Dating someone who is only separated

[salparadise]

I have slowed down on the online dating thing lately. I'm just tired of it on many levels. Last time I had an actual date was a few months ago. I have been hanging out some with a woman on a friendly basis (not sure if she hopes it turns into more). Anyway...

 

A couple of months ago another female friend said she had someone she wanted to introduce me to, and we did meet at a wine bar (the three of us). My friend stayed awhile and excused herself so we could talk. I took woman's number and said I would call, but I have not –– yet. Then the friend texted me a few weeks later and encouraged me to call her, strongly encouraged. She's smart, educated, professional, attractive, liberal, emotionally aware and she apparently liked me (thus the follow up). Plus, it's an introduction by a trusted friend. I guess she said good things.

 

I am surprised that I am so hesitant. So what's the problem? The second problem is that she has two daughters who still live with her. One is staying at home and attending college, and the other is working but hasn't moved out. This probably means that sleepovers would be few and far between. Although I don't know what their relationship is like, I doubt that she'd be comfortable having me there or staying out all night. It just seems like it might be limited and complicated.

 

And the first problem is that she's not divorced. She has to be separated a year before she can divorce. I'd be the first relationship, and I don't want to be a starter boyfriend. My friend said not to worry about her getting back with the husband; it's over-over.

 

I may also have some residual stuff from my last breakup, which was difficult to say the least. I went all-in and got my heart broken in a not-so-kind scenario. This was more than two years ago. I'm over her, but not so much wanting to go through it again. I'm having trouble allowing myself to be vulnerable. But I keep thinking how nice it could be...

 

So what do you all think about the situational part –– her not having dated anyone else, still married technically, and with kids at home. Am I nuts for not being right on top of this, or does it look too complicated in your eyes? She's a mile or two above anyone I've met online since my previous relationship, and she lives only ten minutes away. We have quite a bit in common and she's easy to talk to. I wonder if I'm making too much of the red flags, if they're even flags at all.

Edited October 27, 2019 by salparadise

[Lotsgoingon]

You find yourself not motivated to call this woman.

 

You are clearly not eager to date and hang out with this woman.

 

There is no problem. BTW: forget about daughters and all of that, there is no chemistry in the first place ... and yes, separation is not a good time to date someone.

 

But avoid getting lost in the details. Let's imagine this woman did NOT have children living at home ... and let's imagine she has been five years divorced. You still might not find yourself wanting to approach her. That's fine. There's rationality in dating and basic gut, intuition, feeling ... You're not feeling any of the latter from what I can tell.

 

If I find myself not wanting to approach someone--doesn't matter how great the person's resume is--I accept that my brain and body are trying to tell me something.

[preraph]

I've dated separated a few times. I mean, I can't recommend it. It IS complicated and they're still seeing the ex, and with kids, always will be. And if kids aren't your cup of tea, might just not be in the cards to get a gf with kids, if you can find one without them.

[Trail Blazer]

Is it really about being separated? Or are there other issues, like a partially-mended broken heart which you're still preserving? If you like her, go for it and take it slowly. Don't invest too much too soon. Play it cool and see how things go.

[Gretchen12]

Take a long term approach to this. I gather neither of you is very young. She has grown kids, the divorce will happen in time. You have to snap out of the online dating instantaneous pace. Real life simply unfolds at its own pace.

 

I throw this out as a possibility: could you be reluctant to date her because this is real? It's not online "play". You are connected socially through a friend, this is close to home. You're not meeting a stranger on the other side of town that you can cut off anytime. There are expectations of you and maybe you're not ready.

 

My advice would be to be on a friendly basis but keep your distance. She and her daughters need to go through the actual divorce and let it sink in. And you have residual stuff from your last break up. So it's not a good time to start something real. A year later, this could turn out to be a very good relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you're reading too much into it and looking for reasons not to connect with her.

 

That's not to say that her situation may indeed be very complicated but you don't know that for sure. You're just assuming as much right now. That's not very fair to her or to you for that matter.

 

If she's already a mile or two above what you've been dating, recommended by a trusted friend and you have so much in common and going for you, why not just ask for a date and see how it goes?

 

It's not a marriage proposal for heaven's sake - just a date!

