Dating someone who is only separated

[vla1120]

13 hours ago, salparadise said:

She initiated contact the following weekend after I had concluded she probably wasn't interested. We went out again a few days ago and enjoyed each other's company. I don't know if it's headed anywhere. It just is what it is. 

...and that is probably the best way to handle the situation - just take things day by day and see where it leads you. Best of luck to both of you. I hope her daughter is able to find peace living in her own skin.

[Mysterio]

I am in a situtaion where I am dating a Separated woman with 3 sons that she has Thurs-Sunday.  We have hit a bump in the road.  Now when I was getting to know her.  She did not state that she was separated.  I found out by talking to her.  Had I known that she was separated.  I would have been  a bit more chill.  She wants a full time relationship.  Yet she is on year 6 of her separation.  Money is the issue.  I don't understand why her Ex hubby 2 can't come to a meeting of the minds.  The ex hubby has a kid with his new lady of 6 yrs.   

I don't get why both men and women who are separated can't just at least wait one yr to date.  At least get the paperwork settled.  This way a new love can't use it against you.  

[salparadise]

Update, kind of long:  It's been three months since I last posted to this thread, and a lot has happened. This seems like one of those scenarios where fact is indeed stranger than fiction. As if the suicidal daughter wasn't enough...

Shortly after I last posted, I texted to ask how she was doing and she replied "not so well." She had had another fainting episode (about the third in a month) and she had been admitted to the hospital. She was scheduled for open heart surgery the next day for replacement of the aortic valve. I dropped everything and went to visit, brought flowers, etc. She had the surgery, no complications. We started walking together during her home recovery and had more opportunity to talk and get to know each other. She is fully recovered from surgery now and we have been walking regularly.

About a week after she was released from the hospital the youngest daughter attempted suicide again, and this time it was more serious. She broke into the lock box and swallowed a month's supply of a few different types of serious meds, spent about a week in ICU, then transferred to a psych unit for a couple of weeks. She is now in a residential treatment facility where she will remain for at least several months. No visitation is allowed due to COVID. This is the first respite the mother has had, but still she worries and has a lot to manage, of course.

Now we have the COVID 19 situation and social distancing, the start of which overlapped the recovery period after surgery, and the daughter's recent attempt. We have continued to walking, maintaining distance. We haven't entered each other's houses as part of the precautions. She takes the distancing seriously. She is also furloughed from her job. So, she has the daughter in a safe place, and time on her hands, but the social distancing has kept things, well, distant. This brings us up to the present.

We walked and talked two days ago. I had been feeling the need to have a talk about where we are now and where we are headed, so I broached the subject gently. I said that the distancing makes it hard to say certain things, and to progress a relationship with any real intimacy (emotional, communication). "It's difficult to say how one feels when touching isn't allowed, and from several feet away... but I need to tell you that I have come to care about you a lot, and am feeling quite invested." I went on to say that the virus isn't going away anytime soon, and all the circumstances have kept us from progressing normally, which is frustrating... were it not for the unusual circumstances we'd either have grown very close at this point, or not, but there wouldn't be this crazy ambiguity. So now it's her turn. She expresses great appreciation for the support and diligence and agrees about all of the obvious stuff. But then she drops the bomb –– she has come to regard me as a very close friend, and although she was highly enthusiastic at first, she doesn't think she's ready for a romantic relationship and has a lot of work to do before she would be able to give me the relationship I deserve. In other words, friendzoned due to inability to progress to a physical relationship while the window of opportunity was wide open. The conversation was more complex, but this is a summary from my perspective.

So, as we were arriving back at her house at the end of the walk, I told her that I could not be her friend because of the way I feel... and therefore I am going to have to separate to take care of myself. Tears were welling up in both of our eyes as we said goodbye. I told her that I am going to miss her terribly, but there's no other way. I went home hurting like I'd been dumped, even though we never progressed beyond kind words and shoulder hugs (pre virus), and started trying to put it all in the rearview perspective.

Then a few hours later I she sends me a text –– she is "conflicted and regretful" about the conversation, and proposes that she come to my place (she has never been here), break the distancing precautions, and try to determine if this has potential. iow, to see if we can recover from things having been so constrained and out of order due to the circumstances. She says she's still waffling but feels we need to figure this out. I don't know for sure what she has in mind, but I said yes... damn life is crazy sometimes.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update, up to you on how much care to assign here. Sounds to me that things are out of order and the lady clearly communicated to you that she considers you a friend and nothing more. If she's in her real mind, generally no woman says such words to a man she values and is attracted to for fear of immediately losing him to a woman who does find him attractive and wants to have romance and sex with him.

IMO, unless she jumps you at the meeting, don't draw it out, don't linger, move on. Don't let her talk you to death. Women do that. Good luck!

[Shining One]

13 minutes ago, carhill said:

IMO, unless she jumps you at the meeting, don't draw it out, don't linger, move on. Don't let her talk you to death. Women do that. Good luck!

This really resonated with me. I've been through the dance before, several times: She says we're friends, I say goodbye, she says hold on... maybe there's a chance. I admit I was dumb enough to fall for it a few times. I wish someone had given me the advice in bold when I was younger.

[salparadise]

Yes, I hear you, and I agree mostly. I don't think she expected the response I gave her. I think she expected to keep on being close, confiding in each other, and for me to keep pursuing. Women love to be lavished with attention, to have a dedicated man (a sure thing) on the string without having to open themselves to vulnerability and take the risk.

