ExMM sent me a message

[Ravensglen]

Context: my exMM and I dated in our early 20’s. He found me 10

Years later in our early 30’s and sent me an email which spiraled into an emotional affair. We were both married (him, no kids; me, with kids) and totally crossed boundaries with our talking. We talked about sexual things, spoke negatively about our spouses and I felt like I was in love with him again (he said the same). He told me that he and his wife slept in separate rooms, were not intimate etc. Finally I told him I couldn’t do it anymore- I didn’t want the guilt, adrenaline, ups and downs, and inability to be present in my own life. We lived across the country so no danger of anything physical. I disclosed to my husband with much guilt and shame, and he forgave me under the condition that I stop talking to exMM. I did.

 

1 year later exMM contacts me out of the blue and says he has a business trip bringing him to my city. Talked to my H, he said if I wanted to see him it was ok but kept jokingly calling it a “date” and said we better not cross any lines. ExMM and I met, got breakfast and talked in person for the first time in 10+ years. He was very huggy and affectionate. I wore my wedding ring, he did not. Afterward I dropped him off at the airport and went home to my husband.

 

ExMM and I again resumed communication after meeting but I cut it off after a month or so, seeing similar patterns to what happened before and knowing I didn’t want to hurt my husband and kids. Also I felt incredibly guilty for my role in hurting his wife who didn’t know anything about me, and basically feeling like a ****ty human being.

 

I went NC. No social media, no stalking, etc. Lasted ~1.5 years until he sent me a

message on Facebook today. We are not FB friends, his message showed up under “requests”. My mouth went dry, my heart was pounding. He wanted to let me know that he was divorced and (I believe) fishing to see what my status is. I am shocked he is divorced. Maybe he was telling the truth about sleeping in separate rooms, who knows. Or maybe she served him with papers! Who knows. I have not replied, but the pull is VERY STRONG. I so wish he and I could be friends, but I know better. I know that if I respond, it will eventually go back to him and i openly wondering what it would be like if we were together and future faking. It will go back to me feeling distracted all the time and unable to be present in my life with my H and kids. I am posting here for clarity and a reality check.

 

I told my H xMM sent me a message and he told me to do what I feel is right.

[Bluebelle38]

I think you have been very unfair to your husband. I can't believe after the emotional affair and telling your husband about it, you met this guy and carried on chatting again.

 

Decide what the hell you want. Your husband has suffered enough.

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with Bluebelle.

 

 

You say you felt guilty, but then you allowed yourself to talk, and meet with him. Now, you feel like you need to talk and/or meet up with him again, all these years later? Your husband has been WAY MORE understanding of this than he needed to be. He accepted the situation, and forgave you... but now you are ready to possibly destroy everything over what could be with someone else??

 

 

OK... you asked for a reality check... here it is....

 

 

1) You are lusting over someone who has absolutely no issues with cheating on the person he is with. I'm guessing if you betray your family... THAT YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH... eventually your xMM will get bored with you, and find someone new. In turn, you will have nothing.

 

 

2) You have a family and H that love you, and you are $hitting on them. (again)

 

 

3) If you are found out to be with your xMM again... and your H files... you will get nothing.

 

 

I'm not normally that blunt... but I'm trying to get you to understand how wrong it is before something physical happens. You already felt bad allowing it to be emotional... you continue to want to talk to you xMM... and since he is now divorced, I'm guessing he will get you to turn it physical since you are a weak person. If this is what you want, just file for divorce, and do not hurt your family any more than need be.

Edited October 29, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Starswillshine]

Your husband gives you chances to make the right choices and you keep failing. Does not matter that you tell him.

 

Warning, these are signs of death by a million paper cuts. Little by little you are eroding your husband. The disrespect shown (in his face nevertheless) is pretty astounding. The idea that you thought it would be ok to meet up with this man....

[stillafool]

 

I told my H xMM sent me a message and he told me to do what I feel is right.

 

Well your husband sounds very blah about it. Maybe he doesn't care anymore. A person can only take so much before they no longer care.

[elaine567]

Yes I would also be very wary of the "understanding" husband

It would be easy to see his reactions as unconditional love, but it may not be...

He has given you enough rope to hang yourself, and "hung" may eventually be your fate...

Take nothing for granted.

[DKT3]

I have to piggyback on Elaine's post above.

