The Grey Area Between Rational and Irrational

[PapayaSalad]

My story is quite lengthy, so you’ll have to bear with me.

I was with her just shy of a year. I’ve had plenty of relationships, but nothing quite like this. She was everything. I was sleepwalking before I met her and she brought about rejuvenation. She opened me, inspirited me, and stirred me from the lassitude that defined me at that time. She brought purpose and energy, thrill and elation, direction and meaning.

Everything we did together added texture and a colour to my life; I became a much better person for it.

 

We built an extraordinary love. I’ve never been so happy. Things between us were almost perfect. We were founded on trust, honesty, communication and support. I thought we were solid.

We had a big trip planned, a whole month together overseas. We both had a lot going on prior to this, and the demands on us meant that we didn’t have as much time for each other (we live quite far apart, so logistics became an issue). But our trip was pending, and I thought this would be an opportunity to cement things and start mapping out our future together.

 

We had a blissful start to things on our trip, but after 3 days her father died unexpectedly. I saw her spirit leave her there and then. She was consumed by grief and guilt, and she got the next available flight home. Given that we don’t live near each other, she asked me to give her a little time with her family before I came home. She was worried that she wouldn’t find the time for me. This was hard, but I respected her wishes and stayed. I regret this so much now.

 

We talked constantly on the phone. I was strong for her, and ready to come home to be with her. But a few days later, completely out of the blue, she ended our relationship. She said she didn’t have the energy for it, which I understood, but she also said she didn’t see a future in it. This part, I could not quite comprehend.

 

I made a decision that was difficult, but was still the right thing to do. I did not press her or pressure her about us, I never discussed our relationship, never begged her to reconsider, never pushed for details. I was determined to put her feelings before mine.

 

I stood strong for her, my support was unwavering. We communicated constantly, and I was always upbeat for her, encouraging her to talk about her grief, listening, guiding. I was motivated by love and compassion. But I hid something from her. I was utterly, completely, comprehensively heartbroken. I was devastated and was floundering badly. I’ve never felt pain like that before. I put none of this on her, even as I felt her pulling away from me. The tone of her messages changed, they lacked warmth. There were long waits for replies. She was distancing herself.

 

I tried to sustain my support and remained resolute not to put pressure on her about us. That compassion for her was the only thing that helped me put one foot in front of the other. It was my sole purpose. She started a new job shortly after this, which put an enormous amount of pressure on her and did not allow her to grieve. I know she was close to the edge. She also had a health scare, which greatly added to her stress.

 

It’s been nearly 3 months now. I’ve sank into what I know recognise as depression and this is where I am right now. I can’t function. The anguish of missing her. Her absence. It is so profound, that it is a physical manifestation. Something constantly with me. She’s always here; whether I close my eyes or not, I see her face. I hear her voice. She’s a ghost, and she’s left a vacuum in every part of my life.

 

 

I know all about NC, and the rational brain knows the positive aspects of this. We message, but she’s cold. Then she’s not cold and I get hope. Then we meet as friends, and our rapport is still there and I feel high, and then she’s gone again and I’m back on the floor. I know I’m probably suffocating her by messaging, but she’s not yet asked me to take a break from it.

 

I suspect she’s hoping I’ll just do it naturally, but she won’t say it.

I wrestle with a new feeling too. Resentment. I have to fight it as I’m not bitter by nature. I’ve never been able to get my side of things across to her because of the circumstances. But I’m falling apart. I have nothing more than ‘I don’t see a future together’ to work with. I have a million questions, and I want to present my counter case, but I haven’t been able to. I think a part of me is afraid of the finality of the rejection if I confront her with this, even though I know that will ultimately help me heal in the long run.

 

Last week, she told me that she’d started dating someone. I was crushed. That broke me completely, and I’m still reeling from it. Nothing matters any more. I am in a complete void, and I’m questioning everything I thought I knew, questioning how I handled this thing, questioning whether or not I really knew her or whether she’s lost her mind with what she’s been through. I should want to let her go, but I don’t want to let her go. I’m consumed with missing her, and am not ready to face the final severance. I want her back, despite how irrational it might be. It feels like what happened to us was unjust, and our fate was determined by something neither of us had any control over.

 

 

I know all the answers. I know I need to now put myself and my own mental health first. I know the path to recovery and each step to take along the way. I am actually a professional counsellor myself, and I’ve dealt with anguish, complex emotions, and recovery from crisis every day for the last 20 years.

