JamesA721 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Ive been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. The next sentence is going to make you guys judge me but I will be honest. He cheated on his ex gf of 8 years with me. He found out and they broke up. I’m now with him and I’m so in love with him. They hadn’t spoken in forever like almost a year. She sent him a Facebook message basically saying that she’s was sorry for the mean things she did say when they broke up and that she realizes they weren’t meant for eachother. And that they were toxic for eachother. He responded basically trying to argue with her about the past. Asking her why she did this or that. She didn’t respond so a few hours later he messages her again saying “and if you didn’t do that 8’ sorry then” I was confused he even got upset because he was always straight up about never wanting to talk to her again and how he hates her. So I would expect him to ignore a message from her or block her. Not only did he approve her message on fb messenger but she’s not blocked meaning they can message eachother now freely. She messaged him back today saying “I’m not sure what you’re referencing I was only apologizing for what happened between us in the past. Anything that is currently happening has nothing to do with me” and he didn’t respond.... he doesn’t know I saw this message but I do feel uneasy about them speaking. And I’m shocked he got so upset by her getting her closure. And idk what to think of her response.... she seemed cold.... I feel very uneasy about this!!!!! I can’t barely think
basil67 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 This has all been triggered by the fact that he hates her. The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference. For him to hate her, it means he still has a lot of unresolved emotions swirling around in his head. He's not done processing it. And human reactions to things aren't always logical. 1
Author JamesA721 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 This has all been triggered by the fact that he hates her. The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference. For him to hate her, it means he still has a lot of unresolved emotions swirling around in his head. He's not done processing it. And human reactions to things aren't always logical. Yeah but.... he left her. She didn’t want to break up and he chose to be with me
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Yeah but.... he left her. She didn’t want to break up and he chose to be with me So? That doesn't mean he is devoid of all feelings for her. He obviously isn't, or he wouldn't be expressing to you how he "hates" her and he wouldn't have reacted to her messages the way he has now. It seems you have been reassuring yourself with this notion that if he left her he must be in love with you and thus you have nothing to worry about, but you're seeing it's not quite that cut and dried. People who cheat and monkey-branch into new relationships are often not the type of truly resolve their feelings about their past before burying themselves in the new relationship. Some are truly emotionally checked-out, yes, while others cheat because they're bored and want some excitement - only to find out the excitement dies when they actually start a legitimate relatonship with their affair partner. Either way, this isn't a good sign. I am not sure why you're so shocked that someone you know is capable of deception and poor behaviour is now being shady with you. 2
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 So? That doesn't mean he is devoid of all feelings for her. He obviously isn't, or he wouldn't be expressing to you how he "hates" her and he wouldn't have reacted to her messages . He didn’t respond to her when she said “I’m not sure what you’re referencing. I was only apologizing for things from a year ago. Anything currently happening has nothing to do with me” which was puzzling cause I felt she was cold on purpose
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Eight years is a long time. Few get over that in a short time, whether they are the dumper or the dumpee. He probably got bored, cheated with you, then found himself in a new relationship with you. I am not sure why he would "hate" her when he was the person "at fault"? BUT cheaters often manufacture "hate" for their partner in order to justify stepping out. It makes them feel better about themselves, they are no longer the bad guy... in their minds, "She is a horrible person, she deserved to be cheated on..." The OW feels smug and secure, "He loves me, he hates her": they bond over that "hate"... It is also true that hate is very close to love, and he is not over her if he continues to hate her... Yes, you "won" him but what have you actually won? You chose a man who was still involved with a gf to love, yes he eventually chose you, but he had no time to really sort out his emotions. Now she is back in touch, you are unnerved, you can't trust him to be true to you... It is the downside to getting involved with cheating men... 1
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 @elaine idk maybe he hasn’t resolved his feelings for her but he didn’t respond when she said that anything currently happening has nothing to do with her. I am just surprised that he approved her to message him on Facebook. Like it boggles me that they can openly message eachother
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I am just surprised that he approved her to message him on Facebook. Like it boggles me that they can openly message eachother It boggles you as you would rather they remain "enemies" Block each other and never see each other again. You assumed he would want nothing to do with her. But that does not seem to be his intention. You assumed wrongly.
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 It boggles you as you would rather they remain "enemies" Block each other and never see each other again. You assumed he would want nothing to do with her. But that does not seem to be his intention. You assumed wrongly. Yes ): and also do you think him not responding to her is an indication that he doesn’t want to talk to her? Did you read what I said she said?
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I got the "“I’m not sure what you’re referencing I was only apologizing for what happened between us in the past. Anything that is currently happening has nothing to do with me”" What did he say prior to that? Sounds like he brought up something "current" to her?
