Mission Impossible: winning back the love of your life

[Alpha999]

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense.

 

I have already been on a date with someone else. We broke up 6 weeks ago after a 2.5 years relationship.

 

I have been a mess. But sought counselling, been to the doctors for medication etc and now I feel a lot better.

 

I want her back and she is willing to speak to me. As I say, I saw in her eyes a few things that showed that there is emotion in there hidden behind the hard exterior.

 

This woman is so VERY independent. I respect her for that even if it means she's a tough nut to crack.

 

I've been through an awful lot of hell with other personal stuff this last year and it affected our relationship. I guess I became quite weak and needy.

 

I have been working on myself, been reading self help books, building my confidence and it is already showing in other areas of life - with my ex wife, at work, with family etc.

 

I want the chance to show her that things can be different for us too but that's hard when you are blocked everywhere and there's limited contact.

 

Thank you for your reply though, it makes a lot of sense. I am obviously going to persevere to try and win her back - but not to do it in an overly eager and rushed sort of way.

 

Just wondered if there was anything else I should do in our contacts. Will be speaking to her again within the week.

[backfired]

Sounds like you are in a situation a lot like mine. Super independent woman, had some health issues, felt like I wouldn't ever find anybody again, and became some needy child.

 

I think on the call you need to focus on making her laugh and show her respect. Ask questions, let her do the talking. And then say are you free this week? We should get coffee.

 

If she agrees, you need to do the same things. Make her laugh, show her respect, and definitely don't be afraid to flirt... If things go really really well maybe try to steal a kiss. (This will be the hard part, because she needs to decide she wants to be with you, you cant force her to decide that.)

 

After the meeting, I would let her come to you. If she doesn't I think you should let go. Even though you BETTER LET GO BEFORE THEN. Your relationship IS OVER. You are attracted to a different girl now and for the first time, but with your clear improvements, independence, and the absolute confidence that you don't NEED her. She'll pick up on it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I want the chance to show her that things can be different for us too but that's hard when you are blocked everywhere and there's limited contact.

 

That's just it, though - when someone has blocked you everywhere and is limiting contact with you, they are no longer interested in seeing how things could be different.

 

Keeping things lighthearted and making jokes is dandy and straight out of get-your-ex-back guides, but the truth is that it doesn't make any difference is someone is truly wanting and ready to let go. You first want to see if that phone call even happens. She might have said okay just to get you off her back in the moment; she might dodge your call or otherwise keep her distance and not really think much of it if you do in fact speak on the phone. For you this a monumental step, but be aware that she is not likely assigning it anywhere near as much meaning.

 

So, ask yourself: what is it you want to talk to her about during this call? What happens if she doesn't pick up and doesn't call you back? What happens if she answers, you chat for a bit and then you hear crickets in the following days?

[preraph]

I think wasting time on someone who is no longer interested in you is just a mistake. You can't make her enthusiastically want you again. That ship has sailed. Are you willing to settle for reluctant lukewarm friendship? Because that's where you're headed. She's trying not to hurt your feelings, but nothing she has said or done is anything but "no."

[Alpha999]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Y'see the thing here is this woman pretty much always does what she says. If she didn't want to speak to me she would just simply have said. So although I'm prepared for the fact she there may not be a call, I'm pretty sure based on her words and actions there will be. I had suggested meeting up to chat but she said there was no need for that (guess I was jumping the gun a bit to be honest) and that we could chat on the phone.

 

I asked for the lines of communication to remain open and she only blocked me because I did the following: called, texted, met her outside of a show we both went to independently, tried to go to her place (she wasn't in) sent her a book, wrote her a letter. Yes, I know, all done in the name of love but seen by her as pretty stupid. Please don't focus on this in any response. I know it was stupid and can't be changed now.

 

I apologised the other day for it all. She accepted my apology.

 

What do I want from the call. To stop the damage. To show that we can have a chat, laugh, joke, even flirt, and get along. We had a fab relationship that had no arguments, just my own needy behaviour due to the issues I had elsewhere seaped in and ruined her feelings for me.

 

If she doesn't answer I'll leave it some time and try again several days later. If she is cold, I can deal with. I'm feeling pretty happy in life (this aside) and will just be my old self - confident, laughing, joking etc.

 

I'm pretty OK with the idea that this may never work out even if it is what I want...

 

I understand what you're saying about the relative importance I'm placing on this as opposed to her. You're most definitely right. Hard not to place importance on something like that when it's the woman you love. All the same, I can only go with my gut feeling which was she was genuine about it taking place

 

About the "doesn't think"...as I say a few weeks ago it was a definite NO. again and again it was a no. We broke up once before and got back together but I didn't really resolve the issues I had. So I know it can be done. I just need to show that I have genuinely changed some things about myself (which I genuinely have).

 

 

I asked her to consider taking things slow. She didn't disagree to that. She listened to what I had to say.

 

Hard to cover a 40 minute conversation in a few words. But it was a world away from the previous times we'd spoken post break up where basically she was colder than ice and was adamant that we'd never speak again.

