ExMM sent me a message

[vla1120]

I'm sorry if my post was one of the brutally truthful posts. It was not meant to be mean-spirited. Someone said "The grass is greener where you water it the most." That's the truth. That is why I said you need IC to figure out what you want and why you would jeopardize your marriage for this guy who keeps popping into your life after you've gotten over him. He's not worth you losing your marriage.

[Ravensglen]

I think it’s time you told your husband the full and complete truth. He needs to know, tbh I can’t think of much worse than you actually wishing your husband were dead so you could go to om.

 

Of course I KNOW it’s a HORRIBLE thing to think. I KNOW it’s awful. I didn’t (and don’t!) REALLY want anything to happen to him, but it was a thought that popped into my head at the time I was deep in affair fog. It just shows how deluded I was and bow my subconscious was trying to rid me of the impossible situation I was in. Kind of like how people have weird ****ed up dreams, irs their subconscious trying to work out a problem. Every single person in the world has had, at some point, a deep dark horrible EVIL thought that they would never tell another soul about, would NEVER act on, and brings them great shame. Every human has had morally abhorrent thought or two that they would never act on. I’ve been to enough 12 step meetings to know that.

[Ravensglen]

If this is a dead horse, and you're confident you can maintain NC, and you don't want a new AP, and you genuinely wish to stay and with your husband on his own merits, and you are confident you can turn down OM if he suddenly showed up at your door (very unlikely, but still), then why beat it?

 

Agreed. I did not reply to AP’s message, and will not. And I am not leaving my husband for him and I don’t want to be emotionally entangled with anyone of the opposite sex who isn’t my H ever again! I did the right thing this time, which tells me I learned from the past mistakes.

[Ravensglen]

OP doesn't want to be married, it appears she has attempted to make her husband end the marriage...then her AP rejected the idea of them together because he refused to leave his marriage. She then back into her marriage

 

Sorry, but what? I feel like you are making things up to fit a narrative in your head. I never said I didn’t want to be married. When I was deep in EA fog I told myself that, but those thoughts have passed. And I knew they were crazy, even at the time. I went NC with my AP because I chose to, not bc he rejected me. I could see the A was a dead end, I was tired of hurting people and myself. And I have stuck to NC. The times I struggle are when he finds a way to worm himself back into my life somehow my sending me a message on some platform (work emails, or most recently Facebook messenger). The solution is blocking him when this happens.

[Ravensglen]

As a BW I can say that one of the many things that suck about affairs is the fact that afterwards, you have to suffer and struggle and sacrifice in order to keep what you already had. How effed up is that? You already have a good thing.

 

If this affair not continuing is dependent on MM not being available or not contacting you or not wanting you, then you have given him all of your power. You are an adult and you are in charge. The grass is greenest where you water it. Are you going to keep pretending that it's OK to sneak a little water to the weeds once in a while?

 

That’s a good point. Instead of taking the passive role (wishing/hoping he will stay away) it’s much more proactive to take the stance that I will do what I can within my power to protect my marriage from him.

[Ravensglen]

I'm sorry if my post was one of the brutally truthful posts. It was not meant to be mean-spirited. Someone said "The grass is greener where you water it the most." That's the truth. That is why I said you need IC to figure out what you want and why you would jeopardize your marriage for this guy who keeps popping into your life after you've gotten over him. He's not worth you losing your marriage.

 

No worries whatsoever. Everyone is just trying to help, I think. Different people have different communication styles. I don’t remember if your post was one of the scathing ones, I just remember as I was reading some of them I felt less like they were trying to encourage me in a positive direction and more like they were throwing stones.

 

I agree with all your points. IC isn’t possible due to financial reasons at this point in my life (we are insured but it doesn’t cover counseling). You are absolutely right that it makes no sense to cause problems for myself or my marriage over this. Marriage is hard enough without this unnecessary drama.

[DKT3]

Sorry, but what? I feel like you are making things up to fit a narrative in your head. I never said I didn’t want to be married. When I was deep in EA fog I told myself that, but those thoughts have passed. And I knew they were crazy, even at the time. I went NC with my AP because I chose to, not bc he rejected me. I could see the A was a dead end, I was tired of hurting people and myself. And I have stuck to NC. The times I struggle are when he finds a way to worm himself back into my life somehow my sending me a message on some platform (work emails, or most recently Facebook messenger). The solution is blocking him when this happens.

 

Thing about posting here, no matter how much we want to change what was said we cant. I didn't put anything in my post that isnt in one of your posts. When you say I cant go back in talking about your marriage what does that mean? That you went to be married?

 

You at one point spoke of your anger that your AP would not leave his marriage, you can attempt to cover your actions with "fog" but your behavior and thought process has not changed since those days. Thus you are still struggling. To be better you actually have to be better.

[S2B]

That’s a good point. Instead of taking the passive role (wishing/hoping he will stay away) it’s much more proactive to take the stance that I will do what I can within my power to protect my marriage from him.

 

My hope is that you will also consider getting honest with your H.

 

The thing is - he isn’t aware the marriage was in peril. He doesn’t know heshould be drawing a hard line on communicationwithyour ex affair partner.

 

Your marriage COULD get better if you stopped deceiving him about what is real.

 

Sinceyou can’t afford a therapist then offer your truth without the therapist.

 

 

You really can’t afford not to do it - you’ve placed a huge wedge in themarriage without telling your H it’s there.

[oldlion]

I read all your post and replies and there is one very important thing I did not read. I don't remember where you, even once, said "I love my husband." There was much you said about your feelings for the AP but no feelings of love for the man you are married to. You expressed feeling of euphoria for your AP, felt you were cheating on the AP when you had sex with your husband and at the same time wishing something would happen to your husband so you could be with your AP. You may call it "the fog", or a lapse in your emotions and good judgement but you can not say there was love for your husband. Do you have any love for your husband or are you just tolerant of his presences and the life and security he provides? If you do love your husband then you will completely cut the AP out of your life. No text, no email, no phone calls, not even a smoke signal. Otherwise be honest with your husband about your feelings, give him a divorce and journey into the land of fantasy, rainbows and unicorns with someone whose primary aim is getting you naked and in bed with him. He divorced his wife and be assured, when he tires of you he will leave you like he left her. Think about this. If he will cheat with you the indication is he would cheat with someone else other than you. You are playing with someone who isn't anywhere near the man you already have. It's sad but we never really know what we had until we lose it. I do wish you well.