Ow became His Wife Now OW with a MM

[ScrambledEgg]

New to forum and first post. I used to post in GloryB almost a long long long time ago.

 

Looking for a new place to just let my secrets out.

 

My now husband, was a MM, and I was his OW for a couple years. What was supposed to be a one night fling, led to an affair that lasted a couple years until I realized I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Now after almost 20 years from the start of our relationship, I've found myself in a full fledged affair with another MM.

 

I don't want to leave my husband but I'm also tired of coming second in his life to drinking. MM and I are pretty clear that neither of us want anything beyond an affair. I would NEVER want to be involved in that process of being with someone going through a divorce and all the dynamics with the kids.

 

I realize that i'm in love with the feeling of being in lust. I've had emotional affairs in the past but always ghosted them when it seemed like it was going to get physical. This time it was different. I took a leap because he was looking for the same things I was and I really wanted that passion back in my life. Just to feel good and happy with him. I don't feel as guilty as I thought I would feel. I just feel more resentment towards my husband because he takes me for granted.

 

I do feel like i'm using MM and have made myself more infatuated with him than I would have been if we both were single. He's head over heels for me like my husband was when we were together.

 

Looks wise, they are both extremely good-looking but my husband hands down is sexier in every way. I think sex is important in a marriage but ever since I started this affair 3 weeks ago, I haven't slept with my husband and find myself turned off by him at times.

 

MM had a long term affair a few years ago that he had to end because the OW wanted him to leave his W.

 

MM also spoils me. H is a hard worker and my life is very comfortable and I get what I want as long as we can afford it. We aren't rich by any means. I also make a decent wage. But it's nice to have someone want to do things for you.

When I was younger most guys like that had serious issues if he wasn't really old or gross.

 

If my husband stopped drinking and did a 180, I would end this tomorrow.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like your husband needs AA. Maybe it's time to insist that he go? If you really care for him, you could/should end the affair while he gets help.

 

I realize this is probably all easier said than done, but it sounds like that's the answer?

[ScrambledEgg]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I've been down that road at least 10 times and various family interventions. I'm exhausted. I've left a few times over the years, he gets some help or goes to AA, stops for a few months and rinse and repeat. I've realized leaving isn't any good if I'm going to give in and come back. Once our youngest graduates I'll make plans for then.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[BaileyB]

Once our youngest graduates I'll make plans for then.

 

It seems like a good plan for me... Just not sure why you are waiting, if you are decided.

[ScrambledEgg]

I'm scared that I will just go back to him because I love him so much. I know he loves me but obviously not enough to make a life change for the better.

 

Also, our kids/youngest doesn't want us to split.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[DOLS]

Sorry but, I believe it is better for your children if you two will just divorce. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who often have an affair (be it emotional or physical) can also be tiring for the kids.

 

 

 

IMO, you are no longer in love with your husband no longer love him as much as what you are saying...

 

 

 

Do you work or do you rely on him financially?

[ScrambledEgg]

Wow, where do I begin. I have no one to talk to about what happened and it's made me emotionally sick.

 

MM claimed and progressed his love for me. I thought he was genuine as he seemed do open, honest and direct.

 

We met for us to spend an hour together. We were in a park and he knows I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual in a car. In the beginning he was super understanding and said he would never want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up giving him a BJ once in the car because it was super dark and no other cars near by. I'm not a prude, it's just with both of us being married, my anxiety wouldn't let me relax and enjoy it. This time h kept asking over and over again. I'm a grown woman who somehow turned into a 16 year old girl who would give into her BJ's pressure because she somehow felt bad. After about 15 mins of me being stupid for staying I gave in and started to. I started to feel uncomfortable and paranoid and wasn't enjoying it. I also keot

[ScrambledEgg]

Eta: I accidentally hit send before I got a chance to proofread.

For some reason it wouldn't let me edit.

 

Wow, where do I begin. I have no one to talk to about what happened and it's made me emotionally sick.

 

MM claimed and proffessed his love for me. I thought he was genuine as he seemed so open, honest, and direct.

