I Just cant believe it..

[wtm78]

Hi guys, please bear with me if I am repeating my story..

 

I married my wife less than 3yrs ago. When we were dating, she is the most amazing person. She is smart, intelligent, energetic, she is easy going, lovely, easily happy. We get along fine. I was so amaze how easy the relationship is. We just happy and enjoying each other's company. I was so amaze how happy I made someone feel, without trying so hard. I was being myself. I enjoy her company and how she made me feel. We had our disagreement, but it was always civil. We were able to voice out our differences and resolved them in an adult manner. We talked about it, made some adjustment to make everyone happy. So I thought to myself, hey this could work! and yes i proposed and we got married 1 year later.

 

That is why everything goes south... Looking for a house, the reno, the furniture, the decor, the wedding, the venue, programme, the events, the little details.. We just cant agree on anything... . At first we set criteria for our house hunt, so to narrow down the search. But she doesnt stick to the criteria. She based everything on her feelings. She can view the house and have different feelings about the same house on different days.. we viewed more than 120 apartments in the same area. Until I gave up and let her pick whatever she wants to pick because its just too annoying to go through that process. Now I found out that was a bad start to a marriage.. The same thing goes with the reno of the house, the furnishing, the decor, the wedding. I hated the whole experience. I just went along. Because you know, Happy Wife Happy Life.. That is really a fantasy.... I gave my opinion, I was not heard. And slowly I started to feel insignificant in the marriage. In the end, she wants it the way she wants it.. And she was not being Bridizilla about it... She is just really persistent about it until she gets it her way.. and I was like.. Its not worth fighting for.. and gave in... That is where the problem comes.. The more I gave in.. The more I lose respect of myself... The more I felt not heard and The more I felt insignificant..

 

Then comes the daily annoying habits.. Usually, the biggest gender stereotype is that the guy is the dirty one and the wife is upset about cleanliness. Mine was really the opposite.. She was really messy and disorganized. I have used sanitary pads on the kitchen floor, in the bed sheets, in my fresh laundry etc... She treats our fridge like an unmaintain office pantry fridge. There were expired dairy (she drinks a different brand of dairy from me), moldy leftovers, rotten fruits. She leaves biscuits wrappers on the table, in the rooms (and then leaves and go overseas for work). - What's that? I should speak up and talk to her about this?? Yes - I DID! When I do, she goes into defensive mode, and start bring out things that I didn't do that is off the context (for example, I asked her to come up with a chore list and lets split the chores, and we know what we are all responsible for. But she sat on it. I bring it up everytime and she sat on it. And insist that she will do all the chores out of love. But everytime when she clean up after herself, she will bring up "Of all the things, I have done for you.....".) If you get what I am describing, things starts to turn sour really soon.

 

Oh her work... We got married about the same time her boss got married. Once we got married, her boss gave her more responsibilities.. Changed her job portfolio... Our plans was to have a family.. But because of all the sudden change in responsibilities, she had to fly very often... and everytime she flies, she leaves me a mess to clean up after her... She got very busy.. We had no time for even dinner... She flies a lot for days to weeks.. When she is home, she works throughout the night.. Dont get me wrong.. I was happy for her that her bosses gave her more to do... Then we had all these tension unsolved. Everytime I want to talk about the issues, she get defensive, she brush me away.. She leaves more mess for me to clean up... Rejects my effort of being nice to her (like waking up earlier to make her breakfast and she rejects the breakfast)..

 

There was a day 2 years back, I decided to give her a last chance and told her we either seek counselling or get a divorce.. She say she would go, but in her heart she did not want to.. Another issue.. Everytime, I want to do something that I enjoy and she doesnt like it.. She will still be nice and go along. BUT she would SULK and make me pay for the whole day... I also slowly started to realise the once easy going simple girl next door had started to change... She would not go to the local places I enjoy going, or local food that i like eating.. She starts to disapprove my dressing... she wants better quality food and clothes and stuff.. and she doesnt admit it...

 

to be frank, I am very hurt... I am very upset.. and I really felt taken for granted.. I felt that I had made a wrong choice.

 

I just cant believe how someone so nice and so dear to me is a now complete strange to me..

