Narcissistic mother trying to impose curfew at 21?

[faithandfood]

I'm 21. My parents are both emotionally abusive, especially my mother. The marriage is also broken and toxic. I was away for two years at college then came back home during my junior year for nursing school (it was ten minutes from the house). I'm not in nursing school anymore as I now commute to about forty-five minutes to school. My mom is always controlling about what I wear, where I am, etc. I usually stand up for myself, which has resulted in big arguments. I do go out and make sure to inform both my mom and dad. I'm currently a full-time college student and have a part-time job. I do not have a set curfew, but I usually try to make it home before 12 or 12:30.

 

So last night, I got home at 12 and I told my mom where I was going as she asked me three times. I was only sixteen minutes away. It was raining at the time. She called me at ten and eleven. I didn't answer both. She then to come home because I was not at my school library and went to another one. So I got home and explained to her the place has security. Fast forward to this morning, I didn't know my right tire was flat. Instead to help, she was yelling and was like "You think you are smarter than me? See why I said to come home early" luckily, my phone died and I just got ready for school. My dad took my car and changed the tire. So he comes back right. I told him I'm not about to controlled and none of my friends have a curfew (most live with their parents as well).

 

So a few hours ago, my mom calls and starts screaming at me. Saying that I can't stay out late until I have a spare tire, that I'm not wise (mind u, I don't do anything bad. I don't drink or smoke. Usually help out around the house. Study and work. Go out and usually inform them), how I think I know too much, how I am rebelling. And while I was defending myself, she hung up on me then called back. I temporarily blocked her number as I was not about to get all those insults. She even said to come home early for the sake of how my dad is treating her - she is also verbally and physically abusive to my dad but doesn't want to admit to herself. I also told her I am not a scapegoat. Because to make things worse, my dad lied to my home that I came with him to the tire shop whilst I was getting ready at home the whole time.

 

I'm honestly just tired. I am at school and don't plan to get home until eleven. I plan to move near campus next semester.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not normal behavior and your mom is abusive . You are not "rebelling." I'm sorry you're experiencing this .

[d0nnivain]

It sucks & your mother is over the top but it's her house & her rules.

 

I was away at college for 4 years. I came home & lived with my parents for 3 years of graduate school. I got a lot of the same treatment you are experiencing including the curfews. When I moved out after graduation I never looked back. Living independently brought me so much peace.

 

You can't make her change. All you can do is move.

[Mr. Lucky]

it's her house & her rules.

 

I'm afraid this is true.

 

faithandfood, either you're at a point in your life where you're self-supporting, independent and living on your own - or you're not, with the adjustments and compromises that implies.

 

I can similarly relate, we have an adult daughter living with us while she gets back on her feet, tough adjustment after years away. And I had this same conversation with her up front, I simply don't want people coming and going at all hours of the night. And she's accepted that, grateful for a roof over her head and our support.

 

You might look at it the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Good for you moving to campus next semester. If you can manage to transition from living on campus to living independently when you leave college, all the best to you.

[ajequals]

I also agree your going through this because you lack respect for your parents. it's their house. their rules. I bet they even pay your phone bill don't they?

[stillafool]

Agree. Their house, their rules. I bet this is making you really work hard so you can be independent of them. Getting your own apartment is very exciting.

[amaysngrace]

Your mom needs to chill. She’s actually angry because you stayed out late at the library?

 

She needs something real to complain about in her life. Maybe then she’ll get it.

[schlumpy]

I'm honestly just tired. I am at school and don't plan to get home until eleven. I plan to move near campus next semester.

 

Being 21 does not make you an adult, that status in only conferred when you are self sufficient. I understand you are going to school but that excuse only holds water if your parents are under some legal obligation to provide for you after High School. I don't believe they are. They made a choice to do so and they are sacrificing for that decision.

 

Get your own place even if you have to have a bunkmate. Your relationship with your mother should improve once she sees her influence waning.

[Blind-Sided]

As above... her house, her rules. I know that totally sucks, and it's not what you want to hear... but unfortunately, that's a fact of life. Since you are in school, and under her roof... technically, you are still her dependent until you are 24. AND, regardless of the legal point... you are still her daughter, and in her house.

 

 

I'm not saying you are wrong in your thinking, or that you are a bad kid... or that you are rebelling, but if you want to cut the crap... and make your own rules... then you have to move out, and pay all your own bills.

 

 

OK... I've read what I wrote 5 times... and I know it sucks, and sounds harsh, but I just can't think of how to reword it to make it less... sucky.(?)

