Mourning marriage

[stew930]

My 18 year marriage ended last year. I found out 6 months before we decided to divorce she had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. She did work on trying to save the marriage but she ultimately decided to end it because she didn’t feel she could faithful to me. Her actions were difficult to understand then and now as I treated her so well. She respected how hard I worked for the family, found me physically attractive, said I am a great partner and father. We tried some therapy towards the end which did help but the promise of giving it 6 months to work on the marriage went down to 3 months down to zero. I handled the divorce paperwork and we went over it together and filed together with no attorneys.

 

Nearly every 6 months she has opened up to me telling me she misses me and loves me even though she has been dating a guy she met right away after the divorce. A month ago I opened up and told her I missed her and wished we could have separated and not divorced right away. At my daughters counseling session in the waiting area the flood gates on her end telling me she wished we hadn’t moved so quick and she only wanted to separate, she now sees me for who I am who is a good man. She still loves me, finds me attractive, she’s cried for hours over what she has done to me and the kids, could see a future with me, doesn’t picture a future with her boyfriend of over a year, he makes no money, even though his extrovert personality is what she wanted but it gets annoying, and she gets excited when she thinks about us taking the kids traveling. After the counseling session in the parking lot we hugged for a while and she said this just feels like home. As we separated from the embrace she moved in to kiss me then stopped. I could tell that she was stripped down and she was being real and honest. I told her she needed to let me know soon if she was thinking of a reconciliation because we are both seeing people. A few days later she said her feelings were confused and she needs to stay with her boyfriend. I wish she wouldn’t have said anything as I had been doing well but that just tore open the healing wound. Her and her boyfriend allegedly argue a lot as he is very controlling and my son has heard her say “You’re not the boss of me” several times. They have gotten into screaming fights just because she wants to go have drinks with her friends. He does treat our kids very good which is comforting. Now they are buying a house together. They go to church together and allegedly feels that God has forgiven what she had done to our marriage. The other day our 10 year old son said mom Googled “The effects of divorce on kids” and asked him how he was feeling about the divorce. He said he misses me and wishes we were all together.

 

I have dated many woman since the divorce for 1-3 months but I feel I constantly look for that spark and deep love I had for my ex-wife. Despite what she was doing throughout the marriage there were when we had pure passion and deep love for each other. Since the divorce I still feel the love is still there for her. I have been dating a good woman for 4 months but it can be a struggle because I still love my ex-wife very much. I know I need to move on which is why I am trying to give this relationship a chance. She treats me so well and she genuinely wants to make me happy. It’s painful to see my ex-wife at kids events multiple times a week. She hardly looks at me when we are in the same vicinity. I avoid her because of the pain and she probably avoids looking at me over the guilt. There have been stretches where I am feeling good about things then she shows up looking stunning and I can feel the love and hurt creep back in. I have been to therapy since the divorce and I know what she did to me wasn’t anything against me but he was her issues. It’s still so hard somedays because I feel I have stepped into the shoes of someone’s life. The only joy I have is when I see my kids and then I get mad that she broke up our family as we should all be together. I don’t want this life, I want the one where I am married to the love of my life with our kids. I know I can’t have that but it’s difficult telling my heart to let go. I know I need to be gentle with myself as we were together for 20 years. In 10 days it would have been our 19th wedding anniversary and this month was the anniversary of our first date 21 years ago.

[notbroken]

The woman you thought you married no longer exists and never did. Honestly, she is a fantasy. I am sorry but you can't go back and have everything 'perfect'. It never really was. As hard as it is, you have to accept that. The longer it takes you to do that the longer you will suffer. Take her off her pedestal and see her as she really is/was. Any time you would spend chasing what was (which really wasn't) would be WAY better spent chasing another person.

