The Grey Area Between Rational and Irrational

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry about the pain you are going through. You had a lot invested in her and of course it hurts that she has drifted away.

 

Maybe the age gap was a factor, something that one can easily think doesn't matter but then later on the gap in experience and needs starts to become more important.

 

I tend to see relationships (of any kind) as being all the little emotional ties that bind us together. Every experience, feeling, habit, has its own tie. When a relationship breaks down, each of those ties has to be undone, bit by bit. I mean here on an unconscious level. It is no wonder you are struggling.

 

Giving up on someone and taking a complete break from them is painful. It hurts like hell, but going through that pain and loss is the way to find yourself again. It is a tough way and there will be a void for a while, but gradually you will find your soul, the one that does not depend on her and who can inspire you if given a chance.

 

Those unconscious tendrils will not untangle themselves if you continue to talk with her and see her. Your mind is finding it too hard to adapt in that confusing situation. I think you have great strength; you have just been thrown into this confused and hurt state by what has happened.

 

I'm sure you are aware there is a book about 'Focusing'. At times when I have felt most confused and hurt, I have found those techniques very helpful.

 

I hope things get better for you soon. Heartbreak really is one of the most emotionally and physically painful experiences and I wouldn't seek to minimise it in the least.

[OpenBook]

I think you might have done too much! All that intensity. And you're a practicing counselor. It's all so HEAVY. Too much navel-gazing. Your essence might have been overwhelming for her (who is a way younger soul). It's a little overwhelming for me, just reading it - like this:

 

The feelings were mutual, we did talk about it a lot. Reflecting back now, the period before our trip placed a lot of demands on her - life stuff. Knowing she was busy, I like to think that I did not put any pressure on her while she dealt with what she needed to do, but remained unequivocal with my support. Conversely, perhaps I didn't actually do enough - this might have been an opportunity for me to step up more. I dunno.

 

You're striving for sainthood here. You trying to be the perfect partner (after she's already told you "sayonara") will not bring her back.

 

You don't have to be perfect!! There's nothing wrong with you!! It simply didn't work. The match was off. It is time to stop focusing on her and her needs, and start taking good care of yourself.

 

Flip the script. Haven't you ever been in a relationship where you've been the one to break it off? Didn't you feel "icky" about further discussing the relationship with the one you dumped? You simply changed your mind. End of story. You're done.

[PapayaSalad]

Thanks Spiderowl and Openbook

 

Spiderowl - I see it similarly. What binds two people together is complex, with many interwoven threads. When the connection is severed, suddenly and unexpectedly in my case, all those threads are just left dangling, and need dealing with one at a time. That's the way my mind works, at least. I acknowledge that it may be different for other people, but no two of us are the same. For her, maybe she had time to prepare and consciously or subconsciously began to deal with the threads in advance. Only she really knows, I guess.

 

I know that the way to healing is to retreat, let go, and focus on myself. I suspect that shock has led me to denial, but I am starting to see that the shock is now wearing off and I can't afford to be in denial anymore. I must be my focus from this point. Thank you for your message.

 

Openbook - I understand what you are saying. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but maybe I was inadvertently suffocating her with it. Not sure. I wasn't trying to be a saint, just trying to get it right, even after the break up. Perhaps I overthought things in doing this, which is typical of me, but it's just another one of the unknowns. All I can do is learn from it I suppose. Thank you for your message.

[spiritedaway2003]

I tend to see relationships (of any kind) as being all the little emotional ties that bind us together. Every experience, feeling, habit, has its own tie. When a relationship breaks down, each of those ties has to be undone, bit by bit. I mean here on an unconscious level. It is no wonder you are struggling.

 

@spiderowl, I love how you describe the emotional ties. In addition to the past ties, there are the future ties -- the future, the possibilities that one had looked towards. Those ties also need to be untangled.

 

@Papayasalad, this might be a good one to think about:

(things ebbs and flows, but I hope you are doing ok).