ExMM sent me a message

[S2B]

Do what feel is right indicates to your husband that:

 

If you reply you should expect to get divorced

 

If you don’t you get the option of staying married.

 

What you do determines your future in the marriage.

[Starswillshine]

Point taken. My husband rarely seeks to control me in any way. He sort of lets me do my own thing. Whenever exAP has contacted me in the past, I’ve always told him about it, kind of wishing he would tell me “don’t reply” or something. That would take some of the agony out of it for me. It would be easier for me if he wasn’t so nonchalant about it. That said, in the past I’ve broken the trust he gave me to choose my own path, so I definitely understand your point about ‘enough rope to hang myself with’

 

I dont ever want to control anyone I'm in a relationship with. My BF is free to do as he wishes. I am not his babysitter nor his mother. However, his actions have consequences. And if we had told me that he had emotionally gotten involved with someone, and then later that same person wanted dinner together. Sure, my response would be, do what you feel is right. And when he chooses to go to dinner with her as the "right" thing, I would choose to leave him as the right thing for me.

 

So yes, be extremely wary of it. Just because he says, do what you want, does not mean he does not care. He may be judging your actions on the things you think are right.

[stillafool]

I did not reach out or indicate in any way I wanted him to message me. And I can’t block someone I’m not even friends with on messenger.

 

Maybe you need to just get off messenger so you won't receive anymore messages from him. If that is what it will take to make sure you never hear from MM again, and the health of your marriage why haven't you done that?

[Blind-Sided]

...I am posting here for clarity and a reality check...

... it’s a relief after some of the other responses (although I know the intention is to be helpful, I respond much better to kindness and warmth than to verbal lashing...

 

 

I know some sounded harsh, including mine... but you asked for the reality check. (can't have it both ways) Asking for help can be soft... a reality check is a "Kick to the head."

 

My husband sees physical cheating as cheating, but does not see EA as a threatening situation. Because its “just talking”. ....... I consider myself to have been unfaithful to him, whether he does or not. I know what I did was wrong.

Your man isn't oblivious to this. He understands that talking is talking... Flirting is flirting... and an AP is an AP. Trust me... this is a notch in his heart every time it the subject comes up. Especially after years of not talking about it.

 

...... Whenever exAP has contacted me in the past, I’ve always told him about it, kind of wishing he would tell me “don’t reply” or something. That would take some of the agony out of it for me......

talking about it puts agony on him. The person he built a life with is slowly walking away. Because he's not the controlling type, he simply wants to side step it. Also, he knows that if he told you to stop... it's liable to just push you away faster. Also, you last bit of that comment would just let you off load your guilt. Why put that on him?

 

Maybe you need to just get off messenger so you won't receive anymore messages from him?. ..................

Bingo !!!!!!!! You can have facebook on your device... but you don't have to load messenger. Anyone who you actually talk to via that app... just give them your phone number. And if you xMM has you phone number... get a new one.

[Starswillshine]

You CAN block anyone on facebook which will block them on messenger. Trust me, I have had to block at least 25 different accounts from my exH's OW. I cannot understand why someone would make up emails and facebooks accounts just to harass someone's now ex-wife.

 

So it can be done. Just go to his profile and block him. Easy.

[lurker74]

I feel like every time I wander into this forum, I end up saying the same thing. But that's OK because it bears repeating. The vast, vast majority of affairs (emotional and physical) are based on one big lie.

 

No, not the "I'll get a divorce" lie or the "I'll love you forever" lie. Those are often present as well, but the BIG lie...the one that causes most relationship that come from affairs to end. And that is...everything on which you base your "relationship" is the good part, the fun part, the exciting part of a relationship. Deep conversations, emotional connections, crazy wild sex, the excitement of sneaking around (or texting around). But it has none of the stuff that makes relationships REAL. Things like a shared history, paying bills, fighting about dumb things, turning toward each others' bad characteristics, raising a family (if families are involved). So you get all of the good and none of the bad and then wonder WHY DOES THIS PULL ME IN SO EASILY?

