Couldn’t commit - so I walked. Did I do the right thing

[LoveStruck12]

Hi Everyone,

 

I recently left a guy I’d been seeing for 8 months. We’d known each other for about a year before we started dating and he’d gotten out of a very long term relationship about 5 months before we began dating.

 

We’d been taking it slowly but the chemistry was apparent and before we knew it we’ were seeing each other multiple times a week, booking holidays and meeting family. He’d told me he was in love with me and that I was all he’d wanted.

 

Around a month ago I found out he’d contacted his ex to ask how she was. He said this was to reach the closure he’d needed in order to be able to fully move on. I was unhappy and asked him not to do that again. About two weeks later she replied saying she was still in love with him.

 

He admitted that this had thrown him and he was unsure of whether he’d made the right decision in leaving their relationship. He also said his doubts had made him reluctant to properly commit to me and refer to me as his girlfriend, even though many times he felt like he was ready to.

 

I asked him to respond to her saying he was now involved with someone else but he refused to do that and that he couldn’t promise me that he could fully close the door on her.

 

...so I walked. Told him that I deserved more than to be second best and live in the shadow of a past relationship. He cried, and said he wasn’t sure. That he was confused and that he didn’t want to not be in my life. I told him he needed to take time to sort his head out and I needed to move on and find someone who could invest 100%.

 

It’s now been a week without contact and I’m starting to doubt my decision. Whether I should have tried harder or not walked away so quickly. Deep down I’d also love him to come back but know this isn’t a healthy mind frame either.

 

I’d love some words of encouragement that I did the right thing and advice on how to stick to no contact.

 

X

[Cersei]

You absolutely did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself for one second. You are just feeling lonely right now. Hang in there!

 

How did you find out they were in touch? Did he admit it?

[LoveStruck12]

He told me he’d done it. Said that he knew things were getting more serious with me and therefore needed to contact her so that he could close the door.

 

I guess deep down I knew there was more to it than that and that it was him testing the water. Her response clearly affected him and has made him think there’s an option that they can get back together.

 

I refuse to be an option. As hurtful as it is I shouldn’t need to hang around while he figures out if he wants to go back and marry his ex.

 

It’s just a hard one to come to terms with x

[OpenBook]

IMO you definitely did the right thing. Saved yourself a lot of wasted time and heartache. He wasn't the right guy for you. Someone else out there is. He'll come along. Just keep doing YOU.

[schlumpy]

I really don't see where you had any other choice and frankly I admired your forthrightness in handling the emotional conflict that you must have experienced.

 

He made his choice when he let you go. That's what you have to process. He chose her.

 

As hard as this is to bear it's much better to know this now.

 

I suspect that this a false reconciliation with his ex. Whatever broke them up is still present and will once again reassert itself. Then as the fog clears he will think about his back-up plan.

 

That would be you.

[LoveStruck12]

Thanks Schlumpy!

 

I suspect that too.

 

Which is why maintaining no contact is so important to me. If and when that day comes, I want to be in a place where I can confidently say, No, you had a chance and you blew it.

 

He’s been apart from this girl for over a year. Having bounced back to exes myself I know it’s always pretty much a fruitless outcome.

 

I’ll just sit back and watch the fireworks (or better still not notice at all cos I’m doing me)

 

X

[stillafool]

I too think you did the right thing by walking away. I've also done this and there is a certain power that comes with the pain. How long was their relationship before they broke up?

[LoveStruck12]

5 years! I feel I’ve been a very big rebound.

[preraph]

You did the right thing. Him contacting her says that if her response had been right, he'd have been willing to get back together with her. It says he felt his attachment to her was more than it is to you. No one needs to live with that hanging over their head, so you absolutely did the right thing. He was a chump to do that. And here she is saying she still loves him, so you know he's going to at least go have sex with her.

 

I'm sorry you had so much invested. I hope you at least have some good memories so it wasn't a total waste.

[stillafool]

5 years! I feel I’ve been a very big rebound.

 

After 5 years there is no reason to close any doors. They should be locked by now. He's full of it. Don't call him.

[Highndry]

You did the right thing. Kick people like this to the curb.

[spiritedaway2003]

I think you did the right thing. Don't call him now.

 

I'm curious though, so you're done with him? If he comes back to you to try to work things out, you wouldn't want to try to work things out anymore?

[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing, OP. I don't see what alternative you had, either, other than deciding when to walk away.

 

It wouldn't have worked out anyway if he's still this attached to his ex.

[Inspire]

You did the right thing. If he was over her then her response would have been met with indifference. If I was you, I'd have a difficult time taking him at his word, so even if he reached out tomorrow you know that those kinds of feelings he has for her are not going to change overnight.

 

You're right, you deserve someone that says, "no, I want you; she's my past and you're my present" ...

