SumGuy Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 It may not come across but I am for marriage, just believe it is a very big step, and should be entered with eyes wide open and as much caution as reasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Whatever happens open heartfelt communication with him is good; especially if you can see and understand his fears and reasons. All you've said here is heartfelt in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 It may not come across but I am for marriage, just believe it is a very big step, and should be entered with eyes wide open and as much caution as reasonable. Thank you. I agree. We actually have taken two weeklong family vacations where we flew to South Carolina. Then last summer myself and the boys stayed at his house for a week while he went to work. Basically like you said it was for the boys to spend more time at his house, for him to spend more time with them, to see what typical family life is like. It was really nice and went really well. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Actually he did not marry at 36. He would have been 32 when he got married. He was separated in 2013 but divorce was not final until 2017. She dragged it out in court due to custody battle, and all sorts of crazy crap apparently. Cost him $40,000 in court fees. He was separated for 4 years before we met, and divorced finalized for 6 months. I am his first serious relationship since his separation/divorce. He was in a few long term relationships prior to that (one with his daughter's mother for 4 years) but apparently marriage was never a consideration with anyone until he met his ex wife who forced it on him. Obviously I wasn't there and am only hearing his side. I have met the ex wife though and she does come off as very cold and impersonal and she was rather rude to me. It could be a combo that he felt trapped and she was in fact demanding and controlling. Who knows. Oh God , and there ya go , l rest my case. No guy with a brain is gonna be in a hurry to go there again after all that.Tbh, l'm cringing at the thought of him having marriage pressure again so soon. And of course the ex wants nothing to do with you, why would she , who cares you don't have to like her or have anything to do with her. Why you going to couples counseling anyway , is there some problems or is it just the why doesn't he wanna get marry yet stuff . lf it's only about marrying he doesn't need counseling he needs time. Have you been married before , any kids ? lf not then l see your dilemma and time is something you'll have to decide and figure out , but he's in no place for being pushed right now sorry to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 Oh God , and there ya go , l rest my case. No guy with a brain is gonna be in a hurry to go there again after all that.Tbh, l'm cringing at the thought of him having marriage pressure again so soon. And of course the ex wants nothing to do with you, why would she , who cares you don't have to like her or have anything to do with her. Why you going to couples counseling anyway , is there some problems or is it just the why doesn't he wanna get marry yet stuff . lf it's only about marrying he doesn't need counseling he needs time. Have you been married before , any kids ? lf not then l see your dilemma and time is something you'll have to decide and figure out , but he's in no place for being pushed right now sorry to say. Divorced same length of time, 2 kids. I am bringing him to see my therapist, its just for a session to get his input on stuff in our relationship. It was my therapist’s suggestion and she thought it could help us. Personally I think everyone could benefit from couples counseling to improve relationship quality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 You don't have to want the same thing. Waiting would be to wait until he wants it too. In a marriage, a lot of times two people disagree. But you compromise. If you want it badly, he can marry you to make you happy. If he is strongly against it, you can stay with him unmarried to accomodate him. We sort of know why people want to get married: to take vows and have your union recognized legally and affirmed religiously. And we know why people refuse to get married: they think it will be bad for them. I understand a lot of people don't seek marriage. I don't either. But to adamantly refuse to marry someone you love means he thinks marrying you will be bad for him if not now then down the road. They say it's just a piece of paper. Ok then why fear that piece of paper? The piece of paper thing is only an attempt to change your mind. Money is usually the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 My children would benefit because of his ability to drive them to school sports and other activities, which I cannot do. So basically his ability to drive will allow them to participate in things that counteract my limitations if that makes sense. Are you sure he is 100% on board with this? If you cannot drive this will be limiting his life a great deal and he'll become at your service and your kids service. Being able to participate in after school sports seems cool to you but it's nothing compared to losing your school and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 You don't have to want the same thing. Waiting would be to wait until he wants it too. In a marriage, a lot of times two people disagree. But you compromise. If you want it badly, he can marry you to make you happy. If he is strongly against it, you can stay with him unmarried to accomodate him. Thanks! Great post. From what he has said he is planning to chose the "marrying me to make me happy" option that he thinks will happen in the future and believes he will get there. He just isn't there right now. Of course me being all anxious and impatient, I want a better validation then "I think I will get there in the future to make you happy." But it's better then him saying he'll never get married! