How to move on? 5 months on...

[LostLove123]

5 months ago my ex-girlfriend of 11 years told me she didn't love me anymore. She had been emotionally cheating on me with a guy who she had been messaging for 3 months before the end of our relationship. She is now with him, she overlapped into a relationship with him straight away and it left me devastated, she was posting pictures online pretty quickly, making it official. I haven't seen these photos but heard from mutual friends. I've since asked them to not tell me anything. He is 10 years older than her which I find a little odd and I've met him before and he's certainly not an upgrade so to speak.

 

Thing is, I'm still struggling to move on, because we got together at such a young age she was my first girlfriend. I have vivid dreams of us getting back together and having sex most nights, only to wake up and realise that she is probably/definitely having sex with this guy instead. I still have that glimmer of hope in me that she will contact me and say she regrets it all.

 

Any advice appreciated.

[preraph]

Aw, I'm sorry. I think because you were together young is why this didn't last into the future. You know, people change during their early adult years and most transform into a different version of themselves. Their world expands and they gain a new perspective on many things, life, love, social issues, politics, as they gain experience as an adult. And often couples who started out together young grow apart. It's sad when it only happens to one, leaving the other one stranded. But I guess it's just time for you to put yourself out there and expand your own universe.

 

I don't think your time is well spent sitting in place waiting for her to regret it. She's evolving as a person, moving on. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't try to be "just friends" or something like that, but that wouldn't be healthy for you and would keep you hanging on to hope, so I would advise not to let her do that and use you just for her friend since you still have feelings.

 

You should do your best to cut off contact with her, not look at her social media, not let her look at yours (block), the latter being because you will put things on there hoping to get a reaction, when your goal now should be to work toward stopping caring what she thinks or does eventually. You need to be going out with friends and setting aside only maybe a couple of minutes before bedtime to think about the situation in an analytical way and then put the subject to bed before you go to sleep by asking yourself, Is there anything I can do about it? No. Then I've done all the worrying about it I'm willing to do today -- and then go to sleep and maybe you'll stop dreaming as much about it.

 

You have to concentrate now on doing your hobbies and being with friends and doing things or watching tv programs and movies and things that make you laugh. If you are stressed out, you should be working out to relieve stress too. You should ask mutual friends and family not to fill you in on her doings anymore too.

 

It takes some self-discipline and some self-pampering and making yourself be social when you are depressed and don't feel like it, but you have to fake it to make it and get past this.

 

Good luck.

[Highndry]

It's over, man. She has completely moved on. She was done with this relationship and grieved the loss of you before she even left. The best thing you can do is completely remove every item in your life that could possibly lead to her memory and then find somebody new when you're ready. Fantasizing that she's going to come back is only going to hurt you. And there is no "probably" about it - she had sex with that guy as soon as she possibly could.

 

 

Further - why would you ever want to take her back? It doesn't matter if she comes back crying and begging, NEVER take a woman back who cheats and tries another man out to see if the grass is greener. She'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Highndry

[d0nnivain]

It's gonna take a while. She was your 1st. You don't know any different & this is your 1st big heart break. Try not to mark your progress on a calendar.

 

Do some basics:

 

* purge your life of the mementos. Either throw them out or at least box them up & put them away. This includes saving all photos to a thumb drive so they are hard to access.

 

* shake things up; rearrange your living space; take a new route to work; find a new hang out

 

* Go NC meaning fully disconnect, off social media too.

 

* surround yourself with supportive family & friends

 

* keep busy; try not to dwell; join a gym, take up a new sport . . just move

 

* distract yourself: get a new hobby; work over time; take a class; get a PT job on top of your FT job & sock away the money for a rainy day . . .just make sure you are not sitting around idle.

[LostLove123]

Thank you for the advice, I will try everything! She did want to be friends after the break-up but I said that we're either together or we're strangers. I actually haven't dreamt of her the past few nights which has really helped.

[LostLove123]

It's over, man. She has completely moved on. She was done with this relationship and grieved the loss of you before she even left. The best thing you can do is completely remove every item in your life that could possibly lead to her memory and then find somebody new when you're ready. Fantasizing that she's going to come back is only going to hurt you. And there is no "probably" about it - she had sex with that guy as soon as she possibly could.

 

 

Further - why would you ever want to take her back? It doesn't matter if she comes back crying and begging, NEVER take a woman back who cheats and tries another man out to see if the grass is greener. She'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

I don't want her back, I want her to regret it. She emotionally cheated on me before and I was going to leave her but she begged me to stay and then she does it again and leaves. Thing is I am bemused because this guy is a lot older, doesn't earn as much as me, isn't as handsome and leads a pretty boring life. I treated her amazingly throughout the relationship and always paid for the bills, holidays etc. I don't know why she fell out of love with me, she wouldn't give me a reason, she just left. My friends think she's a narcissist that craves for attention but I don't want to profile someone.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

I'm so sorry to hear this! I can only imagine how tough things are for you right now! But it sounds like despite the pain you are open to trying new/different things and want to move on. And don't let anyone tell you differently - getting angry and/or wanting your ex to suffer a little is healthy and normal. You just can let yourself dwell in it - otherwise you'll find you are the one who gets stuck. I'm 10.5 weeks out of a heartbreaking break-up where my ex was literally sending me cute couples' memes in the morning and by early afternoon she was saying she didn't have time for a relationship, which I found out 5 days later was quasi false - back on a dating site and while she was looking for something "casual" - it's still not honest. And just now I found some pictures and other stuff on a portable drive I carry with me that I knew where there and in the process of deleting it I broke down and cried in my office at work for 10 minutes.

 

BUT...while she was younger than me she was not my first....ironically I was her first - so I know I will heal and that I just need to push back against this second wall of depression I hit last week and just start doing and stop letting my mind over analyze things.

 

Now for you - you are right - she cheated and she allowed fantasy or "what if" to become reality. Who knows, in 5 days or 5 months she may come back to you begging (or just come back) or she may not. Only time will tell. But...it doesn't matter. You may be right - she may be in need of attention. But it doesn't matter. As people said - people change in their late teens and early to mid 20's. My ex was 24 and I'm 38. Now, she had little dating experience and comes from a toxic family and still lives with them. Maybe she didn't love me anymore. Maybe she's just changing and just wanted to be free. Maybe she could never bring herself to tell her family about me. It doesn't matter. If you can walk away from someone at 2 years and aren't open about emotions, don't talk about your needs (let alone know what they are), and act like nothing mattered, then you're not as good as a person as you pretend to be. And in both our cases, it doesn't matter. If you tried your best, if you were open to loving, supporting, listening, etc and they chose not to open themselves up to you - that's their loss. And people - if they don't know what's wrong underneath may bounce around from one pole to another pole - looking strange to outsiders - and it's because they don't know what they want.

 

Stay strong. Keep your head up. Keep active!

 

I don't want her back, I want her to regret it. She emotionally cheated on me before and I was going to leave her but she begged me to stay and then she does it again and leaves. Thing is I am bemused because this guy is a lot older, doesn't earn as much as me, isn't as handsome and leads a pretty boring life. I treated her amazingly throughout the relationship and always paid for the bills, holidays etc. I don't know why she fell out of love with me, she wouldn't give me a reason, she just left. My friends think she's a narcissist that craves for attention but I don't want to profile someone.