Don't Google your ex, even if it's a long ago ex

[Piddy]

My wife and I recently were contacted by a coworker from many years ago. She found us using Google. Never thought of Googling anyone before. So I thought who am I curious about. My 4 ex girlfriends came to mind. Curious where they all ended up. Mind you I'm 64 years old and been married 38 years. So these are 'old' ex girlfriends.

 

So I looked them up and found them all. Three of the ex's were mutual breakups (no cheating etc.) where we both lost feelings for each other and went our separate ways. The remaining ex was a bad breakup. We lived together for most of 1976. She cheated on me and left me out of the blue, never saw it coming. No post breakup talk. Just discarded me and our puppy like we were trash.

 

Looking back the signs were there. Started to call and say she was working late. Personality change (unhappy, disagreeable, distant) new friends and then one night she never came home.

 

Worst feeling I ever had in my life. Felt like someone kicked me in the chest. Couldn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks. Eventually got over her and moved on. Two of the relationships I Googled were after her. They lasted a few months and like I mentioned we both mutually lost feelings for each other. The other was my high school girlfriend.

 

I had the strongest feelings for the ex that left me. It was love at first sight with her. For anyone who remembers the actress Katherine Ross (The Graduate) she looked like her. Anyway, two years after she left I get a call from her saying she missed me and wanted to meet and talk.

 

However, about a month before I'd met a girl who would eventually become my wife. So I told her I had no interest in seeing her. I've been with my wife going on 41 years (married 38). Haven't thought about that particular ex much in all that time.

 

Until now. Since Googling her I have thought about her everyday for the last 4 months. I couldn't understand it. Having both rational and irrational thoughts. A lot of 'what ifs' type thoughts. I knew I loved her a lot, but did not expect this type of a reaction.

 

I've done some research on this and it seems it's some sort of attachment trauma. Basically the buried feelings and hurt from her were reopened by me Googling her. Rationally I know I made the right decision by choosing my wife over her, but the intrusive thoughts keep coming.

 

It's crazy because I haven't had a relationship with this ex in 43 years and I'm stunned by my mind seemingly being obsessed with her this many years later. I guess this proves that true love never really does die. It might get buried with other feelings and life experiences, but it's there lying dormant, until something triggers it.

 

Then Pandora's box gets opened up. All the memories from 40 plus years ago are like they were yesterday. So, my advice is if you're thinking about Googling an ex even if it's a long ago ex, think twice. It may not be a good idea at all. For me it was a terrible idea. Wished I'd never done it. Let sleeping dogs lie as they say.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Piddy

[Beendaredonedat]

I guess this proves that true love never really does die.

Uhm, this was far from "true love" True love doesn't die that is why you've been with your WIFE for four decades, dude.

 

Quit with the romanticizing the skank who dumped you like yesterday's sushi and you'll be just fine.

[The Outlaw]

Since she treated you like trash, you didn't miss anything. I know that some people are unforgettable, but she's very much worth forgetting. I'm not trying to be cold, but people that wrong us aren't very likely to give us a second thought. Easier said than done, but brush it off the best you can and move on. It's been a long time.

[FMW]

You said you've thought of her over the years. What were those thoughts?

 

Maybe you really did love her and have never gotten over it. Or maybe what you are reliving is the shock and gut punch that came with her cheating on you and dumping you. Maybe that's what you need to process - not the thought that this was true love.

 

I would be very careful about romanticizing what you're feeling right now.

 

Maybe you are feeling some normal "what if" thoughts that are normal as we go through the various stages of life. Maybe you're having a little late mid-life crisis episode.

 

You don't say (other than to say you made the right decision choosing your wife) if you feel satisfied and happy with your life with your wife. If you were feeling a little blah about things (which can be normal and transitory) you might have latched on to this memory of the old girlfriend because it livened things up a bit.

[preraph]

Some of it just has to do with the time in your life, when you were young and things were exciting and passions were high, and some of what you miss is just that. In reality, at your age (I'm about that age too), a relationship of that energy and ups and downs would probably just be too much and wear you out!

 

I kept a journal all those years ago and I get very sentimental reading it and am always in love again, but then I just tell myself "Keep reading."

[vla1120]

I think the only reason you're feeling this way is NOT because she was a "true love", but because you were rejected by her, and it's hard to deal with rejection. You've lived a long and (presumably) happy life with your wife. Don't cloud the present with thoughts of someone who dumped you decades ago. She's not worth the time you are spending thinking about her. How would your wife feel if she knew you were having these longing feelings for someone from your past? She might be hurt, and I doubt you would intentionally hurt her like that.

[chillii]

Jesus , hth did you find out details like that , on the internet ?

