What signs did you miss that your partner was considering breaking up?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Having my current situation in mind, I'm very curious: what early signs did you miss/overlook/rationalize away that your partner who broke up with you was unhappy or considering breaking up?

[scooby-philly]

10.5 weeks out from being dumped. Almost 2 years together. For 4 to 6 months I missed how she was being a lot less affectionate. She was initiating video (sex it was a ldr) less and less.

 

More ridiculous...there was an age gap and she was still living at home while completing her education. She didnt tell her parents about me which for some foolish reason I accepted.

 

End of June..on day we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday she got mad and threatened to take a cab back to her place...lone 1.5 hours away. Did similar things on vacation half way across the country in June and last year together. Yeah...I know...i should have walked. She comes from a shame based family...mom is angry and bitter and mean and dad is an enabler. And they're lower middle class and shes ashamed of all of that and her looks....so no matter how much love and affection and support I gave it wasnt ever going to work out because shes looking for the perfect guy and isn't ready to address her shame and work on herself.

 

Told me in June she wasnt sure about being in a relationship. I thought we worked it out but she left 2 months later. Of course, shes out 5 days later on the dating site where we met looking for a fwb with an older guy. It hilarious to me because I am everything she needs. But she cant see it oh well. I still grieve but I'm doing my best to move on after the broken heart. I deserve better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It hilarious to me because I am everything she needs. But she cant see it oh well.

 

Do you think her disliking the fact that you purport to know what's best for her instead of her knowing what's best for her is another sign you missed?

[scooby-philly]

I obviously did not mean that in a douchey way. I meant I had worker through the same stuff rmyself and would have always been loving and caring and supportive

[ExpatInItaly]

Going back several years and a couple relationships ago, a long-term ex of mine started displaying some behaviour that I chalked up to external factors.

 

He'd been getting increasingly distant, even though we lived together. Always busy with work. There were some verifiable issues going on in his job at that time, and he did suffer from a particular medical condition. So, I assumed his mind was mostly tied up in those problems, which would have explained his near-constant state of preoccupation and distraction. I still don't doubt those things contributed to the growing rift between us, but I came to understand it wasn't just those things. Not by a long shot. He was checking out of our relationship and lining up someone else.

 

Would we have survived it even if I'd known the truth? I doubt it. We were certainly headed in different life directions anyway and my interest was waning too. Looking back, I learned I could trust my gut when something didn't feel right, though.

[d0nnivain]

what early signs did you miss/overlook/rationalize away that your partner who broke up with you was unhappy or considering breaking up?

 

I was the dumper in my last 2 relationships. The first one I moved out so that should have a been a big clue. We started fighting all the time about the big stuff -- would we marry, kids etc. The 2nd one there were no signs. I found out he lied to me. I knew he was separated but not divorced when we met. He had several court dates for the divorce but they couldn't work out the property settlement agreement details. Finally he told me that his divorce was final. He lied; the case had been postponed again. I would have been annoyed that it was stretching out but I was furious when I learned he lied. I dumped him within a few hours of discovering the lie.

 

The last guy who broke up with me did it in 1992. The night he came over to break my heart I honestly thought he was coming over to propose. Boy I didn't see that break up coming. Even now, looking back I still don't see the warning signs. He told me he had been thinking about our future & just didn't see me as the wife & mother type.

[Beachead]

Well..here's one scenario in my life that sticks with me and that also had ultimately positive impact on who I became:

 

Ex-girlfriend was a very judgemental, narrow-minded person. At the time I met her, I had left University and was out for a few months because I was unsure about what I wanted to do. I was working full-time while I was sorting myself out. I had some ideas for a degree..Economics or Music..but school was still atleast a year away for me. She knew my position when she got together with me but for some reason this became a problem in the relationship to which she said:

 

"If I had known you were going to take a long time to go back to school, I wouldn't have gotten together with you."

 

Her reasons in hindsight were solely because she wanted to introduce me to her parents but couldn't justify me being out of school, as to them, it looked like she was dating a deadbeat. The fact that I was considering going to school for music only made this problem worse.

 

I should have dumped her then and there but I stayed and took it because I still didn't understand how necessary caring and respecting myself was back then. Her comments got worse over time. She'd insult the school I eventually returned to, essentially saying anyone could be eligible to get in. She presumed to know what was best for me in my life and career. Even when she complimented me, it was back-handed. I eventually did tell her that her words hurt me, but she never really apologized. I'm not sure if she thought she was being "cute" or what not but after awhile of continuously being run down like that by someone you cared about, it started to hurt. I lost confidence in myself which ultimately affected our relationship even more. Eventually she broke up with me. She wanted me to be someone I wasn't and attempted to try and change it.

 

I failed to care for myself, by failing to walk away earlier. My priorities and focus was elsewhere. I just wanted to be loved or liked by everybody. I had no sense of identity, no back-bone, no self-respect. It cost me my well-being as I wound up putting myself in a lot o social situations that were terrible for me.

 

So the lesson is, if someone starts putting you down like..that's a problem and one you have to address immediately. Otherwise, you are telling the other person, "Hey, you can talk to me like I'm piece of garbage. I'll still be here." I didn't respect myself so I only taught her not to as well. Caring for yourself, sticking up for yourself...VERY important.

Edited November 3, 2019 by Beachead

[Eternal Sunshine]

It was his birthday and he didn't want a party. He loves birthday parties and we usually planned them months in advance. That year, he said he wasn't in the mood. He broke up with me few weeks later.

[balletomane]

I didn't miss the signs. I saw them all too clearly. Paradoxically I was still blindsided.

 

I was in an abusive relationship that ended nearly five years ago. It left me with quite serious PTSD. For most of the intervening years, I just didn't feel like another relationship was even an option. Then a friend showed interest in me, and although I was drawn to him romantically too, I just didn't feel ready. I explained why. He was supportive. When I did feel ready (over a year later) we got together. I told him that I was going to need very clear consistent communication from him in order to feel safe in the relationship. We talked about what that would look like. Everything seemed good.

 

After literally one week of him being very affectionate to me, his behaviour suddenly flipped 180 degrees. He became distant, awkward, and as if he didn't really want me around him. He stayed polite, but he was very detached. The hypervigilance I experience as a result of PTSD can make me see problems where there are none, so I reassured myself that the vulnerable situation I was now in was causing me to read things into his behaviour that weren't there. He'd promised to communicate openly, after all, and I really did trust him to tell me if anything was wrong.

 

Three weeks later, he broke up with me, throwing me into painful self-doubt and exacerbating all my problems with trust and confidence. He was kind in how he worded himself, and I don't regret his choice - he has every right to leave a relationship that isn't working for him. I do wish he had had enough self-knowledge to realise that good communication is simply not something he can offer, and that he was unlikely to be a safe partner for me.

 

I did know at the outset that he struggles to communicate with people and has a habit of vanishing on them for literally months at a stretch, but he assured me it was different with me. Lesson learnt. If someone is communicative and a serial flake with others, I have to assume that I'll be treated the same one day. This was the main thing I failed to spot, looking back. My rationalisations were understandable given my PTSD symptoms.

[fromheart]

The first signs are when a disrespectful tone comes into her voice. This then evolves into cold shoulder/doghouse treatment if you continue to be with her. Abuse basically.

 

Less affection, less sex.

 

Best to walk when these signs comes up, it never gets any better.