Samxox Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Long time reader but first time poster. I really need some help and perspective to move on from the huge mess I am in. I’m in so much pain and can’t go on like this. This is my story as briefly as possible. 5 years ago I had an affair with a MM, it lasted about a year and we had multiple Ddays during that time. We went NC and he ended up divorced and my husband and I stayed together to work on things. We both have children. That brings us to today, about 9 months ago he contacted me out of the blue to see how I was going. We talked for a couple of months and then began a physical affair again. I love my husband and my family and I’m so proud we managed to put the affair behind us last time. I don’t know why I am doing this again. It’s like he just has this power over me and I can’t say no. He’s not even that nice to me and has made it clear this is just sex and he doesn’t want to be together in a relationship. I know I need to end it before I ruin everyones life but I just can’t walk away. I feel so bad his marriage ended because of what we did and I feel a sense of obligation to him. I’m lying and hurting everyone I love but I just can’t stop. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I know this won’t end well, please help me end this. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I don’t know why I am doing this again. It’s like he just has this power over me and I can’t say no. He’s not even that nice to me and has made it clear this is just sex... No one has "power" over you. The addiction or whatever you choose to call it comes ultimately from your own brain. This is why people can sometimes be "in love" with people who they hardly know. Possibly you have limerence, which can function like an addiction, or possibly there is something else going on. You sound smart and I'm sure you realize there's unlikely to be a second chance on the next DD. I would strongly suggest IC to help you sort this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samxox Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 I’m not smart, or I wouldn’t be back here again. My husband would definitely leave me, without a doubt and I couldn’t go through another DD. The thought of it makes me feel sick. I’m not even enjoying what we are doing, it’s nice when we see each other but I’m a mess the rest of the time. I will go back into counselling. I just don’t know what she can tell me that I haven’t already been told. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Please tell your husband what you’re doing again and grant him the mercy of a divorce. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) You have been down this road before, and yet it does not appear to have learned from past mistakes.Your comment that he has some kind of “power” over you indicates to me that you have not learned to take responsibility for your own decisions. This kind of statement conveniently absolves you from any responsibility or accountability for your own actions. I’m sorry to say, nobody is going to buy that here. Your husband gave you the gift of reconciliation, and you have foolishly squandered it. So, I’m curious - what kind of advice are you hoping to find here? Because it seems to me you have two choices - end it immediately with your OM, or tell your husband and begin the process of divorce. Your decision. Edited November 2, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ravensglen Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 ((HUGS)) It sounds you have an addiction to this, desperately want to stop, but compulsively keep going back the affair. Are there any codependents anonymous meetings near you? CoDA.org Meeting with other people who have codependency issues is very helpful. The people pleasing (being with your OM out of guilt/obligation when you desperately want to stop) is something that you can find healing from these sort of meetings. It’s invaluable to hear others stories and feel the camaraderie that other people are suffering from similar things, too. You can change! It’s hard to change ingrained behavior. But as others have suggested IC would be good too Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Because it seems to me you have two choices - end it immediately with your OM, or tell your husband and begin the process of divorce. Your decision. Bailey, I vote for Option #3 - end the affair and then tell your husband, he needs to know who heÂ’s married to. After he divorces you, therapy to understand some obviously self-destructive choices... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Bailey, I vote for Option #3 - end the affair and then tell your husband, he needs to know who heÂ’s married to. I know. I just think it’s doubtful that this would be the choice... Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Tell your husband and I am pretty sure everything will end. Your affair and your marriage will both end. Your husband does not deserve what you are doing to him. Don't say you love husband, because you don't or you would not be doing what you are doing. The only thing you love about your husband is the security and home life he provides for you. Your real love is in the bed with your AP. You have done so much wrong, now do something right. Tell your husband, let him go and then you can continue your life of NSA sex with your AP. I do wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 As long as you act as if you have no control you will continue. But let's be honest, you are doing exactly what you want to be, it's not the affair you dont want it's the consequences of the affair. Which makes what your doing worse because you know what lays ahead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 There are many paths to take derived from your post. At first, I wondered if something traumatic had happened to you in the past that was making you vulnerable. Then I thought - maybe it’s the common ability of cheaters to compartmentalize. They are one person in one environment and a different person in another. They want to be both, but circumstances demand they choose. I do detect a dichotomy in that I hear two voices in your post. One states profound love for their family and the other voice meekly complains about the occult power attributed to the OM. I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. You know why you are having an affair, but you won’t put it down on paper or share it with us. You talk about love for your husband but what about respect? That does seem lacking and wouldn’t real love engender respect? When you reconciled with you husband the first time - did you suffer any consequences? I’m not referring to embarrassment or “damn, how did I get caught?” Did he demand that you do the heavy lifting to get the marriage back on course? Did he file for divorce? Did he kick you out? Or, did he make it so easy for you that you lost respect for him as a man and the seed was planted that you can get away with this. I don’t see any respect. If there was, you would tell your husband that he is in an open relationship so he could share in the benefits thereof. Maybe he can find someone who will cast a spell on him and then claim that although he loves you, he just can’t walk away. That he feels an obligation. Perhaps he will choose to divorce or throw himself at your feet and claim he can't live without you. My suggestion is to divorce and give this good man a chance to find a real wife. It is what respect Is all about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I'm sure it's not easy for you to admit the situation, knowing that you'd be subject to tough love and criticisms. ((HUGS)) to you, given that sense of desperation in your post. There are some solid advice already. I'd suggest that you: 1. End things with your MM immediately. 