40 year old male clueless at a relationship

[Luke Cage]

I need advice from anyone who will give it me.

 

I've somehow gone 4 decades without ever getting into a relationship with someone. I've never even dated and needless to say, I've never had sex.

 

I've recently discovered I am attracted to a female friend and I have no idea how to proceed. I don't 'get' things like flirting and body language and usually oblivious to them so I don't know if someone is just being friendly or wants me to make a move.

 

Is there something specific to say or just tell someone you like them and ask if they want to go grab some food?

[preraph]

Is this female friend voluntarily talking to you outside a work context? Does she come over and talk to you?

 

You can't trust it in a work context because people are basically paid to be friendly and polite to other employees.

 

If she is talking to you and coming up to you and you don't work with her, then she is at least a friendly person. No way to know if she's like that to everyone or just you, though, except that you can observe her around other people and see if she's just generally friendly and gregarious and likes talking to everyone.

 

Also, do you know if she is single or has a bf or husband? What do you two talk about when you talk? Need more info.

 

It never hurts (except at work) to just ask someone if they want to have lunch or brunch or dinner, but you should do it ahead of time, not the day of. Have you two ever talked about restaurants? If so, you could say, I have been wanting to try Angelo's. I might go tomorrow. Would you like to go with me?

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to announce that you like the person. When you ask her to have dinner with you she will know this is a date.

 

Hey you wanna grab a bite? -- is friends going Dutch.

 

Would you please have dinner with me on [day of week] at [nice location]? -- is a date.

 

When you go on the date, pay attention to her. Look in her eyes. Really listen when she speaks. Be interested in what she has to say. Be courtly, using your good manners, like opening doors & helping on with her coat.

 

It's trivial pop psychology wrapped up in Hollywood fiction but since you have no clue, watch the Will Smith movie Hitch. It will teach you something about reading body language. If you search the internet you will also find some videos on the subject.

[normal person]

I need advice from anyone who will give it me.

 

I've somehow gone 4 decades without ever getting into a relationship with someone. I've never even dated and needless to say, I've never had sex.

 

I think before you do much else you should examine how and why you got to where you are. If you want to get valuable advice, you'll need to elaborate on what sort of hurdles you have had/currently have so you can try to curb any behaviors that might be holding you back.

 

I've recently discovered I am attracted to a female friend and I have no idea how to proceed. I don't 'get' things like flirting and body language and usually oblivious to them so I don't know if someone is just being friendly or wants me to make a move.

 

Inability to understand nonverbal communication is symptom of autism, and there are a lot of autistic men your age in similar shoes with regards to dating and sex. Any chance that could be part of the cause of some of this?

 

Is there something specific to say or just tell someone you like them and ask if they want to go grab some food?

 

I think you should be very careful about asking a friend out, especially blindly like this. If she's not interested in you, it could ruin the friendship. So I would read the situation carefully. Has she done anything that makes you think she might reciprocate? Because if not, it's pretty presumptuous to think she has any romantic desire for you; don't forget it's a two way street. Just because you like her all of a sudden doesn't mean she's now automatically receptive to the idea as well.

 

What's the nature of your friendship? How do you know each other and how do you spend time together? What do you think her perception of you is? Does she know or think you have dating difficulties?

 

In my mind, the lowest risk, highest reward solution to this is to have a few drinks together and see what happens when you're both less inhibited. Of course there are other ways, but if you're unsure of things, this isn't a bad bet.

[Luke Cage]

"I think before you do much else you should examine how and why you got to where you are. If you want to get valuable advice, you'll need to elaborate on what sort of hurdles you have had/currently have so you can try to curb any behaviors that might be holding you back."

 

The biggest hurdles that held me back for so long was that I was rarely ever able to find work after college and morbidly obese ( 600lbs). More than anything, those two things shredded my esteem and confidence. I've had a job for the past 3 years and dropped down to 285lbs (and that's always going down) and slowly building up my self esteem. But I've never been a social butterfly.

 

"Inability to understand nonverbal communication is symptom of autism, and there are a lot of autistic men your age in similar shoes with regards to dating and sex. Any chance that could be part of the cause of some of this?"

