Boyfriend breaks up due to 'gay feelings'

[Questionmark12]

Hi all,

 

 

 

So to explain the story in short, I've been together with my - ex- now for over a year. We have had an awesome year together until last week.

 

 

He came to my apartment, laid himself in my bed and said he had something on his mind. The second sentence that came out of his mind was 'I think I have gay feelings'. I'm of course entirely blown away and I ask him if he wants to break up and he confirms.

 

 

 

After some cries and hugs he left and we talked today again about the whole situation. He was more open and honest and told me he does not want to have sex with a man nor watch gay porn. But he has a particular big interest in transsexual porn. He admitted he wasn't entirely honest in the beginning of the relationship, as he said he had had sex with a prostitute but actually was a transsexual (which he had hidden from me).

 

 

He told me he gets off watching this kind of porn and would like to visit a transsexual prostitute again somewhere next week and go further with this. As if this was not enough, he is also thinking of going to a SM mistress.

 

 

 

In the whole relationship I have given him prostate massages and have proposed a strap-on to which he at the time did not wanted to do. The visit of today was nice but also difficult as he kept complimenting me but also could not stop touching me or complimenting me and my butt (he's a butt man, but he was respectful though and said sorry multiple times).

 

 

He is straight for sure - he has not faked his erections or thought about men or whatever while having sex with me. Maybe he is bisexual? Or just curious? When I asked him if he thinks if our paths would ever cross again, he said he wouldn't cross it out entirely, he just needs time to make up his mind.

 

 

 

Where does this leave me or us? Any advise someone please? I'll be talking to a psychologist next week as well, as this is a heart breaking and very much confusing situation.

 

 

PS: I have told him that liking transsexual porn does not entirely mean that he is gay and I do want to support him during this difficult time. He really wants to keep in touch and doesn't want to lose me.

[preraph]

Well, I mean, he's somewhere on the bi spectrum and into transgender territory. Transgenders everywhere rejoice. I don't know why he needs to hire a prostitute. There's plenty of lonely trans out there with a very limited field of suitors. It's sad for them.

 

He sounds afraid of being gay, so who knows if he'll ever have an actual relationship. He could sure go to certain bars and find trans people easily enough if he wants to explore.

 

You sound fairly open minded, but it's more down to whether you feel like sharing him while he explores. I kind of think that would be hard on you but that you should stay friends if you care about him and see where this goes, if you can stand hearing about it.

 

Sorry this is turning your world upside down. Hope things get better soon.

[Beendaredonedat]

Are you okay with him sharing himself with you and a transexual? Clearly he's not ready to give up his transexual fetish as he's done it before and now he's breaking up with you to do it again.

 

It's up to you of course, but I would never be able to trust him being able to remain monogamous with me.

 

Where does this leave you and him? I'd say broken up and with a clear understanding that you'll not be a pair again in the future. Don't let his platitudes of "I still want you in my life" keep you stagnated from moving on from him.

[elaine567]

He is straight for sure - he has not faked his erections or thought about men or whatever while having sex with me.

You have no clue what he thinks about during sex with you...

PS: I have told him that liking transsexual porn does not entirely mean that he is gay...

Maybe not, but sourcing a transsexual prostitute previously and looking for another next week does not convince me he is "straight".

 

He broke up with you, he did you a favour.

Best not hang around, you will get seriously hurt here if you do.

[Questionmark12]

You have no clue what he thinks about during sex with you...

 

Maybe not, but sourcing a transsexual prostitute previously and looking for another next week does not convince me he is "straight".

 

He broke up with you, he did you a favour.

Best not hang around, you will get seriously hurt here if you do.

 

 

Sorry, should have perhaps added this to that sentence. I asked him today if he was actually comfortable having sex with me or if it was just one big facade and he said he never thought of someone else during sex. So that's something.

 

 

I agree with you, his "issues" are far more deep then just identity and there is really nothing I can do about that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless you are comfortable with him seeking sex outside your relationship, this will never work. This particular desire is one you can't fulfill for him, and he's letting you that this desire is stronger than the one to be with you in a monogamous and exclusive relationship.

 

I'm sorry. It's better that you found out now, but this isn't the man for you.

[stillafool]

I agree with the above. You are not able to fill his deepest desires. He is willing to let his fiance go for men. If a female vagina was his thing I imagine he would try to hold on to you but he isn't. I know this is heart breaking but do you really want to compete with a transexual for your fiance? Just because he has sex with you doesn't mean he's straight either.

[healing light]

Unless you are comfortable with him seeking sex outside your relationship, this will never work. This particular desire is one you can't fulfill for him, and he's letting you that this desire is stronger than the one to be with you in a monogamous and exclusive relationship.

 

I'm sorry. It's better that you found out now, but this isn't the man for you.

 

Ditto. Also, he may have wanted to spare your feelings that he thought only about you during sex. I would just take that part with a grain of salt. Clearly, he has been thinking about sex with transsexuals so much that he is exiting his relationship with you and risking his health to visit a prostitute that can fulfill this need. He can't have his cake and eat it too, unless you want an open relationship with him. I suspect this is not your ultimate desire, so sticking around can only lead to heartbreak for you.