 

You won't know anything unless you try.

 

We've all been there where we've been heartbroken but if you genuinely want to find someone to stand still with, you will need to risk.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 28, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle

[mark clemson]

As you know I'm not dating, but yes, I'd say there's significant baggage here. It would take surmounting/getting past which your not up for. You'd need to be her emotional sounding board during the actual divorce proceedings, which is something you may not wish to put yourself through.

 

Think many people in the Infidelity/OM/OW sections would point out that her still being married is often a red flag (possibly not correctly in this specific case).

[carhill]

It's dating, not a marriage proposal. If you find her attractive, that's a start, go on a date and see what happens. If she lives in a new domicile with her apparently adult children, that's OK. I know people my age who have adult children living with them Go out, socialize and keep expectations focused on fun. If she likes you and wants to date you, have sex with you, etc, her daughters are proof positive she knows how do do that. Go with the flow. If things don't work out, that's OK. Most of the time in life they don't. People leave or die. Part of the the deal.

[Els]

I personally wouldn't do it - either one of those circumstances would be a dealbreaker, let alone both combined.

 

 

 

Why does she need to be separated for a year before divorcing? Is that the law in your jurisdiction?

[carhill]

Depends on jurisdiction. I've seen some members from the UK who've mentioned it. Some states in the US are like that. In my prior state of residence where I got divorced, CA, there was a 'cooling off' period where, after the D was filed, it couldn't complete, even if everything was ready to go, for at least six months. By the time our divorce was complete my exW already had a new guy living in the house she got in the divorce. He'd been there since a few months after we filed. The M was over, she was living on her own and had no problem hooking up another guy. AFAIK, they're still together nearly ten years later. OP could be that guy. Or not. Relationships are like that. How they start may not matter in the end.

[central]

Unless you don't like her that much, or have other prospects potentially as good, what harm does it do to date her and see how it goes?

 

I dated separated women with no problems. Heck, I was separated myself, and plenty of women gave me a chance. A few dates should make it clear how this could play out - or not. Also, sleepovers don't need to be a problem - it wasn't for me or the women I dated with kids. It just took a little while before we'd introduce our kids to each other (when it seemed there might be a future). Besides, the other parent should have the kids sometimes, so they won't always be around.

[salparadise]

Thank you all! You've offered good insights.

 

I throw this out as a possibility: could you be reluctant to date her because this is real? It's not online "play". You are connected socially through a friend, this is close to home. You're not meeting a stranger on the other side of town that you can cut off anytime. There are expectations of you and maybe you're not ready.

 

I've thought about this ^ and there may be an element of truth to it. Also because I know that she's interested. Yes, it feels different than meeting an anonymous person on a dating site (which I am tired of now).

 

I think I should ask her out and just see how it goes, while trying not to have a lot of expectation. It does require taking some risk, but such is life. I may regret it more if I don't take this risk.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts everyone.

[carhill]

When I was young wedding invitation lists would often be manipulated by friends to bring single friends together in a romantic and festive occasion that weddings usually are. Often new marriages sprung of such informal matchmaking. Friends like to see their friends happy, usually. Perhaps that has gone out of style, IDK. Most of my friends were married and had kids by the time they were 20. I got invited to a lot of weddings

[chillii]

No way l'd touch it , way too soon. And not only , her and her ex will still be figuring all this out , the kids will be still figuring it all out and coming to terms with it , too much too soon.

And she's lonely and desperate for some company, and cuddles and won't know if she's ready and blah blah blah most likely. You'll be her experiment. Eff that.

[Blind-Sided]

I think you're reading too much into it and looking for reasons not to connect with her.

 

................ recommended by a trusted friend and you have so much in common and going for you, why not just ask for a date and see how it goes?

 

It's not a marriage proposal for heaven's sake - just a date!

 

You won't know anything unless you try.

 

.......

 

Good luck.

 

I agree with this. I think you are letting the peripheral stuff get in the way, and influence what could be. It sounds like the kids are older or even adult. and while you do want to consider them... it shouldn't be an influence point.