 

Maybe. When I say I don't 'get' it, I mean more that everything seems to vary from person to person and it all feels arbitrary. Eventually, I just stopped bothering trying to figure people out.

 

"I think you should be very careful about asking a friend out, especially blindly like this. If she's not interested in you, it could ruin the friendship. So I would read the situation carefully. Has she done anything that makes you think she might reciprocate? Because if not, it's pretty presumptuous to think she has any romantic desire for you; don't forget it's a two way street. Just because you like her all of a sudden doesn't mean she's now automatically receptive to the idea as well."

 

What's the nature of your friendship? How do you know each other and how do you spend time together? What do you think her perception of you is? Does she know or think you have dating difficulties? "

 

She is someone I met while working out in the gym. She noticed first hand my extreme weight loss over the past 2 years and started giving me minor compliments, which eventually turned into genuine compliments and long conversations. We eventually became close to the point where we lean on each other for moral support and she shares ALOT with me at times.

 

Stuff about dreams and ambitions, how she is feeling,etc. She gets real close to me at times, isn't repulsed if we touch or hug (which I'm aware doesn't mean romantic feelings on it's own). She shares alot of her personal photos with me at times and I realized she was obese at one point in her life as well. It surprised me because she is in amazing shape (and still looked beautiful even when she was at her heaviest) and she poured her heart out to let me know that she hasn't had many relationships in her life (just 1 boyfriend) and hasn't had one in years but isn't outgoing enough to pursue one, even though she wants one.

 

She likes me well enough to approach me with a giant smile and grand high five. She told me on several occasions how happy and proud she is of me for my weight loss and how I inspire her to continue with her training. She confides in me for my opinion on things at times so she likes me well enough as a friend at least.

 

 

At that point, I'm wondering if she wants me to make a move and ask her out or just wants comfort from a friend (which of course I provided). I'm at the point I'm just going to do it and accept what happens but I have zero experience and fear creeps into everything. Fear of rejection only because past instances where I tried letting a female friend know I liked her and it just ended up with her not talking to me anymore. Fear of her saying yes and then freezing up during a date and messing up, etc. I realize the fallacies here but again, I have no experience to draw from and at some point in my early 30's, I started to see dating and relationships are something other people did that doesn't apply to me. That's going to be hard to shake but I have to get passed it.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Luke Cage

[normal person]

I've had a job for the past 3 years and dropped down to 285lbs (and that's always going down) and slowly building up my self esteem.

 

Great. Congratulations on losing all that weight and getting a job. How much self-esteem do you think you have currently? Would you call yourself a confident person? Do you think other people think you're confident? Why or why not?

 

 

Maybe. When I say I don't 'get' it, I mean more that everything seems to vary from person to person and it all feels arbitrary. Eventually, I just stopped bothering trying to figure people out.

 

I think a lot of nonverbal communication is easier to decode than you think. Consider someone's motivations for everything they do and the implications thereof. If someone wants to spend time with you, if they want to be close to you, if they initiate contact, etc -- that's a good sign that they at least enjoy your presence, if not more. If they avoid you, don't return your calls, etc, then that's indicative of something as well. Think about how you would act if you felt a certain way around a person, and then observe others and compare the behavior.

 

 

She is someone I met while working out in the gym. She noticed first hand my extreme weight loss over the past 2 years and started giving me minor compliments, which eventually turned into genuine compliments and long conversations. We eventually became close to the point where we lean on each other for moral support and she shares ALOT with me at times.

 

Stuff about dreams and ambitions, how she is feeling,etc. She gets real close to me at times, isn't repulsed if we touch or hug (which I'm aware doesn't mean romantic feelings on it's own). She shares alot of her personal photos with me at times and I realized she was obese at one point in her life as well. It surprised me because she is in amazing shape (and still looked beautiful even when she was at her heaviest) and she poured her heart out to let me know that she hasn't had many relationships in her life (just 1 boyfriend) and hasn't had one in years but isn't outgoing enough to pursue one, even though she wants one.

 

She likes me well enough to approach me with a giant smile and grand high five. She told me on several occasions how happy and proud she is of me for my weight loss and how I inspire her to continue with her training. She confides in me for my opinion on things at times so she likes me well enough as a friend at least.