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't know either of you but I must say that I am proud of you both, well as proud as a stranger on the internet can be anyway.

 

You see its very nice to read someone with such good, healthy boundaries in place that she confidently told someone that she wasn't willing to be someone's second best... someone who knew that he needed the closure from you to figure himself out.

 

I'm proud of him for being honest with you instead of stringing you along until he figured out what her "I'm still in love with you" meant.

 

You're going to find a good guy, one worth having because clearly, you are worth having yourself.

 

I bow to you for doing the right thing and keeping your emotional health in focus even while doing a very hard thing.

 

Kudos.

[LoveStruck12]

Thank you everyone for your supportive words.

 

Bit of an update, so it took him all of 3 days to meet up with her for a coffee and now they’re ‘taking it slowly and giving it another go.’ But don’t worry he has the courtesy to call me and tell me ‘it was a lightening bolt moment as soon as I saw her.’

 

So turns out it was absolutely right decision. This is incredibly painful and not sure how I’m going to move past the deceptiveness tbh.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP; that had to be tough to hear.

 

Now there is no doubt that you made the correct decision, and really the only viable one.

 

Go No Contact with him. It will hurt for a while, but you will one day feel better knowing you are free to meet a man who is on the same page as you are.

[spiderowl]

I think you did the right thing. I doubt he would become less confused if you stayed with him. Experiencing time without you might clear his head.

 

Regardless, you don't want to be with someone who is half-pining for his ex. It's just not a good place to be.

 

I'm sorry it went this way but you stood up for yourself. You have self-respect and that counts for a lot.

[snowboy91]

So turns out it was absolutely right decision. This is incredibly painful and not sure how I’m going to move past the deceptiveness tbh.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say it was deceptive - or at least, I don't think it was deliberately deceptive. He was doing his best to try and move on from his ex by being with you, but felt he needed closure.

 

It was only when he heard back from her that there was unresolved feelings for her. I'd take him at his word that it was that specifically that made him question his decision to leave that relationship. He was honest in how he felt, and you were honest in how you felt and you took the appropriate action for yourself.

 

Breakups always suck (they can't not suck), but as breakups go it was done well, and for the right reasons - I'd even call that inspiring.

[Captivating]

I think the timing of you too getting together was too close to his breakup. He was not fully over that relationship. The longer history and familiarity with his ex has "thrown him" .... I think he cared for you if he cried, yet the timing of it was off, that's all. You made the best decision of "self preservation".

[Captivating]

Thank you everyone for your supportive words.

 

Bit of an update, so it took him all of 3 days to meet up with her for a coffee and now they’re ‘taking it slowly and giving it another go.’ But don’t worry he has the courtesy to call me and tell me ‘it was a lightening bolt moment as soon as I saw her.’

So turns out it was absolutely right decision. This is incredibly painful and not sure how I’m going to move past the deceptiveness tbh.

 

Like I said somewhere above here before, it is the familiarity and history with her that made him feel "the lightening bolt"; however, calling you and telling you this is insensitive ! Who does that ???

 

Also, remember that they broke up for a reason ... so things will be the same unless they work on their issues. Please don't overthink this ... I know it feels like a rejection that is so hard to bare, he was just not completely over her, that is all. Also he needs some fine tuning of his social skills MEN

[Mr. Lucky]

So turns out it was absolutely right decision. This is incredibly painful and not sure how I’m going to move past the deceptiveness tbh.

 

If everyone had your common sense and courage of conviction, this forum would be out of business. I suspect your relationship was toast the moment he felt a need for "closure", so kudos to you for holding to the proverbial line in the sand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveStruck12]

Thanks you.

 

It’s been a few days since he moved back in with her now. I’m still finding it all very painful, it’s a big sting to know she now has a place back in the bed where I had been.

 

I was initially feeling very strong about it. But now I’m in the mode of obsessing about them, will they be engaged soon? Will they break up

 

And of course, naturally hoping that somewhere down the line he comes back. Hopefully time will make this easier.

[spiderowl]

Thanks you.

 

It’s been a few days since he moved back in with her now. I’m still finding it all very painful, it’s a big sting to know she now has a place back in the bed where I had been.

 

I was initially feeling very strong about it. But now I’m in the mode of obsessing about them, will they be engaged soon? Will they break up

 

And of course, naturally hoping that somewhere down the line he comes back. Hopefully time will make this easier.

 

I know it's incredibly hard when you like someone but bear in mind that if he does come back, he could do the same thing again. Some people have on/off relationships for ever and you don't want to get caught up in that.

[Mr. Lucky]

And of course, naturally hoping that somewhere down the line he comes back.

 

spiderowl has it right, be careful what you wish for.

 

Don't make us take away your "Poster of the Week" award!

 

Mr. Lucky