 

There isn’t a thing I don’t know about the brain chemistry of it, and how to reclaim yourself from your situation. But wow, I’m terrible at taking my own advice. But that’s depression for you – sometimes you just do not want to face reality, even when you know it is the logical choice for healing. It is the irrational brain pitted against the rational brain, and I’m lost in the huge grey area in between.

 

But I’m so scared to severe that tie with her, even though I know it – and she – is controlling me and monopolising my thoughts.

Bottom line, I suppose, is that I just needed to vent somewhere. So I chose here. Sorry for the long post, but it’s a long complex story in some ways. Thanks for listening.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I think it's time to cut her off and block her. She thinks she can be "just friends" with you and tell you all about her new bf, and that doesn't work for you.

 

I think what might have happened is she had some issues before her dad died, about the relationship, and knowing how happy you were, she just didn't ever voice them -- or if she did, you didn't take them seriously. And then when she left, in a way it was just a good excuse to go ahead and break off. The hard part was done: getting out the door.

 

So instead of coming back and hashing it out, she just left without much explanation. But you know she had some issues and wasn't as happy as you were with the relationship or she would never have done that. So you have to accept that as truth.

 

Again, sorry because that was indeed confusing and a great loss.

[PapayaSalad]

Thanks, preraph. What you've said echoes a lot of my thinking.

 

The hard thing is that if something was wrong before the breakup, I'm gutted that she couldn't talk it through with me. Communication and honesty was always our thing - we were built on it.

 

The part I struggle with is that, if there was something amiss and she had doubts in her mind, then she must have believed that there was still enough there to try and work with. She did, after all, come on our overseas trip knowing we would be together for 4 weeks. She had every opportunity to not come if she was really unsure - I was already there before her, and her father had been ill before she came. But she came nonetheless.

 

I know the right thing to do now is to probably let it go, but I feel as though I need some answers before I can close the door on it. Something doesn't add up to me, and I don't think I have a full picture of the truth behind it. I might not like what I hear, but I need to hear it regardless.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

Two thoughts

One

Death of a loved one for some is a huge wake up call and sometimes a person can suddenly realise they are not actually living the life they want to be living. Death can give clarity.

 

Two

She brought purpose and energy, thrill and elation, direction and meaning.

Everything we did together added texture and a colour to my life; I became a much better person for it.

But what about her? What did you bring to her life?

Maybe she felt sucked dry by you...

Her fathers death then gave her the excuse to leave.

She no longer had the energy and desire to tend to you.

Sometimes when we are very happy it is easy to project our feelings onto others, I guess that is what you did here.

You had the "perfect" relationship, I guess she was not so enthusiastic.

She saw no future and with no future envisaged the only option is to go your separate ways.

Which is what has happened.

 

Leave her alone, there is nothing for you here.

Grieve, heal and move on...

 

BTW how old are the two of you?

[preraph]

I think there's more people who walk away instead of having the painful talk and confrontation. Sometimes it's because they feel if they have the talk, they'll just get sucked back in from feeling sorry for the person who doesn't want them to go. The other thing is you have to be careful demanding closure. If they are honest, it can be quite painful, and sometimes something you have no control over, something physical for instance. It can leave you in worse shape.

 

And most people know that if you're wanting to talk to the for "closure," all you're really wanting is to argue them out of it, so it's really not a good idea.

[PapayaSalad]

Hello, Elaine.

 

I agree with what you say about death. Sometimes it can indeed bring about clarity like many other traumatic events, yet it can also bring about confusion and uncertainty.

 

In terms of your second point, I was really just speaking from my perspective. I can see why that might be a consideration. However, things were reciprocal and we often discussed our mutual feelings and the effects our relationship had on each other. As I mentioned, our communication was always good. I like to believe that I did bring plenty to her life, and she wasn't reserved in telling me this. It was a partnership, I felt, forged through parity. Of course, the thought of an eternally perfect equilibrium is unrealistic and the dynamics within a relationship naturally ebb and flow. It is possible, I suppose, that she may have felt some of the things you say - I just wish she could have told me...

 

Like I've said, I have many unanswered questions.

In terms of age - she's 30 and I'm 46

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

That's quite an age gap. That certainly may have figured in.