 

She is remorseful because she realized she messed up a good thing. She did mess it up. Permanently. You can't unsee/unknow what is there. Your mind is trying to do that but you will never be successful. I am sorry, but you have to move on as best as possible. Seeing her for who she really is has to be part of that.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you're saddled with this. And your kids, too. This is all about your wife and who she is. You can do everything right, but that is not going to make her a settled in, contented wife. I know nothing about her past, but she is in exploring mode. I don't know if she got married too young or has some other dynamic that makes her want to keep moving, but that isn't going to change. I don't doubt she values you. She just is still hungry for some intangible something. I hate she's with a guy who fights her if she wants to see friends because that is abusive, but then she likely will cheat on him if he gives her a chance, as she's coming on to you again. I think she just has a restless spirit.

 

I really think you should remain on decent terms with her so the kids don't suffer in the midst of the tension and chaos, but keep trying to move on since you seem capable of a steady content relationship with someone. You can still love her, but you just must realize her limitations. Good luck. I hate you're going through this.

[S2B]

She doesn’t respect you. And you can’t trust her.

 

It doesn’t matter how sentimental she gets - she’s not good marriage material.

 

Sure she misses the money, and you being so easy on her - most guys would get angry with her.

 

Don’t get back with her on default - she wants the money and travel.

 

Being sentimental is one thing - but stupid decisions is another.

 

See a counselor. You need to understand why you would even consider this live - and why it would feel ok/familiar. That feeling comes from somewhere - probably your childhood.

[mark clemson]

It's sad that you feel so strongly for a women who clearly has no problems walking all over your feelings. It seems you're in love with the wrong woman unfortunately.

 

The breakup blues will eventually fade. Agree if/when this guy finally drives her away it doesn't make sense to accept her back, despite how you feel. She may come to you at first because you're a relatively safe harbor, but it does sound like she'll eventually stray again.

 

IMO the best thing you can do is, once you're fully emotionally ready, move on.

[Marc878]

A few days later she said her feelings were confused and she needs to stay with her boyfriend. I wish she wouldn’t have said anything as I had been doing well but that just tore open the healing wound. Her and her boyfriend allegedly argue a lot as he is very controlling and my son has heard her say “You’re not the boss of me” several times. They have gotten into screaming fights just because she wants to go have drinks with her friends. He does treat our kids very good which is comforting. Now they are buying a house together. They go to church together and allegedly feels that God has forgiven what she had done to our marriage. The other day our 10 year old son said mom Googled “The effects of divorce on kids” and asked him how he was feeling about the divorce. He said he misses me and wishes we were all together.

 

Right now you are a hopium addict living in denial and fantasy over a serial cheater. Her words are meaningless. Her actions are all that really count but you refuse to see her for who she really is.

 

Right now your biggest problem is you. Until you awaken you'll stay where you are.

[FMW]

She was repeatedly unfaithful to you and told you straight up she didn't think she could be faithful to you in the future.

 

So no matter how attractive she finds you or how much she loves you (I question "love" that involves repeated infidelity), she's not going to limit who she finds attractive and wants to be with to just you.

 

So unless you're willing to continue sharing her with other men, come to terms with letting go and moving on. Yes, it will probably take quite some time.

 

Hopefully the woman you're with right now realizes she's mostly a distraction and comfort for you and that your relationship is limited because of your attachment to your ex.

[Marc878]

Your only good path is to cut all unnecessary contact which will break your hopium addiction.

 

Here's how:

Keep everything separate. Holidays, birthdays, etc. she has her time and you have yours.

 

Cut off any unnecessary communication. Zero phone calls. Text or email only and limit that to kids only. Learn to ignore. You will find you don't need to respond to much.

 

Never go into her home and never allow her into yours.

 

Any pickups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

 

Google gray rocking and parellel parenting. Your kids will adjust.

 

Like most she'll want to be "friends". This is all for her not you. It's just cake eating.

 

The only one keeping you where you are currently is yourself.

 

If you don't drop the hopium pipe you will continue to linger in limbo.

 

Want to see a fairy tale ending? Buy a book or rent a movie. You won't get one in your situation.

 

This is all up to you. No one else has that power over you unless you allow it.

[Marc878]

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not even close.

 

Be careful what you are teaching your kids. They learn most from their parents.

