, i guess it'll be harder to believe he actually wasn't ready to move on -- maybe he was and it was just me after all.

 

i guess its just so strange because while i ended it, it FEELS like he did.

Edited November 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

You never once went to his place?

[paloma22]

You never once went to his place?

 

No? I’ve been many times. Just not in last few weeks before ending it. Last time was early September after a beach day. He came to me at my request I guess for last few.

[S2B]

I think you dodged a bullet with him.

 

Stay strong. Hugs

[elaine567]

Maybe he got a positive result from the STI tests and couldn't have sex until he got the all clear...

[paloma22]

Had a recent thread of ending things with a short term (4 month relationship) with a separated man - decided to walk away and ended things rather abruptly following a slightly chaotic week in my life. Ended it via text. He responded rather quickly and accepted my words, wishing me well. So far its been 2 weeks NC - he still stalks my instagram stories and i generally look at his but not every time. I decided we didn't end things on poor enough terms to completely cut contact via social media and felt ide regret it in future if i deleted him. I realize this may be preventing me moving on...

 

Im seeing a therapist to talk things out monday, but found my productivity level has been of distraction since doing this. I keep doubting if i did the right thing, regretting how i ended it (impersonally over text). I do think this was not a sustainable relationship, but i really miss his consistent presence in my life, even if it still wasn't enough in terms of emotional fulfillment. He was there for me, and it was the best connection ive had in years. I also REALLY am sad I didn't sleep with him. I know, this sounds pathetic, but it's true. I maintained my values and wanted him so bad, but then i ended it before we did it! Even though he (supposedly finally) went and got tested. For awhile I was wondering if he was seeing other people - i deep down do not think he was even if it seemed our intimacy had been dwindling in our recent dates (he barely touched me). There were recent red flags of losing interest, but i also think i overexagerrated the negatives and didn't focus on positives. there is no question things weren't really progressing much, but could i blame him? and frankly, im not exactly a secure person to date. In 1 month ill be back in my home country on the other side of the world for 5 weeks, then come next July ill be gone again for several months... so why couldn't i be ok with how things were? (casual)

 

His bday is in a week and ive thought about reaching out casually via Instagram to wish him HBD. I realize this is crazy planning.

 

I never thought ending things myself (ie being the breaker upper) would be so hard. Wish I knew what he was thinking or if he missed me. Sometimes I wish i said we should remain friends...

 

Ive never reconnected with someone after ending it, but why do i keep having these thoughts? Help!

Edited November 16, 2019 by paloma22

[ExpatInItaly]

If I recall your story correctly OP, you really weren't left with much other option than definitively calling it off. He didn't view you as his girlfriend and he had been distancing himself considerably. This was coming to an end whether or not you plugged the plug when (or how) you did.

 

You probably keep having these thoughts because you didn't truly want to end it, and hoped he would "fight" for you, so to speak. But he didn't, and that understandably hurts. You are also sad about not sleeping with him because you are likely under the false impression that maybe he would have stuck around longer if you had. Maybe he would have hung on longer for sex, sure, but this wasn't developing into a relationship.

 

You need to cease all contact through social media, yes. It is keeping you stuck. Wishing him a Happy Birthday isn't going to change anything, so I would advise against it to avoid prolonging your healing.