[MountainGirl111]

Your marriage sounds like a nightmare... I couldn’t tolerate the messes she leaves.::: it sounds like she craps all over you..: you have my condolences

[ajequals]

sounds like you married a lady that is large and in charge. It's still early but it's going to be a uphill battle to split up your everyday life to be a 50-50 relationship. I'm not saying it can't be done but it takes to to tango, that want the same thing...splitting up chores ,expenses,etc. your both need to sit don't and work out if you want to do this

[mark clemson]

...I felt that I had made a wrong choice.

 

 

I think you need to insist that your needs be met. For that to work, there need to be consequences for them not being met.

 

For that to work, you need to think very long and hard and be very clear on what you are willing to do and not do, give up, and compromise on. IF divorce is on the table, what would make it unavoidable?

 

Although we haven't heard her side of the story, it sounds like this woman is walking all over you right now. I think you should be very glad you didn't have a family with her as IMO this stuff definitely needs to be straightened out before you get serious about that.

[TeddyPSmith]

I feel like we dated the same girl. There is just no reward in that kind of relationship and it just builds resentment.

 

I think these relationships hurt much worse because you feel taken advantage of and can sometimes blame yourself for its failure.

 

It sounds like you have to take a stand with her and be prepared to be met with hostility. But you have standards and should enforce them or it will only get worse. Good luck brother

[wtm78]

i just saw the 9th counselor i sought out this past 2.5yrs. He was very honest. He said there is nothing he can do to help me. he said i need to take care of myself.

 

but frankly i am not doing so well.

 

everyday, i just dont feel like doing anything. not that i am lazy or procrastinating. i know because for the last 2 years i have been trying to get out of this rut... i was in a corporate job.. i was doing well.. but i couldnt bring myself to go to work, when i was at work, even though i was working, physically and mentally doing work and making things happen. my heart just ooze out an intense pain. i didnt know what it was. i thought i wasnt happy at work, i quit my job and started out my own business. with all the drama at home, i could not get into the right frame of mind to give my best.. the last 2-3years, i tried exercising... i tried eating right.. i tried motivation talks.. i tried reinventing myself.. i tried so many things to get myself out of the rut.. somehow i know that there is this unpeace in my heart... there is something i am longing for.. the feeling of disconnect... the pain of loneliness in my heart.. dont get me wrong.. i was not looking for my wife to fill my loneliness... but its the pain of having someone in my life but yet still feeling lonely that is eating me up.. i dont know if this make sense to you... you know if you have someone to go home to and know that the someone will be there for you.. there is that certain peace.. as compare to me being married, having someone to go home to, but that some is not reliable, and if there is something bad happens to me, i dont know if i would be well taken care off.. its that kind of unrest i have..

 

i dont know.. i am just feeling very down today.. i am feeling like i am trying to stay afloat and to catch a breath.. i am just trying to survive..

[spiritedaway2003]

the feeling of disconnect... the pain of loneliness in my heart.. dont get me wrong.. i was not looking for my wife to fill my loneliness... but its the pain of having someone in my life but yet still feeling lonely that is eating me up..

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. That is a very painful feeling -- to feel alone when you're not alone.

 

I would ask you this:

Do you think you might be problem (do you have depression or as you said, just "stuck in a rut") or do you really think your incompatibility with your wife is the key problem here?

 

I guess another way I would ask you to think about this is: If you divorce your wife, do you think you would be happier, even if you are alone, all by yourself? Does that thought give you any sense of peace?

 

If the answer is yes, make a decision to move on. If the answer is no or if you are still indecisive, continue to work on things with her in MC until the situation improves or move on if they just can't be fixed. This depends on the two of you and how much both of you want to make things work.

 

If you can't find that peace in your heart, maybe it's time to pause and figure out what it's trying to tell you.

 

Chin up. When you're down, things can only look up. Best of luck.

[Mixah]

I'll break this down into two parts.

 

 

 

1) You are not respected as a human being, as a partner or as a man. It's simple. She has zero respect, and likely won't change. The only thing you can do is try to correct it, and if she just isn't going with it; then it's time to leave. You can't make someone do or act a way they just won't.

 

 

 

2) The change occurred after she got what she wanted. It's pretty normal. Everything is great and awesome, then the marriage happens and all of the sudden things change. She got her dream fantasy, and that's that. The honeymoon phase didn't last long.