 

Would you want your kids to take abuse, allow themselves to be manipulated, walked on and treated like crap?

 

What are they currently learning from you?

 

You'd be wise to stop seeing what you want to see and wake up to reality.

[S2B]

It’s obvious she doesn’t know how to be on her own.

 

She proves though, that she will use men who allow her to.

 

Why would you love someone (anyone) who mistreats you this much?

 

Were you mistreated as a child? It makes me think this is your sense of “normal” - which it’s not for a healthy adult.

[norudder]

Your poor gf. Does she know how you feel about your ex? She's ok with casual and probably being dumped when you're*actually* moving on? Or her dumping you when she realizes she's not your emotional focus?

 

Granted you should be focused on yourself but don't be so selfish to use her if she doesn't have the clarity of your intentions.

[schlumpy]

Despite what she was doing throughout the marriage there were when we had pure passion and deep love for each other.

 

I'm probably really dating myself but do you remember the song from the group - Crosby, Still, Nash and Young titiled "Love the One You're With?"

 

That's your ex-wife.

 

The deep love you had with her was all on your side because no one does what she did and can be described as deeply in love.

 

You need deep therapy to find out why she has such a hold on you.

 

Meanwhile isolate her as much as you can. Don't let the kids talk about her. Don't be friendly to her just be civil. If you exchange the kids for a weekend do at a neutral third party site so you won't have see her. Only call her to talk about the children and nothing else.

 

Take all of the memorabilia from your marriage and burn it. Set yourself free. Take that final step.

 

If you don't do this she will always attempt to keep you on the shelf which is what she is doing right now. Nothing has really changed as to why she cheated on you and divorced you. You will just drop into the pit once again.

 

Ask yourself why you want to live that way again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have dated many woman since the divorce for 1-3 months but I feel I constantly look for that spark and deep love I had for my ex-wife.

 

No comment OP on your ex, you obviously know she’s toxic. Her attraction to you fluctuates based on how things are going with the BF, not a dynamic to bet your future on.

 

But you really should slow down on the relationship front. You’re obviously not ready and the ‘substitute wife” game you’re playing benefits neither you nor these unfortunate women.

 

Work on yourself for now. When you’re in a better, healthy place, plenty of time to look for a partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stew930]

I appreciate everyone that commented.

 

It's difficult to navigate away from a relationship that I poured my heart and soul into. I know she wasn't as serious about it as I was at times and I wish I had found out the affairs early on instead of 6 months prior to filing for divorce.

 

I guess I feel used since now she seems to be trying harder to not make the same mistakes with her boyfriend she met just after our divorce was final. Why not make amends and fix the relationship with the father of her kids. I suppose its easier to move on than rebuild something you destroyed. It's painful being left in the dust when I did nothing but love and adore her.

 

She didn't deserve me and she doesn't deserve me now.

[Marc878]

She probably regrets how this has affected her not you.

 

Cheaters are selfish by nature.

 

Ask yourself why you make her such a priority when you aren't even an option to her?

[stew930]

She probably regrets how this has affected her not you.

 

Cheaters are selfish by nature.

 

Ask yourself why you make her such a priority when you aren't even an option to her?

 

Your probably correct because I mentioned I missed her parents and she asked why because I didn't like visiting them much. I said that I had to always take care of the kids while she sat and visited. It wasn't until then she apologized for it even though I had asked her for help multiple times.

 

I would love to stop the anxiety and move on. When I see her at kids events my heart still flutters a little bit. I'm still morning the loss of my best friend of 20 years. True she wasn't a good friend and she will admit she was a terrible wife. Why I wasn't worthy to resolve things with to keep the family and relationship together. It's an answer I will never get and it is the guild she has to live with the rest of her life if she has much guilt. I am sure she has processed it and moved on. She said God has forgiven her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm still morning the loss of my best friend of 20 years.

 

You posted this:

 

she wasn't a good friend and she will admit she was a terrible wife.

 

I found out 6 months before we decided to divorce she had multiple affairs throughout our marriage.