 

That's great. It sounds promising, at least.

 

At that point, I'm wondering if she wants me to make a move and ask her out or just wants comfort from a friend (which of course I provided). I'm at the point I'm just going to do it and accept what happens but I have zero experience and fear creeps into everything.

 

To be honest, your situation sounds a lot more promising than other people who just decide to blindly ask out a stranger. It sounds like you have a strong emotional bond and she respects you and what you've done. If anyone has a decent shot at a roll of the dice, I'd say it's you. I think the fact that you two have shared a lot of the same struggles might allow her to cut you a lot of slack if you aren't the smoothest talker or the most socially graceful, because the odds are she has a lot of the same issues and inhibitions. If she is interested in you, she'll most likely be so relieved and elated that you're taking an interest in her that she won't care if you're a bit awkward about it. But you should still project as much confidence as you can.

[d0nnivain]

Congratulations! That is an amazing accomplishment losing all that weight. Good for you.

 

Dating is friendship that caught fire. It's spending quality time with somebody but includes touching, kissing etc. Take your time with some of this but do touch a date gently. If you really are clueless, watch a few rom coms, with the sound off. I don't want you to talk like those characters (Cheesy & fake) but look at some of the body language. be an observer of the human condition . . . see how others interact.

[mark clemson]

If I try to put myself into your situation, I would just at the start of a workout or perhaps during a conversation during a workout say something along the lines of:

 

You know, we get along so well. Do you think you'd like to have dinner sometime?

 

And then she says yes or no (or possibly asks some questions).

 

If she says yes, say great and maybe start planning a little for the dinner.

 

If she says no, you gloss over it. Try to resume regular conversations about the topics you usually talk about ASAP. This increases your chance of maintaining the friendship.

 

If she asks whether it's a date, you say yes it's a date. Don't waffle or anything as that will confuse her about where this is going (and also shows a certain lack of spine).

 

It may ruin the friendship. But if you've already decided, then that is one way to approach it that could work.

 

I'm a bit torn whether to suggest you wait until you've lost even more weight or just "strike while the iron is hot", esp. since she was once obese herself. I guess now while her feelings are strong is probably better (in cas they start to fade). Hope I'm not wrong on that.

 

You're taking a gamble - wish you good luck!

[spiritedaway2003]

^^^ I'm going to second what Mark said above. Ask her out to dinner casually, and if asked if it's a date, obviously say yes. You don't want to make it sound like it's "friends hanging out" (way to confuse a girl and put you into the friendzone).

 

Since she's comfortable enough around you, she likes you at least as a friend. It's a personal opinion, but I think some of the best relationships come out of friendships. Even if she doesn't feel the same way, try not to take it personally if you want to stay friends. Sometimes it's worth taking that chance. I am a late bloomer myself in the relationship department, so I'm rooting for you. In my book, it's never too late to learn. In some ways, you appreciate it even more when you do find something special. Good luck!

[Luke Cage]

"Great. Congratulations on losing all that weight and getting a job. How much self-esteem do you think you have currently? Would you call yourself a confident person? Do you think other people think you're confident? Why or why not?"

 

My confidence is overall still low but steadily rising. The thing is that even though I'm still overweight, I'm not bothered by it and mostly comfortable with my body now. I still have social awkwardness but it's a work in progress that I'm attacking rather than shrinking from and for the first time for as long as I can remember, I'm actually thinking about asking someone out and imagining it going well.

 

It's just that first step is always hard to take and thinking that kids more than half my age are better at this than me doesn't make me feel good.

 

I don't know why but the idea of letting someone know I like them always terrified me, even if I'm fairly confident they felt the same way.

[preraph]

I think she might go out with you, and I think you should follow Mark's instructions to the T. You don't want to lose friendship in case she's not confident enough to date or feels that you are too "just friends" and his advice about if she rejects, just gloss over it and keep up the friendship and don't act wounded. I bet she'll go to dinner with you.

 

You do have to remember that she may have her eye on someone, though. A lot of times women lose weight because they do have a crush on someone and hope to get their interest (though that is unlikely to work).