How do I move forward with dating and my love life as a whole after this?

[hannahl9811]

How do I (F21) move forward and grow with my love life after a nasty situation with my ex (M22)?

 

I recently cut all ties with my ex-boyfriend (M22). Before I get into the circumstances of this cut-off, I want to describe what our dynamic was beforehand.

 

We broke up during the summer because of how miserable he had become. We began dating at college, I graduated and he had to move home and take a semester off for financial reasons. Once he moved home he turned into a different person. Constantly lying to me, seeking out “friendship” with girls who he dated (and cheated on, as I later found out), acting like a child in public, punishing me with his anger, making my emotions a joke. Found out a girl he was always hanging around he actually dated before making it official with me, but didn’t want to stop hanging out with her out of fear of “hurting her feelings.” Whenever I found out about something else he’d done to hurt me, I would react pretty emotionally, and he’d use that as an opportunity to screenshot texts, send them to his friends, and talk about how crazy I am.

 

I began to contact him less and less, but knowing that he was incredibly depressed and lonely at home, I still tried to be there for him.

 

Now the circumstances of why I cut him off.

 

A coworker of mine died after being in a gruesome car crash last weekend. I was distraught at this news. She was so young, a mother, and I saw her nearly every day.

 

When I went to confide in my ex about the situation, his response disturbed me. He basically told me it was annoying that I was so sad because “this person did nothing for you and contributed nothing to your life.” He then said other people’s sadness is no reason for me to be sad, and I need to learn that.

 

At that point, it was clear to me that I could no longer speak to him. Empathy is something I value immensely in other humans, and in that moment he made it blatantly obvious he lacks empathy.

 

I respectfully told him the next day that I didn’t think communication between us was serving either of us. I told him I wished him the best, hoped he finds happiness again and is able to pull himself out of whatever he is going through.

 

Two nights ago, he sent me a picture of every letter and card I’ve written him ripped to pieces along with one message: “I hate you.” He blocked my number as well (just gave him a general text back, “why do you hate me?”).

 

I know the game he’s playing: he wants me to have some wild reaction to that message, by contacting him on other social media platforms. He wants me to react, and while I might’ve done that a few months ago, I refuse to now.

 

There is a little voice in my head that keeps telling me that maybe I did do something so horrible that now he hates me. This is bothersome to me because I don’t like being on bad terms with anyone.

 

I am so frustrated, angry, and upset. All I’ve wanted since growing into the person I am now is a healthy, loving relationship and at this point it feels impossible. This particular relationship has made me even more cynical of the intentions of other people, and I’m afraid I’ll struggle to find a good guy who won’t treat me as this guy did.

 

Going forward, what advice do you have for me?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My advice for you is to be glad that at only 21 years old you have a wise and level head on your shoulders to get rid of this guy! He sounds unhinged. His lack of empathy would bring you nothing but a life of misery and probably destroy your self-esteem in the process.

 

You definitely did nothing horrible to warrant his "hating you." You can and will do better! Don't let this ONE guy out of billions make you lose your faith in all the rest of them. There are plenty of good ones out there. Just hang around LoveShack and you'll see some of them .

[sunbaby]

You're still so young, try not to let this ruin your view on relationships. And you definitely did nothing wrong to warrant being hated. It sounds like the relationship was very one sided and despite trying to be there for him what you got in return was being made fun of with his friends and no support when you were trying to grieve your co-workers death (which is perfectly normal to feel terrible about even if you weren't close)! It'll take time to get over as everything does and i hope you find someone who treats you better than this guy did.

[preraph]

Yours was a perfectly good deal breaker. Empathy is absolutely essential. he really showed who he was with those comments which were really cruel. he showed you the only cares about someone if they do something for him. he has no empathy and could actually be a sociopath or narcissist. So to me that is a very good reason to break up with someone.

 

I once broke up with a guy because I found out he wasn't cleaning his guinea pig cages when I had to go in and use the restroom during the day and he had a cloth thrown over the cage. I can't stomach people who aren't good to animals. That was my deal breaker.

 

Block him and cut ties with him. You Are Young and it was probably only a matter of time before you moved on and outgrew him anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy sounds mentally unbalanced, OP. Never contact him again.

 

You will heal, but you first need to work on your inner strength. You turned to your ex in a time of need, which would make sense if you were still on friendly terms, but it appears you weren't. This is your cue that you need to build up your social circle and self-esteem so you don't seek out a shoulder to cry on from someone who has already demonstrated themselves to be so toxic.

 

This won't ruin your view of relationships forever if you don't let it. You are young and have plenty of time to work on identifying bad behaviour in guys and walking away from it rather than trying to work on things that can't be worked on.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about your colleague's passing. That is heartbreaking.

 

You will survive this break up. Take that as gospel & hang on to it.

 

Give yourself time to grieve. You lost something previously special to you. NC is a given. Then you purge. Get rid of all the mementos or at least store them in a big box stored deep in your parents' attic. Download all photos onto a memory stick & put that in the box too. Keep yourself busy. Now is a good time to throw yourself into your new job or even get a PT job where you bank all the money for your future. Shake up your routine.

 

In time you will heal & be open to love again. In your shoes I would not be actively seeking a new relationship until at least next summer.