Wow that was fast - widower of good friend who recently passed dating already

[d0nnivain]

A friend of mine lost her 3 year battle with cancer in March 2019. We all knew it was coming but it was heartbreaking to say that final goodbye.

 

On Friday I attended a party where I bumped into her youngest son. When I asked about his dad who is also my friend, the son informed me that his dad was dating. I was taken aback. I said the right things. Asked the son how he felt; asked if she was a nice person; & shared my feelings about my dad starting to date again after my mom passed several years ago.

 

But geeze . . . 6 months just feels so fast. How do I get a handle on my reaction so I don't inadvertently say something rude or judgmental when I bump into the dad? My friends had been married for almost 30 years.

[preraph]

Realize that with long illnesses you often mourn the loss of the person even years before they actually pass.

 

That said, he's used to having someone and some people just feel they can't be alone for 24 hours. Plus he doesn't want to go without sex (and with her sick, that's probably been an issue for a long time), so he's grabbed on when he got the chance.

 

I do turn up my nose at people who can't even be alone long enough to properly process something and I've experienced it firsthand, to my detriment. But not everyone is autonomous and strong. He's probably been in a depressing situation for a long time, and everyone is different what they can tolerate, so I'd not leap to conclusions and judge him. I'd just stop thinking about it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dating six months later is strange, in my book.

 

I don't think you need to walk around worried about your negative thoughts creeping into things when you see him. So what if they do? Might be a good check for him.

 

I think the burden is on HIM to be aware that others will think it strange he has "recovered" so fast.

[lavenderandvelvet]

A friend of mine lost her 3 year battle with cancer in March 2019. We all knew it was coming but it was heartbreaking to say that final goodbye.

 

On Friday I attended a party where I bumped into her youngest son. When I asked about his dad who is also my friend, the son informed me that his dad was dating. I was taken aback. I said the right things. Asked the son how he felt; asked if she was a nice person; & shared my feelings about my dad starting to date again after my mom passed several years ago.

 

But geeze . . . 6 months just feels so fast. How do I get a handle on my reaction so I don't inadvertently say something rude or judgmental when I bump into the dad? My friends had been married for almost 30 years.

 

My uncle lost his wife of 40 years to sickle cell. He was remarried in 6-8 months. The new wife was on his will shortly after. My aunt confined him moving on, but his kids and siblings all felt it was really fast. They are still married now 3 years later but it definitely felt like whiplash.

[d0nnivain]

At the end of the day, it's really none of my business. Knowing her as well as I did, I know she'd want him to be happy & not alone. I get that you do grieve before the actual death when somebody is that ill on the way to the inevitable. It just feels fast. Of course I would never say anything . . .

[elaine567]

A lot of older men cannot bear to be alone, some have no clue about looking after themselves either. They need a woman for sex and to sort out the socks and to cook the meals...

They succumb to the charms of the first woman who shows them attention.

Sometimes they have another woman lined up before the wife is even dead.

Some women target widowers and "carers" and are ready to step in...

The dead wife is soon forgotten.

[preraph]

I hope he knew her before, because there's a lot of elder predators out there just looking to get their money and possessions. I had no idea how many until my dad started losing his mind.

[amaysngrace]

I thought I read somewhere that happily married people who lose their spouses get remarried more easily and have happy second marriages compared to divorced people, or something like that.

 

What else can you do except be happy for him, right?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're right: it's not really your business.

 

On the other hand, it's not really your duty to put on a pleasant face when you feel uncomfortable. But ... if this is a classy person, he'll bring up this subject. So you'll likely get an explanation. And you'll probably see him with the new partner, and you'll make conclusions based on how they are together.

[stillafool]

I've been there dOnnivain, my 1st mother in law died at 48 from cancer and her best friend who insisted I go home to my new husband and let her take care of her ended up engaged to MIL's boyfriend 6 months after she died. When my (mom that raised me) died my Dad was dating within 2 months and married in 1-1/2 years. However my female cousin's husband was in hospice and she had already started sneaking around. It's surprising that people can move on so fast.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Because people don't care about love and connection. They just want another warm body.

 

 

Sad world we live in.

[Watercolors]

Someone in the thread said it already; that some people can't be alone to process their grief so they find the quickest hookup available to them and use that person to rebound with.

 

After my father died, my mother never remarried. Not everyone has someone else lined up after their spouse dies. I think it's a case by case basis.

