Awkward family situation with grandmother's ashes

[Penguin_hugs]

Hi there,

 

Just a bit of background. My nanny passed away a year ago yesterday from lung cancer. She was 76yrs old and had been completely independent until 4 months before she died when she suddenly had a lot of pain. An MRI scan showed she had stage 4 terminal lung cancer- which was a shock for all of us.

 

My dad (who lives abroad) came back to the UK to help care for my Nanny at home with his sister. They were taking it in turns for a few weeks at a time. But my dad had to go back to his country near the end so my aunt was alone with my nanny when she died.

 

I was helping periodically- I'd spend my weekends there and go a few evenings after work too. It was an exhausting and mentally draining time. I was a bit of a mess after she passed and I ended up off work about 10 months ago with burnout induced vertigo.

 

Anyway- my dad can be a bit of an odd character. He puts people down and was never close with his mother or sister. I speak with my dad periodically- but I've not seen him in nearly a year. My aunt is also a bit of an odd character. She has nothing really happening in her life- she stays at home with a BF who doesn't treat her very well and she pretty much just stays on the sofa all day. Both me and my dad have tried to encourage her with things but it always gets thrown back at us.

 

Anyway- my aunt randomly messaged me this week to say that my Nanny's ashes were going to be scattered yesterday and we would have lunch together after if I happened to be free. I went along (with only being told the day before)- and it was a bit of a weird scenario with my aunt, her partner and my great uncle. They spoke about a lot of topics that I couldn't contribute to (football, television and butchery???) And my aunt commented that I wasn't speaking much. When I did get a word in- her partner would immediately interrupt me mid sentence- so I just stopped speaking. My aunt also kept trying to make me eat more- except half the things she had prepared contained things I was allergic to... it was this bizarre situation of I'd finally be talking and everyone would interrupt me to keep trying to make me eat sandwiches!

 

Anyway- my aunt messaged me last night to apologise for all the interruptions- and then randomly added- "I've suddenly had an awful feeling I should have let your dad know about the ashes- but hey ho- too late now". I'm just in shock!! I can't believe that she didn't even mention it to dad. I thought it was odd that it was being arranged when my dad wasn't in the country- but he isn't visiting the UK this year and it made sense to do it on the anniversary.

 

But now what do I say to my dad?! I feel like I have been put in a horrible situation- and like my aunt is trying to get out of talking to him. Dad already told me this week that his sister isn't replying to messages or calls that he has made and was asking if I had spoken to her. So I feel a bit manipulated in to the situation. I don't know whether to never mention it to Dad etc or just drop it in to conversation that I was there and make out I didn't know that he wasn't informed?!

 

They have such an odd family dynamic that I try and stay out of normally. To be honest I try and avoid seeing them both because they pull me down. And I miss my Nanny more because we were close and stayed out of the odd sibling relationship. She was very strict with them as children but we always just understood each other and had a really good relationship.

[schlumpy]

No offense but the quirkiness you described within your family was like reading a script for a BBC comedy. It took me back to "To The Manor Born" and "Keeping Up Appearances." Makes you feel like you are in an alternate universe except - here you are.

 

Yes, I think you are exactly right that she is manipulating you into telling your Dad so that she can skate on this one. Your choice is to go along with the scheme or not.

 

If he asks, you could pretend that you believed your aunt had told him already and when she denies it bat your eyes and interrupt her in mid-sentence. That way you can squirm out of the trap and get some revenge at the same time.

 

I see though that you are a person of conscience so you will probably tell him just like your Aunt wants you to. The problem is how to tell him.

 

Cards are nice and almost for any occasion. Not sure if there is one to cover your specific situation but a few good poetic verses may take the sting out his absence plus when you do talk to him the moment of drama concerning the ashes is out of the way.

 

The excuse that it made sense to do it on the anniversary is pretty valid and may win him over. That would be a good track to take.

 

Getting it behind you is also a good strategy. Call him up, tell him, listen to him while he stews over it. Make your apologies and then it's done. You don't talk to him that often anyway and make sure you blame your Aunt for creating the situation in the first place.

 

If you have pictures or video share them with him so he has some connection to the event.

 

Good luck and God Bless.

[healing light]

Honestly, I would just be transparent with your dad. That you were shocked to find out the day after that she hadn't told him, how odd the encounter was with the interruptions, last minute notice, and allergen sandwiches, etc. I would just be completely transparent so it doesn't look like you're keeping secrets or plotted this with her or anything like that.