Friend embarrassed by me?

[Double D]

I have a very close friend. We have been friends for about 12 years.

 

We are able to show our vulnerable sides to each other and open up about our various struggles.

 

I am beginning to wonder if she is embarrassed by me or if I am being paranoid.

 

She has a child who just turned 1 on Halloween and has split up from the child's father just after he has born. They have been going through their problems with each other and it is a lot of headaches and emotional turmoil for her.

 

She claims that I am one of her closest friends. About 2 months ago she had a christening for her son and said she was only going to have her parents and god parents there to save any potential drama or trouble with her ex.

 

I was a little sad to not go but also I understood. Now she is having a 1st birthday party for her son and told me she is only going to have close family there, again for the same reason; to save any potential drama with her ex.

 

When she told me this, again I understood where she was coming from but at the same time I felt a little like chop liver.

 

I told her I understand but I also said I feel a little left out and asked her if she did not want me to meet her parents and friends as I have never done so even after all these years.

 

She did reply that I do come round and see her son and we chill and chat and that if she had a problem with me she would not let me do this.

 

I should add her parents are incredibly important to her and play influential roles in her life. I do not have a very close relationship with my family and have not introduced any friends to them as I prefer to keep them separate.

 

I guess what I am saying is that she keeps saying that we are such great friends but when it comes to important events she finds a way to cut me out.

 

I strongly suspect but I am not certain that she will have more than just her close family at the birthday party.

 

 

Guess I am just venting my frustration.

 

Thanks for reading.

[schlumpy]

I would look at this from the opposite side of the fence. Are you sure this is about you? Maybe she doesn't want you meet her family or friends because she is ashamed of them? Perhaps the image that she built for you about her family and friends and maybe her life are going to be dashed if you actually meet them.

 

Another thing to consider is she has a child now. When you get married the single friends you had tend to drift away. When you have children there is a tendency to connect with others that have children.

 

Although you present a level of friendship that usually carries over the years the recent events in her life could be pushing her down a different pathway. She might be fading on you.

 

I know this might hurt you but life is in constant turnover and what is true today was probably not true 5 years ago.

 

Don't press her and don't chase after her. Live you own life and fill it with people that have some regard for you.

[preraph]

It's because she's a family-oriented person. She places her family way up there over her friends. I have had two good friends like this over the decades. One was a high school friend. She always included me and stuff, but the older she got, she really restricted herself to just family. And I don't mean children. She had no children. She was just very very close to her nice family and older sister, who I also looked up to when young. Nice family. It's all she needed, bottom line.

 

The other is a friend I've known for some decades but not from childhood and she will just drop me like a hot potato if we have plans and then one of her family shows up unexpected. Rude, as far as I'm concerned. But I know how it works with her. I'm very low on her priority list, and she only has one other female friend, who oddly enough is a woman who ran off with her husband a couple of decades ago and is mentally ill. But she likes her because she is creative and so they can do arty things at home together. Don't think she ever trots her out in public and probably not to family either. At least I have met her sister and daughter.

 

I don't know. I hate showers and kid events and ceremonies, so I'd be glad to be passed on that. I think christening really are usually for family, though.

At least she's not a gift grabber, inviting everyone she knows just to get gifts like some people do.

 

I think I would let this go. I guess I wouldn't even get her a card for anything she isn't inviting me too, though.

[schlumpy]

I don't know. I hate showers and kid events and ceremonies, so I'd be glad to be passed on that.

 

Amen to that.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Double D]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Much to ponder.

 

SchIumpy I never thought about her putting her family on a pedestal and maybe that fading if I met them. Interesting perspective.

 

Also Preraph I know what you mean about dropping me if her family shows up. She has done that to me many times and I think I am coming to a conclusion you made, that I am low down in her priority list.

 

Thanks again.