2. Go to IC and get some professional help. 3. Tell your H the truth at some point. This is entirely up to you. We all have to face up the consequence of our own actions (which means that even if you don't tell, you will have to live with the guilt of what you've done forever). IMHO, your husband deserves to know the truth, but to each his/her own. 4. No need to consider divorce (I doubt that's what you want). Your H will make that decision when he learns the truth. If you are not sure what to talk about with your therapist, some suggestions: - Do you want to be with the MM? What is it about him that's missing in your life? - Was there consequences from the last DDay? Was any self work done then to figure out what happened? An affair is often of symptom of other issues. Did you figure what they were? Were you still unhappy after reconciliation? - Since you brought it up in your first post, discuss how guilt may have affected your decision making. I might add that guilt is a powerful emotion and it is a double-edge sword. In your case, it might have led you down the path of keeping in touch with your MM knowing that you've helped, in part, to destroy his marriage. Just as equally, it can also keep people stuck in unhappy marriages or unhealthy situations for years and years, for the guilt of hurting a partner or kids, etc. - Discuss why there had been multiple DDay last time, which indicates that you had gone back over and over again? (I know that one DDay is devastating enough. I can't imagine having multiple). But if nothing had changed, then old habits die hard. It may all be too little too late, but still do this for you. It's really hard, but you have to dig deep. Understand your weaknesses so you don't keep making the same mistakes in future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Definitely talk to a counselor about this. But in the meantime, what are you getting from being with this other man? Be brutally honest with yourself about why you keep seeing him. Don't hide it under "He has this power over me". As others have said, you are giving him this power. So ask yourself why. Is this the only man you've ever been so tempted by? Is there something specific about him, what he represents, or if there have been others then why do you feel the need to connect to another man in general? As for your marriage, also be brutally honest with yourself. It takes more than loving each other to make a marriage work. Are you always going to be seeking something/someone else? Maybe your marriage is lacking something important for you, or maybe you aren't capable of being faithful to anyone. Ask yourself the hard questions and don't let yourself get away with just saying "he has this power over me". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I love my husband and my family and I’m so proud we managed to put the affair behind us last time. I’m afraid you seem compulsively self-centered. Even your post starts with “I’m in so much pain” when, in reality, the true cost is born by those around you. Perhaps OP, you’re simply better off not being married? Some people just can’t carry the weight of the expectations of others... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to your husband and putting you at risk for STDs? Please don't say how much you love your husband. Your actions show just the opposite. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Your actions clearly show how much you disrespect and humiliate your husband and Your actions clearly show how much you do not love your husband. Your actions show the exact opposite. You feel you have an obligation to the OM but apparently this obligation is more important than the obligation you have to your husband and marriage. I agree with a previous poster who said inform your husband and let him divorce you and find a woman who is able to love and respect him since you clearly do not and your actions prove it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Are you sure you aren't holding on to your marriage for security and stability? My xH was repeatedly unfaithful to me, said he loved me (I believe that, but his ability to love was limited), and was "devastated" when I chose to divorce. I think the devastation came from losing stability, security, a sense of belonging and home and family. But that wasn't enough to keep him faithful. He needed something (emotionally) that he didn't find with me (is my analysis) and so was looking for it in other women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 You have no boundaries. Obviously you love the affair more than your marriage or you wouldn't have made the choice to do it again. Words just don't mean much Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Are you really trying to say you're cheating on your husband because your last affair with this MM cost him his marriage and you feel guilty. Really? You don't love your husband, at least treat him with the minimum respect and tell him. Give him the agency in his own life to make his own decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 op, I often don't have a lot of patience with infidelity, but there is something almost self destructive here. At first, I thought it was just overblown drama, but I do think there's something more. Why don't you like yourself? I ask you that because people who like themselves don't usually feel as powerless as you say you do. Are you punishing yourself? Do you not believe you should have a happy some life? Are you subconsciously sabotaging yourself? I don't know the answers to any of that, and it could be you don't either. I do know that there is a really high chance that being in your marriage is not where you should be right now, for your own sake, and that of your husband and kids. None of this makes you a bad person, but this behavior is very destructive. You say you can't stop, and if that's true, then I think you can see how unhealthy all of this is for you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Hi Sam, Get IC now, exercise and try to love yourself. You knew what was going to happen when you reconnected to the OM. You know what was going to happen when you met up. Unfortunately you knew how it would affect your BS. Respect yourself, but I feel you are upset that the OM did D and you remained in R. Now your subconscious is telling you you need to D to level the pain equally in both marriages. Tell BS now, D and make it as easy as possible for him. Good Luck and support your BS. He has the right to know. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 You can stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbows Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 Ive only skimmed this post, but raising the point whereby you say you feel sorry that your affair caused a divorce/broken home - it appears that sorry is just a word for you here or you would have learnt from those (repeated) mistakes/choices. The guilt of that should surely be enough to keep you away from conducting an affair again. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I love my husband and my family No you don't I don’t know why I am doing this again. Yes you do Please divorce your husband, he deserves so much more Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 Pretty good chance op has left the building. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I will go back into counselling. I just don’t know what she can tell me that I haven’t already been told. Maybe consider a new counselor if the current one isn't helping you enough? Link to post Share on other sites
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