Author Questionmark12 Posted November 7, 2019 Author Share Posted November 7, 2019 He didn’t run for no reason, OP. He left for very valid reasons, and reasons that have nothing to do with you as a person. Being attracted to men is a perfectly legitimate reason to not continue a relationship with a woman. It seems you're having a lot of difficulty accepting that. Is it your habit to try to hang on to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships? Ehm no. He said he is 100% not into guys after his experience with the transsexual. He knows he has to rectify that to now everyone to whom he has come out of the closet for (for nothing really). He thought he was because he liked transsexual porn and got all confused. He is running from his problems, instead of facing them, that's my issue with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 My guess, he now sees a way of keeping you and exploring his "new life" at the same time. So from being "gay" and going to see a prostitute "next week", he is now telling YOU it was all a mistake... I think he is hedging his bets, going out in the wide world alone as "gay" was scary, so he is now trying to hang on to you. You didn't run screaming for the hills, you have "accepted" the cheating with the prostitute and him being gay and he knows you want him back From the firm base and support of your relationship he can thus take his time to find out what he really wants. Unfortunately for you, you are the placeholder... he may get too scared and choose you, but I do not see that as a great reason to stay in a relationship, he may grow to resent you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted November 7, 2019 Author Share Posted November 7, 2019 My guess, he now sees a way of keeping you and exploring his "new life" at the same time. So from being "gay" and going to see a prostitute "next week", he is now telling YOU it was all a mistake... I think he is hedging his bets, going out in the wide world alone as "gay" was scary, so he is now trying to hang on to you. You didn't run screaming for the hills, you have "accepted" the cheating with the prostitute and him being gay and he knows you want him back From the firm base and support of your relationship he can thus take his time to find out what he really wants. Unfortunately for you, you are the placeholder... he may get too scared and choose you, but I do not see that as a great reason to stay in a relationship, he may grow to resent you. But if that was the case I would think he would keep in contact with me but he said it's too difficult for him all of a sudden, he's an emotional mess at the moment even though he dumped me. He hasn't blocked me or so so he is keeping a door open. So what do I do, do I keep reaching out in the hopes he one day will see the light? He is not thinking straight at all at the moment and I'm not the person to watch him make this mistake from the sideline. My therapist told me to give him one more chance and go to a couples therapist to talk this out, I had suggested this and he said he needed time to think about it. I'm dealing with a possible porn addict and someone who runs aways from relationships when they get too real. I wish someone would just shake him awake already. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 (edited) Ehm no. He said he is 100% not into guys after his experience with the transsexual. He knows he has to rectify that to now everyone to whom he has come out of the closet for (for nothing really). I don't buy that, I'm sorry. He might not prefer only men, but there is enough curiosity and attraction there to be throwing up big warning signs for you. Last week he was gay, this week he isn't? He's confused enough about his sexuality to have come out already, and to completely ruin the relationship you had. He's all over the map, and you are now making all kinds of excuses to justify his behaviour and give yourself a reason to hang on. Your therapist appears to be enabling your Rescuer narrative rather than actually helping you. I don't mean to be harsh. However, I think you are being willfully naive because the truth is still too painful for you to accept. You've got yourself convinced he's just not thinking clearly and needs your help to "wake him up" because that's the more comfortable version of events that lets you sit a little longer in the hopes that will resolve itself and get back on track. You are going to get your heart put through a blender, girl. It's already started. Does he need to wake up? Yes. And so do you. You both need to wake up, for completely different reasons. Edited November 8, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted November 8, 2019 Author Share Posted November 8, 2019 I don't buy that, I'm sorry. He might not prefer only men, but there is enough curiosity and attraction there to be throwing up big warning signs for you. Last week he was gay, this week he isn't? He's confused enough about his sexuality to have come out already, and to completely ruin the relationship you had. He's all over the map, and you are now making all kinds of excuses to justify his behaviour and give yourself a reason to hang on. Your therapist appears to be enabling your Rescuer narrative rather than actually helping you. I don't mean to be harsh. However, I think you are being willfully naive because the truth is still too painful for you to accept. You've got yourself convinced he's just not thinking clearly and needs your help to "wake him up" because that's the more comfortable version of events that lets you sit a little longer in the hopes that will resolve itself and get back on track. You are going to get your heart put through a blender, girl. It's already started. Does he need to wake up? Yes. And so do you. You both need to wake up, for completely different reasons. Of course. Imagine being with someone, going on holidays, talking about kids, talking about buying a house together, him telling me he will set an office in his appartment for me and all of a sudden your partner changes face and is a completely different person. Over the course of only 1 week he says he's gay, then all of a sudden he's not gay, he's doubting if he has made the right decision etc. Of course I'm hurt and confused and holding on to hope, because this situation just does NOT make sense. Even his mother sent me a long text saying how heart broken she is over this situation as it doesn't even make sense to her. It would have been easier if he could just say that he didn't love me anymore or whatever sincere reason but he is not giving me the closure I need. I've never had issues going NC or closing from an ex, but for some reason I do with him because this whole situation is so damn draining and confusing. I'm trying to figure out his mentale state by researching in the hopes I can give it closure. Thinking he has commitment issues and a porn addiction helps, but also gives me the slightest hope we can perhaps figure something out. I have gone NC though, this is day 2 at the moment and it's really really really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Why does it need to be "porn addiction" for a man to be into men or transssexuals? Why is it commitmentphobia when he wants to visit prostitutes? You are trying to rationalise. But you know you are doing it, so well done. Going NC is best. You don't have to listen to his excuses ,or try to get your head around stuff