! for a coworker

[Coldfire]

Hello!

 

IÂ’ve had this crush on a coworker (Dennis) for months now and I know that dating him is not a good idea. We work at a small company and this could become really awkward. Also, he is younger and although IÂ’m not his direct supervisor, IÂ’m more senior.

 

First, I have no idea if he has any feelings for me and what he wants. I know he stares at me and compliments my looks. He seems genuinely interested in me but I try to tell myself that he is just a friendly person. WeÂ’ve had coffee and drinks several times and it just feels like a date every time. All kinds of deep personal questions about childhood, dreams and relationships that people just donÂ’t ask each other unless they are really interested in each other. I decided that perhaps he wants us to be closer friends but the hugs he gives me when we see each other and say goodbye just feel way too long and intimate.

 

I have been avoiding Dennis for a while in order to try to get over my feelings but I finally agreed to have coffee with him this week. He gave me one of his long hugs, looked into my eyes throughout our conversation and told me I looked great and that he loves my style. Once again, it just felt way too romantic and not like friends catching up.

 

He told one of the new girls at work that we had coffee, that I was amazing and that she needs to ask me for advice about something work related. This got me really confused.

 

I would truly appreciate your feedback about the following:

 

Why did he need to tell her that we met for coffee when things seems to be so complicated between us?

 

Does he give me mixed messages or am I just imagining he wants to be more than a friend to me?

 

I care about him too much and would rather deal with my feelings than risk any embarrassment or heartache. I know it sounds silly but I just want to admire him from a far and if I feel that itÂ’s somewhat mutual thatÂ’s good enough for me. How do I achieve this ? No more one to one meetings ? A more straightforward conversation?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

[ajequals]

maybe you are just truly amazing...he sounds like he looks up to you

[Coldfire]

maybe you are just truly amazing...he sounds like he looks up to you

 

 

Thanks, that's encouraging. I hope it's not too obvious how much I like him. I think I should only meet with him as a part of a group so that I can keep my feelings under control.

[Foxhall]

perhaps give in to your feelings and give this guy a chance,

 

if you become a couple one of you could always change jobs,

 

Id imagine a lot of people actually meet through work even though its often muted as a No No,

 

I think you would have cut him off sooner if you were not interested:)

[smackie9]

He's a man...if he wants to date you he will let you know.

[preraph]

I think I should only meet with him as a part of a group so that I can keep my feelings under control.

 

I think that's wise, because now you know he is not going to keep it secret at all. You never know a coworker's motive or motives for friendlying up to you. Yes, he could have interest, or he could just be getting on good terms with the people above him in hierarchy or seniority -- or he could even have used dropping your name and having a rapport with you to this other employee to get the other employee off his back or something, as a warning, "I know Coldfire, so don't make me mad." I mean, it's all in the game. And there is no place more full of games than office politics. It's entirely possible for someone to both like you AND use you.

 

Anyway, he's going to broadcast whatever you do, so stop doing anything private with him.

[Coldfire]

perhaps give in to your feelings and give this guy a chance,

 

if you become a couple one of you could always change jobs,

 

Id imagine a lot of people actually meet through work even though its often muted as a No No,

 

I think you would have cut him off sooner if you were not interested:)

 

Hi! Thank you for the reply. Why would I need to cut him off? He never asked me on a date, it was all about friends from work catching up. Just because it feels like a date doesn't mean it is....

[Coldfire]

He's a man...if he wants to date you he will let you know.

 

Excellent point. During our last meeting I was clear that he needs to reach out if he needs to talk and I will step back as I think he has now adjusted to the new environment. I think this is a clear message. I think he knows I like him but won't initiate...

[Coldfire]

OMG yes! This freaked me out. We are definitely not on the same page about this.

 

The truth is that I appear somewhat intriguing at work , have a more flamboyant dress style than others as well as an interesting life that includes exotic travel and art. At the same time I'm very private about my personal life and people don't even dare to ask too much. I guess having coffee with me can feel flattering?! He just want to brag!? This is just so lame.

 

I can read in his body language that he likes me but, you are totally correct that doesn't mean he has my best interest in mind ?

 

 

 

 

 

I think that's wise, because now you know he is not going to keep it secret at all. You never know a coworker's motive or motives for friendlying up to you. Yes, he could have interest, or he could just be getting on good terms with the people above him in hierarchy or seniority -- or he could even have used dropping your name and having a rapport with you to this other employee to get the other employee off his back or something, as a warning, "I know Coldfire, so don't make me mad." I mean, it's all in the game. And there is no place more full of games than office politics. It's entirely possible for someone to both like you AND use you.

 

Anyway, he's going to broadcast whatever you do, so stop doing anything private with him.

[preraph]

You'd be wise to remember that absolutely nobody at work has your best interests at heart. They have their own best interests at heart. That's how it is at work.

[Springsummer]

I think that's wise, because now you know he is not going to keep it secret at all. You never know a coworker's motive or motives for friendlying up to you. Yes, he could have interest, or he could just be getting on good terms with the people above him in hierarchy or seniority -- or he could even have used dropping your name and having a rapport with you to this other employee to get the other employee off his back or something, as a warning, "I know Coldfire, so don't make me mad." I mean, it's all in the game. And there is no place more full of games than office politics. It's entirely possible for someone to both like you AND use you.