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 Are you sure he is 100% on board with this? If you cannot drive this will be limiting his life a great deal and he'll become at your service and your kids service. Being able to participate in after school sports seems cool to you but it's nothing compared to losing your school and friends. Yes, he is on board I already checked with him. No I don't plan on making him me and my children's personal driver. I will only need his help outside of the shuttle service hours. As far as limiting his life, well I'd argue it would be including him in my children's life and their activities, not limiting. Of course if he looks at it like a limitation then marrying someone who can't drive is not the right fit. I would never look at helping someone get places as "limiting" myself, so I wouldn't want someone to look at me that way either. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Since he got hit hard with divorce money, you could offer to sign a prenup waiving anything except division of household assets and agree in advance on joint child support in case you have kids together. That might rest his mind a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 From what he has said he is planning to chose the "marrying me to make me happy" option! That sounds so awful, you would marry him knowing he is only doing it to please you. Wow! And a marriage with this as a base is suppose to bring stability and longevity? If he marry you to please you he'll soon resent it and each time you run into problems he'll identify your behavior as controlling and he'll throw at you he didn't want to marry and he regrets it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Actually he did not marry at 36. He would have been 32 when he got married. He was separated in 2013 but divorce was not final until 2017. She dragged it out in court due to custody battle, and all sorts of crazy crap apparently. Cost him $40,000 in court fees. This has about as much application to his relationship with you as my lost luggage and two-day flight delay in Europe have to a hour-long car trip across town. Be a little ridiculous to say I'll never travel again. Of course his divorce was complicated, there were kids and assets involved. You won't (I assume) be having kids together and you can structure assets going in with clear division of ownership. People who say they are afraid of divorce are most often actually afraid of commitment. Divorce is just paperwork and a few hundred bucks in fees. Bingo... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 Since he got hit hard with divorce money, you could offer to sign a prenup waiving anything except division of household assets and agree in advance on joint child support in case you have kids together. That might rest his mind a bit. He had a vesectomy. He doesnt want a prenup. I already asked. I dont think his hesitation is financial. I kept my divorce out of court, and I am against divorce. If he ever wanted to divorce me he could go file paperwork without an attorney. I will be super flexible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 That sounds so awful, you would marry him knowing he is only doing it to please you. Wow! And a marriage with this as a base is suppose to bring stability and longevity? If he marry you to please you he'll soon resent it and each time you run into problems he'll identify your behavior as controlling and he'll throw at you he didn't want to marry and he regrets it. What are you talking about? I was just quoting what the person said. I will avoid fighting with you but stop trying to stir the pot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 I've quoted your words. I'm not fighting or stirring tbe pot. You are here for opinions and l am voicing mine. I happen to think you are rushing all for the wrong reasons. You don't know him enough, you have different life goals, your guy has not dated around, there are 3 kids involved, 2 your own you are willing to uproot way too young way too fast. I'm not hearing anything about how much you love him or how you complete each other but instead i hear about how it will be more convenient to live with him. So yes l have a different opinion than women on here hungry for matriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 I've quoted your words. I'm not fighting or stirring tbe pot. You are here for opinions and l am voicing mine. I happen to think you are rushing all for the wrong reasons. You don't know him enough, you have different life goals, your guy has not dated around, there are 3 kids involved, 2 your own you are willing to uproot way too young way too fast. I'm not hearing anything about how much you love him or how you complete each other but instead i hear about how it will be more convenient to live with him. So yes l have a different opinion than women on here hungry for matriage. I did ask for opinions, yes. On that note. Thanks everyone for your input. I am going process all this. I very much appreciate the time you all took to weigh in Link to post Share on other sites
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