 

 

 

Regardless, you need to do what is best for YOU. If that means leaving; go for it, hit the door and don't look back.

[major_merrick]

Your marriage sounds like my husband's ex-wife! Cleanliness differences and all the rest. I think lots of women change after the wedding once they've gotten what they want. Like others have said, I've got bad news: You're never going to see the person you dated again. She's gone, as she was an illusion to begin with. Who you have now is who you'll have for the rest of your marriage. So you've got a choice to make.

 

1. You can stay with your wife and try to adapt, but you'll have to deal with your misery and adjust your expectations. It can be done, and lots of husbands have figured out how to make it work.

 

2. You can stay with your wife and try to change her (with little or no success) and you'll fight a lot. Eventually she'll leave suddenly.

 

3. You can carefully plan your divorce, take care of yourself, and try to minimize your pain by planning and preparation. Take the initiative and surprise her with the divorce once you are ready.

 

Any of those three choices is going to hurt like hell.

My husband tried to change his ex, and she divorced him. Broke his heart. I got to watch that pain, and I feel for you.

[S2B]

When staying married causes that much unhappiness - I’m a believer that it’s better to just divorce. Especially if she isn’t likely to change.

[chillii]

First thing you gotta do is lose that ridiculous happy wife happy life thing. That will just end up more like happy wife miserable husband in that case as it is now.

The man needs to be just as happy too and to have that same concern from her, as in happy husband happy life, you both need to be happy and content and to feel all the things we like and need and should feel from the other. At the mo' , it's all her, there's no you in this.

She knows exactly what she's doing in the ways she reacts , leaves you feeling like this , gets her way and off she goes.

You really don't have much choice but to try and straighten the bs out and stop falling for her tantrums and to reestablish a bit of respect from her.

That'll just cause more tantrums for awhile but you need to stand your ground in all this or what you got now is gonna be your life and she'll probably just wake up one day and want a divorce anyway in 10yrs time if you haven't divorced her by then.

Maybe gentle but firm might help avoid some bs along the way.

 

Good luck

Edited November 7, 2019 by chillii

[stillafool]

I don't subscribe to the "happy wife, happy life" thing. It's ridiculous and completely unfair. Both spouses should be happy in a marriage or it won't work. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare.

[MountainGirl111]

Your wife has some serious mental problems. Don't know how a person gets around that! But you are obviously miserable and that's just not right. You need to do what makes YOU happy for a change.

 

I get when you love someone you naturally want to please them...but according to your posts it got out of hand there and the scales have been unfairly tipped in the direction of trying to make her happy or more like trying to stop her from going psycho on you. What kind of life is that?

 

I get you don't want to be lonely and/or not have someone to take care of you, but seriously....it doesn't sound like you will take care of you as it is...

 

Having true peace involves BALANCE...the scales are greatly tipped here....and...it's hard to be at peace when your life is like you've described

[wtm78]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. That is a very painful feeling -- to feel alone when you're not alone.

 

I would ask you this:

Do you think you might be problem (do you have depression or as you said, just "stuck in a rut") or do you really think your incompatibility with your wife is the key problem here?

 

i have been through quite a traumatic experience of marriage, coping with the suicide attempts and threats... I dont think i have recovered..

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/690854-thinking-divorce-i-don-t-know-if-i-should-2.html#post7879191

 

at the same time, i have family member in severe depressions, and other family members blaming me for it.. so i am basically on my own now, no family, no friends, no job, no income, business is put on hold.. every night i close my eyes i wish i dont have to open them again...

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/691760-every-time-i-needed-help-there-were-no-one-i-can-t-afford-down

 

 

I guess another way I would ask you to think about this is: If you divorce your wife, do you think you would be happier, even if you are alone, all by yourself? Does that thought give you any sense of peace?.

 

i guess previously it was a couple decision for me to quit my job and start my business. hoping that we can have a better lifestyle... the plan was that she is still working so i have the time to establish my business... now with the separation, its burning my savings faster than as plan without her help.. this really struck me really hard..

 

i often asked myself this question, were we really ever married?? i reckon not, she had not been there from the beginning, with all the frequent flying... physical absence... and emotionally she wasnt there as well.... so it is very sad for me to say that i was married but had always been alone...

