Boyfriend of 4.5 years dumped me

[somethingclever84]

I feel that writing my story out may be cathartic, so here goes. Warning: this is super long.

 

 

 

Ex and I had been together 4.5 years. From the beginning he warned me that all his relationships end because he's unable to sustain affection long term and he eventually checks out.

 

 

He was very ambivalent about relationships and how much he actually wanted to be in one, so I left the ball in his court. But he kept reaching out and wanting to hang out. It was obvious he was into me.

 

 

 

We ended up in a relationship and it was really good. The best either of us had ever been in. We seemed to balance each other out, he helped me grow, and we rarely fought. And when we did fight, it was handled maturely and resolved quickly.

 

 

We moved in together after 2 years and lived together for 2.5 years. He has always struggled with anxiety and depression and he would be up and down with that through the relationship, but his feelings for me seemed steady.

 

 

Things started to change in the early part of this year and came to a head this summer. He had become disconnected and disinterested in me and it was really getting to me. His depression had worsened and he drank every day for months. He had nothing to look forward to and little motivation to find joyful things in his life, so naturally the relationship suffered.

 

 

I brought it up and we almost broke up, but he said he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted. So we stayed in a state of limbo for 2 months. I put a timeline on the decision to breakup or not and when it came time he said "we're flowing so I think we should just keep flowing."

 

 

About 3 weeks after he said that he broke up with me. He said he really just wanted to be alone to work on his depression and alcoholism, that he doesn't want to be anything to anyone, doesn't think he's cut out to be in a long term monogamous relationship, sees himself as more of a "side guy" so he could put minimal effort towards catering to someone else's emotions.

 

 

He also told me that he feels like something is wrong with him because I was the best possible partner he could have and he still checked out. He still loves me and will always care deeply about me, but if I stay with him it will destroy me.

 

 

Then he packed up what he needed and left with his dog. I still have a lot of his stuff and at some point he needs to pick it up.

 

 

It's been exactly one week. The first few days were torture. I felt like I was dying. I'm still really ****ing sad but not as devastated as I thought I would be.

 

 

I miss him so much. And the dog. My house feels so empty now, like it's haunted by the ghost of the relationship.

 

 

We've been in contact here and there. I didn't beg or plead for him to come back. I've slipped a little and said that I missed him but nothing too emotional. I may go NC for a while...not sure yet.

 

 

I check for his online presence constantly and can't stop thinking about him. First thing in the morning is hard; that's when I seem to miss him the most. Nights are hard too as I wonder what he's doing and who he's with.

 

 

 

I know that this needed to happen because the relationship was no longer sustainable. But I guess I'm in the phase of the break-up where I hope he'll change his mind and decide that he still wants to be with me. I know that's very unlikely, and if it were to happen a lot of things would need to change for it to be even remotely workable.

 

 

What hurts the most is knowing that I was a really good partner to him and he still checked out on me. That, and coming to terms with the fact that he's gone and most likely never coming back.

 

 

Ultimately I will be fine. He has wounds he needs to heal. I really hope for his sake he does. And selfishly, I hope that he works on himself and feels that he wants to give it another chance. Trying not to hold onto that one too much though.

 

 

Any feedback/similar experiences would be appreciated. Just trying to process all of this.

[d0nnivain]

Your logic seems to be in the right place. Of course your heart is broken. You will process & you will eventually be OK. Hang in there.

[preraph]

Listen, he does need to work on those problems alone. You should be grateful he didn't guilt you into staying with him through all that. It could go on for years! He might even know he can't stop it or get better. Alcoholics often cut off people who want them to stop drinking, for example. Seen it over and over.

 

Anyway, it's best you do not bog yourself down in that. You keep living your life. It's sad and it is just a kind of tragic thing, but you will be better of either on your own or finding someone who can be whole in the relationship. Please concentrate on having fun and trying to attract fun people and men who aren't needy and have a bunch of problems and give yourself a break.