 

 

On the other point of the recommendation is coming from a friend... that should be HUGE !! Right now, since my divorce has been finalized, I have a few friends trying to set me up. Several have said... "I have a couple people I know, but they have issues, and I don't want to do that to you." (but if I wanted to fool around, they would set me up) But there is one friend who has said... "I have known her for a long time, and trust her completely." This person is someone who I may not have given a second look at in public, but I am honestly excited to meet her since my friend recommends her so highly. I have found, that later in life, honesty and a good personality out weighs everything else. Not to mention, people dating as adults will generally have some baggage that will have to be dealt with. (Kids, ex, so on)

 

Go on a date, and see what happens. if nothing else, you get a nice night out.

Edited October 29, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[primer]

Personally, I would not touch someone that is only "separated". Let her get her affairs in order first.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I know I wasn't ready to date when I was newly separated. I thought I was, and I ended up in another relationship that wasn't really good for me just because it was so much better than what I had with my ex-husband.

 

Zero danger of me getting back with my ex, but I ended up dumping the guy after 2+ years while he was ostensibly in the middle of shifting his entire life around to move across the country to start a life together. Some of my friends/family have said they think he was just playing me anyway - but there's no real evidence of that, and so I've always felt pretty crummy about it.

 

I think you're right to be wary/cautious. It's often easy to get attached when you're fresh out of a relationship, especially a bad one, but not so easy to make good decisions sometimes about who to get attached to.

[salparadise]

Zero danger of me getting back with my ex, but I ended up dumping the guy after 2+ years while he was ostensibly in the middle of shifting his entire life around to move across the country to start a life together.

 

^ This is definitely a concern for me. I just don't want to waste my precious time and emotion on someone who is going to need a reset in a year or two, a few months or whatever. I *might* enjoy a casual thing if I knew that's all it was, but after the last one I'm skeptical and cautious. I don't want to be anyone's starter romance only to have it implode after I'm assured it's real and go all-in. Problem is we just don't know what may be unless we go for it.

[S2B]

Call her and let her know you’re interested in dating her when her divorce is final.

 

That’s a boundary that guards you getting hurt big time.

 

Give her your number and let her know you feel people should actually be single when they date.

[introverted1]

I've been "only separated" for 7 years, for reasons I won't bore you with. Bottom line is that we have a legal (signed and notarised) separation agreement, there is no way we will reconcile, and no one I've dated has cared.

 

 

Bottom line is that if people are going to get back together they will do so regardless of marital status. And if they are done, they are done, also regardless of marital status.

[carhill]

Bottom line is that if people are going to get back together they will do so regardless of marital status. And if they are done, they are done, also regardless of marital status.

 

 

That was my largest obstacle to success as a young man, paying too much attention to the 'married' part rather than focusing on the rest of the stuff. Too much 'by the rules', 'do everything right', 'what would God think'. People unburdened by such straightjackets enjoyed not only fun times, they often ended up life partners with the people they met not playing by the rules. And yup, there are no guarantees, even many years later, formerly married people can break up with/divorce their partners/spouses and get back together and not a single human on the planet can stop them without killing them. That's reality. Relationships/marriages do not come with guarantees except one; they end. The gift is the journey.

[preraph]

Just know that separated couples almost always get back together, taking that last shot at it, or sleep with each other at least. And the time they tend to do this is when they're sorting out personal belongings. They get real sentimental and end up in bed or reunited for some time. And the worst is they think you have no right to object to this because it's so much more important and their priority. So they think you should just stand down and wait and see.

 

The other thing I found very irritating is no matter how long they've been separated, they will STILL spend their birthday or holiday with the nearly ex -- and these were guys with no kids. That chilled me to the bone. He said, Oh, well, we've just always done something on my birthday. Yeah. HELLO.

 

The ex will still show up where he is at work or in public, sometimes well after they're divorced. The ex will be invited to parties he throws.

 

One of the separated ones was in a local band. She would show up and stand down front of him and dip it.

 

The other guy's ex would come to parties, would come visit him at work (where I ended up in the same office after we weren't together any longer). They'd stare out the window together. One time it was about her getting off his insurance as a beneficiary. Then after she left he turned to me and said, "Who am I going to put as my beneficiary, you?" We'd not been dating for six months (painful, the whole thing, for me). I mean, it's just all this sad residual sentimentality you are part of and witness.