 

 

If the answer is yes, make a decision to move on. If the answer is no or if you are still indecisive, continue to work on things with her in MC until the situation improves or move on if they just can't be fixed. This depends on the two of you and how much both of you want to make things work.

 

If you can't find that peace in your heart, maybe it's time to pause and figure out what it's trying to tell you.

 

Chin up. When you're down, things can only look up. Best of luck.

 

how do i know what my heart is telling me? i have been searching for the answer for quite some time now...

[spiritedaway2003]

i have been through quite a traumatic experience of marriage, coping with the suicide attempts and threats... I dont think i have recovered.. at the same time, i have family member in severe depressions, and other family members blaming me for it.. so i am basically on my own now, no family, no friends, no job, no income, business is put on hold.. every night i close my eyes i wish i dont have to open them again...

 

I read your other threads. When you're down and you're thinking about all your 'problems' at once, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is there. Focus on tackling one thing at a time. Everything I say below is a lot easier said that done, but some food for thought:

 

1. You're separated so that's a good first step. Remove yourself from the toxic situation. Suicides and suicide attempts are serious matters and you should get her professional help. We all want to help the people around us, but people also can't be helped if they don't help themselves.

 

2. I have family member in severe depressions, and other family members blaming me for it.. so i am basically on my own now.

Take the blame off yourself. You're not to blame for everyone else's issues. If you don't how to, talk to your therapist. If you have a bad therapist, change it. (I've done it). It sounded like you have changed a lot of therapists, which is also concerning. What is it about them that didn't work? Or are they giving you advice that you just disagree with?

 

3. No friends. Focus on picking up yourself first, in your attitude and approach to life. It's hard to make or keep friends if you're down all the time. Keeping a journal of gratitude might help.

 

4. No job: Look, I'm also currently out a job and it's demoralizing. Rejections aren't fun, but it is temporary. Don't get jaded. Pick yourself up and keep applying until you find something. If you can afford to hold out for something better, then wait. If you can't, then take the first reasonable opportunity. Seasonal jobs are available if you have dire financial needs.

 

5. the plan was that she is still working so i have the time to establish my business... now with the separation, its burning my savings faster than as plan without her help.. this really struck me really hard..

Of course it's hard. But, you're also binding the two together, leaving you feeling trapped when you don't need to. Hold off on your dreams of your business until you stabilize yourself financially. That would unbind you from having to rely on your wife (given that you're separated). FWIW, when I had my own side business, I did it as a supplement to my job. Having to rely on your wife financially for the business to happen is a risky move and puts a lot of strain on the family. Part of business planning is to plan for failure too. It seems like your business is not in a place where it could financially support you. And given everything that's going on, maybe it's time to evaluate if it's time to shut it down and instead focus on finding a job that would give you back that steady income while you work to pick yourself back up.

 

6. how do i know what my heart is telling me? i have been searching for the answer for quite some time now...

Do you still love her? Do you realistically believe that you could turn things around? Are you both really to work on it? (Just from reading your posts, It doesn't sound like the woman you met before you got married is there anymore). Do you see a future together? Are you at peace with yourself? Are you happier with her or without her? At some point, when a relationship is over, over you just know. Maybe you're not there yet. You don't need to decide it all now. You're separated now so you have a little time to think about it. Separation isn't permanent, but sooner or later, you will need to make a decision. While you have the time now, stabilize your situation and focus on solutions (I'd start with the job search first) instead of dwelling on everything that's not working.

 

You cannot stay in a place of indecision forever, but it seems like that's where you're lingering.

Hang in there. One step at a time, and best of luck.

Edited November 8, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[spiderowl]

"to be frank, I am very hurt... I am very upset.. and I really felt taken for granted.. I felt that I had made a wrong choice."

 

It sounds like you did make the wrong choice, probably because you did not know her very well beforehand. It is something we all do, forge ahead in love and hope, and then find out whether we are really compatible!

 

You are not happy. She does not seem willing to go to counselling with you. She does not seem satisfied with the lifestyle you thought she loved. Is there really any point carrying on with a relationship that is not making either of you happy?

[wtm78]

It's been torturing thinking about my situation. I gone through the same process with my counselor and he says my wife cares for me and the marriage very much. But I said if she loves me and cares about the marriage why isn't she doing anything? Counselor said she doesn't know what to do or say.. In that case she should seek help, I said. Counselor say some people are not so forth coming.