 

The answer is almost always: because it is a lie.

 

And though that might sound cynical, it actually is beautiful. Because it means he's not lying to you and you are not lying to him. You actually probably DO love each other deeply and meaningfully. But most of the time, it doesn't work out because each of you is lying to the worst person to whom you can lie: YOURSELF.

 

So the next time he messages you, remember that the "relationship" was based on that lie. And if you decide you want to pursue it, do so knowing there is a high likelihood that things will not work out because at the end of the day, during the affair(s), you only experienced a small portion of what you and your husband experienced.

 

One other note...you claim he has ill intent because he wanted (wants) your marriage to end. Well, his ended likely in large part because of you because you were always over the horizon as the beautiful lie he told himself that prevented him from having a relationship with his wife.

 

Good luck.

[S2B]

You CAN block anyone on facebook which will block them on messenger. Trust me, I have had to block at least 25 different accounts from my exH's OW. I cannot understand why someone would make up emails and facebooks accounts just to harass someone's now ex-wife.

 

So it can be done. Just go to his profile and block him. Easy.

 

On the messenger app - go to that person’s profile - scroll down and chose the button that blocks them. Easy.

 

 

His wife likely divorced him because he’s a serial cheater.

[introverted1]

And I can’t block someone I’m not even friends with on messenger.

 

 

 

Yes, you can.

 

 

Open the message in Facebook on your laptop and, at the end of the message, you'll see a link: I don't want to hear from [name] again. Click that and he's blocked.

[S2B]

ExMM may as well have sent a message saying “I am divorced - want to have sex?”

[Ravensglen]

I dont ever want to control anyone I'm in a relationship with. My BF is free to do as he wishes. I am not his babysitter nor his mother. However, his actions have consequences. And if we had told me that he had emotionally gotten involved with someone, and then later that same person wanted dinner together. Sure, my response would be, do what you feel is right. And when he chooses to go to dinner with her as the "right" thing, I would choose to leave him as the right thing for me.

 

So yes, be extremely wary of it. Just because he says, do what you want, does not mean he does not care. He may be judging your actions on the things you think are right.

 

You make a very compelling point. I don’t like the mirror you are holding up for me, because the truth is hard to swallow and I’ve done some ****ty things. Despite that, I absolutely see your point. And I agree. My H wants to see what I will do, he doesn’t want to ‘parent’ the person who is his partner, his equal. He wants to see what I choose to do of my own agency, not how well I follow his directions. That tells him more about who I am.

[Ravensglen]

What you do determines your future in the marriage.

 

Youre right, it does.

 

It determines who I choose to be. I KNOW better, I am not naive like I was the first time it happened. Am I going back to the addiction of the affair, or not. Am I going to show some integrity, or not.

 

It determines how my husband decides to handle things... is he interested in getting back on this roller coaster, dealing with his wife being infatuated with someone else, or not? His life got hijacked with the EA I had, through no fault of his own.

 

So yes, you’re right. The stakes are high. I have a feeling my husband would be much less understanding of my stupidity this time around. And I don’t want to put him through it again because he really does not deserve it.

[Ravensglen]

ExMM may as well have sent a message saying “I am divorced - want to have sex?”

 

Yes that’s what I figured too. I am not stupid enough to lie to myself like I did before in the past and think “oh, he’s just looking for friendship, oh he just wants to talk” .... no, he is telling me that he is divorced to see if I’ll take the bite and give him sex. Which I’m not. There are millions of free, unattached single women out there, why is he coming around again? I know from reading this forum, it’s easier for him to start up with me again because we have history together, than it would be for him to make the effort to start up with someone brand new.

[Ravensglen]

So the next time he messages you, remember that the "relationship" was based on that lie. And if you decide you want to pursue it, do so knowing there is a high likelihood that things will not work out because at the end of the day, during the affair(s), you only experienced a small portion of what you and your husband experienced.