 

We met up to spend an hour together. We were in a park and he knows I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual in a car. In the beginning he was super understanding and said he would never want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up giving him a BJ once in the car because it was super dark and no other cars were near by. I'm not a prude, it's just with both of us being married, my anxiety wouldn't let me relax and enjoy it. This time he kept asking over and over again. I'm a grown woman who some how turned into a 16 year old girl who would give into her BF's pressure because she somehow felt bad. After about 15 mins of me being stupid for staying, I gave in and started to. I started to feel uncomfortable and paranoid and wasn't enjoying it. I kept almost gagging and then would look up to make sure no one was coming. He would then ease my head back into it. After while, he put his hand on my head, I tried again a little bit longer but felt sick with the whole situation and now felt like I wanted to throw up. So I stopped, I apologized and said I need to stop. He kept looking at me in disbelief and saying "are you serious!? I was so close". He said it at least 5 times and I was in complete disgust at how he was making me feel. I wanted to get my stuff and treck back to my vehicle.

 

Anyway, I feel disgusted with myself for turning into a child and not sticking up for myself. I felt mortified that it took that moment to see exactly what everything was.

 

He brought me back to my car. I don't think he got the full scope of what he just did to me. I couldn't look at him as I got out his vehicle and decided I don't ever want to see or speak to him again.

 

I blocked his contacts from my phone.

 

Now I'm laying in bed with a world of emotions and crying off and on.

 

I was sexual abused when I was younger.

 

I also thought guys trying to have sex with you when you didn't want to was just how things worked until a few years ago. It wasn't until after I was married and my husband would stay stuff like "I wanted to have sex with but you fell asleep". I would reply in confusion as to why he didn't just have sex with me. He said would just give me a puzzled look.

 

I feel horrible.

Edited November 25, 2019 by ScrambledEgg

[ScrambledEgg]

Sorry but, I believe it is better for your children if you two will just divorce. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who often have an affair (be it emotional or physical) can also be tiring for the kids.

 

 

 

IMO, you are no longer in love with your husband no longer love him as much as what you are saying...

 

 

 

Do you work or do you rely on him financially?

 

I would be able to budget/downsize and live without him.

[mark clemson]

Sorry that you went through this, SE.

[jah526]

Sorry that happened. Something similar happened to me. He grabbed my neck and pushed me down on him. At least you were smart enough to end it after that. It took me a full year afterwards to extricate myself.

 

There’s a saying around here... something like it’s all wonderful until Prince Charming wants a blowjob. I think that encapsulates what a lot of these men really want, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get it. Maybe the wife doesn’t want to anymore or maybe he has a hard time seeing the mother of his kids that way.

 

All in all though, another very good reason to stay away from MM. I think a lot of the time these guys are very good actors and it can be difficult to distinguish truth from fiction, and even more so if you are vulnerable due to life circumstances. In my case, my mother was dying, I was having a difficult time at work, and I was lonely. He knew all this, and still, he did what he did. These guys, fundamentally, are cold as ice.

[ScrambledEgg]

@jah526

I'm sorry you had to experience that.

Your post is rings so true. It's scary.

 

It's so weird for me now that I'm older and even went into therapy for a lot of unwanted sexual stuff I had to deal with...and it was in the past. I thought I was smarter/stronger and would never give up my power again.

 

Just such a dehumanizing feeling to think someone cared for you but would suck out your spirit for their personal pleasure.

Edited November 26, 2019 by ScrambledEgg

[ajequals]

what happened to you was terrible. I'm glad you got out of that relationship. no one should treat a woman that way. I hope this allows you to center on what's important. I think you need to give an ultimatum to your husband or just move on ..find someone that respects you ..you also need to respect yourself ,your worth ..If you don't mind mer asking what is your age?

[vla1120]

I'm sorry you went through that with the MM. No matter how old you get, those types of triggers can take you right back to moment you were abused. I'm glad you blocked him.

 

Concerning your husband, have you ever given him a serious ultimatum? Perhaps he has not taken this seriously because you always come back. Maybe you could either tell him to move out, or you move out with your kids and tell him you will come back when he is sober and agrees to stay in a sobriety program. Maybe you could also go to al-anon (or a therapist) to find some support for yourself, as well.

[pepperbird]

In your shoes, hard as it may be, i would leave. a committed relationship may not be the best fit for you right now. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

In the meantime, you may want to consider starting some therapy. Why did you choose to get involved with a MM ( your now husband) in the first place, and why are you doing it again?

 

 

Right now, you're with two men, and neither of them sounds like a prize package. Why have you settled for this? Don't you think you can do any better?