What is this stuff doing on the internet how does such personal shyt even get onto it in the first place.

l don;t understand all this stuff.

l mean how would my divorce and what happened , get onto the internet, l sure as hell didn't write my full name somewhere and all the details of my marriage break up.

 

l was trying to find the address of someone once and l didn't see anything like that about her. The only thing l found was all the other people with her name, but for her, who she worked for , and a few previous addresses.

There was no way to even tell if the latest address was even her, or just one of the others with her name.

Let alone details of her marriage break up and personal crap like that.

l don't get how the hell you find the stuff you did on someone , let alone 4 of them.

 

l also tried to look up an ex gf from 25yrs ago , couldn't find anything , there was one maybe that might've been her but l couldn't even tell for sure.

But the only reason l could see that even came up was because she had a government job.

But all that said was ex's name - or someone else of her name , there was 4 of them, and in her area that is, works for such and such.

That was it. Nothing about marriages or life let alone wth they broke up and private things like that, there was nothing to tell me if l even had the right girl.

Edited November 1, 2019 by chillii

[FMW]

hth did you find out details like that

 

I don't see where the OP stated specific information located by googling, just that he "found" them. The details he gave were from his personal experience with them at the time.

 

The information generally available on the internet is addresses, property records (which might show joint ownership), and places of employment through sites like LinkedIn.

 

I do general searches all the time for work in locating people, and yes, I've looked for personal reasons a few times. Not a lot of detail on free sites, but enough to get your thoughts occupied if you start remembering someone from your past.

[Piddy]

Uhm, this was far from "true love" True love doesn't die that is why you've been with your WIFE for four decades, dude.

 

Quit with the romanticizing the skank who dumped you like yesterday's sushi and you'll be just fine.

 

Easier said than done. From what I've read it should go away on it's own, but could take a few months. Believe me I've tried to find out what this is all about.

 

Some people you never get over, but don't realize it. By Googling her my brain needed to process new information which stirred up all the old memories. That's the best way I can describe it.

[Piddy]

Since she treated you like trash, you didn't miss anything. I know that some people are unforgettable, but she's very much worth forgetting. I'm not trying to be cold, but people that wrong us aren't very likely to give us a second thought. Easier said than done, but brush it off the best you can and move on. It's been a long time.

 

It has been a long time. And that has a lot to do with it I suppose. The older we get the more nostalgic we get. And I realize I'm remembering a ghost of a girl who was 18 and is now 61. Doesn't make any sense to me either.

 

If I hadn't Googled her she be buried in my memory, but once I Googled her that memory file was turned loose in my brain. Going to take awhile from what I understand to get those files back where they belong.

[Piddy]

You said you've thought of her over the years. What were those thoughts?

 

Maybe you really did love her and have never gotten over it. Or maybe what you are reliving is the shock and gut punch that came with her cheating on you and dumping you. Maybe that's what you need to process - not the thought that this was true love.

 

I would be very careful about romanticizing what you're feeling right now.

 

Maybe you are feeling some normal "what if" thoughts that are normal as we go through the various stages of life. Maybe you're having a little late mid-life crisis episode.

 

You don't say (other than to say you made the right decision choosing your wife) if you feel satisfied and happy with your life with your wife. If you were feeling a little blah about things (which can be normal and transitory) you might have latched on to this memory of the old girlfriend because it livened things up a bit.

 

Didn't think of her or the others very much except if a song or something else reminded me of that time with them. Again, it's the Googling of her that caused this. If her whereabouts etc. had remained unknown this never would've happened.

 

My wife and I are fine. She knows all about this. We have a very secure relationship.

[mark clemson]

And I realize I'm remembering a ghost of a girl who was 18 and is now 61. Doesn't make any sense to me either.

 

 

Yep. She will be a completely different person, who probably has very little or nothing to do with who she was then. I looked up some college and similar GFs (not quite as old as you, but still) and found they were just completely different people.

 

The "her" you remember is all in your head, really. IMO, let that guide how you process these feelings you've triggered.

[Piddy]

Jesus , hth did you find out details like that , on the internet ?

What is this stuff doing on the internet how does such personal shyt even get onto it in the first place.

l don;t understand all this stuff.

l mean how would my divorce and what happened , get onto the internet, l sure as hell didn't write my full name somewhere and all the details of my marriage break up.

 

l was trying to find the address of someone once and l didn't see anything like that about her. The only thing l found was all the other people with her name, but for her, who she worked for , and a few previous addresses.

There was no way to even tell if the latest address was even her, or just one of the others with her name.

Let alone details of her marriage break up and personal crap like that.

l don't get how the hell you find the stuff you did on someone , let alone 4 of them.