[PapayaSalad]

Preraph - Yes, it is considerable. I've often wondered if that might have been a factor in the end. It is, though, something we often talked about throughout the course of our relationship, and concluded that it never really was an issue for us at the time.

 

With hindsight, maybe it could have been an issue. But again, it's just another unanswered question leading to more conjecture and guesswork. Maybe I'll never know.

 

Thanks for your replies, I do appreciate them.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I thought there was a big age gap hence why I asked.

She, young and energetic brought light into what sounds like your boring, "burnt out" life

I could be wrong, but my guess she thinks you are too old to have a proper future with.

In 4 years she is 34, you are 50... big difference.

 

I used to feel sorry for young women getting "caught up" in unequal/controlling relationships with older men, men who will eventually ditch her for a younger model... and whilst that can and does happen, it seems that the older man actually often comes off worst.

He puts his hopes and dreams into the younger woman, "the love of his life", and she just leaves him quite easily one day to go off to explore the world and seek her "fortune" elsewhere... she moves swiftly on to to her next conquest, leaving him devastated and heartbroken...

Edited November 2, 2019 by elaine567

[PapayaSalad]

Hi Elaine. Yes, that's a fair point. Perhaps I was lulled into thinking it wasn't an issue because we'd convinced ourselves that it wasn't. But again, who really knows. I don't have an answer, and it's just guesswork. I can see what you're saying though, and there's logic there.

 

There are endless 'ifs', 'perhaps', and 'maybes', and I think all of these things are what I'm struggling to reconcile with. It's very difficult at the moment.

 

Thanks for your reply.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

My strategy for "getting over" failed relationships has been

to concentrate on why it would never have worked, the bad things, the annoyances, the stuff that would make a future impossible...

I ignore the what ifs, the buts and the maybes...

 

I convince myself it is over for a good reason, pick myself off the floor and start looking for a better man...

 

Wallowing can make us feel better, it keeps the relationship alive, it is hard to let go of as the finality is too painful to contemplate.

If you make up your mind to not wallow and actively stop it, you can get over things a lot quicker.

A bit trite perhaps, but life is really too short...

[preraph]

Sometimes the way and age gap affects you is just that you're not from the same era so you have different references. I'm 67 and I've known for a long time that I at my age couldn't date someone not from my era. They wouldn't get me at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

How often did you see each other in person, OP? You mention you live quite far apart.

 

My guess is that she'd been having doubts for a little while but went on this trip to try to see if she could quell those doubts. Maybe she felt she had to go, if it had already been paid for. If her dad had also been sick, perhaps she was motivated by being able to take a break from it all - only for the worst to happen.

 

I am sorry this has happened. It seems you viewed her as a partner, but also as a life-raft of sorts. The language you use to describe her and your life previous to and during the relationship suggest you emotionally depended on her to a large degree. It's something she surely picked up on. That might have contributed to the demise of this relationship as well.

 

The truth is that you will likely never get the answers you seek from her. She has told you she doesn't see a future with you, which is true. Why? Maybe she can't articulate it, or maybe she's editing out certain things she know will hurt you. Either way, it's time to stop talking to her. You don't need a front-row seat to her new relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I always see older men get devastated with these age gap relationships. Sometimes they end up as friends and financially helping the younger woman for years (after the break-up) while she is dating and even marrying others

 

 

 

At 46, you have lived through a lot, seen pain and misery and more than ever you are looking for someone that will be "IT", what's been missing from your life all along. Your description of what she brought to your life is a bit alarming for someone your age. There is no magic bullet or person that will transform your life. It can always only be you. And by you, I mean just accepting that for most people life is mediocre, there is no great love, it's just a passage of time with assortment of high and lowlights.

 

 

 

At 30, this girl has world at her feet. I can sense the heavy energy through your post, I can imagine it draining her, feeling the power imbalance. Just because she verbally agreed with you doesn't mean she was really feeling the same. Looks like she was looking for a nice way out and her father's death provided that. Just don't be that guy that holds on for years while he gets used for various purposes.

[PapayaSalad]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

 

I realise my wording was quite flowery when I described how I was feeling when we met - I must stress that I wasn't down or in a bad place at all prior to this, just kind of neither here nor there really. Just drifting along in a sort of foggy torpor. Apologies if it came across that way. I wasn't actually looking for anyone at that time, and had no inclination or urge to seek a relationship. It just kind of came from nowhere, unexpectedly, and happened. It didn't take me out of a bad place per se, just made my existing one much better. My wording, I recognise, may appear somewhat dramatic.

