Dating someone who is only separated

[vla1120]

I don't think there is any harm in the two of you spending some time together. You can take it slow, starting out as friends. You can even express your concerns to her - that you would like to take it slow and not really progress until she is divorced.

 

Also, it is quite possible that her two daughters are independent and, while she is providing a roof over their heads, they do not rely on her for much more, leaving her free to spend her time elsewhere.

 

While it won't hurt to explore the situation further, if you do not, you may wonder what might have transpired if you had, in fact.

[SumGuy]

Just know that separated couples almost always get back together, taking that last shot at it, or sleep with each other at least...

Do you have something more than personal anecdotes for that? My experience have never seen a couple that filed for divorce ever get back together. In a good number there is such animosity they have a hard time being in the same room. Maybe because in all the cases I know they tried before and almost always one person was just toxic.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I said pretty much everything my ex wanted to hear about still being friends and maybe still bangin' as long as I was single, just to keep him from being overly volatile as I was in the process of leaving... but LOL I wanted nothing to do with him from the day I left, even though it took three years to finalize the divorce and he begged me several times to try to fix things again. He's icky, in so many ways. I save every ounce of my civility to be really really lenient and flexible with him about child support and the kids' visitation schedule, and I'm nice when I end up seeing him while transferring kids, but if he so much as just tries to talk to me socially, I shut it down. Nope nope nope. He tried to call me shortly after his mother died... still nope.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've always been completely turned off by the idea of dating a separated guy. He's legally still married and bound to another woman. I've also learned not to date anyone who's been officially, legally, on paper divorced for less than a year, as it takes times for the finality of such a thing to sink in. There are millions of single/divorced people out there. I see zero reason to get involved with one who's still officially married.

[carhill]

I've also learned not to date anyone who's been officially, legally, on paper divorced for less than a year, as it takes times for the finality of such a thing to sink in.

From a teenager till mid-30's I thought a lot like this. I waited patiently for time to pass, for things to 'work out', to 'settle down'.

There are millions of single/divorced people out there. I see zero reason to get involved with one who's still officially married.

During that period, I don't recall ever meeting an unmarried/divorced/unattached woman. I think one old high school gal I used to meet regularly for lunch might have been unmarried but she seemed coupled up. I was a customer at the bank she managed so we'd pop across the street to another classmate's pizza parlor for lunch. More friend stuff. Had a female best friend during that time who had a long-term boyfriend. She married him about the same time I married my wife many years later.

 

I thought of another anecdote besides my exW....her best female friend got divorced about the same time we did and both she and her H had new partners and she was living with hers long before the divorce was final. Neither a spring chicken, married 20+ years, very religious seventh day, 18yo son. She lived with her new partner for a few years until she unfortunately died. That brings up another thing, how life can be fleeting and can end suddenly. Wait around to follow rules and one could be dead in the interim. When I come to die I doubt I'll die any better for being a rule follower. I'll just be dead. No one else cares and I doubt all the rules I followed in life will be on my mind.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess it depends upon your location. I've found enough single/divorced men out there not to mess with separated.

 

As for rules, for me it's really my own code. I'd feel a strong ethical, moral, and common sense objection to getting physical with a man who was still married by law to another woman. I'd rather feel... pure in spirit alone, than tainted or compromised yet coupled. I know, I'm weird

[carhill]

I was solidly like that for decades during the prime of my life and it now is one of my biggest regrets as I watch those I know personally who didn't give a fck about rules sail into the sunset enjoying their lives on their terms, not mine. They're smart. Selfish, but smart. I now wish I'd been smarter like that. Like you said, millions out there. Insignificant. What does it matter what they think, feel or live or die? Harsh lesson.

 

 

It was telling that I had to range out one to two hours away, minimum, to find any single ladies. Even then, it was tough. My exW was dating a number of guys when we met, no doubt having sex with a some of them. That's just how it was. When she decided it was time to replace me, there was no shortage of guys who jumped right in and she picked one moved him in and went on with her life. That's reality. Harsh, but real. Good life lessons.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hmmm, well, my concern isn't so much about "rules," more regarding how I feel about it.