She's been through a lot, and it's understandable that she's having a hard time figuring out where she is and what she wants exactly. The fact that she had regrets within a few hours after I said I was going to disappear says that there is more there than just friendship... but on the other hand, once I hear those words I can't unhear them, and the fact is it's not balanced.

So the question is what does she intend to do when we meet. I think she intends for us to try being physical, but I don't know if she is thinking that we're going to go all the way. Maybe it depends on how it feels in the moment. Or maybe she feels guilty and thinks she owes me a good shagging for my patience and dedication. Needless to say, my anxiety is a bit high at the moment. It's just not like jumping into bed with someone from online. I would never have thought I could feel so invested in something without it being reciprocal.

Now I am half expecting her to change her mind again to call off the meetup. But she texted me a few minutes ago and seems like she's still on track. But yea, unless the meeting changes things significantly I will need to let her go, and I am prepared to do that.

Edited May 11, 2020 by salparadise

[carhill]

I had to check as my old brain is a bit fuzzy, it appears OP met this person last summer, so nearly a year ago, and started a discussion on the interaction a couple months later, in October.

OP, here's something I've learned from women, single women, divorcing women, separated women, married women..... and yeah, I've had the gamut..... they like that a man desires them. That isn't sinister, it's human. They like the interest, the care, the attention. Bonus if the man is somewhat attractive though not of sufficient caliber to stir their reproductive parts. It's easy, and pleasant, to enjoy the attention, especially if most of the men they encounter don't give them attention or expect and pursue sex as payment for the attention. When you find a woman hanging on like that and not pursuing anything further, especially for months, IME it's not about you, it's about how she feels and how you feed that and it's convenient to feed from a familiar plate rather than deal with the unknowns of other men. However, once you are replaced it'll be like she never knew you because, in reality, she never did. She knew your attention and care. Your humanity was separate and not a factor. It's not extraordinary, rather human, and we hear similar complaints from women all the time that men use them for sex but don't really care about them at all. Different formula, same lack of care, gender neutral.

[Timshel]

She is most certainly in a vulnerable place, from an objective point of view.  Her daughter, who usually consumes her emotional bank is currently cared for/for the indefinite future, good. (likely histrionic, sure you thought of that)  She also is currently without the distraction of work.

She was perfectly fine to continue the status quo as it were until you, for a remarked short period of time removed that possibility.  I wouldn't take throwing herself at you to mean too much.  She has a void to fill and you are steadfast and comfortable.  I am not suggesting that you shouldn't meet her, only that you are prudent, guard your heart.  

[salparadise]

I appreciate the well considered insights.

As is evident if you're familiar with my advice given to others, I am definitely a proponent of recognizing patterns in human behavior. But I am also quick to discount those that generalize too much and conclude that xyz is inevitable. The circumstances here are very unusual, and there was a time, in the beginning, when she was hot for me, or who she thought I was. She was prompting our mutual friend to get us together, and it was pretty evident at the New Year's party. So I do not think this to be a situation where she's simply not attracted and never was. If that were the case we wouldn't have gotten together in the first place. I was resistant because she was too recently separated. They were persistent over six months. I asked her out when she had been separated a year, and the divorce almost final, which it now is (rendering the title of this thread obsolete).

While I remain guarded and take nothing for granted, I am also not thinking it's destined to fail. Anything is possible regardless of what the probabilities may seem to be. I think she values me as a friend, companion, and confidant...  if there are fireworks when we get physical it could turn on a dime.

You hear women whining all the time about men not being willing to wait, wanting to be friends first, and all of that... well, I've waited. I don't think she's had sex in two years, and then only with one man in 25 years (although I don't know that for certain), so there is the possibility of it catching fire all of a sudden. No way to know but to let things unfold as they will.

Edited May 11, 2020 by salparadise

[Timshel]

44 minutes ago, salparadise said:

No way to know but to let things unfold as they will.

Agree.  You went through a heck of a time with your last relationship, if I may, there was a disconnect in authenticity.  She has done a 180 in short order, don't let that go over your head, lol.

Optimism and best, keep us posted.

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Timshel said:

Agree.  You went through a heck of a time with your last relationship, if I may, there was a disconnect in authenticity.  She has done a 180 in short order, don't let that go over your head, lol.

Optimism and best, keep us posted.

Yes, I sure did. I appreciate that you remember- it's been 3+ years. In the previous one there was a disconnect in authenticity, which is easy to see in hindsight. But this one doesn't seem like that at all. She's spontaneous and forthcoming in how she speaks, and doesn't hold back. The previous one was calculating in what she revealed, even in casual conversation. 

She sure is making the effort today. She has initiated texting twice, and not just one or two msgs... ongoing. Interesting how the dynamics work. I show her that I'm willing to walk away, and...

[salparadise]

Well, it's done. We had a wonderful evening together, then we talked next morning and she affirmed that we aren't on the same page. It's sad but I'll give her credit for being honest and caring, a woman of high integrity, and it has been a pleasure knowing her. 

[carhill]

Don't fret OP, I've seen similar even after sex and months of ILY's; one of the vagaries of dating a married/separated woman. That your encounter went on for nearly a year is lengthy IME but not unheard of. Back when I was young and dumb a few strung me along for years like that. Masterful. We want to believe. They're soft and squishy. Yup. Oh, well, onward 👍