Mission Impossible: winning back the love of your life

[Alpha999]

Hi all,

 

I'll keep this as short as possible.

 

2.5 year relationship. both late 30s, her older than me. Both divorced. I have 2 kids.

 

We had a wonderful relationship. She is very independent. We lived in our own houses. Time together was an issue because of work shifts etc. I hadn't sorted everything out from my divorce - marital home, constant bickering over children with ex wife. Shower needed fixing and ex gf asked me to get it fixed. I struggled with finances and couldn't afford to do the repairs. She didn't know the extent of my money worries.

 

Anyway, we broke up a month nearly 5 weeks ago now. We have broken up briefly back in July but I went to hers and talked it over and convinced her to try. We had a wonderful holiday together in September. She had a pregnancy scare and in the last few weeks together I sense her pulling away from me.

 

I didn't handle the break up well. I called her twice. I went to her house (she wasn't in but neighbour saw me). I sent her a letter with a book. We were to go to an event together before the split but obviously didn't. I went anyway knowing she would be there and saw her outside. She flipped.

 

Result of the above is that she has blocked me everywhere but text message.

 

Just writing the above makes me look like a weirdo. I'm a regular guy who just handled things really badly. I have already apologised for my post break up behaviour.

 

I've gone no contact. Plan to do 45-60 days then text her.

 

 

I know I've made quite a few mistakes and maybe most people here will say move on, it's over. It might well be but I feel she was the love of my life. ?Despite the above I've never said a bad word to her. I wished her good luck with a new venture about two weeks ago to which we replied thanking me.

 

Clearly at the moment she doesn't want anything to do with me. I've read an awful lot on the stages a dumper goes through and she seems to be following it to a T. No one else is involved.

 

I'm hoping things will calm down a little and she may be open to speaking to me in person. Part of my OTT response was that this time she ended things over the phone and wouldn't speak to me (I'm sure thinking I'd convince her again in person).

 

My actions haven't matched my words until recently when I texted to say I would (finally) respect her wish for space, I was having counselling and working hard on myself (the issues she'd outlined) and would like to speak to her sometime in the future when these had been sorted.

 

Anyway, I've been a mess - lost 10lbs in weight in 2 weeks, not sleeping, can't concentrate on anything else and last night had an almighty meltdown.

 

My ex wife has made selling the marital home difficult and I haven't been able to have a clean break. Since splitting with my ex I've read a ton on communication and have had a breakthrough with my ex wife in selling the house. The counselling so far has been good and meltdown aside I feel I'm getting a grip on things - communication, moving things forward with the house etc.

 

My hope is that my ex gf will see the changes I've made when I reinitiate contact in 5-6 weeks.

 

I understand it seems like a hopeless position here but I'm hoping a few things combine - including her remembering we had an incredible relationship that I spoilt by letting other issues in my life get in the way - and that if they can be cleared up things can be different.

 

Finally, we are very compatible - have many varied and quite unusual shared hobbies and interests and I'm absolutely gutted.

 

Some words of encouragement would mean a lot. Thank you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry you're going through this heartache, OP!

 

I think you'd be wise not to contact her in five or six weeks, as you're planning to do. The ball's in her court, so-to-speak, to contact her when/if she's ready to do so.

 

IMO the more you contact her the further away you'll push her.

 

It's in your best interest to move on, sorry to say. She needs to be able to think, to miss you, but if you continue to contact her you'll just annoy her.

[preraph]

Her shower or your shower? Was she asking you to pay for having HER shower fixed? I guess either way, was that the first thing she knew about you having limited funds? You mentioned it right up front, so wondering if that was a catalyst.

 

I wish I could be more positive for you, but honestly, sounds like she is really trying to be rid of you at this point, and there's no coming back from that. Anything further you do will only make you less appealing. Begging and desperation is very unappealing to women as a rule.

 

Very sorry you're feeling like this. It's easy to let exes ruin a new relationship but I feel there's more going on here.

[Alpha999]

Thank you for your response.

 

I've been listening alot to the "art of love" youtube podcast where she says to do 60 days NC and your ex may well contact you between days 45-60.

 

I feel I pushed things too far and that is unlikely to happen but I also feel that if I get to 60 days and have had no contact then I might as well put the feelers out with an apology message.

 

As I say previously the R was excellent. She'd told me I was the love of her life, said she loved me first, had talked of me moving in with her if I sold my house etc, and she said it was the best sex she'd ever had - repeatedly to me. I'm physically fit and she found me very attractive - as I did her. I bought her flowers, treated her well, just let my other life issues get in the way.