 

l also tried to look up an ex gf from 25yrs ago , couldn't find anything , there was one maybe that might've been her but l couldn't even tell for sure.

But the only reason l could see that even came up was because she had a government job.

But all that said was ex's name - or someone else of her name , there was 4 of them, and in her area that is, works for such and such.

That was it. Nothing about marriages or life let alone wth they broke up and private things like that, there was nothing to tell me if l even had the right girl.

 

Very easy. I knew their full / maiden names, ages, parents names, siblings names etc., and had an idea where to look (town / state). I also could figure out if they had children and what their ages were. Again, very easy to do and it was all free. It's all there you just need to know where to look.

 

Also, if you know what county they live in you can go to the registry of deeds and get info there as well. All it took was one evening and I probably know as much as if each of them had emailed me with a brief history of their life story from the last 40 plus years.

 

Three of them (including the bad breakup one) are still in the same county / state where I'm originally from (Barnstable, MA.). I'm retired and living 1500 miles away (FL.). The other was a little more work. She was from Illinois and it took a little detective work to find her. She lived in Wyoming and is now in Iowa.

 

She's been married a couple of times whereas the other three have just had one marriage each. You'd be surprised how much info you can get. Again, you just need to know where to look.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Piddy

[Piddy]

Yep. She will be a completely different person, who probably has very little or nothing to do with who she was then. I looked up some college and similar GFs (not quite as old as you, but still) and found they were just completely different people.

 

The "her" you remember is all in your head, really. IMO, let that guide how you process these feelings you've triggered.

 

It's funny, but she was somewhat promiscuous as a teen. But it looks like she's been married to the same guy for over 32 years with two grown children. So, it looks like she grew out of that behavior. Good for her as I always thought she was basically a decent person. She'd been sexually assaulted when she was 14 and her parents divorced around that time also.

 

Then there's a friend of my sister who we grew up with and she was a run around as a teen and never grew out of that behavior (serial cheater) and has been married 3 times and is currently single at age 62.

 

I've read where they used to think peoples brains were fully developed by the late teens, but now believe that in takes until the mid / late 20's to fully develop. And it's the frontal cortex that determines decision making and judgement that isn't fully developed. So for some, promiscuous behavior at a young age can be attributed to a brain not yet fully developed.

 

You never know. It's funny how random choices we make determine where we end up in life. For example if I hadn't gone to this particular club to see The Grassroots back in November 1978 I never would've met my wife.

 

If that had happened I would've been single when the ex called a month later and probably would've met with her. Who knows where I'd be and with whom it that scenario had happened.

 

It's also ironic that when the ex broke up with me I visited her mother and told her everything her daughter had done (i.e. the affair she was having was with a married with kids cop). When I left her mother said that she could see us back together in a couple of years and that her daughter needed some growing up to do. And it was just slightly over two years that she called.

 

So her mothers crystal ball prediction was pretty accurate.

Edited November 2, 2019 by Piddy

[mark clemson]

You never know. It's funny how random choices we make determine where we end up in life.

 

 

Indeed. You'll probably be with someone, but that someone depends on who you meet, what you do, etc. And of course a different someone in a LTR can lead to a completely different life.

 

Reminds me of one college GF I really really liked and was torn up over. I would have gladly stayed with her at the time. But when I looked at how she ended up with lots of problems and issues, ultimately including cancer, I realize losing her was (from a selfish perspective) for the best.

 

So I guess one never knows, really.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Good advice not to google exes, Piddy. Good news is those thoughts will be buried again at some point.

 

So wonderful that you're so happily married and that you have the wisdom to have shared this with your wife.

[Fair]

First of all, this has nothing to do with your ex. Nothing. You don't have lingering feelings for her. She just represents something that somewhere in your mind you think you needed that she denied to you. Attachment trauma is the word.

 

Don't feel bad. This isn't uncommon. As long as you recognize it's not really even about her and don't do something stupid like cheat, you're fine.

[Piddy]

I don't see where the OP stated specific information located by googling, just that he "found" them. The details he gave were from his personal experience with them at the time.

 

The information generally available on the internet is addresses, property records (which might show joint ownership), and places of employment through sites like LinkedIn.

 

I do general searches all the time for work in locating people, and yes, I've looked for personal reasons a few times. Not a lot of detail on free sites, but enough to get your thoughts occupied if you start remembering someone from your past.

 

Let me give an example of what's out there for free. Once you find the person, you can go to the registry of deeds for that county. Type in the name and all documents.

 

It will come up with any property they own and what was paid for that property and if they refinanced and how much etc..

 

I'll go into a little more detail. In my ex's case she and her husband bought her property in 1987. She didn't come from money and last I knew worked in a bank in the 80's.