 

Somewhere in another dimension I am not wrestling with flesh and blood. Wife doesn't want divorce, doesn't want counseling, doesn't take responsibility of her doings. Just sits there and cry like a baby........ it's just bloody frustrating...

 

 

I feel like screaming on top of my lungs.... gggrrrrr.....

 

 

Divorce is not my choice, I'm out of options...

[BaileyB]

Divorce is not my choice, I'm out of options...

 

No, it’s not your choice but for lack of any other solution, it’s your only option.

 

My partner says that he knew when he stood at the alter that he was making a mistake, marrying his ex-wife. He said that his stomach was upset, he was not excited, and he had a sense of dread. But, he said you get going down that road and you feel like you can’t turn back. So, you hope for the best.

 

It sounds similar for you. There were warning signs that you did not heed, that you can no longer ignore.

 

Life is simply too short to waste years of your life in an unhappy marriage. You have no children, best to cut your loses and go in search of something that will make you happy.

Edited November 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

What keeps you from moving out and filing for divorce?

 

You are in crisis now and you have been in crisis for years. That is the absolute worst time to make a decision, because when you are in crisis you lack the perspective to see the whole picture and make a good decision.

 

When someone is in crisis, what is the advice we give them? Take a deep breath, take a step back, rest — and when you are feeling calmer, you can begin to deal with the problem. That’s exactly what you need to do.

 

A separation would be most helpful. Talk to a lawyer, perhaps file for divorce - if you file, it doesn’t mean that you have to divorce. But, it begins to create some distance which allows you to settle yourself and assess the situation from a different perspective.

 

Your primary goal right now should be self care. Find somewhere to go where you can create a safe and peaceful place for yourself. Find support - friends and family, continue with counselling. And take the time that you need to find your bearings again... Then you can assess your marriage and make decisions about your future.

Edited November 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Why would you stay married when she won’t woek on things and she won’t change.

 

When a spouse won’t consider the other spouses feelings there really isn’t a union.

[FMW]

Of course divorce is not your choice, but if you've tried and nothing is changing, staying is making a choice to stay miserable and depressed.

 

There are no good or happy choices at this point. But you have to make one.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Can you stay married to her, live separately and just date? Maybe in the process you'll figure it all out.

 

It's very hard to make decisions when one is depressed and it seems you are at this point.

[preraph]

There's people you can love but not live with. Counseling isn't going to change how she is about housework. Sounds like she was raised entitled to do anything she wants or not do anything she doesn't want. That's engrained. I mean, if she's a teenager or maybe younger than 25, it's possible she might mature and change, but probably not as long as she's got you to continue to pickup after her like her parents did.

 

So to me, there's two things you can do:

 

Get a divorce and never live together again and either keep seeing each other or not, but not ever have kids together.

 

or

 

Get a housekeeper that both of you pay for who is there every day. Normally, I say having one in once a week is affordable and enough, but if she's leaving sanitary pads on the floor, this woman is an orangutan between the ears. That'd beyond anything I've ever heard of as far as mess. Yuck.

 

Having kids with her should be a no-go. They will just do what she does and then it will be three against one.

 

Neither of those choices gives you your self-respect back, and so I would agree that it is probably best to just leave her behind.

[wtm78]

i did something i shouldnt have... i broke NC... and i did something i shouldnt have... but i was so angry.. keeping it inside for so long... i let it out... i texted her... saying that she should be fair to me.. she sat on every thing from housework to everything that she should be doing.. i asked her to file for the divorce and she sat on it...

 

She replied saying that i am blaming her for being lazy and that i didnt ever bother that she is in a bad state.. that i am so full of hatred... but her heart is still love and hence she didnt file for the divorce..

 

now i sounded like a really big a**hole...

 

maybe i am...

Edited November 18, 2019 by wtm78
update

[S2B]

So what?

 

She can justify her behavior all day long...

 

More reason to file for that divorce yourself! Stop waiting on her (AGAIN) to do things!

 

She isn’t a gal who gets things done!you want it done? Do it yourself.

 

And stop apologizing for telling her for real how you feel about her being lazy.

 

 

She isn’t changing! There’s nothing that can be fixed when she won’t change.