 

One other note...you claim he has ill intent because he wanted (wants) your marriage to end. Well, his ended likely in large part because of you because you were always over the horizon as the beautiful lie he told himself that prevented him from having a relationship with his wife.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the reply. Yes, during the A and future faking, we shared none of the same issues that naturally occur in normal relationships... bills, cleaning, morning breath, stress, dealing with family issues, etc.... you imagine all the good stuff and ignore the flaws.

 

Your last point kills me. It is like a knife to my heart. I am not the ow who thinks “his marriage, his problem”. I won’t even try to deny that I fear that exact thing more than anything else. I am wracked with guilt and shame for anything I did to cause issues in their relationship, or enabling him to avoid the problems he was having at home. He pursued me, this is the 3rd time now. I didn’t ask / hint / want it after going NC & finally getting over him. but every other time except this most recent time I did engage with him essentially rewarding him by replying & giving him my attention again. Of course I don’t know exactly what impact I had on the marriage because I am not going to ask him... because I am not talking to him.. but I do think about the impact I had from time to time and feel that stabbing guilt.

[stillafool]

Yes, you can.

 

 

Open the message in Facebook on your laptop and, at the end of the message, you'll see a link: I don't want to hear from [name] again. Click that and he's blocked.

 

OP, are you going to take the above advice and block him this time?

[S2B]

Is your husband aware of the FULL extent of the affair?

 

Or did you minimize it?

[spiritedaway2003]

Your last point kills me. It is like a knife to my heart. I am not the ow who thinks “his marriage, his problem”. I won’t even try to deny that I fear that exact thing more than anything else. I am wracked with guilt and shame for anything I did to cause issues in their relationship, or enabling him to avoid the problems he was having at home.

 

I wanted to let you know that I understand the stabbing guilt all too well. It's a thought I've struggled with too. On some level, the guilt goes both ways. He knows he's affected your life (and your family's life) just like you did his. This is true regardless of whether you are the one who pursued him or not. You fear because you cared, which is, by definition, the nature of an EA. If all he felt was the "high" of the EA, I don't doubt that he ended his marriage in part because he thinks things could be better with someone else. It tends to be true that people are willing to end things if they think it could lead to a better outcome. His marriage is now broken, and he's got to be broken in some ways. A failed relationship hurts no matter what. He wants to see where you are, especially if he had feelings for you. It's easy to paint him in broad strokes like he's reaching out only because he had ill intent. It could or could not be true (only he knows), but it's human nature to reach out in this way if there were feelings involved (even if those feelings came out of an affair "relationship").

 

Since you are you're married, it might be easier to think that you should care more about the feelings of your husband than the MM. You're an adult and your husband knows that he can't parent you. I think you'd already know that you shouldn't respond unless you want to jeopardize your own marriage. I wish you well.

Edited October 31, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Ravensglen]

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Ravensglen]

Is your husband aware of the FULL extent of the affair?

 

Or did you minimize it?

 

Yes I did minimize some things, I am ashamed to say. I didn’t tell my husband how often exAP and I talked, or that we FaceTimed once in a while. Granted, I wasn’t doing any striptease things and neither was AP, but we didn’t FaceTime or talk on the phone when either my husband or his wife were around. It was like a shared understanding we had. So obviously it was not right. ExAP and I talked daily on the phone during my lunch hour. I remember once my H came to work to surprise me with lunch & I was upset bc it interrupted my daily phone call with exAP... that’s ****ed up. Deep in the throes of my A, I found fault with my husband at every turn and resented him a great deal. When we had sex, I felt like I was cheating on AP even though I was actually cheating on my H with exAP! That’s just how deep in I was. I was DEEP in the fog. At my worst i believed exAP and I were star crossed lovers who reconnected at the wrong time in our lives. I am terribly ashamed to admit that I wished something bad would happen to my H so exAP and I could be together without me having to break up with my H. How cowardly is that? I mean, I am very ashamed of that. I did not share those thoughts with H. I don’t think you can come back from someone disclosing that.

 

I think the biggest thing I minimized was the extent how deeply it affected me, shaking my very core, and forever altering my experience in the marriage. I just didn’t know how to explain it. I mean, for me it will never go back to the way it was before I has the EA. I am a different person. I learned a lot of ugliness about myself... and also learned some valuable truths/lessons. I wish it had never happened because it opened Pandora’s box.