 

To an extent, I understand what you're saying. I sometimes think if I had understood and "played the game" better 20 years ago, I'd be financially set as a married woman or divorcee with a nice settlement by now.

 

But I didn't do that because I was being true to myself and others.

 

Maybe in my golden years if I'm still alone I'll regret it more. But right now I'm working to set myself up financially so at least that will be squared away.

 

I hope you're able to find a good partner if that's what you want.

[salparadise]

[Update]

Well, we went on a date last night, and it was really nice. I had procrastinated and procrastinated calling her, but our mutual friend kept prompting me and reassuring me about what a wonderful person she is. Our mutual friend had a small new year's eve gathering and invited us both, and we talked and smiled a lot. I could tell she was interested and making an effort, so I called next day and made a date for last night. We went to a nice restaurant about a half hour away, so we had a good amount of time to talk. She offered to split and I declined (which I'm sure must be hilarious for those who've read my posts on paying for dates). 

As i said before, she's a quality person through and through. Our mutual friend (PhD psychologist, and quite intuitive) knows a huge number of people and she could have set her up with any number of men, but she felt we are a match and for something like six months now she's been trying. So this feels much different than a typical first date with someone I'd meet online (i.e. zero investment). I told her as I walked her to the door that I'd like to go out again and she said that she did too.

So this feels really good, and it's a lot more substantive than my horny-ass libido... she's quite attractive, but that's only one many positives, and not the first motivation. In fact, this is the first woman I've actually been interested in since my last relationship ended three years ago. 

Interesting occurrence with her kids... I had wondered how she was going to handle that part, whether she would want to keep it on the down low. Her eldest daughter answered the door, and then the other two came and introduced themselves, so gracious and poised. So it's all out in the open from the first moment.

Looks like this is real and has potential. I'm trying not to count my chickens, so to speak, but can't help but to be optimistic.  

Edited January 4, 2020 by salparadise

[OpenBook]

👏👏 Very nice!! Refreshing to read some positive news here on this board. Dating should be delightful, not full of sturm und drang like it so often is. I sometimes think we (collectively, including myself!) are our own worst enemies.

[carhill]

My adage, just keep showing up until someone says no. That could be tomorrow, could be decades from now. No one can possibly know for sure. Like I opined prior (I think) the journey is the gift.

[preraph]

That sounds very promising. I guess she let you meet the kids since her friend had known you for a while. Normally that is just not done, although it depends on their ages but if they're still in the house they're usually younger. Hope it all works out.

[salparadise]

This is turning out to be more complicated than I ever imagined. I've seen her a few more times, but just for coffee or lunch, no real date-date type of things. The reason is that she's going through a really tough time with her youngest daughter. Mental illness, emergency room, hospitalization kind of serious. I now understand that is why our mutual friend thought we'd be a fit (I have experience/understanding of it). I've been patient and just getting a scrap of time once a week when she's able. I'm sure she must be worn out, physically and emotionally, with all she's been dealing with (and working too). But we seemed to be getting along really well, opening up, both investing, slowly, happily.

So... I texted and asked if she'd be interested in getting dinner to tonight. Slow response (she was working) but she tells me that she's going to have a quiet evening at home with her other daughter tonight, and updates me on the younger daughter's situation. Now I'm confused. Maybe she really needed some downtime, or maybe she isn't interested anymore. She didn't ask about an alternative. I don't know what to think! I hate to ask explicitly, don't want to assume the worst.

I made dinner reservations for V-Day next Friday and I was going to ask her to that tonight. I haven't responded to her text, and she's not one to initiate, so waiting isn't likely to resolve anything. I need to know what she's thinking... she shouldn't leave me wondering.

[chillii]

That's very understandable , they'd both be going through a lot with the other daughter and it would be effecting the older one too so she's just taking this time to spend with her which sounds like she hasn't had time to do yet.

She might be having doubts too about whether she can deal with more right now but l say hang in there be patient , see how things pan out over the next week or two for now.

Edited February 8, 2020 by chillii

[Art_Critic]

She doesn't know you are wondering since she is in the thick of it right now, you said she must feel exhausted.. she probably is.