 

Many times here, I've tried to explain the husband's behavior to wayward wives and most of the time they give the same response...my husband would never, he loves me too much.

 

Translation, I'm so awesome my husband is lucky to have me. Really?

 

Your husband has most likely already given up on you and your marriage, that's what his behavior indicates. Instead of worrying about this other guy maybe it's time for you to start asking questions like why is my husband ok with me meeting up with my AP? It's not because he trusts you because he doesn't, which leads to two options really, either he is happy with you being distracted or he doesn't care. Neither is good.

[Abetterme]

Hi Ravensglen - You were the first poster who responded to me when I finally got up the guts to post here. I remember your story well and when I read your words I deeply related to the identity/validation issues you dealt with as a new mom and really admired your awareness to identify what led you into the A. I was also very impressed that you were able to put an end to the A, something I hadn’t been strong enough to do, as well as do so before it professed to a PA.

 

I see this post as a way to expunge these feelings of “pull” and prevent yourself from making a horrible mistake and I understand that. You are doing the right thing posting here and disclosing to your H that he has reached out. I feel the need to say what your husband won’t....this man has ill intentions and you shouldn’t respond. You know this and have done enough work on yourself to know where it would lead, which is tremendous hurt to yourself and your family.

 

How have things been with H as far as reconnecting post-A? Perhaps there is a bigger discussion the two of your need to be having on this front. I believe you will make the right choice in not responding. What would you want from it in the end anyway? Thinking of you.

[pepperbird]

funny that you put this in the OW?PM section, even though if he's being honest you are neither. You are a WS. I'm not trying to pick when I say that, just asking why you felt it was more appropriate? Do some thinking about that. It might give you a clue as to where your mind really is, which si important.

 

I have no advice to give, except that you are a wife and mother. You should have grown out of the " do you think he like likes me?" phase back when you were a teenager. I can't fault your interest in some other guy ( you can't help that), but why you need to group of strangers to tell you the obvious, i.e.- you are married, and that doesn't mesh with asking questions about whether or not some other guy might be interested in you. If, after everything you've described and all the chances and trust you husband has given you, you still can't easily walk away from this guy, then you really have no business being married. None. Nada, Zip, Zilch. Zero. I can't say it enough.

 

If it's more a case of nostalgia and bringing up old feelings you no longer wish to have, that's another story. Stop choosing to feed and water that garden, and the blooms will soon wither.

[pepperbird]

Well your husband sounds very blah about it. Maybe he doesn't care anymore. A person can only take so much before they no longer care.

 

 

either that or he really trusts her or thinks she will do whatever she wants to anyway, so what's the point in complaining.

[pepperbird]

honesty op, the fact that you would even read the message is very telling. I don't think you have moved as far from this as you think.

 

Knowing that may be a letdown, but it can actually be good for you. What you know, you can address. You saw a Facebook message from a guy you have had an emotional affair with. Why did you choose to open and read it instead of simply deleting it?

[mark clemson]

Hmm. I'm not going to beat you up for ending your EA and telling your husband about it or second guess his apparent forgiveness (I could of course be wrong about that). Perhaps what is saving you here is that this never went physical and was so LD. Perhaps he is the type who simply doesn't make that big a deal out of "just words" (possibly because he doesn't fully understand what they meant for you). Possibly he is the type where having some other man yearning for his wife boosts his ego (so long as he can't actually HAVE his wife). Dunno - again, I could be wrong.

 

I do think that responding to this guy would be a mistake and would churn up unnecessary drama and reopen old wounds. Possibly more for you than for your husband in your particular case, but certainly for both of you to some extent. Therefore you're well advised as per the posts above to drop this and let this sleeping dog lie - forevermore.

[Bittersweetie]

I would agree with PP to take a look at why, at this point in your life, you opened the message and why you are thinking about reaching out and wondering about you and him being together. In an old thread you talked about addressing your weak boundaries and need for validation. Have you spent time addressing these? Can you see how taking even one step down this path again negates all the the work you may have done on yourself in the past couple of years?

[DKT3]

I think this is the biggest fear of most BS's.

 

I think her emphasis on his divorce is a true gauge here. I recall commenting to her some time ago about why she actually stayed married and that was because MM didn't match her desire to leave his marriage and be together. She was very angry with him for that at the time and she kinda settled for staying married. Now, MM is divorced (at least claiming to be) and judging from her past she will eventually reach out to see just how realistic her chance is to finally have this guy. Sad, but I would bet on it.