 

My H knew I was talking to an ex, but didn’t know how often. My H knew I was distracted. My H could see I was addicted to my phone when I’ve never been one to care about my phone. My H knew i developed feelings and I even told him “I think I am having an emotional affair” to which he replied “are you sending him naked pictures?” And I said no (which is true). he said “then I don’t care”

 

I at one point told my husband tearfully deep in the throes of EA that I badly wished I could know what it would be like to have a relationship with AP. He said “you did, and it didn’t work out” (by AP was an exBF from 10 years prior) and I said “yeah but we’re older now and it would be different” - he looked at me square in the face and said “it would never work out.” I asked him why. He said “Because look at what he is doing to his wife”. Once AP send me a present to the house, a car part. My H actually felt threatened at that point and told me to knock it off with AP and he didn’t want me talking to him anymore. I respected that and cut it off at that point.

Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ravensglen]

OP, are you going to take the above advice and block him this time?

 

 

Ok, so my mind is doing some crazy things. Mental gymnastics? Something in my mind is like, you can’t do that!! What if something happens and he needs to get ahold of you? Though I can’t actually think of a situation where he would need to. If he were sick or hurt why would he contact me, we live in different states. So yes I will block him. It is crazy how my mind is scrambling to make excuses not to. I wonder why part of my mind is fighting it so hard. Seems to make no sense

[Lewhawk]

I think it’s time you told your husband the full and complete truth. He needs to know, tbh I can’t think of much worse than you actually wishing your husband were dead so you could go to om.

[S2B]

I agree - you need to get honest with your husband.

 

And why the need to talk to exMM? Your ego. You want an ego feed. Which isn’t fair to your husband. Tell your husband how much you need an ego feed and are considering risking your marriage.

 

Get brutally honest!

 

Go to counseling to learn to keep your ego in check - the MM is just a symptom of what’s lacking within your marriage.

 

The bottom line is - you really don’t respect your husband and your husband really can’t trust you.

 

Counseling could help both of you.

[mark clemson]

If this is a dead horse, and you're confident you can maintain NC, and you don't want a new AP, and you genuinely wish to stay and with your husband on his own merits, and you are confident you can turn down OM if he suddenly showed up at your door (very unlikely, but still), then why beat it?

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Your last point kills me. It is like a knife to my heart. I am not the ow who thinks “his marriage, his problem”. I won’t even try to deny that I fear that exact thing more than anything else. I am wracked with guilt and shame for anything I did to cause issues in their relationship, or enabling him to avoid the problems he was having at home. He pursued me, this is the 3rd time now. I didn’t ask / hint / want it after going NC & finally getting over him. but every other time except this most recent time I did engage with him essentially rewarding him by replying & giving him my attention again. Of course I don’t know exactly what impact I had on the marriage because I am not going to ask him... because I am not talking to him.. but I do think about the impact I had from time to time and feel that stabbing guilt.

 

Are you wracked with guilt and shame for what you did to your husband and do you feel a stabbing guilt about it that he doesn't really understand the enormity of?

 

If so, how can you even contemplate talking or texting with xmm again? What is there to process or discuss about how you should handle it when he contacts you? Why not just delete and go on about your business with your family?

 

Are you sure you're finally over him?

[DKT3]

OP doesn't want to be married, it appears she has attempted to make her husband end the marriage...then her AP rejected the idea of them together because he refused to leave his marriage. She then back into her marriage

[heartwhole2]

As a BW I can say that one of the many things that suck about affairs is the fact that afterwards, you have to suffer and struggle and sacrifice in order to keep what you already had. How effed up is that? You already have a good thing.

 

If this affair not continuing is dependent on MM not being available or not contacting you or not wanting you, then you have given him all of your power. You are an adult and you are in charge. The grass is greenest where you water it. Are you going to keep pretending that it's OK to sneak a little water to the weeds once in a while?