She didn't technically blow you off, but she might have put you at arms reach right now since she may feel she can't pull herself together enough to put her best foot forward. I would talk to her tomorrow or this weekend and go from there, maybe you could get together for a lunch on Sunday and you could ask her to dinner like you planned, although I would not mention VD as that might feel like pressure.. I think if she feels pressured she might chose to push you away as she is overwhelmed right now..

 

 

 

[alphamale]

^^this

[S2B]

Just text her and let her know when her divorce is finalized you would be interested in taking her out.

do not date a separated gal. There’s a newer thread here where a gal was dating a separated man and very seriously involved with him and he went back to his wife very abruptly.

its not worth it unless they are definitely divorced.

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, Art_Critic said:

he didn't technically blow you off, but she might have put you at arms reach

Maybe not technically, but it sure does feel like she said that she'd rather stay home and do nothing than to spend a couple of hours with me. The last time we saw each other was a week ago (lunch), and she didn't propose another time this weekend. It changes the tenor of it all.  I'm certainly not going to ask again for this weekend... and like I said, next Friday is V-day and I don't know whether to ask or not––doesn't feel right. She killed the atmosphere. I think the ball is in her court.

The other thing is, this is probably the way it would be trying to have a relationship. She can't get away from it. The child is 16 and this is a serious, chronic issue. She can't be left home alone, it defines her life. I don't want to be selfish but 2-3 hours a week isn't asking a lot. If that's more than she can manage, where does that leave me? I was thinking that I'd be willing to make the compromise because she's such a sweetheart and this is not a choice for her... but if her enthusiasm is low, which I think is the message I just received, well, probably ought to just cancel that dinner reservation and return to zero expectations.

[Fletch Lives]

Quote

 

This is turning out to be more complicated than I ever imagined. I've seen her a few more times, but just for coffee or lunch, no real date-date type of things. The reason is that she's going through a really tough time with her youngest daughter. Mental illness, emergency room, hospitalization kind of serious. I now understand that is why our mutual friend thought we'd be a fit (I have experience/understanding of it). I've been patient and just getting a scrap of time once a week when she's able. I'm sure she must be worn out, physically and emotionally, with all she's been dealing with (and working too).

The child is 16 and this is a serious, chronic issue. She can't be left home alone, it defines her life.

 

 - okay, she has a dependent child with issues. It's a sad thing to say but some people have problems that are just too big for them to be a catch. If you can't have a date a week, it's probably not going to get better, and not go very far. I'm so sorry to hear this.

[chillii]

 

lt's only one week and look at what she's had to deal with this week , l can't figure out what's so hard to understand her needing to stay home and put herself and kids first right now. Even if it was without  her kids problems right now anyway it'll probably still take her 6mths yet to work out how to fit you into all this.

So yeah , your probably only gonna be very very part time for a fair while yet

Edited February 8, 2020 by chillii

[elaine567]

Her "problems"sound fairly major, chronic and are likely going nowhere fast.
This is not "My kid has had a bad accident, and I need to be around her all the time for the next few months"
No, this is long term management of a mentally ill child, who is I guess atm is a suicide or a self harm risk...
Formal dating is likely the last thing on this woman's mind.
Stick around, be a good friend, something may develop, especially if you are very compatible otherwise, but if you are looking for fireworks...I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

Has the separation of her parents contributed to or triggered the child's illness?

[Marc878]

On 10/29/2019 at 11:32 AM, primer said:

Personally, I would not touch someone that is only "separated". Let her get her affairs in order first.

This is ripe ground for a rebound relationship. Beware!!!!!

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Has the separation of her parents contributed to or triggered the child's illness?

It's hard to say whether it has contributed, but it's definitely not the primary cause. The disorder predates the separation by a few years. It has gotten worse over the past year though. My guess is that this is mostly biological. The other two daughters are seemingly healthy and well adjusted.

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

lt's only one week and look at what she's had to deal with this week , l can't figure out what's so hard to understand her needing to stay home and put herself and kids first right now.

Yes, I realize this. If anyone else had said that I'd take it as a declaration of no interest and be done. It's been more like 3 weeks or a month.

Edited February 8, 2020 by salparadise

[elaine567]

If the child is ill, has the father reentered the picture perhaps?
That may be a reason she is maybe stepping back.
Not that she may want to get back with  him necessarily but so as not to complicate the situation...