Cookiedough13 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 My fiance broke up with me this week saying that he think he's gay. I am completely gutted. I saw no signs. I don't know what to do. We were together for 7 years. We never fought. We were perfect for each other. The past few months we were looking to buy a house together. He started to act distant and avoid me. I thought it was just stress, which he agreed. He broke up with me the day he closed on the house. He had it just his name because I have no credit. I feel betrayed. Did he plan this the whole time? He says he's only been feeling this way for the past 2 months and before he was completely attracted to women. He told me he wanted to explore his feelings and it wouldn't be fair to do that while still being in a relationship with me. He said if he doesn't like being with men, he'll give me a call. I'm trying to be understanding but I'm so hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 he's just using this gay thing as an excuse to break up with you Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I know someone who dated men her entire life, until her mid-40s when she met a woman and fell in love with her. She had been in a relationship with a man for several years at that point. Respectfully ended it with him, and went on to have a years-long relationship with that women. It eventually ended, but she has dated women ever since. She describes the experience as being a sudden awakening of something she'd either been suppressing or ignoring for a very long time. It can happen. I wouldn't automatically assume your boyfriend is using this as an excuse to back out of your relationship. It could have been something that has been building for some time inside him. My guess is that he has met a man who he likes as more than a friend and has been conflicted about it. That would certainly explain his increasing distance in recent months. I'm sorry you were so blindsided, in any case. I can understand why you are hurt and confused. However, I would not stick around to be his back-up plan in case he realizes he isn't as into men as he thought. You would have a very hard time ever trusting him with your heart again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Ouch. That really sucks, I'm sorry. Absolutely DON'T be available if he calls you somewhere down the line. As Expat said, it would be difficult if not impossible to ever trust him again. Be kind to yourself, go get a weekly massage, manicure, whatever makes you feel good. Spend time with friends and family. It will take a while to wrap your head around it. After some time you might come to see maybe there really were some warning signs along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 There is a support group for this. I looked it up once. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I don't know, for a man to admit that he's gay I think he means it. He knows you are going to tell your friends and family about this and his secret if out. I'm thinking he has already explored men and knows that is what he likes. I wouldn't even think of taking him back after he has had sex with other men because there is no way you can compete. I'm sorry you're hurt, this is terrible, but at least he told you before you got married. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I dated a girl named Jennifer (name has been changed) around 20 years ago. I was 32 she must have been around 35. Anyhoo, she told me a story. Her ex-husband had woken up one day and told her he was gay and wanted out of the marriage. They had only been married a few months and had not consummated the marriage. While him and Jennifer were dating they did not have sex because he kept on saying he wanted to wait for marriage to have sex. Well, they got divorced went their separate ways. When Jennifer told me this story I burst out laughing cause I thought she was pulling my leg. Then I looked at the pain on her face and I realized she wasn't kidding. I apologized profusely. She got blindsided just like the OP. Just goes to show it can happen to anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Yeah, you'd have to really not care what anyone thought to make that up if you weren't gay. Thing is, I can pretty much guarantee you he HAS tried men before. Closeted guys end up drunk and acquiescing to BJs from gay guys. He may be bi, of course. All the gender stuff is on a continuum. But he's going to go be openly gay and see what appeals most to him, so I'm very sorry this happened to you. And I will tell you that he's likely always to continue to be attracted to men and maybe women too, no matter what happens, and have the urge to have sex with them both sometimes. Just from knowing a lot of gay and bi guys. It's just real easy for bi or gay guys to seek no-strings sex, so easy they have little incentive to not do it even when they're with someone. I can imagine how hurt you are and how confused. Seven years. Well, I guess better now than after you were married or had kids. I hope you are able to process this and accept it and get past it, but like the others, I would caution you not to be waiting for him to take him back or you will just end up with a guy who cheats on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I'm sorry. 7 years is a long time. That really sucks. Most guys wouldn't say it unless it's true. It's hard to see the bright spot, but it is better that you find out now than AFTER you got married. Not much you can do here. Be kind to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 The past few months we were looking to buy a house together. He started to act distant and avoid me. I thought it was just stress, which he agreed. He broke up with me the day he closed on the house. He had it just his name because I have no credit. I feel betrayed. Did he plan this the whole time? I can't discount that he's homosexual although seven years is a damn long time to find out and makes me freaking suspicious. When he applied to the bank did they use only his income to decide whether to lend the money or was your income also considered. If your income helped him get the loan then "feeling betrayed" would be a very mild response. If your income was added to his then I would be having a talk with the bank loan officer. Don't let your hurt keep you from protecting yourself or getting some much deserved revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiedough13 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 He only used his income. I had a bad feeling during the whole process but he constanly reassured me and said it was only because I had little to no credit. I just can't believe he would do this to me after 7 years. Not being gay, but deserting me out of the blue. I'm in shock. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I just can't believe he would do this to me after 7 years. Not being gay, but deserting me out of the blue. I'm in shock. I'm glad your income wasn't used as part of the home buying process otherwise the betrayal would be bigger. I guess I'm still kind of surprised that it took him 7 years to figure out that he's homosexual. But, if he is gay, what would you expect to have him do? He can't be with you that way. I don't think there's anything he could have done now to soften the blow, it's going to hurt either way...it's just an all around terrible situation. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 it's common for some men/women in their 50s and 60s to discover that they are homosexual Link to post Share on other sites
Berteau Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 That would be the last thing a straight guy would lie about to get out of a relationship. Believe it or not, a lot of people are not 100% straight or gay. There are spectrums, and many men are just in denial and suppress it, but it eventually comes to the surface. Just look what happens to “straight” men when they go to prison. They turn “gay for the stay.” I think he is somewhere on the spectrum and isn’t sure how gay/Straight he actually is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I had a bad feeling during the whole process but he constanly reassured me and said it was only because I had little to no credit. What was giving you a bad feeling, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiedough13 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 That he was getting the house all in his name and at the same time he started to become distant. But he told me I was just being paranoid and he was just stressed with buying a house. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I'm sure it doesn't feel like any consolation, but it's very fortunate you are not legally bound to him through property ownership and a mortgage. Your uneasiness about things was probably built on things prior to the house-buying process. That was just the thing that was easier for you to get a handle on since it was something concrete. Like others, I think he's likely been having these thoughts/feelings for longer than he admits. They just finally were too strong for him to keep hidden. Seven years is a long time to date without locking things down. Was that decision mutual? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 I'm sure it doesn't feel like any consolation, but it's very fortunate you are not legally bound to him through property ownership and a mortgage. Agreed. I think there are a lot of closeted men out there who never come out of the closet because of the toll it would take on their "normal" lives. Though I'm sure it's very painful after 7 years, it's better you found this out before you got married and possibly brought children into a marriage that was bound not to work out. In other words, it's a blessing in disguise. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 It’s better to find out the truth than be living a lie. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiedough13 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 Thanks for all the kind words. I'm really struggling. I'm realizing how much I depended on him emotionally. He's been in contact every day because he still moving his things out. He says he doesn't love me any less, just in a different way. The pain is overwhelming. I never thought I'd be in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 That he was getting the house all in his name and at the same time he started to become distant. But he told me I was just being paranoid and he was just stressed with buying a house. The house could have still been in your name even if you didn't contribute a dime. It was definitely a huge red flag. I'm sorry this is happening . I think he probably has met someone. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 He's been in contact every day because he still moving his things out. He says he doesn't love me any less, just in a different way. The pain is overwhelming. I never thought I'd be in this situation. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. This is such a delicate matter, one that can't be "worked on" in the way other relationship problems sometimes can. Does your family know? Close friends? I hope you have a good support system around you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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