[schlumpy]

Gather all his stuff together and take it down to a storage facility. Rent it for one month. Tell him where it is.

 

Then go dark on him.

 

Next you should go to an animal shelter and pick out the cutest little puppy that you can imagine. You will know who it is because they will lay on their back and beg you to scratch their tummy.

 

Next time someone tells you upfront that they are a jerk, please believe them. Don't try and save them.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

So basically, he gave himself time to get used to the idea of breaking up, then sprung it on you suddenly once he was sure he was emotionally ready to move on. That's cold.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I had a very similar experience with a guy I was dating except he didn't warn me ahead of time. He actually asked me to marry him a little over halfway through the R but something didn't feel right so I didn't do it.

 

He was a wonderful bf at first, perfect. But each year he got more difficult to be with. Finally after 4.5 years, same time as you were with your guy, I felt he was very distracted in an odd way one day. So I asked him if he needed some space and he said he did. We never met up again or talked after that.

 

But, I found out he was dating someone else a few days after we parted and they married within the year. About six or seven years after they married he left her and married someone else. I know people connected to him and they've told me both he and his third wife are cheating on each other. Am not surprised because he's shown himself to be a person who can't sustain a R with anyone for more than a couple of years.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But, IMO you've handled it very well and there's nothing wrong with the fact you told him you'd miss him. I'd leave it at that, though, and move on. This guy will most likely live this way the rest of his life. I doubt he'll ever change, not that he couldn't. It's just too easy to keep avoiding one's issues and dealing with them in the way you've become accustomed to.

[somethingclever84]

@LivingWaterPlease

How did you initially find out he was dating someone else? That must've been terrible to stop talking so suddenly like that and then find that out.

 

 

 

I'm mostly convinced that the issue wasn't another person. He has swore up and down to me that he really just wants to be alone and work on his issues, and he can't have the distraction of another person around for that. He could be lying, but I believe him.

 

 

Now how long that alone time actually lasts, I'm dubious of. I'm also torturing myself wondering if he already hooked up with somebody since the break up. I hate it.

 

 

I met up with some friends for coffee today and in the middle of it I was hit with this wave of missing him and I suddenly felt exhausted and withdrawn.

 

 

Did you ever get the urge to reach out to your ex?

Edited November 2, 2019 by somethingclever84

[preraph]

The problem with reaching out to an ex is that by doing so, you are saying, I will put up with this situation and this treatment and let you do whatever you want, no matter how hurtful or irresponsible it is just to keep you around, at which point you will see a steady decline in how you're treated, now he knows you'll put up with it.

[somethingclever84]

The problem with reaching out to an ex is that by doing so, you are saying, I will put up with this situation and this treatment and let you do whatever you want, no matter how hurtful or irresponsible it is just to keep you around, at which point you will see a steady decline in how you're treated, now he knows you'll put up with it.

 

 

We've been in contact since the break-up. Not every day but texting basically every few days. I really don't think he wants to hurt me and I know he cares about me. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship. That being said, I'm still considering NC so I can heal, but man...feels so hard. I start getting the itch to hear from him after a few days

[LivingWaterPlease]

@LivingWaterPlease

How did you initially find out he was dating someone else? That must've been terrible to stop talking so suddenly like that and then find that out.

 

I met up with some friends for coffee today and in the middle of it I was hit with this wave of missing him and I suddenly felt exhausted and withdrawn.

 

Did you ever get the urge to reach out to your ex?

 

sc, I just saw the above post for the first time.

 

The way I found out he was involved with someone else was that I saw them together around town after awhile and recalled there'd been a couple of red flag incidents with her that I'd called him out on and he'd denied.

 

Yes, I sent him a short letter a few days after our break up. We were supposed to meet to talk but we never did, neither of us set a time. At that point I didn't know he was involved with someone else (didn't connected the red flag incidents until I saw him around town with her).

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, sc. I know it's hard. But, I will tell you there came a day when I felt indifferent toward the guy and if it's any comfort to you, you probably will at some point, too.