[stillafool]

One other thing, if you do decide to stay with him get checked regularly for STDs. Be careful.

[Questionmark12]

So I did suggest an open relationship but it's not an option for him. He feels he needs to be alone so he can fully commit discovering everything. Of course, for him, he has had months to think about this break so his mind is already made up whereas I'm still trying to rescue the relationship.

 

The more I think about it, the more I want to let him go though. I think it's sad he is objectifying transsexuals as this sex object to only use for his desires. I think this particular desire is also a sign of something much deeper instead of just a fetish. A friend of mine said he might be wanting to transition himself. I've actually asked him this and he did not deny the option. I also agree with the fact that I don't think he will ever be in a committed relationship again. He had been single for years until he met me and has been struggling with his identity for almost 10 years. It won't be fixed in a year and some prostitutes.

 

So although painful now, I dodged a bullet in some way in the long run. Thank you everyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

A friend of mine said he might be wanting to transition himself. I've actually asked him this and he did not deny the option. I also agree with the fact that I don't think he will ever be in a committed relationship again. He had been single for years until he met me and has been struggling with his identity for almost 10 years. It won't be fixed in a year and some prostitutes.

 

I think this runs so much deeper than a sexual desire, having read the above. He is going through some much heavier stuff, and knows that he can't have any type of relationship with you while he figures out the next step in his life.

 

You're right that one year and some visits to prostitutes isn't likely to resolve everything for him. But, it is a step he feels he wants to take (however bizarre and risky it might seem to a third party) so that's his prerogative. My guess is he feels a prostitute is a somewhat "safer" bet on an emotional level, since he doesn't need to follow up with any promises of a date or continued contact if he feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to do it again. This type of sex is also largely anonymous and I have a feeling he is just not ready to come out, so to speak; so, he will avoid sex with the general transgender population until he is ready to more openly own that part of his identity. Just a guess.

 

In any case, even an open relationship with him would be ill-advised. You would likely wind up extremely hurt once he actually did start having sex with others; a couple that transitions from monogamous to open usually doesn't succeed when one party is suggesting opening it up as a means to hang on to someone who has already checked out. It's better that he turned down that suggestion.

[Questionmark12]

I think this runs so much deeper than a sexual desire, having read the above. He is going through some much heavier stuff, and knows that he can't have any type of relationship with you while he figures out the next step in his life.

 

You're right that one year and some visits to prostitutes isn't likely to resolve everything for him. But, it is a step he feels he wants to take (however bizarre and risky it might seem to a third party) so that's his prerogative. My guess is he feels a prostitute is a somewhat "safer" bet on an emotional level, since he doesn't need to follow up with any promises of a date or continued contact if he feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to do it again. This type of sex is also largely anonymous and I have a feeling he is just not ready to come out, so to speak; so, he will avoid sex with the general transgender population until he is ready to more openly own that part of his identity. Just a guess.

 

In any case, even an open relationship with him would be ill-advised. You would likely wind up extremely hurt once he actually did start having sex with others; a couple that transitions from monogamous to open usually doesn't succeed when one party is suggesting opening it up as a means to hang on to someone who has already checked out. It's better that he turned down that suggestion.

 

 

You do have a very good point, I didn't look at it that way. From what I can tell now he is also fleeing his anxiety into drugs and smoking weed all the time. He has started come out to his family and friends though as 'gay' or 'bisexual' and told me he did accept that part of him now. I just hate him for lying this whole year to me, knowing very well how much hurt I've had with past exes. But I understand it's something difficult he had to deal with as well.

 

 

 

As I'm going in therapy to give this all a place, would you recommend doing therapy together with him for a few sessions? Would that help with the recovery time for me or him?

[ExpatInItaly]

As I'm going in therapy to give this all a place, would you recommend doing therapy together with him for a few sessions? Would that help with the recovery time for me or him?

 

No, there is no point doing therapy with him. There is no future with him, so I can't see why having therapy together would make sense. I don't mean to be harsh; I know this is hard, but you two are not a couple anymore. Therapy together isn't going to make this better or pave the way to reconciliation.

 

For yourself? Sure, if you feel it would help you untangle the painful emotions you will surely experience. I would absolutely not include him in that process though.

[Questionmark12]

I really honestly wanted to help him and be there for him during this difficult time, but I can't.

 

 

 

He is just being so selfish it's just repulsive. He just sent me a message saying he is SO happy he went work, that he has never been this productive.

 

 

I sent a message back asking what the point was of his message. Telling he is doing so great and I'm not? He knows I can't focus on my work and have been talking some days off.

 

 

 

He answered 'just because, distraction'.

 

 

Looking at my history of attracting men with NPD, it wouldn't surprise me if he is too tbh.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really honestly wanted to help him and be there for him during this difficult time, but I can't.

 

No, you can't, and nor should you try to assume the role of helper here. It will backfire and wind up hurting you even more. As far as I can tell, he didn't request your help anyway, did he?

 

You will need to put your own well-being ahead of his now.