 

There's got to be an easier way to date.

[chillii]

^ This is definitely a concern for me. I just don't want to waste my precious time and emotion on someone who is going to need a reset in a year or two, a few months or whatever. I *might* enjoy a casual thing if I knew that's all it was, but after the last one I'm skeptical and cautious. I don't want to be anyone's starter romance only to have it implode after I'm assured it's real and go all-in. Problem is we just don't know what may be unless we go for it.

 

 

 

 

Yep , this was the biggest thing to me. Back when l met heaps of women fresh out of marriages that didn't have a damn clue what they were doing. Told some of them too they weren't ready and things l could see about them. 1 text me 12mths later thanking me.

Kitties thing was the exact scenario l could see coming for them and any poor sod that took them seriously.

l really just wouldn't trust it if it's the sort of thing where feeling are going to grow for her because she'll have no clue who she is right now.

Maybe you could take a year out from each other and see where she's at later on.

[Mysterio]

This is my life at the moment. I don't think I would date a Separated woman with two kids. I think that once your separated. One should just go straight to divorce. There is no point in prolonging separation.

 

Here is who I am going to Date and make an effort with to explore a long term relationship with.

 

Single/Widowed/Divorced and no kids. If she has kids then they are 18 and above.

 

If she has kids and is separated and wants to explore a romantic relationship with me. I guess she can do the leg work to charm me, but I am not living with her or having kids with her and the commitment will be shakey at best.

 

I want to ask my friend's GF-CH. If DT said no meeting her big kids until they have been a couple for 4 to 6 months. No making shared Bio- kids/living together until she gets legally divorced. What would she do with that?

[Kitty Tantrum]

^ This is definitely a concern for me. I just don't want to waste my precious time and emotion on someone who is going to need a reset in a year or two, a few months or whatever. I *might* enjoy a casual thing if I knew that's all it was, but after the last one I'm skeptical and cautious. I don't want to be anyone's starter romance only to have it implode after I'm assured it's real and go all-in. Problem is we just don't know what may be unless we go for it.

 

"Reset" is definitely a good way of putting it. And it wasn't even that I lost feelings for the guy or anything - a really big part of it was the growing sense that HE wasn't as into ME as I became more myself again, and less the person that my marriage had conditioned me to be.

 

The specifics of my "situation" were probably as far from typical as it gets... exH kinda dragged me down the road to having an open marriage, and the guy I dated after that had a big fetish for me sleeping with other guys, but the further I got from that marriage the more I realized I actually kinda hated that and didn't want to be with anyone else... but our relationship was basically founded on how much he liked that I'd do that for him. My exH had basically done a bait-and-switch on me in the other direction (promised monogamy and then went off the deep end with the "enlightenment ideals"), and I didn't want to do the same thing to someone else in ANY direction, but I knew if I stayed with him I'd end up functionally monogamous in pretty short order, was already well on my way, and I didn't want to be resented for that the way I resented my exH... I never even talked to him about it, just got spooked and ran away, basically. He had the major hots for who I'd become under he influence of my exH, and that wasn't who I wanted to be.

 

... but I think the principle at play is REALLY common. People leave relationships not just because they don't like their partner, but because they don't like WHO THEY ARE when they're with that partner. But for a while after they leave, no matter how done-and-over it is, they're still THAT PERSON. It takes time to get back to who you were, or to build someone new that you can be at peace with.

 

So it can go either way, really. You could waste a bunch of time on someone who ultimately decides she needs to go a different direction, or you could waste a bunch of time on someone who, in spite of still WANTING to be with you, isn't at all the same person you fell for. Or somewhere in between. And it's almost guaranteed to be messy enough emotionally that you might not even know which it was until you've got the benefit of hindsight.

 

Someone who has been separated for YEARS and just hasn't completed the divorce process for some logistical/financial reason is more likely to be in a better place to form a new partnership even with the administrative loose ends that need to be tied up, but no matter how "over" the marriage is, no matter that it's just an obligatory waiting period and they're itching to finalize the divorce, it's a total crap shoot if they're not even a year out yet.