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Sounds like he brought up something "current" to her? That's what I was thinking. Are you sure you saw all the messaging? As has been said, you don't "hate" people unless you still have strong emotions for them, and hate isn't the opposite of love. It's unresolved feelings. As for her purposely being cold to him - why not? He cheated on her and left her. Even if she thought she could handle friendly messaging she probably realized it wasn't going to work after she reached out and he responded the way he did. Unfortunately you know he acted shady when he was with her, so it's not unexpected for him to act shady in your relationship. 1
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 @elaine @findingmyownway he didn’t show me. I have my ways of seeing them. But I’ll just give you the full dialogue so it’s more understood Her: (long apology for her behavior/kinda closure) Him: why do you having my stuff deleted!????? Just let me live please!!!!! *verbatim down to all the symbols lol* (when they broke up she had his Instagram deleted because she was highly pissed. Her:says nothing Him: *two hours later* and if it’s not you I’m sorry then Her: *two DAYS later* I’m not sure what you’re referencing as far as deleting but I was only apologizing for MY part for things we’ve discussed several times over a year ago. Anything currently happening has nothing to do with me” Him: says nothing
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Judging from content on Loveshack on the subject, seems like what the guys who have been cheated on or broken up with want most is to think that the ex is still sitting around regretting what she did, whether that was cheating or breaking it off with him. I have seen so many on here say that like to think she will regret it some day. And they all want to also think she misses them sexually if nothing else, for that validation. So he's hoping to get some sort of validation out of this, hoping she's miserable without him, hoping she would like to have sex with him again to make himself feel better. I would just say if the communication continues, they could end up having an affair. Sounds unlikely either could set aside resentment enough to have a lasting relationship. But thing is how you met him is how you'll lose him. He cheated on her with you and he'll cheat on you with whoever is next up to bat. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I don't really get what is "currently happening" - do you know what she is talking about? Anyway, I can't fathom how them messaging each other boggles you, OP. You knew the deal with this guy from the beginning. He's not one to operate with an intact moral compass. Forgive me for being blunt, but you come across as quite naive about how cheaters operate. None of this should shock you. But you're not that shocked if we're being real here, are you? You're somehow reading his messages without his knowledge. That is a big clue that you don't trust him and are keeping a close eye on him - you knew what you signed up for and evidently resort to some form of snooping to ease your anxiety that he might one day cheat on you, too. 2
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 She sounds reasonable and gracious, given how the relationship ended. He sounds like a jerk (again - given how the relationship ended). Just don't let your being "so in love with him" get in the way of your intuition and ability to see things clearly. I think you are right to be uneasy. Just keep your eyes open. 3
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 I don't really get what is "currently happening" - do you know what she is talking about? Anyway, I can't fathom how them messaging each other boggles you, OP. You knew the deal with this guy from the beginning. He's not one to operate with an intact moral compass. Forgive me for being blunt, but you come across as quite naive about how cheaters operate. None of this should shock you. But you're not that shocked if we're being real here, are you? You're somehow reading his messages without his knowledge. That is a big clue that you don't trust him and are keeping a close eye on him - you knew what you signed up for and evidently resort to some form of snooping to ease your anxiety that he might one day cheat on you, too. She was saying currently happening because he accused her again saying why are you deleting my stuff lol
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 And nothing of his has been deleted since they broke up btw lol
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 He cheated on her with you. Thus you know he's a cheater & a liar. He may have told you he broke up with her but given his penchant for dishonesty, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Then again why he did what he did at the beginning of the relationship has no bearing on what he's doing now. What he's doing now is playing with fire. If he was out & randomly bumped into her, him being civil would be no big deal. Him purposefully reaching out through social media to stay connected to her is an affront to your relationship. This looks like the beginning of the end to me. 2
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 He cheated on her with you. Thus you know he's a cheater & a liar. He may have told you he broke up with her but given his penchant for dishonesty, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Then again why he did what he did at the beginning of the relationship has no bearing on what he's doing now. What he's doing now is playing with fire. If he was out & randomly bumped into her, him being civil would be no big deal. Him purposefully reaching out through social media to stay connected to her is an affront to your relationship. This looks like the beginning of the end to me. She reached out first and he didn’t respond after her last message
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 She reached out first and he didn’t respond after her last message So then what's the problem, exactly? 1
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 So then what's the problem, exactly? Did you read their dialogue? My problem is how upset he got. How he accused her of still doing something that I know she isn’t doing. Only to apologize a few hours later because she didn’t respond. My problem is that he approved her messaging him period. You have to approve Facebook when you aren’t friends and they aren’t friends on there. The way she is spoken about, I would assume he doesn’t want to speak to her at all.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Did you read their dialogue? My problem is how upset he got. How he accused her of still doing something that I know she isn’t doing. Yes, I did. We have offered our opinion that he has unfinished emotional business with her. My point in asking what the problem is that you seem to refute posters' cautions about this guy, and you appear to be trying to justify it by reminding us that she reached out first and he didn't respond to her. I meant only to draw your attention to the apparent contradictions in your own feelings about this. 2
Author JamesA721 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Yes, I did. We have offered our opinion that he has unfinished emotional business with her. My point in asking what the problem is that you seem to refute posters' cautions about this guy, and you appear to be trying to justify it by reminding us that she reached out first and he didn't respond to her. I just have anxiety that he’s still in love with her
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I just have anxiety that he’s still in love with her And your anxiety is well founded. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I just have anxiety that he’s still in love with her I think that's what most of us are trying to point out to you: your anxiety isn't baseless. I would be worried if were you, too.
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