 

The feelings were mutual, we did talk about it a lot. Reflecting back now, the period before our trip placed a lot of demands on her - life stuff. Knowing she was busy, I like to think that I did not put any pressure on her while she dealt with what she needed to do, but remained unequivocal with my support. Conversely, perhaps I didn't actually do enough - this might have been an opportunity for me to step up more. I dunno. Thinking about it now, there was also a dip in our intensity during this period, but like I've previously mentioned this is the ebb and flow of relationships. You can go mad thinking about the ifs, and I can't change anything now. I suppose this is the part of me that lacks answers that I may never get.

 

In answer to the question, we did see each other 2 or 3 times a week, but spoke on the phone several times a day.

 

A lot of what you all say makes sense. Undoubtedly, due to being in some pain, I'm over-thinking things and reluctant to step away from the past. I am aware of this, and acknowledge it as an unfortunate part of the process. It is simply where I currently am, but not where I'll be eventually.

 

Writing it here helps, to a degree, and I appreciate all your comments and support. My feelings are all over the place, and I do battle some element of bitterness as time has passed. I know that's not healthy, and I should be grateful for all the positive experiences and move on with life. My brain just won't let me yet...

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[spiritedaway2003]

A death in the family, especially someone so close to her, would likely have made her revisit where her life is going. Have you met her family? If you had, being there to support her through that difficult time would have meant a lot. It may be that, or it may not. I have thoughts on the age difference, but that's secondary to the focus here.

 

You said the only thing you get to work with is that "she didn't see a future in it with you". Here's the thing. For some people, the reason for the breakup isn't important as that fact that she no longer wants a relationship with you. You could even make up a reason - any reason - and give yourself that closure.

 

And then, you have people like me. I don't need to understand all the whys, but sometimes knowing the 'real' reasons behind what led to the breakdown in a relationship is helpful -- so that you can learn from it. The reason may be with you or her, but I'd rather hear it directly from the source than speculate. Usually there are some tell-tale signs but if you couldn't pick up any of them, people are quite wiling to share if you approach it from a sensible way.

 

In other words, if you had as open of a communication with her as you claimed you do, then asking for some clarification on 'why she doesn't see a future' is not the most unreasonable thing to ask for in the world. You might get a real answer or a fuzzy one , but you won't know until you ask. Your intent should be genuine -- that you're asking to seek and understand, and absolutely not in hopes of wanting to get back together (because it looks like she had already moved on...)

 

I broke NC once because there were burning questions I had, and I know I'll regret it if I didn't ask. Communication was our thing too. I got some of the answers, and they helped to put some pieces of the puzzle together -- things I would otherwise wonder for the rest of my life. Sure, I broke NC and I had to reset the 'clock', but it was worth it.

 

Lastly, just because you're professional counsellor yourself doesn't mean you are immune from the emotions that we all experienced. When I'm at my rational self, I can dole out advice like the best of them. Yet, when I was caught up in my own crisis, it completely overwhelmed me. That's how I knew I was in a really bad shape. You're human. You fell in love. You lost that great love. It hurts badly. We all lose ourselves from time to time. You can find yourself out again. Hang in there.

[PapayaSalad]

Thank you, Spiritedaway. My initial thoughts echoed what you just said in terms of revisiting where her life was. Perhaps unwisely, I thought she might just be 'shelving' us for a while as she came to terms with her loss and reassessed where she was going in life. I can most certainly understand the latter part, even if I was somewhat naive regarding the former. And although it pained me at the time that I was unable to reach out and support her at her time of need, I also know that it was important for her to manage things through her own choices.

 

Your experience of wanting answers in your own predicament mirrors mine, and your advice, if I pursue this with the right intentions, is sound. I do, though, get contrasting thoughts on this by others. I was, at the time, completely blindsided by what happened and I never saw it coming, and this, I think, is what makes me want answers. Ultimately, the decision rests with me and I have to understand that there's a possibility that I might not like what I hear, or I may get a somewhat watered-down version. I will ponder this before I make a decision on how, or indeed whether, to proceed...

 

Thanks too for mentioning about my professional capacity in relation to the reality I find myself in. You're right - we are all human. I think that 20 years of working with complex issues sometimes makes you put your own aside.