 

Stew, this isn't about her, it's centered around your inability to see her for what she was. She wasn't a "friend" or remotely adequate spouse.

 

I get mad that she broke up our family as we should all be together.

 

No, you most definitely should not. Hope you continue to discuss this with your therapist...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Stew.... listen to Mr. Lucky. You had a cheating wife... she was not your friend, and because of who she is... you do not want her influencing your kids.

 

 

Things happen in life... and you will come out the other end of this eventually. Trust me... im the other person recently with a 20 year relation gone. It took almost a year to get my head on straight... and the ex is still giving me and my oldest kid grief... but my daily life is "Mine" again.

 

 

Be well.

[2.50 a gallon]

More Insight to your Ex's Reactions

I caught my Ex cheating. She was unrepentant and moved in with him that same day. Alas over the next couple of months, our paths crossed several times. And she enjoyed rubbing it in, telling me how much better off she was. I am short and skinny and he was a younger body builder.

About 12 weeks later a neighbor invited the two of them over for a BBQ. She came to the door asking if she could spend some time with our cats. I gave her a can of soda and again she tried to tell me how much her life had improved.

As a bachelor I always kept a bottle or two of cheap champagne in the refrigerator door.

As she prepared to leave she threw her can into the garbage, and then investigated when it klinked on something hard. Where she found an empty bottle of champagne. In a flash she was in our bedroom and from the mess there and the empty bottle knew that I had not slept alone the previous night.

She did an instant 180, telling me how stupid she was, what a mistake she had made, and begging me on her knees with crocodile tears to forgive and take her back. She even went so far as to go outside and loudly announce to the BBQ party and neighbors at the top of her lungs, how Mr. Body Builder had taken too many body building drugs and his manhood had shrunken in size and being a heavy drinker was totally useless in bed.

I never relented, divorce was on the way. But that did not stop her, for the next 3 years she would reappear in my life at the oddest times, again wanting to know if I would give her one more chance

It destroyed her knowing I was sleeping with other women.

[stew930]

More Insight to your Ex's Reactions

I caught my Ex cheating. She was unrepentant and moved in with him that same day. Alas over the next couple of months, our paths crossed several times. And she enjoyed rubbing it in, telling me how much better off she was. I am short and skinny and he was a younger body builder.

About 12 weeks later a neighbor invited the two of them over for a BBQ. She came to the door asking if she could spend some time with our cats. I gave her a can of soda and again she tried to tell me how much her life had improved.

As a bachelor I always kept a bottle or two of cheap champagne in the refrigerator door.

As she prepared to leave she threw her can into the garbage, and then investigated when it klinked on something hard. Where she found an empty bottle of champagne. In a flash she was in our bedroom and from the mess there and the empty bottle knew that I had not slept alone the previous night.

She did an instant 180, telling me how stupid she was, what a mistake she had made, and begging me on her knees with crocodile tears to forgive and take her back. She even went so far as to go outside and loudly announce to the BBQ party and neighbors at the top of her lungs, how Mr. Body Builder had taken too many body building drugs and his manhood had shrunken in size and being a heavy drinker was totally useless in bed.

I never relented, divorce was on the way. But that did not stop her, for the next 3 years she would reappear in my life at the oddest times, again wanting to know if I would give her one more chance

It destroyed her knowing I was sleeping with other women.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been doing better this last week. The hurt still comes back up some days but when I think of the type of person she is I don't really miss her. She didn't really deserve me and all the love I gave her.

 

Less than 2 months after she told me she loved me and she saw a future with me and not with her boyfriend they bought a house together. They move next week so it will be interesting to see how that ends up. When she sent me the e-mail telling me they are moving I got a little worked up but I quickly calmed down. Realizing how crazy it was for her to buy a house with a guy after a few months ago of her saying all those things to me. All I care about is the kids are happy with the house she bought.

[preraph]

She doesn't thrive on security and "trying" and "working on" a relationship.  She thrives on new experiences, sounds like.  She is who she is.  If you were her, that's what YOU would do, but she's not you.  Best to let it go and find your own happiness elsewhere.