 

I think you handled your surprise well, the way you shared your own experience with your friend's son, let him know that you were available to him should he need another adult to confide in, about his dad's new dating partner. It will be a strange transition for the son, that's for sure.

 

I'm glad the son knows you went through what he's going through now. Maybe check in with your friend to see how his son is handling the loss of his mom and his dad's new girlfriend.

 

See if the dad has found a grief counselor for himself and his son, so that they can grieve together with a counselor.

[LivingWaterPlease]

When I was going through divorce eons ago a woman I'd always admired for her talent and integrity in high school and college called me and told me her story to give me hope that I could find happiness with someone else.

 

She was so kind. Her husband had been killed in a gruesome accident six months prior and she told me she was just about to get married to a man who'd lost his wife to cancer within the last year or two.

 

I believe her new husband was a comfort to her and felt happy for her. This was many years ago and they're still happily married.

 

Each case is different, IMO. I don't believe there's a hard and fast rule to how long one should wait to date or remarry. For one person it may be weeks until they're ready, another person may never be able to make that move.

[whichwayisup]

A friend of mine lost her 3 year battle with cancer in March 2019. We all knew it was coming but it was heartbreaking to say that final goodbye.

 

On Friday I attended a party where I bumped into her youngest son. When I asked about his dad who is also my friend, the son informed me that his dad was dating. I was taken aback. I said the right things. Asked the son how he felt; asked if she was a nice person; & shared my feelings about my dad starting to date again after my mom passed several years ago.

 

But geeze . . . 6 months just feels so fast. How do I get a handle on my reaction so I don't inadvertently say something rude or judgmental when I bump into the dad? My friends had been married for almost 30 years.

 

Don't judge him. This is his life and if he wants to date then he's allowed to. He probably doesn't want to be alone after being married for so many years.

 

Many men get re married within a year or two after their loved one is gone. Some men can't be alone and need companionship.

[elaine567]

Truth is some men are not really that emotionally attached to their wives.

They like them cooking, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, tidying up, and being available for sex but little else.

When they pass, they seek out some one else asap to fill the "vacancy".

 

I also think some of these "fast movers" have already established a relationship with the "replacement" prior to the death.

It may or may not be an actual affair, but there is a closeness that soon develops once the wife dies.

[d0nnivain]

Truth is some men are not really that emotionally attached to their wives.

They like them cooking, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, tidying up, and being available for sex but little else.

When they pass, they seek out some one else asap to fill the "vacancy".

 

I also think some of these "fast movers" have already established a relationship with the "replacement" prior to the death.

It may or may not be an actual affair, but there is a closeness that soon develops once the wife dies.

 

He was very attached to his wife, deeply in love, still had tons of fun together. He wasn't having any kind of an affair, emotional or otherwise while his wife was alive. We run in a close multi-generational circle: my parents were friends with their parents; we're friends; DH & I are friends with their kids; we have tons of friends in common; we have vacationed together. It's a small town / community. You can't hide an affair around here. This was all very sudden, for him too. It just sort of shocked me.

 

I wasn't judging him per se. I just wanted to make sure that I controlled my surprise because I didn't want him to feel bad due to my shock. I really don't have a right to impose my opinion on him. Now if I fond out she's a bad person well then I might speak up but that is just me.

[Tamfana]

He might have done his mourning during his 3 years of caretaking. She might have told him to not wait, to find happiness again with her blessing. I doubt I'll mourn my mother to the same extent I mourned my dad because I’ve been caring for my mom and am involved in the day to day process of her “leaving,” losing her to dementia and her growing physical incapacities. The woman we've known is slipping away and we work through it as a family all the time. Don't know (of course), but maybe this man went through that over the 3 years that his wife dying. Being a caregiver for someone you love can be very difficult.

[d0nnivain]

So very true, Tamfana.

[vla1120]

At my mother's funeral (yes, AT the funeral, in front of everyone), my step-father asked my mother's best friend (also single) to go with him to a concert for which he and my mother had tickets. It was in very poor taste. I never liked him anyways, so I didn't care. My two younger half sisters (his daughters) were devastated.

 

When my sisters talked about this in a grief group they visited (they were only about 21 and 19 when they lost my mom), they were told everyone responds to grief differently, and this was just the way my step-father handled it. I called BS.

[JuneGirl]

There was a family friend who's wife passed away from cancer, and then he got remarried shortly after. Everyone thought it was weird. I think it's a pretty normal reaction.