 

So I typed in her mothers name in the registry of deeds and it showed she owned her house outright by her divorce in 1973. But it showed she refinanced her home in 1987. Logic would suggest she did this to help her daughter put up the down payment for her house.

 

It also showed that she died in 1994 at age 63 and my ex was the executrix for her estate and the house was sold for $100,000 in that same year.

 

Ironically that same house is worth over $800,000 today. It's on Cape Cod which is becoming like the Hampton's N.Y. where property is very expensive.

 

Also, once you find the person you're looking for several relatives pop up as well. It just takes some common sense to figure out who is the spouse and who are the children, siblings, parents etc..

 

It might sound like I'm a stalker, but I'm very detail oriented and once I get into something I'll keep going until there's nothing else to find. This info was all free , but you can use one of the pay sites to do background checks. I'm cheap so I found all I wanted to know for free.

 

It's crazy what's out there. A post my ex made recently to the police web site where she lives. I guess there were some dogs barking and she called the police and it turned out to be just some 'frisky' dogs and she praised the cops for protecting 'us mere mortals'. That's sounds so much like what she would say.

 

Plus she always had a soft spot for cops (jk.).

Edited November 2, 2019 by Piddy

[Fair]

hmmm. Yeah ok. This is sliding toward craziness, now.

[Piddy]

Good advice not to google exes, Piddy. Good news is those thoughts will be buried again at some point.

 

So wonderful that you're so happily married and that you have the wisdom to have shared this with your wife.

 

I wish I'd been given that advice before I did it. I do have a great wife. Thanks.

[Piddy]

First of all, this has nothing to do with your ex. Nothing. You don't have lingering feelings for her. She just represents something that somewhere in your mind you think you needed that she denied to you. Attachment trauma is the word.

 

Don't feel bad. This isn't uncommon. As long as you recognize it's not really even about her and don't do something stupid like cheat, you're fine.

 

I mentioned attachment trauma earlier. Read all about. Had never heard of it before. Never knew the brain worked like that. It's almost like PTSD thing.

[Piddy]

hmmm. Yeah ok. This is sliding toward craziness, now.

 

Not really. Just explaining what you can find and how. I knew her mother and wondered if she was still alive. That's how all that started. I guess it all depends how curious you are. Maybe I missed my calling. Should've been a private detective.

Edited November 2, 2019 by Piddy

[Piddy]

First of all, this has nothing to do with your ex. Nothing. You don't have lingering feelings for her. She just represents something that somewhere in your mind you think you needed that she denied to you. Attachment trauma is the word.

 

Don't feel bad. This isn't uncommon. As long as you recognize it's not really even about her and don't do something stupid like cheat, you're fine.

 

Once you've been cheated on you never would want to inflict that kind of pain onto someone you love. So, I would never cheat.

[Piddy]

Some of it just has to do with the time in your life, when you were young and things were exciting and passions were high, and some of what you miss is just that. In reality, at your age (I'm about that age too), a relationship of that energy and ups and downs would probably just be too much and wear you out!

 

I kept a journal all those years ago and I get very sentimental reading it and am always in love again, but then I just tell myself "Keep reading."

 

Yup. Wouldn't want all that drama etc.. Also, my sister recently sent me some old pictures she found and one was a picture my ex took of me and our puppy sitting in my lap at the house we rented. Just that picture alone brought back a bunch of memories.

 

I think we do get more nostalgic and more sentimental as we get older. The 70's were a big decade for me when I was 15-25 (age). A lot happens in those years of your life.

 

And I think what happens is your brain doesn't assign a time and date stamp to the memories. So these old memories are as vivid as yesterdays memories.

[chillii]

Very easy. I knew their full / maiden names, ages, parents names, siblings names etc., and had an idea where to look (town / state). I also could figure out if they had children and what their ages were. Again, very easy to do and it was all free. It's all there you just need to know where to look.

 

Also, if you know what county they live in you can go to the registry of deeds and get info there as well. All it took was one evening and I probably know as much as if each of them had emailed me with a brief history of their life story from the last 40 plus years.

 

Three of them (including the bad breakup one) are still in the same county / state where I'm originally from (Barnstable, MA.). I'm retired and living 1500 miles away (FL.). The other was a little more work. She was from Illinois and it took a little detective work to find her. She lived in Wyoming and is now in Iowa.

 

She's been married a couple of times whereas the other three have just had one marriage each. You'd be surprised how much info you can get. Again, you just need to know where to look.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah right .

l had that basic stuff on the two l tried to find but what l was saying was all l find really.

 

Lots of sites popped up claiming to have the nits and bolts if l paid to join, dunno what they'd have.