 

In the meantime, I suspect her marriage will start to decline significantly. I hope I'm wrong.

[BreakOnThrough]

Do as you wish, you know you will, you've already decided on it. Good luck.

[vla1120]

Like you said, you don't know if your xMM was really sleeping in separate bedrooms with his wife (how many times has THAT lie been believed?) You don't even know if he's really divorced. The question you should be asking yourself is why do you disrespect your husband and your family so much to even consider this xMM?

 

If you want to save your marriage (because it is not normal for a husband to react the way your husband has reacted to these situations, at least IMO), then you need to focus your attention on YOUR husband. You should also seek out IC and MC before it is too late.

[Artdeco]

I don’t think the husband’s (non-)reaction necessarily means something. Some spouses are just not jealous. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, or doesn’t value the marriage. He probably feels secure in his position because she was “honest” with him.

[BlindsidedTwice]

It will go back to me feeling distracted all the time and unable to be present in my life with my H and kids. I am posting here for clarity and a reality check.

 

You are smart to post here for help. I did the same just two weeks ago when my xAP reached out. Clearly there is a lot for you to still work through, but keep in mind the [first] sentence you wrote above. When you were in affair-fantasy-land, you were distracted and unble to be present with your husband and kids. Doesn’t it feel better (like deep down better) to be giving them your energy and attention? Doesn’t it feel better to not be checking your phone all the time, basing your mood on whether or not he messaged you? Doesn’t it feel better to be free? Doesn’t it feel better to value yourself, no matter whether xAP values you or not?

 

Are you in therapy? I’d recommend it. I’m a WW about 3.5 months out from my A and I am working hard in therapy to dig through my issues. It’s a slow, painful, embarrassing process, but I know I’ve made more progress than if I were trying to figure it out alone.

 

Good luck. Many of us here understand your position. Hold strong. Don’t respond to your xAP. You and your family deserve better.

[DKT3]

Not likely...maybe in Utopia.

 

While its true that alot of people dont believe that emotional affairs are a thing..not many of even those would be so nonchalant about it.

 

It could also be that she confessed but only to the minimum and her husband doesn't know she was prepared to leave the marriage for this guy. I'm assuming that she was honest, if she was then her husband's reaction is far from normal

[Artdeco]

Right, that’s why I wrote “honest” (quotation marks).

 

However, I am personally not the jealous type, and if I feel my partner is honest with me, I don’t mind whom he has dinner and drinks with. If he tells me I’m gonna be late, grabbing dinner with Katie from work, I seriously don’t care. I only worry if I get the impression I’m being lied to. Or when things are kept a secret. I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking that way.

[Ravensglen]

Error sorry

Edited October 29, 2019 by Ravensglen

[Ravensglen]

I see this post as a way to expunge these feelings of “pull” and prevent yourself from making a horrible mistake and I understand that. You are doing the right thing posting here and disclosing to your H that he has reached out. I feel the need to say what your husband won’t....this man has ill intentions and you shouldn’t respond. You know this and have done enough work on yourself to know where it would lead, which is tremendous hurt to yourself and your family.

 

How have things been with H as far as reconnecting post-A? Perhaps there is a bigger discussion the two of your need to be having on this front. I believe you will make the right choice in not responding. What would you want from it in the end anyway? Thinking of you.

 

Thank you for the warmth in your post; it’s a relief after some of the other responses (although I know the intention is to be helpful, I respond much better to kindness and warmth than to verbal lashing). I am also so happy to hear that one of my responses was at one point helpful to you. That means a lot to me.

 

Yes I posted here last night to prevent myself from responding to him. When I first saw his message and read it, my knee jerk reaction was that i had to respond to him. Now I know that I have choices. I don’t have to follow the knee jerk reaction, I can “pause” and really think about what I want to do and where each of those choices will lead. Think before I act, so to speak.

 

Yes, he has ill intent. He wants to see my marriage fail so we can be together (? I’m speculating here) or so he can get into my pants (again, speculating) Someone who would celebrate in my marriage ending or being in trouble is not someone to keep around in my life. They are an emotional toxic cancer that leads nowhere good.

