Time to let go?

[Love2015]

I have a friend I talk to every day. She was very supportive during my divorce but her views are very negative when it comes to other people.

 

I feel it has affected how I view men now a days when I was dating. Like I have my own issues and then when I was going in new dates and I would tell her about them..she would always pull the worse stuff and I would go on self doubt. I know she has been negative about other people for ages and suffers from depression but I am coming to a point that I am considering stopping interaction with her.

 

Like she was so supportive during my crazy divorce that I count on her yet I truly feel I won't be able to redo my life if I continue confiding in her to the extent I do.

 

Examples of what type of view she has given about new potential dates...like if I go with someone and say I liked them ...she first thing will say careful he may be married or if a guy is nice but not great she will say he is a con artist ....I do feel she judges men a lot. I am more accepting of humans as the are. She invents who they are in very negative shade. And this has been since loong...

 

I have encouraged her to go in dates, try to make friends with other girls but she says no one is her friend and everyone has their lives. She also criticizes my gfs. The problem is I confide in her let's say something one of the girls did...she will suddenly say that person is xyz and not your friend but that is not even true.

 

To be honest my ex husband didn't like her and even during my wedding as she travelled from abroad she gave me attitude that I was not able to pick her up from airport on day of wedding. She was scheduled for earlier flight but got late due to layover issues so it was closer to the Day of marriage. I did follow up with her and had other friends cater for her but she told me she was so sad and about to turn back instead of attending the wedding.

 

I like I can talk to her freely but I realize her negativity and my own personal trauma from divorce are bad combo.

 

Any advice?

[anika99]

I think she was supportive while you were going through a divorce because she was happy you were getting divorced. She sounds like a possessive friend who doesn't want to share you with anyone else. You have dates and other friends but she doesn't so you alone make up pretty much her entire social life.

 

It's not a healthy balance and her negativity will begin to take a toll on you. Still it's sad to end a friendship, especially with someone who has been there for you. How well does she handle honesty? Could you tell her how you feel? Or will she just freak out and become hyper defensive?

[Love2015]

I have talked to her openly and she listens but then says it's based on what you tell me. I don't think it's true because even when I say nice things ...I have this thing in back of my mind she is not happy for me.

 

Just before I discovered ex hb cheating...something was off and we were fighting a lot with ex hb ..so I commented it to her and I said I don't want to be married if he is like this. (I didn't know he was cheating.) But instead of saying they fix it when I actually found his cheating and I was saying I love him etc...she was like but you said you don't want to married so I feel she does help me get rid of my "problems" but to the expense of my happiness.....

[Double D]

It seems you are able to communicate your thoughts and feelings freely with her, which is a positive.

 

I would say maybe confide in her about certain things but not on other things.

 

If you are trying dating again, which can be daunting at the best of times then maybe you need to confide in friends who have maybe a more hopeful/positive outlook than someone who is quite negative.

 

It does not mean you can confide with her on other stuff though.

[preraph]

I'll tell you this, just because your man doesn't like one of your girlfriends says more about him than her.

 

She was supportive during your divorce. She is going on what info you tell her. As usual, friends often make the most appearances during bad times when they are needing support, so their friends hear the worst times, not the best times.

 

At any rate, you needn't abandon her. All you need to do is stop sharing everything with her if you don't like her cautionary tales. And by the way, cautionary tales is what you'll get on here as well. Like you said, you're more tolerant. Could be why you ended up with a guy you later had to divorce. She's pointing out things you are not seeing in other people. Hardly matters what her motives are. You are trying to overlook things, and she is pointing them out. You don't have to act on it or agree with her and you can certainly counter what she says with more information that might change her mind. Or you can just stop seeking support and advice from her and just lighten up the friendship to one in which you call and are just entertaining and unburdened with problems and have a laugh with her and brighten her day.

[Love2015]

I agree...she is a friend yet can't talk all. See if it was only during red flags is one thing but even after I mention only good dates, she finds something wrong....but this has been who she is for the 20 years of knowing her ...so it doesn't surprise me . I know she wants best for me yet I think I should focus inside me. The truth is once I focus only on me, I will also be able to appreciate her more for who she is.

[preraph]

So stop talking about dates. Just go do something together and talk about generalities and light topics since she's annoying about the other stuff.