Struggling to get over her

[Leinad92]

So I started dating a friend last year. We've been friends for years and randomly started sleeping together. We didn't think we it was anything serious at first but we quickly realised we had feelings and started seeing each other.

 

She'd ended a long term relationship a few months prior and was talking about how low she felt. I told her I'd give her space and time if she needed it but she seemed to want to spend all her time with me and I didn't complain.

 

Long story short, things were amazing for the year until she went back to College earlier this year. Long distance clearly was the death sentence for us and although I was fine, she was by herself and ended up causing arguments a lot and after a stupid fight it went downhill and she ended things citing that she loves me but all we do is argue which is rich as she started every argument out of jealousy.

 

Surprisingly we stayed friends and started hanging out a lot when she came back and ended up sleeping together again. I really wish I hadn't but we agreed to be friends with benefits. I guess in my head I figured we'd end up dating again. We did talk about it and we were hanging out as much as we were when we were dating. She'd been a big part of my life and helps me out with everything, we even talked about getting a flat together. She's mentioned 100 times since that I'm the most important person in her life and she'll always love me but it just doesn't work.

 

The other month she confessed she'd started seeing someone but she wants to stay friends. I was gutted obviously but manned up and thought friendship's better than nothing. Since it was an open relationship, we were still sleeping together but it's gotten more serious with her guy now. Since then she's pretty much never got time for me but keeps insisting we're best friends. I get that she's not my girlfriend but I just feel so lost without her. I know it's my fault for thinking it was something else but I just feel so lonely now and it's the fact that she just seems like there was never anything between the two of us.

 

I have other friends of course but the group's made up of couples. Even before we started dating it's been me and her pairing up for years but now I'm just alone. She's cancelled a few pre-made plans we had lately and turned up a few hours late to my birthday party last week then left to go meet her boyfriend. We were supposed to be going on holiday in Jan which she's said she probably won't go to now. I was out with a friend the other day and she invited herself out. Spent the whole time talking about her new bf and then left.

 

It's just the fact I thought we had something special, she's mentioned I was the love of her life and I just can't get past it now. She messaged me daily to see how I'm doing but ends up talking about how she's out with new friends doing awesome stuff. I told her I think we should give each other some space as I'm struggling and she just gets upset and claims I was only interested in sex. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her out of my life but it's just depressing me how easy and quick she moved on.

Edited November 2, 2019 by Leinad92

[Leinad92]

I'd actually booked the past two weeks off for my birthday as we were supposed to be going away. I was gonna cancel it when she said she was seeing someone but she insisted she wouldn't miss it for anything and even went out of her way to book the hotel and buy travel stuff for the two of us before simply saying a few weeks back that she can't make it anymore. She keeps saying things will be the same but I just don't see her anymore.

 

She's even said she's gonna be on holiday for her birthday next month, not even acknowledging that we had plans to go away.

[schlumpy]

I don't see how you salvage this. Maybe some day in the far future you two run into each in an airport and reconnect but as for now you decidedly need to move on.

 

Block her on everything and get rid of the memorabilia. If she shows up where you live make sure she understands that it's a relationship or nothing. If she starts to argue just shut the door in her face.

 

Now comes the hard part which is getting over her. Look up the 180. You can find it on the Chumplady's website. It won't work quickly and it won't work miracles but it will help you clear your mind so you can make better choices.

 

I hope your recovery period is short.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You are obviously hurt because you had feelings and hope for a relationship.

BUT friends are friends. You need to decide if her friendship is worth keeping or not. If so then you need to decide whether you can be a good friend to her and what that involves.

You say she was a good friend helping you a lot. She is being insensitive by talking about the boyfriend to you so blatantly but she may not know how you feel. Have you told her to not talk about the bf with you?

 

You should probably take a break from this friendship to work on yourself. Then get back into contact when you are over her and can be a neutral friend again.

[Leinad92]

It's just the fact that it was only the other month that she was still spending all her time at mine. I'd get home from work and she'd prepared spontaneous meals and couldn't get enough of me. We weren't seeing each other and she was still making me feel like the most important person in the world and now it's gone and I'm just alone again.

[preraph]

Well, the problem is she has no problem now being "just friends" with you. That's what you were for a long time. She is miffed that now you can't just go back to that. I've been in the same situation (her situation, mad because a guy it didn't work out with who was a friend first couldn't just go back to being friends). I mean, it's a loss for her too.

 

There's no reason for you to feel bad you caught feelings for her, though, and she ought to understand that. I guess you're going to have to fully explain that you are truly heartbroken about this and that you cannot bear to sit around like her girlfriend now and hear about her new boyfriend. She is thinking it is because no more sex (well, in a roundabout way, it IS), but your heart is involved, and you need to make her realize that and ask her to treat you humanely and respect that you need time to heal.