 

 

I was you at one point. I went back to school later in life (early 20's) and enjoyed it once it was what I wanted to do. SO, I stayed in until I was 28. Part of that time I lived in the dorms, but some of that time I was back home. My mother isn't controlling, but I would get the "It's dark, where are you going?" Now mind you, my mom goes to bed early, and it was winter... and only 8 pm. It took some time, and I always told her where I was going... but that's also why I bit the bullet, and paid to live in the dorms. I love my mother deeply, and we have a great relationship... but it's just not easy to live at home again as an adult, because mom will always see you has her "Baby".

 

 

Good luck.

[Els]

Another one on the "their house, their rules" bandwagon. And I'm saying this as a person with a mother whose rules were more unreasonable than yours (you think a midnight curfew is bad?!? try 9pm....). I just had to suck it up and move out ASAP.

 

Financial independence and emotional independence from your parents are key in being able to make your own rules and your own decisions. If you don't have these two crucial things, you will always be at their mercy - and they might not be very reasonable, as you've found.

 

So get that financial independence ASAP.

[anika99]

I left home at 16yrs old. When I was 18 my mother and stepfather were living on the main floor of a house that also had a cute basement suite. My parents did not own that house, they were renters. The basement suite became vacant and they convinced me to rent it for myself and my baby son. So technically I did not move home, I moved into the suite below them and paid full rent to the owner of the house who was not either of my parents. That didn't stop my parents from going right back to treating me like child though. I put up with it for 3yrs for the sake of my son. My mom took care of him while I worked or went to school. Not for free, I paid her, but she did love my son and he loved her and she took excellent care of him. That was priceless to me because leaving one's child with babysitters is scary business, especially when they are a baby. So I swallowed my pride and put up with my stepfather's behaviour.

 

I echo everyone else in saying the only way to gain independence from your parents is to move out.

[Mrin]

Yeah, I agree with others. She seems over the top but it is her house, her rules. There is no "court of fairness" when it comes to stuff like this. No one to adjudicate whether she is being reasonable or fair. It just comes down to that simple truth, "her house, her rules."

 

If I were you I would just grin and bear it and move out ASAP.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Tamfana]

Their house their rules. Do you pay rent? You might have some leverage if you're paying your share but otherwise, the only solution is moving out. Criticizing them probably isn't a great plan while you're benefitting from their generosity. My kids had curfews when they were living on my generosity as well.

[preraph]

Young adulthood sucks when you're still dependent on the parents. The goal is to get out of the house, live on campus if possible until you get through school. As long as you are dependent, it's their rules. My mother was a shrieking mess as soon as I started rebelling, just nutso acting. The last grasp of control from a controlling person. Luckily, they let me (it didn't cost as much then) live on campus. Then during the summer I found some other place, a commune, a caretaker position at a ranch.

 

Your mom doesn't have much to worry about. Mine did. I was a hellion. But part of becoming an adult is cutting those strings. Unfortunately, if they're paying for school and making you live at home, you are stuck until you find a way out. But don't jeopardize your education for it.

[faithandfood]

Thank you guys for the responses and insights. I bought a spare tire yesterday and also ordered a scissor jack. Also, I always appreciate what my parents do for me as I tell them this daily. It’s just the overbearingness I’m trying to deal with. It’s affecting all of us as my little sister (14) told my mom she keeps bullying on her. Like yesterday, I was writing at 3 AM and my mom came in (left my door a bit open) and asked what I was writing (it was just tips form my new job) and she literally grabbed it and thought it was a love letter or something. I don’t have a lock in my room as it’s been broken for twelve years. I plan to buy one today.

 

And she stays telling me about hygiene and skincare as if I don’t take care of myself already. “Use your deo, body spray, etc” like I’m not 14.

[preraph]

So annoying! My mother would read letters I got and never stopped trying to pry like that, even after I was 50! She got really POd one visit to my home (I lived in another state) because she couldn't get into my locked file cabinet. She was seriously fuming about it the whole thing she was there.

[faithandfood]

Phew. Even at 50? Oh Lord

[burritosntacos]

I'm 22 and live at home with my parents while finishing grad school. I have this same 12am curfew.

All I can say is being a young adult while still living with parents absolutely sucks. You feel capable of having independence but they still want to be in control. Its crazy to think how my peers that live on campus are out almost every night until like 3am and I have to be home by 12.

My mom also has her issues (unreasonable, emotionally abusive) so talking to her does very little, but if you think explaining to her that in order for you to maintain any kind of social relationships at all your curfew needs to be lifted, I would try.