 

She said she had lost feeling. My guess is due to losing respect for me and not feeling valued as I didn't do some of the things she asked me to (again, down to money rather than not wanting to, but she feels that was an excuse). Poor communication on my part. As we broke up she said I'm a kind and generous lovely man but she doesn't want to be in a R with me, with someone who doesn't have her at the forefront of their mind.

 

I know further begging and pleading won't help (shouldn't have done it anyway) but what about an apology with an update to what I've been up to - counselling, cbt, self help etc?

[Alpha999]

Her shower or your shower? Was she asking you to pay for having HER shower fixed? I guess either way, was that the first thing she knew about you having limited funds? You mentioned it right up front, so wondering if that was a catalyst.

 

I wish I could be more positive for you, but honestly, sounds like she is really trying to be rid of you at this point, and there's no coming back from that. Anything further you do will only make you less appealing. Begging and desperation is very unappealing to women as a rule.

 

Very sorry you're feeling like this. It's easy to let exes ruin a new relationship but I feel there's more going on here.

 

In fact it was my boiler - so the shower wouldn't work. She didn't want to stay at mine without a shower (understandable).

 

She had said as we broke up that she would speak to me at some point. She then went on a pre planned holiday with a friend and I didn't contact her for two weeks. When I texted, saw her at the event etc and made things worse.

 

She still has some of my stuff including key to my house, I have some minor things of hers. She works about 2 miles from my home. I drive past her workplace to go to/from work.

 

I'm just hoping time will cool things down. I know I can't contact her anytime soon cos I'm literally on my last straw here....

 

I did read somewhere about dumpers missing people after 6-8 weeks - part of my reasoning on contacting her around that time. She did acknolwedge breaking up she would miss me

[brokenblade]

First and foremost, I am sorry you are going through this. Breakups can be a blow no matter how it happens, and while the behavior you talk about is the "wrong way" to go about it, I don't think it is rare for people to act similar to how you did.

 

That said, here is the hard part. You may have felt that she was the love of your life, but she definitely did not feel it. And you might as well take the no contact from 45-60 days to indefinite. Let her be the one to reach out to you. One sign that it wasn't meant to be was that you had to convince her to give it a try the previous time you broke up with her.

 

Also, the fact that she has blocked you in most areas and other behaviors you've described from her indicate that she may have rather negative feelings about you. For instance, the fact that she "flipped" and blocked you when she saw you at the event you both were supposed to go to together suggests that she may see you as "intrusive". I wonder if she was expecting you not to go to the event. Whose idea was it??? I wonder.

 

From what you say, she is harboring negative feelings about you and is very likely not going to want anything to do with you for a long long long LONG time. I'm talking years.

 

As painful as it is (I been through something similar, but never tried to get her back), you are going to have to accept, process, and continue to get counseling with your loss and focus on recovering and focus on yourself. In other words, move on. During the process, you may feel the urge to "show her" or "tell her off". Do not give into those urges.

 

Also, understand that she was not perfect. She has some glaring flaws too. That takes time.

 

 

Remember that the best revenge is to live well and be happy. Eventually, you will forget about her and possibly even find someone better.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LivingWaterPlease]

I know further begging and pleading won't help (shouldn't have done it anyway) but what about an apology with an update to what I've been up to - counselling, cbt, self help etc?

 

 

I don't know about an apology. It's not something I'd do because didn't you mention to her when you were begging and pleading that you knew you'd made mistakes? Or something to that effect?

 

I think it's hard to do well in a R right off the bat when coming out of a marriage. One is bound to make mistakes that will impact the next R if one gets involved too soon.

 

I think she probably broke off from you gradually during the time you dated and by the time she told you she was done. I could be wrong, but don't think I am.

 

I'd advise you not to contact her again.

[preraph]

You shouldn't be wasting time waiting for her to miss you or regret breaking up. Women rarely go back once they aren't feeling it anymore. I don't know what happened, but something did.

 

I have to assume you have already apologized. There was nothing wrong with you going to the event, but if you talked to her there, that was unwanted sounds like.

[brokenblade]

Thank you for your response.

 

I've been listening alot to the "art of love" youtube podcast where she says to do 60 days NC and your ex may well contact you between days 45-60.

 

I feel I pushed things too far and that is unlikely to happen but I also feel that if I get to 60 days and have had no contact then I might as well put the feelers out with an apology message.

 

As I say previously the R was excellent. She'd told me I was the love of her life, said she loved me first, had talked of me moving in with her if I sold my house etc, and she said it was the best sex she'd ever had - repeatedly to me. I'm physically fit and she found me very attractive - as I did her. I bought her flowers, treated her well, just let my other life issues get in the way.