 

Sorry you're going through it. No one likes to lose friends. Giving in to having a relationship with that friend I mentioned is just about my only regret because it only led to me losing what should have been a lifelong friend.

[Leinad92]

I get that. Like I just posted above, it's the fact that it was only the other month that she was still all over me. When she first ended things I took the approach of just moving on and she still messaged me every day to talk. When she got back from college earlier in the year we carried on sleeping together and she'd be heading to mine every chance she got. Even after she started seeing this guy, she was still at my house all the time. She'd be due to go meet her new guy and would cancel plans with him or postpone so she could spend more time with me. I guess I thought it would stay that way.

 

It's just the last month or so where she just seems like she's not interested.

I have told her that I don't want her to talk about her new guy to me and she's said it's not fair how she's not allowed to talk about her life and we end up arguing which isn't what I want.

 

I was at a friend's house a few weeks back, annoyed because it was during the two weeks I booked off so we could go away and she cancelled on me. I was drunk and messaged to tell her that I think we should give each other space and she just keeps turning it back into me apparently only caring about her if we're having sex. I've told her I'm upset because I wanted a relationship and she just says that it doesn't work because all we do is argue.

 

I just don't feel like I have anything to say to her anymore. I can't really go back to being just friends, I just wish she wanted me and it can't go back to that now.

[Leinad92]

I'm sorry that happened to you, it's heartbreaking.

 

I do completely get it from her point of view and I suppose I'm being selfish. It's the fact that I just can't seem to get her to understand that it is because my heart's involved and that alone is making me feel even worse about it. It makes me feel like I just didn't mean as much as I thought I did to her and that she only sees me as a friend now which hurts more than anything.

 

Had we just carried on being friends and hanging out the past few months I would understand more. But it's because she's gone out of her way to spend all her time with me, carry on sleeping with me and saying all these things we're going to do together which is why I'm struggling to accept that she simply doesn't want to anymore.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I just don't feel like I have anything to say to her anymore. I can't really go back to being just friends, I just wish she wanted me and it can't go back to that now.

 

 

If you can’t go back to being just friends than you will need to walk away and abandon the relationship.

 

Do you always want to be her fall back guy anyway? Anytime she has a break up or needs an ego boost, she will go running to you and “be all over you”. Once she gets what she needs from you, she is gone again. Does not sound like a really good friendship to me.

 

NC and block to get on with healing and get some clarity on the situation.

Just remember that NC can only be broken by you if you respond.

She can contact you all she wants, as long as you don’t respond, you will be in NC and be better emotionally.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Leinad92]

I suppose that's my only option, as much as I don't want to. I just keep telling myself she'll suddenly realise she's made the wrong choice which is just stupid so I guess I'll just let her go and move on.

[preraph]

Were you two arguing a lot when you were just friends before, or only after you became lovers? And what did you argue about, jealousy? Domestic stuff?

 

Because I mean, if you're still friends, you'll still argue, so her logic is odd. If it was arguing because of possessiveness and about her seeing another guy, I mean, who wouldn't argue about that? I guess she thought if she stopped sleeping with you, that would just go away? Too late for that. The genie is out of the bad on that one.

[Leinad92]

We never argued when we were just friends nor during the year that we dated. It was only when she went to college for her last year. I would be out with our friends and she'd send passive aggressive messages about jealousy I figured at the time because she was lonely and had no friends still at the college. We'd get past it but she's do it again a week or so later. When I came to visit I noticed she was irritable about stuff and we argued most the time about nothing while I was there for a week. The next week after I left we argued a lot over the relationship and then she ended it.

 

When she got back from college and we became friends with benefits it would be the same thing. I'd be out with friends and she would start arguments over messenger or in person if she was out and it was always about stupid little things, mainly me talking to girls or making plans with people.

 

After a while we didn't argue at all and it's been bliss. We just carried on hanging out and sleeping together so I figured she just mellowed out. Even after she started seeing her new guy, she'd still get possessive over me and cancel plans with him to come see me if she knew I was out with friends or if I got some time off work.

 

The arguments lately were of course about her new guy but that was on me because naturally I was jealous and wondering why she suddenly was constantly busy.

[scooby-philly]

You deserve better. She sounds immature and needy. No one has a right to get jealous over you having a life. Let alone someone who doesn't want a committed relationship with you. But even before that...her actions while away at school were disrespectful. A lot of people get stupidly jealous and cant be happy for others. If you were doing all you could to be there when she was away then you didn't need to get **** on. Move on my friend and just live your life.

[fromheart]

Well, your settling for a deal you don't want in order to get scraps from the table. And read what you wrote, she sounds awful.

 

I'm sure she's got a nice side but there's a side to her that obviously sucks.

 

There's far better women out there.

[rjc149]

You're feeling this way primarily because you have no other dating options to move on to. She, as a female, can do this much more easily and quickly than you can. If you had the same abundance as she does, you'd move on too, and not be feeling lonely and hurt like this.