 

Anyway, he's going to broadcast whatever you do, so stop doing anything private with him.

 

OMG, this is so wise and sharp.

 

now I really got a taste of the office politics.

[mortensorchid]

I have said this before and will say it again: coworkers are not friends. It's easy to think that coworkers are friends because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. But they are not. A wise man once said "Don't s*** where you eat". Never have your need for companionship or sexual needs met with a coworkers because you will never live it down.

 

I had a crush on a coworker once a few years ago and he rejected me. It was a major turning point moment in life, one that hurt me to the core. Fortunately I was not rejected until after I was no longer working there so I didn't have to look at him everyday after that.

 

Keep to yourself and keep doing your work. Be happy with yourself.

[Springsummer]

You'd be wise to remember that absolutely nobody at work has your best interests at heart. They have their own best interests at heart. That's how it is at work.

 

so true.

 

I am a very naive and wishful thinking person.

[Springsummer]

but what about love? you know the king abdicated to be with the one he loves. Rose and Jack risk their lives for each other in Titanic.

 

I am sure there is Love? real love? love conquers all?

[smackie9]

Egad! I hope you are being sarcastic.

[Springsummer]

I am watching the Bill Gate bio on Netflix. He asked a girl who worked for his company out and then married her.

 

Guess when you are the big boss, you can get away with anything.

 

he didn't think if it was appropriate or not, or what will happen if she said no. some people just go after what they want.

[Coldfire]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your comments. I just feel so sad and heartbroken. I think I'm in love and I know how silly this sounds but I just want to believe that he cares about me.

 

I really don't know why he told this woman that he had coffee with me. Maybe he didn't understand that it wasn't the right thing to do and how it would make me feel? Maybe I can explain that I don't want people to think that I have some sort of preference for him?

 

I can't sleep and don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I've been thinking that maybe I imagined he ever liked me and made a fool of myself by reacting to all this.

[Coldfire]

Ok...I'll go with this. The ball is in his court but I'll be more cautious now ?

[Coldfire]

You know this sounds true but makes me so very sad ?

[Coldfire]

Thank you so much. I'll read this several times. I didn't want (actually that's a lie.. I wasn't planning) to sleep with him. But what's the harm of just having those feelings and keeping them to myself? Maybe I should have never gone out with him but it wasn't supposed to be a date. Why did he ask me in the first place? To test the power he has over me ? To be sure I like him? That would be so very cruel ...

 

I have said this before and will say it again: coworkers are not friends. It's easy to think that coworkers are friends because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. But they are not. A wise man once said "Don't s*** where you eat". Never have your need for companionship or sexual needs met with a coworkers because you will never live it down.

 

I had a crush on a coworker once a few years ago and he rejected me. It was a major turning point moment in life, one that hurt me to the core. Fortunately I was not rejected until after I was no longer working there so I didn't have to look at him everyday after that.

 

Keep to yourself and keep doing your work. Be happy with yourself.

[Coldfire]

but what about love? you know the king abdicated to be with the one he loves. Rose and Jack risk their lives for each other in Titanic.

 

I am sure there is Love? real love? love conquers all?

 

I totally believe in love. And as silly as it sounds I do want to believe that this man is not trying to take advantage of me. I don't know how to explain it....when we sit together in meetings and I get up to get coffee I see his body language...he consumes me with his eyes as I move. I catch him staring at me. He laughs at my jokes. Smiles at me. Can it all be fake? And why would he spend hours asking me things about my life and listening to me...just to know me better so that he can advance at work ?! Could be true but the thought of it makes me sick. Couldn't it just be that he also has feelings and doesn't know how to handle them?

[Coldfire]

Egad! I hope you are being sarcastic.

 

Hi smackie, I would have the same reaction a couple of months ago but love has obviously made me stupid & blind

[Coldfire]

I am watching the Bill Gate bio on Netflix. He asked a girl who worked for his company out and then married her.

 

Guess when you are the big boss, you can get away with anything.

 

he didn't think if it was appropriate or not, or what will happen if she said no. some people just go after what they want.

 

And when you are a man...if I was a hot guy in my position this would have been perceived as absolutely normal (a new girl having a crush on me

[Springsummer]

Don't do anything if you are not sure if the person loves you as much as you love him and one of you is ready to quit.

 

Just left work and the last person I saw was the man who went to my office to ask me if I am single. He saw me in the hall and his face looked unhappy and pissed and he turned back to his area. Despite he asked me if we are still friend. no more hi and look happy.

 

this is so awkward and makes me uncomfortable.

[Coldfire]

So sorry this happened to you:(

 

It's true but it's so hard to stop feeling the way I feel when I see him all the time

 

I'm staying strong though as I don't want to feel the way I felt last week.

 

Please stay strong too ...time heals everything.

 

Don't do anything if you are not sure if the person loves you as much as you love him and one of you is ready to quit.

 

Just left work and the last person I saw was the man who went to my office to ask me if I am single. He saw me in the hall and his face looked unhappy and pissed and he turned back to his area. Despite he asked me if we are still friend. no more hi and look happy.

 

this is so awkward and makes me uncomfortable.