[preraph]

^ Yes, and that's no fun, but at the same time, it's rare enough that people are actually so close to their families, so you have to respect that. It's too bad they're so singleminded, though. You know, aside from all that, once a person has kids, they often disappear entirely anyway and that's that -- unless you happen to also have a child so you can trade play dates and stuff. I just think this is her being close and not too needy for friends outside of family. Think of her as self-contained. She'll be awfully busy with her kid now anyway. I imagine she might welcome you sitting around with her while she watches the child if you're up for that.

[Watercolors]

My sister NEVER invited anyone but family to her children's christenings, or even birthdays. And she has a ton of friends.

 

This isn't about your friendship at all. This is about your friend's choice of who attends her child's christening -- family.

 

If you later found out that she did invite friends but didn't include you, then be mad. But don't create a mountain from a mowhill. Don't put the cart before the horse. Don't assume. Those are the only idioms I can think of at the moment.

 

Give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is about you feeling left out, lonely, because you're not going through the same thing. That is, you don't have a 1 year old like your friend does, to christen, so you feel left out. It happens.

 

I felt left out and I attended my sister's children's christenings, because I don't have children. So, consider the source of your anxiety may be inward and coming from the fact that you wish you could experience the joy that your friend is experiencing with her first child. Just my thoughts.

[elaine567]

You are a guy.

I guess the ex is not going to be pleased if you show up.

[Flame Aura]

Are you male or female?

 

 

If male then I completely understand her position - it would look very very odd if she was turning up with a random guy 'friend' to a family get together, especially with her ex being there too. They are events you bring a significant other to, not just friends.

 

 

As a male I would say you are way too far into this 'friendship' with her, and I really don't see how it benefits you at all, or why you even want to, but that's another topic.

 

 

If you are female then yea for some reason she is embarrassed by you and you need to talk to her.

[CC12]

Oh, you're a guy? Then the reason she gave you makes complete sense:

 

she was only going to have her parents and god parents there to save any potential drama or trouble with her ex.

 

She told you exactly why she wasn't inviting you. Why don't you believe her?

 

Bringing a new guy around to intimate family events has certain connotations to some people. If her ex attends these events, it would be really awkward to bring you. Also, her family might be the type to make assumptions about a new man she's bringing to family events and she probably just doesn't want to have to answer the questions that will inevitably come.

 

If you understand this, why are you pushing the issue with her? You want her to invite you and then have it create extra drama during an already difficult time with her ex? It's not about you. Just leave it alone and don't take it personally.

[Double D]

I am a guy.

 

I guess this is kind of bothering me because she is someone I hold in high regard but realising she doesnt gold me to the same level.

 

I do feel left out but its partly my ego is bruised a little.

 

Thanks for the replies you have given me something to think about in terms of me making a big deal out of nothing.

[JuneGirl]

I think you answered your dilemma in your post, she doesn't want drama with the ex, probably because you're a guy and if you come to the events, it will draw unnecessary attention to you and your relationship with her, and it will take away the family vibes where everyone wants the kid to have all the attention.

 

 

Also its just seems to be on the safer side to keep close family there, rather than inviting friends. It seems like she keeps it to family anyways, so there's really nothing to worry about.

 

 

But I think you should definitely understand where she's coming from since you keep your friends separate from family anyways. Family bonds are very different.

 

 

Also trust me you're not missing out going to those events. I've been to many kids bday parties and its like the worst lol.

[Watercolors]

I am a guy.

 

I guess this is kind of bothering me because she is someone I hold in high regard but realising she doesnt gold me to the same level.

 

I do feel left out but its partly my ego is bruised a little.

 

Thanks for the replies you have given me something to think about in terms of me making a big deal out of nothing.

 

Just an FYI, the only men invited to christenings fall into these categories:

 

-husbands

-grandfathers

-uncles

-nephews

-male cousins

 

Not boyfriends. Not close male friends. Not ex-boyfriends.

 

Christenings are for family and family only.

[whichwayisup]

You two are friends but she doesn't want to involve you in all parts of her life. I'm sure it hurts as it seems you've taken this friendship to heart and she is very important to you, you see her almost as family. Sadly it seems she doesn't view you in the same light.

 

Time to stop investing so much into the friendship.