 

We ended this meeting by me initiating a hug (she reciprocated) which lasted about 10 seconds. I then gave her a kiss on the neck.

[backfired]

I think you need to focus more on yourself and let her do some of the chasing. I know that's hard, but if she doesn't chase she doesn't want it. Every time she contacts you, I would make her laugh and try and get her to meet up. If she says no, then keep the convo short, say you're busy, and have her let you know if she changes her mind.

 

Stop initiating everything.

[d0nnivain]

there is no such thing as "after" NC. NC is forever.

 

If you are talking then you are attempting to reconcile.

 

If you already know her to be someone who knows her own mind & sticks to decisions once she makes them I think you will have a very hard time getting her to change her mind. the more you pester her by reaching out after she has said she's done the farther & faster she will run. When you annoy her you further cement in her mind that she did the right thing by breaking up.

[rjc149]

Good advice on this thread for you.

 

Disappear from her life, and focus on improving yours and meeting new women. It's hard, especially in the first few months. But the more you reach out, the more you turn her off and make her certain with her decision.

 

Her feelings may change, but the only person who is allowed to break NC is her. You will not, for as long as you live, initiate *any* form of contact with her UNTIL she has reached out to you and has agreed to meet you 100% on your terms. That may happen soon, months from now, or never -- but that doesn't matter, since you're not waiting on her to reach out. You're moving forward.

[Marc878]

You'll find out chasing just pushes them farther away.

 

Right now you're living on hopium which will just keep you hanging.

 

She's told you she doesn't want you. Maybe you should listen instead of trying to over analyze every detail looking for an opening.

[Highndry]

All this effort you're going to put forth to "win back" this gal should be spent on the next one, because this one is done with a capital D. You are wasting your time and increasing your heartache. "No contact" is forever. When I went NC with my ex, I never replied to her last 2 communications and never talked to her again. I meant it.

[basil67]

We had a fab relationship

 

Ah, but she wouldn't agree with this. If it had been fab from her end, she wouldn't have ended it.

 

My 2c is that you're on a fast track to the friend zone. She may well let you contact her and laugh and joke and hang out, but only as a friend. For romance, she will be looking elsewhere. Are you prepared to be her friend while she's dating others? If not, don't fake friendship.

[chillii]

Not one to say this stuff at the drop on a hat but tbh, sounds like it's all about her.

You got your hands full right now yeah and will have for awhile yet , yet she thinks she should be at the forefront . Well , sometimes we all should be, not just her , were you at the forefront?

But you've also had a rocky road together despite some goods anyway, she also should be more understanding and patient with your situation, supportive. Yeah you got stuff but no ones perfect real couples work through things and support each other but tbh , she sounds all about her.

And she's dumped it a couple of times already from what l gather, never a good sign, and she has no grit and staying power if she was in this properly she'd be behind you.

l'd let it go to be honest or l think you'll just go round 3 of the same. Work on your life and sitch, get in a better place, leave her be. And who knows you might even hear from her in 6 or 12mths , or not, someone else comes along, who knows.

Edited November 16, 2019 by chillii

[Alpha999]

Not one to say this stuff at the drop on a hat but tbh, sounds like it's all about her.

You got your hands full right now yeah and will have for awhile yet , yet she thinks she should be at the forefront . Well , sometimes we all should be, not just her , were you at the forefront?

But you've also had a rocky road together despite some goods anyway, she also should be more understanding and patient with your situation, supportive. Yeah you got stuff but no ones perfect real couples work through things and support each other but tbh , she sounds all about her.

And she's dumped it a couple of times already from what l gather, never a good sign, and she has no grit and staying power if she was in this properly she'd be behind you.

l'd let it go to be honest or l think you'll just go round 3 of the same. Work on your life and sitch, get in a better place, leave her be. And who knows you might even hear from her in 6 or 12mths , or not, someone else comes along, who knows.

 

 

 

Thank you to everyone for all of your replies.

 

So an update...

 

At the last meeting I said I'd call in a week or two. So I texted at that time to see if she was free to chat. She replied immediately:

 

stop it.

 

I want you to leave me alone.

 

We texted back and forth a little bit and it is clear that she is incredibly angry with me. She brought up things that I didn't even think she'd ever consider.

I've read a ton on ex's becoming like a different person and although in the shop she was calm and civil this time her messages are just pure anger.

 

So I left things a few days...then...decided that if that was to be it then I'd want to say everything I ever wanted to say.....whether that's for better or worse.

 

So I wrote a long email accepting the blame for my errors in the relationship, how I felt we'd both changed recently, the stress from life I was under at the moment with outside circumstances, that I loved her and lovingly mentioned one or two things about her that she might consider...and ended saying that I loved her and was going to sort my life out.

 

So that's what I am going to do.