 

You can only do that for so long, then along comes a trigger event. I've seen it in others in the profession. Perhaps this is mine. I am due to start receiving counselling of my own, so I guess I may find some answers through that. Time will tell.

 

Again, thank you everyone for your input.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PapayaSalad]

For what it's worth, this video is really helpful if you have time for it:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKd9RWVzHq8

 

It looks at how obsessing over the details often distorts the reality of the situation, and the narratives you create can over-complicate the simple facts.

 

It resonates with my current thinking, and provides some good techniques with how to break from it. I'm not quite there yet, but it's given me food for thought...

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[assertives]

My guess is that the age gap difference played a part in what she meant by not seeing a future with you. Being in different life stages and outliving your partner by possibly quite some years is a real consideration. It could be that faced with the mortality of her own father brought that all to the surface and made her consider if this is something she wants for her future. I second the suggestion to ask her if it's nothing more than just to seek some kind of answers in order to move forward. But do be prepared that her answers may bring about more questions than clarity.

[PapayaSalad]

Thank you, Assertives. You know it's funny that since it happened, the age gap isn't anything I'd even considered until I came on here and people mentioned it. It is something that as a couple we were always comfortable with, and even joked about from time to time. But now people have raised it here, it does given me pause for thought, especially in light of what you said about mortality.

 

For what it's worth, I'm fairly sprightly and energetic for my age and I am aware that I do look younger than my age. I know that doesn't change hard facts, but I'm definitely not a doddering old guy shuffling along and struggling to keep up. I suppose there's a case to argue that that might lull someone into a false sense of security for a while, until reality surfaces due to external events. I don't know.

 

In the run up to going away together she did start to have a more active social life with friends. She always had a wide circle and enjoyed being with friends, but there was an expansion of this.

This increased further after we broke up; much of her time was taken up with social events which I thought might be a natural way to keep herself occupied, and that her friends were rallying round, supporting her and looking after her. Right now her social calendar seems to be permanently full with parties and occasions, while the rest of her time is spent working. She is busy.

 

Reflecting on this, it's possible that she was already leaving me behind before our trip. I can't help but have a nagging feeling that eventually she just simply preferred going out with her friends. I may have to accept the fact that I might have become boring to her. We weren't quite the party type as a couple (we preferred weekends away, outdoor activities, restaurants), so I do wonder if she eventually got bored of this and preferred to be partying with friends. This may be where the age gap becomes a factor. Maybe I should have been more creative with my thinking in relation to keeping things varied and interesting, I don't know. That's easy to say with hindsight. She never once suggested that she was unhappy with the things we did together though.

 

I'm also aware that I met her during a transition period in her life which, now I really think about it, is a whole new factor to consider in the equation. She'd only recently moved back home after a lengthy relationship and career in a different part of the country when we met. During our time together she was retraining, so our options were limited at times because of our financial restraints, especially after we decided to save for our trip. But I thought we made the most of what we could during this time. Perhaps not.

 

But again, it's all just theory and conjecture at this stage because I simply don't know.

 

This place appears to have become a place for me to sound off and theorise with help. I could be way off the mark with my ideas, and I know that obsessing over the details doesn't change the facts. It's just that 'need to know' element that is currently driving me.

 

Thanks as always for your input and support, everyone.

Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[assertives]

For what it's worth, I'm fairly sprightly and energetic for my age and I am aware that I do look younger than my age. I know that doesn't change hard facts, but I'm definitely not a doddering old guy shuffling along and struggling to keep up.

 

I guess it isn't really about energy levels or looking your age or otherwise. It's all fun and games until reality like the toils of life and death sets in. I'd imagine things may be ideal for now, but when you are 70, and she's in her early to mid-fifties, assuming you are otherwise healthy, the disparity in energy levels, life stages and motivations will likely be alot more obvious. And if you live till your 70s, she'll likely be a widow in her fifties. Of course there's always the thought that no one knows how much time they have on earth and the older could well outlive the younger, but it's otherwise a realistic outlook. I'd hazzard a guess to say she likely either haven't given this enough serious thought or has looked at this with a different perspective in light of her father's death.

 

At the end of the day, we can only guess, as we are not her.

 

I can totally relate to the feeling of the need to know, because I'm like that too. But I've since accepted that there are alot of things in life where not every why has a wherefore. Perhaps you can also consider seeking closure from within you then talk to her.