[Questionmark12]

No, you can't, and nor should you try to assume the role of helper here. It will backfire and wind up hurting you even more. As far as I can tell, he didn't request your help anyway, did he?

 

You will need to put your own well-being ahead of his now.

 

 

He really wants to stay in contact he said, he doesn't want to lose me and what we've built.

 

 

That's what makes it so difficult. But you're right, my own well-being is more important now. He is picking up his last stuff in my appartment tonight, so I'll be able to close this chapter asap.

[ExpatInItaly]

He really wants to stay in contact he said, he doesn't want to lose me and what we've built.

 

That's a completely unrealistic and self-serving proposition on his part.

 

He is fine being friends because he doesn't have the same emotional and romantic attachment that you do. It appears he doesn't comprehend the pain this is causing you, and what continued contact is going to mean for your healing.

 

Perhaps one day you two could be friends again. Now is not the time.

[elaine567]

He has now come out as gay and is feeling relieved it is all out in the open

He had been shouldering all that worrying, confusing, upsetting stuff for a long time, now he is free to be who he really is.

 

That doesn't mean he is a narcissist, just that his life took a good turn.

Unfortunately at the expense of yours.

You care, you are upset, you cannot be friends, it will hurt too much as you want more from him.

Let him go for your own sake.

[Questionmark12]

So we met up again yesterday, because he had to pick up some stuff at my house and it was quite emotional.

 

 

It all pretty much boiled down to, him kind of regretting not trying other options to save our relationship (I had suggested couple's therapy). He is also doubting if he has made the right decision, breaking up with me.

 

 

 

For some reason, this is making it all harder for me. I've been cheated on but had no issue going NC. For some reason, holding on to this relationship is more difficult due to him not even being sure of everything.

 

 

 

We hugged it out when we said our goodbyes and he tried to kiss me. It's clear he still has feelings...

[ExpatInItaly]

You sound like you are looking for hope that he wants to try again.

 

The question is, do you?

 

If you did, you would be doing so with the knowledge that he will more than likely have sex with others and that there is a side of him you cannot satisfy. If you can't accept that (which would be completely fair) then there is no sense trying again.

 

Couple's therapy would only get you so far with this, because this ultimately isn't about issues between you and him. The issue affects the two of you, but it isn't caused by some sort of flawed dynamic between you. I am sure he cares about you and is struggling to make sense of his own feelings, but this is something that is about him - not you or your relationship. As such, it is probable that you would wind up in even more pain than you are now if you decided to stick around.

[Questionmark12]

You sound like you are looking for hope that he wants to try again.

 

The question is, do you?

 

If you did, you would be doing so with the knowledge that he will more than likely have sex with others and that there is a side of him you cannot satisfy. If you can't accept that (which would be completely fair) then there is no sense trying again.

 

Couple's therapy would only get you so far with this, because this ultimately isn't about issues between you and him. The issue affects the two of you, but it isn't caused by some sort of flawed dynamic between you. I am sure he cares about you and is struggling to make sense of his own feelings, but this is something that is about him - not you or your relationship. As such, it is probable that you would wind up in even more pain than you are now if you decided to stick around.

 

 

That's because he is giving me that hope. He was not the one that said the words 'I'm breaking up with you'. I was the one that asked and he then doubtfully said 'yes...'.

 

 

To then proceed to tell me he still loves me and is not sure if he is making the right decision to then try to kiss me. I completely understand he needs his time to understand himself and his desires, but thinking in labels when sexuality is fluent and making that the cause of a break is just stupid in my eyes.

 

 

 

We all have our desires and secrets, we just need to be open about them and especially to our partners.

[Questionmark12]

So he met up with the prostitute and he confirmed he is not gay all of a sudden and felt like it was just 'sex'. He said it's indeed just a fetish to him.

 

He regrets running away from the whole situation and not discussing it with me first. He is a runner and likes to hold in all of his emotions and frustrations.

 

Looks like someone is realizing what mistake he made. But too late, I'm out.

[elaine567]

Looks like someone is realizing what mistake he made. But too late, I'm out.

 

I am glad about that, as this had "big heartache" written all over it, had you decided to stick around

[Questionmark12]

The plot keeps thickening... So I went to the therapist yesterday and told her everything and she actually thinks he might have a porn addiction. Which would make sense, we were on holiday for 2 weeks and had no easy access to internet and he said it's during the last days of this holiday he got the urge to have sex with a transsexual all of a sudden.

 

Besides that, also commitment issues. He couldn't pinpoint the reason why he is breaking up with me. He was saying vague things like 'you wanted to move in together and I was not looking forward to that'. HE was the one that brought up the topic first and wanted to live together by 2020. The moment I made some suggestions he would run away from the topic.

 

I sincerely hope he will go see a therapist himself because he is just deflecting and looking for faults in me when he is the one that lied and held in all his emotions instead of being open to me. He decided to run for literally no reason!

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn’t run for no reason, OP.

 

He left for very valid reasons, and reasons that have nothing to do with you as a person. Being attracted to men is a perfectly legitimate reason to not continue a relationship with a woman. It seems you're having a lot of difficulty accepting that.

 

Is it your habit to try to hang on to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships?