doh Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 So I've decided I need a divorce. Horribly complicated situation, we haven't made any progress in counselling, somehow things seem to have gotten worse. I've decided I need to push through for both our sakes. This situation is not fair on either of us. We have a 10 year old. I'm concerned that after I tell my wife she may tell our son that it's my fault, that I'm breaking up our family, that I caused this because I don't want to be with them. I really hope she doesn't, but that's her typical MO. When I told her I needed to go no contact for a while the first thing she did was book an expensive holiday for herself and my son, and when he asked about me she told him that I wasn't going because I didn't want to go with them. I think he's clever enough to see what's going on, first thing he did when he came to me to stay was ask why I wasn't going, and so told me what my wife had said. I explained that that wasn't the case at all, and that her and I were still having problems, and I didn't even know she was booking a holiday- but it probably wouldn't be the best idea for me to go anyway. What's the best way to handle the fallout from actually filing for divorce? Any advice appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 The two of you should sit down and tell the child together. That is the best way so you each can assure the child it isn't their fault. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Kids are selfish and are really only concerned with how their lives and routines will be changed, and what will stay the same. Talk to him together and be prepared to be specific about what will change and what will stay the same. If your wife tries to blame it all on you, just consistently show, with your actions, the love and support your son can expect from you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 28, 2019 Author Share Posted October 28, 2019 Yeah thanks, This is kind of what I was thinking anyway. Still tough to think about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 If any judge finds out that either party bad-mouthed the other to the child, they will be on the judge's bad side. It's one of the things most frowned upon. So stop talking about that. You're not to involve kids in divorce or the whys of it. You're to keep it simple and let the child know that sometimes people can't live together anymore. You should tell the child together with the spouse and agree to keep it simple and not bad-mouth each other. You be sure and tell the kid it's nothing to do with their fault because they always think it's their fault and then that they ought to be able to mend it. So you tell them it's nothing to do with them except it affects them, and then assure the child that he will continue to regularly see both parents just as much as before and then make that happen through joint custody. Joint custody is the norm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 28, 2019 Author Share Posted October 28, 2019 You're not to involve kids in divorce or the whys of it. You're to keep it simple and let the child know that sometimes people can't live together anymore. You should tell the child together with the spouse and agree to keep it simple and not bad-mouth each other. You be sure and tell the kid it's nothing to do with their fault because they always think it's their fault and then that they ought to be able to mend it. So you tell them it's nothing to do with them except it affects them, and then assure the child that he will continue to regularly see both parents just as much as before and then make that happen through joint custody. Joint custody is the norm. Thanks, that's how I was planning to approach it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Well, you need to have a discussion with the ex about it without getting uncivil and tell her judge's are very particular about not involving the kids in adult problems and that it will be much easier for the child if you both sit down with them at the same time and agree on what you tell them and present a united front. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Yeah thanks, This is kind of what I was thinking anyway. Still tough to think about. Of course. It's horrible, and I speak from experience. My husband refused to participate in the talk, and I had to tell my kids myself . That was 9 1/2 years ago, and my kids are now thriving at ages 17 and 18. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) The two of you should sit down and tell the child together. That is the best way so you each can assure the child it isn't their fault. This is a huge point !!!!! It also stops the BS that may come from either side. Kids are selfish and are really only concerned with how their lives and routines will be changed,........ This is also true, but may be hard to do at this point, unless you and the STBxW have hashed out the agreement. If any judge finds out that either party bad-mouthed the other to the child, they will be on the judge's bad side. .............. DING DING DING, we have a winner. LOL. OK, Im just fresh off of this. Some things were good, and some were bad about how things were done. My first bit of advice would be to talk with your STBxW and figure out who's moving, who's keeping the house, and what is the expectation of custody BEFORE talking with your kid. Otherwise, it could be very confusing, as things may change. Once you have a plan... don't tell your kid until the papers are actually filed, and the divorce is happening. At that point, sit with your kid... don't coddle him or sugar coat things... just be honest, and let him know you love him, and it has nothing to do with him. Now, in my case... the kids had an idea, (fond out later the EX told the kids before she ever told me she was unhappy) and they were starting to worry. Once I was served with the documents, I told the EX that the kids need to know. She didn't want to, so I told her it was happening, and she could ether be part of it, or not. (She decided to do the talk at that point) She started good with the "We love you, and you will always be safe"... but then it turned into "Daddy and I are having problems." At that point, I stopped her, and told her that only the truth would be spoken, and I had nothing to do with wanting things to end. She got mad, but changed it to "I need to leave your father." Not a nice thing, but it was the truth. Now, to Preraph's point... Since my EX went nutz, and was simply fabricating stories to try to influence my older kid, it eventually backfired on her, and my 13yo simply does not want to be with her mother. (criminal level slander on me) Because of this, the EX took us to court saying "The mother believes the father has disparaged her to the minor child." The judge was mad at me... but then I simply handed over a bunch of txt's I had showing that the opposite was true. At that point, things turned around, and I was not held in contempt of our custody agreement. SO... DO NOT do anything that can be construed as "Talking bad" about the STBx. And if you see it on the other side... try to get proof. It can win you the custody battle later. If you want to read a little more on mine, look at the "Final Chapter" thread. Good luck, and just love your kid. He will need it !!!!!!! Edited October 29, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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