 

This girl is keeping you in the backburner, telling you sweet nothings to keep you in orbit. It's for her own validation and self-esteem. She acts possessive and jealous over you, even while sleeping with another guy, because she wants to keep you on a string. See this, and understand this.

 

You are clearly not okay with a FWB arrangement because you have romantic feelings for her. You need to make it clear -- romance or nothing. Nothing is better than being friends. Nothing is better than being FWB, unless you can get to a place where you truly don't care if she's seeing other guys and just enjoy busting nuts with her from time to time.

 

"I want a relationship with you. If you don't want that with me, then this is goodbye. Please don't contact me again unless you're willing to make a relationship work."

 

Then walk away and never look back. No contact. The strongest position a man can take with a woman is the complete willingness to lose her. The best negotiating position in the ability to walk away from a deal that doesn't work for you. Do that. Focus on bettering yourself and meeting new girls.

[preraph]

She wasn't jealous when you were just friends. She thought things would be different if you were her boyfriend, different in ways you didn't anticipate. It's a good example of why not to try to be lovers with a friend and ruin the friendship. I mean, she has different standards for a guy she dates than a guy she's just friends with, and she has some vision of how that is supposed to be, and apparently it involved you not having nights out with your friends anymore and being really tied down, so I think overall you'd be wise to walk away from this or you'll be isolated the rest of your life and restricted to just her.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she is being extremely thoughtless. She knows you have feelings for her and yet she expects you to be understanding of her needs.

 

I think distancing yourself from her completely for a while will help you to come to terms with this and possibly help you to meet others. It is best you ignore the guilt trip and look after yourself for a while.

 

It does hurt when a 'friend' suddenly starts saying they can't be a friend any more. Logic says if they like you then why would they stop liking you? Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that when the heart is involved.

 

It's not as though you were both just friends before - you both got involved in a friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you had just been friends and not lovers, then it might be more reasonable of her to expect you to carry on being a friend.

 

She sound young and oblivious really. I am sure I was that hopeless when I was younger. One thing is for sure, if you always around and available for her, she will not get chance to miss you.

[Leinad92]

Sorry for the late reply, been busy with work.

 

Getting back on the most recent reply, we were just friends for 10 years which is why this hard. Admittedly there was always sexual tension but that was never acted on, we've both dated a lot in those 10 years so it was never a thing until last year.

 

As it is now, a week on. I did tell her in a nice way that I'm struggling with things atm and laid it out for her. I know it would never be a relationship again at this point, I realise it's kinda run it's course and that does suck but I would like to be friends in the future because we have been close for many years and experienced a lot together before we were romantic. BUT I did explain that I need some time to come to terms with things and rediscover who I am (that sounded cheesey).

 

She understands everything and knows how hard it is for me and just wants us to be able to be friends again. She's apologised for hurting me and has openly asked if I need her to **** off for a while which I declined.

 

It's her birthday next week the same day as another close friend so they're doing a joint celebration which I'll be going to. She's asked if she can see me this weekend so we can talk openly about stuff which she's okay with if I say no.

 

I'm not sure if that's the best idea? Any thoughts?

[rjc149]

I know it would never be a relationship again at this point, I realise it's kinda run it's course and that does suck but I would like to be friends in the future because we have been close for many years and experienced a lot together before we were romantic. BUT I did explain that I need some time to come to terms with things and rediscover who I am (that sounded cheesey).

 

Sounds to me like you were in the friend zone, escaped briefly, and were thrown back in. This is where she wants to keep you, safe and sound, nice and cozy, in the friend zone. But now, with the added validation of knowing she's desirable.

 

Questions you need to answer for yourself:

 

Are you truly okay with your relationship with her being purely platonic from now on? Are you truly okay with other dudes banging her and okay with her telling you about her dating life?

 

Do you want to be friends with her to for her friendship, or in order to remain in her orbit and hopefully have another romantic opportunity with her again?

 

When you were friends, were your feelings for her 100% buddy platonic, or did you always have a bit of attraction to her, a bit of romantic interest, a bit of sexual tension?

 

If you have romantic interest in her, and be 100% honest with yourself here, then I would get scarce from her life. Don't go to the party. Don't meet up with her. Don't have long talks hashing things out. Take that time to come to terms with things and move on and in the meantime, let her wonder about you and miss you.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

There's no reason to "hash things out" with her. As I and others stated - you deserve better and you deserve to heal and move on. Not saying you have to avoid her at social gatherings. But it sounds like she's confused and lost too and that neither of you would benefit any from anything but a complete, clean break in terms of romance. Don't message her, don't talk to her online, unfollow her on social media, etc. Just don't be a douche if you run into her at parties or when out with mutual friends. People don't abandon what they truly love. Your happiness and self respect is worth more than one person or one relationship.