Fluctuating feelings in LDR.

[Amy92]

Hello everyone.

 

I’ll give a quick background of my situation below as its a very long one and i dont want to get in to too much detail.

 

I know this guys 2-3 years. We met and talked. We have plenty of things in common. Nothing was official , but he did admit his feelings to me 3 years ago. I couldn’t pursue it at the time as he was 18 yrs old and i was 24. He was way too young and very immature. We stayed in contact , but the more we talked the more i felt like i wanted to be with him.

2 months ago i went to see him. He changed. Matured and takes care of himself now. I fell for him , we kissed and i felt very attached.

Week one of leaving he started to distance himself and he said that he’s not really looking for a relationship right now as he’s not sure of his feelings anymore. He cant leave , but also doesn’t want a committed relationship. I thought well obviously he just wants to sleep with me then , but he was very honest and told me that he’s mostly lusting over me than anything else right now. He’s confused of his feelings and he doesnt want to hurt me , so he broke it off.

I was DESTROYED for a good few weeks when he decided to message me and say he has missed me. We talked and my feelings towards him started to wax and wane. I do have an anxiety disorder and i know my anxiety is very hard to handle , but i have never been in a relationship and my parents have a horrible relationship with each other. My image of marriage is completely ruined because of them and i promised myself that i will never put myself through it.

Before all of this , my feelings were definite , but i feel like it was my hormones making me crazy. I still like him and i know i was to have sex with him .. the attraction is still there , but i cant be sure if i have feelings or not .. or am i afraid of feeling vulnerable??

We decided to keep it physical for now and decide how we feel afterwards. If our feelings stay the same or change we will communicate with each other.

I have never been in a relationship or a LDR and definitely not a physical LDR either.

 

My question is ,

 

Is it normal to feel like this ?? Is it normal for your feelings to fluctuate for someone ?? Everytime we text and talk my feelings come back , but once we dont , i start to panic and have doubts in my head.

“ i dont like him “

“ i will hurt him”

“ i think i am forcing it”

“ i don’t believe him”

“ do I really have feelings for him “

“ i think im only attracted to him”

“ i dont think my feelings are real”

 

It goes on and on ...

[MountainGirl111]

I think it's fairly COMMON to feel like you fluctuate in a relationship where things are not really defined and/or "settled". Or, in a relationship in which you have doubts.

 

What you can do and this has worked for me, is try to get yourself settled with just you, yourself, and you. It's always going to come back to YOU regardless of what anyone else will do.

 

In other words, it is of most importance that you love yourself because no matter where any relationships begins or ends....you yourself is going to be there. People can come into and out of your life. That's just part of life...I would not stake my own happiness on another human being. I'm not advocating being antisocial or lonesome....not at all...but if you are dating someone for awhile that gives you SO much stress, pay heed to that. If you are in the early stages of a relationship I wouldn't be so concern.

 

As to the long distance thing: that just adds another layer of challenges because you may always wonder what they are up because you rarely see them. That puts doubt in your mind.

[rainbow12]

Don't take him seriously because he's not sure about you either. You should go with the flow slowly in hanging out with him a couple of more times and if you still feel unsure then I think that there's something missing for you to question how you feel about him. it's a leap in the dark for you and him cause you both are in a LDR and it can be confusing how you feel towards each other since only internet can help you guys to connect. When do you actually meet each other in person? like twice a month? once a month? Maybe the LDR is making it confusing for you to see clearly what you both really want from each other because you're miles apart. If you guys could try and meet more maybe there be a real true communion you both never recognised before cause the distance has stopped all that. I could be wrong you could still feel the same and if its like that long enough then he's not the one you want and you're not what he wants. So take it as friendship, be happy and move on. :rolleyes:

[hippychick3]

Sorry OP, but he has already made it clear he’s not interested in a relationship with you. He’s not available. The best thing you can do is move on and find someone who is available and interested. Sex with someone you have any feelings for will only cause heartbreak for you. Don’t get any more invested in this guy. It’s not going to work out.

[MountainGirl111]

"I was DESTROYED for a good few weeks when he decided to message me and say he has missed me. We talked and my feelings towards him started to wax and wane. I do have an anxiety disorder and i know my anxiety is very hard to handle , but i have never been in a relationship and my parents have a horrible relationship with each other. My image of marriage is completely ruined because of them and i promised myself that i will never put myself through it".

 

There are some serious issues here that need to be addressed or I fear you are just going to suffer more and anxiety, which we know is not fun at all.

 

Why were you "destroyed" when he messaged you and said he missed you? I don't think that act is worthy of destruction, I really don't.

 

Also, I think getting to the bottom of what you were raised around is important. It may take some time to work out that issue as it was years in the making.

 

An assertiveness class or workshop might be a good thing. It's about asserting your needs and can include some confrontation skills. If you know what you want, that's half the battle. Being able to articulate what you want is the other half.

 

Just keep in mind this new relationship is long distance. I don't want to be a wet blanket here, but I kinda think long distance relationship are doomed from the start. I once had a boyfriend and when he moved far away I just knew in my sinking gut that it would be the end our relationship....and it was...Our relationship never recovered from it. I had to face reality though. He moved away...there was no closure, even...it was his CHOICE to move far away and he was happy to do so....which told more than words could ever say.

Edited November 2, 2019 by MountainGirl111