 

I have a shed load of crap going on now. It's no wonder I couldn't focus on her in the relationship because I've just overrun with what's going on with me now. I'll have to shortly go to court to sort out my children (again) and my finances with ex that weren't sorted when we divorced - most likely meaning I will ultimately sell my home and move back in with my parents until I can get my own place.

 

I don't blame my ex gf from walking away given what's going on in my life.

 

When we met it was the calm before the storm where the divorce was sorted, kids were settled but I hadn't tied up the loose ends. Now those loose ends have reared their head it's like getting divorced all over again.

 

I've suffered this really the last year and it's affected me deeply - I developed a stutter, wasn't sleeping well at all....and although I tried my best to maintain a happy demeanour with my ex gf we'd obviously talk about everything going on and I think bit by bit I used her as a crutch and lost my mojo.

 

So I'm going to get it back... Not for her. Everyone says that but we all know they mean for her. In my case it's more like this - she's been the love of my life, said the same thing to me, and I do want her back even if now it's the case that there isn't any chance of that happening.

 

But I've lost myself. I am not happy - not break up unhappy but life unhappy. When we met I was confident, had more money, more free time, physically very fit through going to the gym very often. I'd laugh, joke and everything else. Hence we had a fantastic time.

 

I can't help feeling it's timing and circumstance.

 

So I hope to get myself back (and beyond) the happy person I used to be and when I do I am going to contact her and she what she says.

 

Now that may well be in 6-12 months time. She may well have moved on, ignore me, be with someone else...or be free and open to communication. What will be will be.

 

I've never done no contact before. This time in the first weeks I attempted it but was browsing instagram a lot keeping tabs. That's all changing. It's not healthy. No contact means no contact - I deleted all my old photos today. I deleted the app so no temptation to look.

 

I've been incredibly sad today - crying and feeling hugely emotional, because to this point I've always had that hope that next time, next week, the next text...things may change. Now it's in the lap of the gods. I'll be getting on with my life and getting to the point where in many months time if I do message her and she doesn't reply I'll be so happy in my life that it will be a minor disappointment and confirmation it wasn't meant to be rather than the earth shattering sadness it has been recently.

 

I do wonder how someone can seemingly move on with no emotion. I understand she'd have processed it all before the split but still a split is a split and I just don't get that we can go from a relatively short time ago being on fire together to just seemingly hating me now...when all I thought I did was support her. What was telling in her last message where she responded to my long email was that she basically ignored the reasons and apologies I gave for mistakes I'd made and just chose to highlight other areas of life that just seem trivial in comparison to the issues she'd highlighted area. I know she's in that angry phase where there's no talking to her right now. I guess I learnt that the hard way.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[schlumpy]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

Good luck. Thank you for the update and sorry I could not be of more help to you.

[Alpha999]

A quick update.

 

I've recently been veering between feeling relatively fine and then awful again.

 

I'm beginning to do lots of things that will help - been on two dates since the BU, rejoined an old meetup group and intending to go out more, playing guitar again, reading self help books and continuing with counselling.

 

Just a thought on my ex...

 

In one of our last contacts a week or two ago she said that her feelings for me had been replaced by real sadness. Reading a lot on the stages a dumper goes through I wonder how this fits in. I get the general impression that now pretty much 2 months since the BU still is still in the relief/excitement phase. This is based on her IG posts which I can still access (but probably shouldn't).

 

I'm sure some will reply saying why worry, move on etc. I'm trying to do that (need to stop looking at IG I know) but I've read plenty of posts on here of exes reconsidering things many months down the line as they go through the various post BU stages....that's if they do (and they're left alone) - lots of ifs eh.

 

You've heard it all before but I think I can rationally say she is the love of my life and somewhere down the line I do want her back...even if that is months from now. Let's face it, given my life's circumstances now (see earlier posts) I am in no position to commence a new (serious) relationship right now (whether with my ex or anyone new) and it will be February when there's a court hearing with my ex-wife before there's movement with that. I'm pretty certain there's no-one else involved with her (ex GF) and as she works in retail once Xmas hits she usually goes a whole month without a day off and doing nothing more than going to work and sleeping - so rightly or wrongly that little 1% of hope in me feels like she could still be single when things move on for me in my life.

 

I'm thinking at that moment I am going to send her an accountability letter...ending with asking her to meet up for a coffee. By that point it'll have been 5 months since the BU and 2.5 months NC and I hope to be feeling much better - to the point where if she agrees and we start the reconciliation process then great but if she doesn't and either doesn't reply or gives a negative reply then it will be a case of minor disappointment rather than the earth shattering sadness I've felt since the BU.

 

Any comments welcome. Thanks.

Edited November 28, 2019 by Alpha999

[Alpha999]

Just adding, when I first joined this meetup group years ago post split from my then wife I had a couple of dates with a gorgeous girl of similar age from the group and there were others who appeared keen (asking me to go to events with them etc)....the point being I am quite excited about getting out and about and meeting new people...and who knows...possibly meeting someone new eventually.

 

I don't plan on sitting around counting the days for my ex to come back (if she ever will) but I do want her back.