 

She said she had lost feeling. My guess is due to losing respect for me and not feeling valued as I didn't do some of the things she asked me to (again, down to money rather than not wanting to, but she feels that was an excuse). Poor communication on my part. As we broke up she said I'm a kind and generous lovely man but she doesn't want to be in a R with me, with someone who doesn't have her at the forefront of their mind.

 

I know further begging and pleading won't help (shouldn't have done it anyway) but what about an apology with an update to what I've been up to - counselling, cbt, self help etc?

 

It could be that she didn't want to be with you anyway. She might've been using that as an excuse. As of right now, she is having a blast and living the time of her life with you out of the picture. Given that she was "independent" as you say, what's to say she hasn't been setting up other things.

 

There's no telling what's going on with her. Her feelings have changed which can be for any reason. She also might've been just telling you what (she thought) you wanted to hear with the love of her life and moving in.

 

As to the update, just make like any further contact would be consider as an intrusion on your behalf. Think about it this way. Let's say there was someone in your life who you concluded was very toxic and you didn't want to hear from again. The person that "If you ever heard from him again, it would be too soon." Conclude that she feels that way about you. Leave her far behind. Do everything you can to forget about her. If she wanted to be with you, she would.

[Alpha999]

Thank you. These messages are helpful in getting an outsiders viewpoint.

 

our first split lasted a few days. She said the feeling in her gut was that we didn't have enough time together or things couldn't change for a long time (children growing up, living together).

 

I know she isn't perfect, far from it. but love her all the same. She said she lost feelings only over the last few weeks together. I wouldn't tell her off. I'm trying to improve my communicatin abilities and have really been working hard on them the last month or so through self help books.

 

I forgot to say, my son follows her on instagram and she hasn't blocked him (probably forgot - she has a lot of followers) and so have seen that just 2 days ago she posted pictures from our holiday together on there (only of herself mind). Easy to overanalyse but why do that if you've been on another holiday since. I was the person who took the pictures she posted. Made me think that some time alone and she was maybe mulling things over. Again, easy to speculate I know.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[brokenblade]

I did read somewhere about dumpers missing people after 6-8 weeks - part of my reasoning on contacting her around that time. She did acknolwedge breaking up she would miss me

 

You can't put a time limit on this type of stuff. While this works that way for some, it is far more nuanced. In some cases, even if the dumper misses the dumpee, they have already decided to move on and not entertain it further.

 

Typically, if a dumper does come back, it would be long after the dumpee has completely moved on and has built a life of their own, that includes finding another relationship and being in deep with the person to the point that the previous engagement has been long forgotten. However, at that point, the former dumpee would realize that the dumper was nothing special. Also, the dumpee at that point would not want the dumper back.

 

In other words, you have to forget about her. She's already decided she is better off without you.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LivingWaterPlease]

have seen that just 2 days ago she posted pictures from our holiday together on there (only of herself mind). Easy to overanalyse but why do that if you've been on another holiday since.

 

Maybe because these pics were more flattering of her than pics from the holiday she's taken since, would be my first guess.

 

And maybe she doesn't have pics to post of herself on her most recent holiday.

[brokenblade]

I know she isn't perfect, far from it. but love her all the same. She said she lost feelings only over the last few weeks together. I wouldn't tell her off. I'm trying to improve my communicatin abilities and have really been working hard on them the last month or so through self help books.

 

I understand.

 

I'm just thinking about my experiences going through a similar kind of loss where there were days where I had a ton of anger and I wanted to "give her a peace of my mind" But that was definitely wrong on my part. I'm not just trying to help you. I'm also trying to help myself.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpha999]

just to clarify, I split from my ex wife 5 years ago. Had another R before this recent one.

 

I believe all the comments made about love etc were in good faith. I sensed her pull away only a few weeks before the latest split. The holiday etc together was brilliant, best she said she'd had. I think the pregnancy scare really shook her. She seemed to have a breakdown over it.

 

I keep coming back to if I'd done the household things she would have felt more valued and respected.

 

I feel such an idiot. I feel if I'd just accepted the break up I could have made changes and given she was willing to speak could have reconciled at some point.

 

Whilst I still hope that to be true i know I've made things a million times worse post break up. I'm gutted, absolutely gutted and have been a wreck this last month, having to take time off work, losing weight, worrying my parents, letting chores fall by the wayside.