 

In general I think my H and I have been doing better. You know, normal marriage stuff. We get annoyed with each other sometimes, bicker sometimes, etc. but we have little 2 kids and sometimes life is stressful and we take it out on each other. But normal stuff, not extramarital affair BS thrown in. When I stopped being glued to my phone and comparing him to a fantasy things got better. More peaceful, because I wasn’t in a state of constant turmoil.

 

It’s upsetting to me, when I am sticking to NC and exMM reached out, throwing me into a tailspin again. I did not reach out or indicate in any way I wanted him to message me. And I can’t block someone I’m not even friends with on messenger.

 

Anyway TY for your reply. Much appreciated

[Ravensglen]

You are smart to post here for help. I did the same just two weeks ago when my xAP reached out. Clearly there is a lot for you to still work through, but keep in mind the [first] sentence you wrote above. When you were in affair-fantasy-land, you were distracted and unble to be present with your husband and kids. Doesn’t it feel better (like deep down better) to be giving them your energy and attention? Doesn’t it feel better to not be checking your phone all the time, basing your mood on whether or not he messaged you? Doesn’t it feel better to be free? Doesn’t it feel better to value yourself, no matter whether xAP values you or not?

 

Are you in therapy? I’d recommend it. I’m a WW about 3.5 months out from my A and I am working hard in therapy to dig through my issues. It’s a slow, painful, embarrassing process, but I know I’ve made more progress than if I were trying to figure it out alone.

 

Good luck. Many of us here understand your position. Hold strong. Don’t respond to your xAP. You and your family deserve better.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, each of the times I have gone NC I have experienced real improvement in having healthier thoughts/ self-talk & being in a healthier emotional state after hitting the 1 year point. It takes me about a full year to really move on and start to feel good again. Every time I feel like I finally find some peace, and my focus is back on my family where it should be, he comes back. When I finally stop thinking about him all the time and accept that he’s gone out of my life forever, he comes back. And when he comes back, I go into a tailspin of “what if’s” again. I wish he would just leave me alone. That said, I do have to say, each time it’s happened it’s been easier to get back on the NC horse than it was the first time. This time I actually have the foresight to just not respond to him in a knee-jerk fashion as I have done in the past. I don’t owe him a reply. And today, 24 hrs after seeing his message, I don’t feel a pull to respond like I did last night when I posted on LS. Maybe that means I’m getting smarter about my choices with this whole thing.

 

I would love to see a counselor, but we are on a high deductible PPO plan which doesn’t cover counseling appointments, or rather, it would be out of pocket. I will definitely try if our coverage changes, though. I know it would be helpful.

 

TY for your reply

[Ravensglen]

Not likely...maybe in Utopia.

 

While its true that alot of people dont believe that emotional affairs are a thing..not many of even those would be so nonchalant about it.

 

It could also be that she confessed but only to the minimum and her husband doesn't know she was prepared to leave the marriage for this guy. I'm assuming that she was honest, if she was then her husband's reaction is far from normal

 

My husband sees physical cheating as cheating, but does not see EA as a threatening situation. Because its “just talking”. When I was deep in EA-land, he was always suuuuper annoyed with me for being on my phone all the time instead of being present, such as watching a show together (or whatever we were supposed to be doing.) I was physically there but mentally & emotionally wasn’t. I was constantly distracted by my phone, waiting for a message, thinking about when I should send a message, etc. and feeling inner turmoil constantly. He would ask me “so what was the show about?” And I couldn’t tell him. So I think he was more frustrated and annoyed by the byproduct of me texting this guy all the time, rather than wrapped up in feelings of me being disloyal to him.

 

That said, given my experiences, of course inappropriate talk is problematic. I consider myself to have been unfaithful to him, whether he does or not. I know what I did was wrong.

[Ravensglen]

Yes I would also be very wary of the "understanding" husband

It would be easy to see his reactions as unconditional love, but it may not be...

He has given you enough rope to hang yourself, and "hung" may eventually be your fate...

Take nothing for granted.

 

Point taken. My husband rarely seeks to control me in any way. He sort of lets me do my own thing. Whenever exAP has contacted me in the past, I’ve always told him about it, kind of wishing he would tell me “don’t reply” or something. That would take some of the agony out of it for me. It would be easier for me if he wasn’t so nonchalant about it. That said, in the past I’ve broken the trust he gave me to choose my own path, so I definitely understand your point about ‘enough rope to hang myself with’