[elaine567]

Ok with the new info, I guess you were the rebound.

That is why it seemed so perfect to you.

She slotted you directly into the cosy space her long term ex previously occupied.

Once she started waking up to realise you were not her ex and not a long term prospect, she saw no future with you.

She then extended her friend and social base in readiness for the split.

She was likely on her way out before the trip.

Now she is in full work/party/events mode.

It takes her mind off the hurt (the ex, the father, you...) and any other worries she may have, and gives her the opportunity to move on and meet someone else.

[PapayaSalad]

Yes, Elaine. That's certainly one way of looking at it and - again - something I'd not really considered before. Perhaps I was a few things; a stepping stone, a safety net, a source of support and encouragement while she was going through that transitional period of her life. It makes me feel a bit sad, in a way. Even though I have no doubt that our love was shared and genuine at the time, part of me now feels a bit used and cast aside, discarded for better options. I don't like thinking like that and I have to be mindful that I don't start to feel bitter, but I suppose it's a distinct possibility that this is simply the reality of it in the cold light of day. I dunno.

Going back to my need for answers and my inability to let go, I recognise now that I probably suffer from obsessive thinking which has become amplified enormously by the shock and grief of what has happened. My mind takes a small single piece of the events, looks at it from myriad perspectives, and is unable to settle on a version that either satisfies or provides absolution. I'm struggling - no, unable - to regulate this, currently. It's likely an existing compulsion I have, and have probably had for a long time. My need for order, OCD tendencies. I over-analyse, procrastinate, and can be very indecisive. Increasingly reluctant to take risks, fear of spontaneity. I have a need to join the dots with lots of things. Struggle with change, sometimes. And a lot of these tendencies have increased alarmingly since the break up. Funnily enough, 20-odd years ago I was the complete opposite of this. How and why it has developed, I'm not sure. But for the first time, I see now that I have issues that I need to deal with in addition to what's occurred, and that at least something positive may just come out of this whole mess...

[spiritedaway2003]

It's possible that you might have been a rebound, but what I find helpful is to not to dismiss what you had during your time together. Don't romanticize it, but don't dismiss them as anything less. Even if you had been a rebound, it doesn't mean that the things that were felt and experienced during your year together meant any less to you or to her. It helps to accept things as they are (or were). There's no need to re-write that history.

 

How are you doing in terms of the obsessive thinking? I never had any issues with obsessive thinking, until I experienced my own issues. I kept replaying things in my head over and over again, and they are largely involuntary. At its worst, it was all consuming. At one point, I thought I would sink into a depression with that and everything else I was trying to work through. With time, it helps. With a lot of self work and professional help, it helps. With breaking NC to connect some dots, it helps. I'm relieved to say that the obsessive thoughts are mostly gone, and I could work on other things. You will get over that hump too, but it takes time. I'm glad you're also seeking some counseling - it helps to talk through things. Best wishes.

[PapayaSalad]

Thanks, Spiritedaway.

Yeah, I can't let it take away the good times. They were true and real, and we created a lot of good memories in our time together. They certainly existed for us both, but just get clouded when my mind takes a negative turn. And that is the current frame of mind.

 

The number of people I confide in is relatively small, and I deeply appreciate every single person that is helping me. Each one has a different tack with me. A full range. Some simply listen, others offer opinions and gentle encouragement, some are considerably blunt. Everyone has my best interests at heart but each has a slightly different take on things, which sometimes adds more confusion at times.

 

As for the obsessive thinking, more and more I realise that is an issue for me, probably deep-seeded, and needs a lot of work. I am aware that I can't stop it right now, the need for details, replaying everything, and I see that it intrusively monopolises my thoughts. I will be getting help with this, though, and I'm kind of intrigued to find out more about how this taps into my psyche. It's a bigger picture than the break up and has always been there, albeit on a lesser scale. What happened probably blew the circuits though and it has remained stuck on max ever since. Professional help will be a start.

 

Today has been difficult at times, even though I've had plenty of distractions to keep me occupied. The things I just don't know the answer to make the loudest noise, but together with missing her a lot today the perfect storm is created. Writing here helps, so thanks to those who read and offer advice.

If anyone's ever seen a thread here regarding obsessive thinking and/or therapy, could you please signpost me towards it?

Cheers

Edited November 6, 2019 by PapayaSalad