 

I'm self aware enough to know I've been in a state of desperation but by writing this I feel like it's passing by and now I'm left with sadness. I've read a million threads on here of people coming back from dire circumstances. I'm in no position to date etc right now or probably for the foreseesable with my life cirumstances so I guess I just tidy my life up and see if she reflects on what was 99% of the R fantastic.

 

If I had any more tears I would be crying now.

[brokenblade]

Oh man, I am so sorry. I think all you can do is get as much support as you can. Hopefully you can get it here. I know the internet can be cutthroat and rather harsh, but this is a place where people deal with breakups and I believe the best way for a person to be able to move forward is for that person to know that they are not alone and that they have support.

 

I'm still hurting from 8 months ago. 8 MONTHS. I mean, I'm a lot better than I was at the beginning, but the pain is still there. But I think this helps me move on.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry, Alpha999. But you are going through this the right way in that you are grieving and processing it rather than sweeping it under the rug.

 

I'm just so sorry. You mentioned your parents. Stay in close touch with them and with your closest friends to get support from them as you process your grief. As hard as it it, people are doing it every day. It happens to almost all of us.

 

So sorry you're hurting.

[Alpha999]

Thank you all again for the comments.

 

I just really don't think there was anyone else involved. I think purely down to feelings. Hey, there may be now we've split up - a rebound or whatever, I don't know, but having sensed her drift away and the reasons she gave as we split up they seem to match the reality of the situation. I don't blame her at all, just feel incredibly stupid for not doing something about it before it was too late.

 

She is someone who use instagram alot and has already posted several shots of her holiday with her friend. We'd talked alot pre BU about her going away and her plan was for her friend to take a ton of pictures of her doing yoga etc which clearly she has. The pics she posted from our holiday are fairly non descript - browsing in a shop etc. We took 100s of pictures each on that holiday. She could have chosen from any of those but has posted pictures I took of her in a doorway?

 

I think it's best to leave peeking at her instagram alone, particularly if I'm doing NC. Just baffled by it though.

[Alpha999]

Thank you both for the understanding.

 

You don't know how much it means to be able to write all this stuff out and have other people comment and frame it for you.

 

I know deep down she has gone.

 

There's just that 1% of me that right now is clinging on to the hope that she sees we weren't just your regular couple, people commenting on how we were the best couple they'd ever seen. We did things together that I find hard to believe she will easily find again. Both love to travel, both love to train, physically fit, into meditation and yoga, love to cook, eat on the floor, ran together, enjoyed similar movies, both liked outdoor activities. My life just got in our way.

 

Again, I hope if I can sort my life out and somehow show her that both I have changed (I have been indecisive in the past and haven't communicated my worries over money - which with the sale of my house will be resolved) and that the circumstances have changed she may see things differently.

 

One telling comment was that the last time I saw her she said "you'll keep being you and I'll keep being me" meaning that nothing will ever change.

 

Well, I am changing for the better. I just hope in time she sees that. I don't mind if it is a year from now or more. I believe that somewhere down the line we are meant to be together. I know that sounds like a desperate man yearning for something but I have felt that the whole time I've known her - and I let stupid stuff knock us off track.

[preraph]

Her comment makes me think it was all the little things that worked her nerves, not even the big ones.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Working on yourself is awesome, but unless she specifically said, "If you change X, Y, and Z we can give it another shot," it's not going to work. You can't love someone into loving you back....it doesn't work that way. You may think you're the couple of the decade, but the decade is nearly over.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon. Breakups really suck!

[brokenblade]

There's just that 1% of me that right now is clinging on to the hope that she sees we weren't just your regular couple, people commenting on how we were the best couple they'd ever seen. We did things together that I find hard to believe she will easily find again. Both love to travel, both love to train, physically fit, into meditation and yoga, love to cook, eat on the floor, ran together, enjoyed similar movies, both liked outdoor activities. My life just got in our way.

 

I know that feeling. That 1% hope. But you have to let it go. Sort your life out for you. Not for her.

Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[healing light]

I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain.

 

I have to say, though.... that I find it hard to believe she would be so unyielding over small annoyances. If she really did feel you were the best she ever had, had some of the best memories she's ever had, etc. and she lost her love or attraction for you over an unfixed shower?

 

I feel like either it's something much deeper than this going on for her that you're unaware of and the smaller things were symbolic of a larger dynamic or this woman is quite unforgiving. Can you imagine if a real problem came up?? Makes me wonder who would fit the bill.

 

That's why I'm inclined to believe that it's possible you guys were having two different experiences of the same relationship.

 

I would not contact her again, I'm sorry to say. The fact that she flipped over you attending an event you guys had pre-planned and one stop by the house--her reaction was as if you're a stalker. Again, I don't think that these things are so detrimental as to have warranted a freak out if she had the same experiences of love in the context of your relationship that you had. Her reaction makes me feel like she has categorized you in some way that you may not be able to come back from, maybe she faked feelings for a while before pulling away, or maybe she just can't handle things when the going gets tough, I don't know.

 

And the instagram--don't read into that at all. She probably thought she looked hot or candidly pretty or whimsical in that doorway. She was going for the feel of the photo/her appearance and not who took it, I'd be willing to bet. If she goes on travels specifically to just have picture moments of her posted on social media....ehhh, you don't want to hear what I have to say about that. Haha.

 

So, all in all, I would try to get on with your life the best you can and then if she contacts you at some point, you can reevaluate if it works for you. But I think any further contacting of her will just have her continue to classify you negatively if her reaction from your last attempts was that extreme. I'm sorry.

[schlumpy]

I remember it took me a year to not feel a knife stab me when I thought of my ex fiancée. It's something to be endured and there was very little I could do to mitigate it. The only cure was time and distance.

 

There is no real hope for you as long as you are determined to get her back. I suspect that if you stay in this frame of mind there is more sorrow, humiliation and pain awaiting your arrival in the future.

 

One thing that might help (aside from moving a thousand miles away) is routine. Get together a daily routine to follow that you can habituate to. Sit down and do a life plan on paper that you can build on.

 

There is a program called the 180. It won't help you get your GF back but it will help you clear the fog from your mind and allow you to reside once again in the rational world. You can find it at the Chumplady's website.

 

Your only other choice is to bite on a rubber mouthpiece while the technicians send some memory blurring voltage through your brain.

[Alpha999]

Looking for advice.

 

We broke up, I've done no contact for a few weeks but a few days ago we saw each other to exchange items. We spoke and it was a lot calmer and more civil than previous post break up interactions. There was even a little joke in there.

 

I set out what I would like i.e. for us to work on things. She said she had already told me how she feels. I said I understood. Obviously a lot more was said in about a 40 minute conversation but the main gist was she was pretty open about chatting about everyday things, listened carefully about what I had to say about us, hasn't really changed position on that but has softened when it comes to chatting with me etc.

 

Now, my ex is very black and white, decisive kind of person. Makes a decision and usually keeps to it. So although she said some things one thing that stood out was her saying that she "doesn't think" she will change her mind. Now, not clinging on to false hope here but knowing her that was a choice use of words.

 

I said I'd like to keep in touch and wanted to give her a little time about what I'd said - working on things, taking it slow etc. She didn't disagree and said it would be fine to chat on the phone when I suggested in a week or so from now. At one or two points I noticed her eyes welling up when I reminisced about the past a little.

 

So I want to know what to do next. Everything I've read said to be light hearted, get her to laugh, joke etc and NOT to mention the relationship.

 

Is there anything else I'm missing. I'm an open and honest person and usually it's very difficult not to express how I feel about her. I will have to control that of course.

 

I've also read about taking baby steps. Her willingness to speak on the phone is quite a big step. This is someone who has blocked me on all social media post break up (due to my admittedly begging and pleading reaction) and only 3 weeks ago said they didn't want to speak to me anymore.

 

so baby steps. Anyone had a simliar experience where they worked things out and what sort of timeframe did it take to go from initial chatting to maybe meeting up and then on from there?

[backfired]

Do not focus on "doesnt think." She means no.

 

Breakups are tough, shes in a bad place and probably doesn't feel all that great about you still. You have to change though, that's for sure. So really dig deep... what the hell happened? Usually guys become too needy or are too distant.

 

If you were needy, you definitely need to let her chase you a bit and improve YOUR life and not focus on HERS. She should have been APART of your life, not the CENTER of it. Then you need to slowly show her that by respecting her space when she wants it.

 

If you were distant, well I don't think complete no contact will work. You need to honestly be there but don't become to aggressive. Don't send her gifts, don't keep asking for her back. Make her laugh, show her respect, HAVE FUN. It's not all about you.

 

There will be **** tests, so watch out for those.

 

And for god sake FORGET YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If she moves on she moves on, she wasn't right for you. You can not be counting days and all the crap when it happened. LET GO. NOW. ITS OVER. STOP. Until you can do that, you have no real shot, because you ARENT BEING YOURSELF. You can try and get her and also get other women at the same time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. YOU ARE BROKEN UP. ITS OVER. LET GO.