that makes no sense. Let him go to sort out his own life, there is nothing you can do, unless you want to commit to a gay man with a penchant for transsexuals and pretend it is all OK... Dating is about finding people who truly fit us like a glove. Here you would need to twist yourself into knots to fit with this guy so he is just not right for you and frankly you are not right for him either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Did you ask him about the specifics of the sex he had with the transexual? I'm curious what he said about it that made him all of sudden realize he now doesn't want sex with men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted November 8, 2019 Author Share Posted November 8, 2019 Did you ask him about the specifics of the sex he had with the transexual? I'm curious what he said about it that made him all of sudden realize he now doesn't want sex with men. I did, he did everything pretty much. They had sex (both giving and receiving), some anal licking and 69. I didn't ask further than this tbh but I'm guessing the 69 turned him off. Knowing him, I can imagine he liked the anal stimulation. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 I'd say at the very least he is bisexual. Now that he has momentarily satisfied that urge he wants to backpedal and pretend like it didn't mean anything, but he'll get the urge again and when that happens he will either break up with you or cheat on you. Many bi people can be in longterm relationships without cheating because they prefer being faithful and monogamous to the one they love rather than satisfying every sexual urge. Clearly that is not this guy. Also their are some pretty bad therapists out there. I'm concerned that your therapist is making a diagnosis of what she thinks is going on with your ex when she has never met him or spoken to him herself. Also therapists aren't really supposed to direct your choices. They are supposed to help you figure out your feelings so that you can make your own choice. Telling you to give him another chance doesn't sound right to me. It's like she's telling you how she feels and what choice she would make, but this isn't about her, it's about you and giving him another chance might be a terrible decision for you. I think you and your ex need a long break from each other. He is obviously very confused about who he is and it's going to take awhile for him to sort himself out. He did not go from gay to not gay in a week, that's ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 I watched a documentary about transsexual women prostitutes in a country where being gay is frowned upon. One trans woman was being interviewed. Many guys often married, come in to her room swearing blind they are not gay, yet she said one feel of her penis made them all as hard as iron... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted November 8, 2019 Author Share Posted November 8, 2019 (edited) I'd say at the very least he is bisexual. Now that he has momentarily satisfied that urge he wants to backpedal and pretend like it didn't mean anything, but he'll get the urge again and when that happens he will either break up with you or cheat on you. Many bi people can be in longterm relationships without cheating because they prefer being faithful and monogamous to the one they love rather than satisfying every sexual urge. Clearly that is not this guy. Also their are some pretty bad therapists out there. I'm concerned that your therapist is making a diagnosis of what she thinks is going on with your ex when she has never met him or spoken to him herself. Also therapists aren't really supposed to direct your choices. They are supposed to help you figure out your feelings so that you can make your own choice. You really hit the nail on the head. This goes much deeper then just his possible bisexuality though, why would he feel the need to meet up with an SM mistress as well all of sudden? During our relationship he never wanted to be the sub, now we have broken up and it's like he just wants to explore everything that's out there sexually. I agree with you on the therapist as well. coming from a medical background, she should not have given me that advise as that's up to the patient to decide. Anyways, I cleaned out my appartment today where I found quite some stuff back from him. It was nice to do a deep clean and throw everything that I could find of him in a bag. I dropped the bag at his appartment's door and I'm still on NC. I am feeling a bit better now to be honest, there is only 1 thing I have to bring back and that's something his parents gave me out of loan. But we'll see how the future progresses and how I'll give it back to them. Edited November 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Of course I'm hurt and confused and holding on to hope, because this situation just does NOT make sense. I realize it's very confusing. That stems from the fact that he has concealed his true self from you and most others in his life. It doesn't make sense to you because you had no idea he felt this way. He evidently kept it well-hidden. It sounds like he's going wild exploring these suppressed desires now that he doesn't have to remain monogamous anymore. Let him knock himself out; just make sure you're not stringing yourself along for the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted November 9, 2019 Author Share Posted November 9, 2019 I realize it's very confusing. That stems from the fact that he has concealed his true self from you and most others in his life. It doesn't make sense to you because you had no idea he felt this way. He evidently kept it well-hidden. It sounds like he's going wild exploring these suppressed desires now that he doesn't have to remain monogamous anymore. Let him knock himself out; just make sure you're not stringing yourself along for the ride. Exactly! He did a 360 and it's as if I'm dealing with an entire different person now. It's just weird he feels the need to go after these desires instead of stay in a relationship and explore sexuality together. I'm curious how this will pan out, because I don't have the feeling that this is the end. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 It's just weird he feels the need to go after these desires instead of stay in a relationship and explore sexuality together. It's not really that weird, when you consider that you cannot physically offer him the type of sex he desires. There is nothing to explore together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted December 14, 2019 Author Share Posted December 14, 2019 (edited) I thought to give this topic an update as quite some things have happened afterwards and it might help out some other people. Basically, he had sex twice with a transsexual and confirmed he is not gay and at the most bicurious. I asked why and he said, he has only thought about men in a sexual way perhaps 3 times in his whole life whereas the thousands with women. When we last met F2F, he really wanted to stay friends as long as I was open for it as well and I said I had to figure that out first. I noticed he did try to flirt with me that day, we initially met up that day for me to pick up my stuff but we went for a walk that day and never returned to his house. Last I heard from his was a message, few days after that day we met up for a walk where he said he found it very difficult to talk on whatsapp and that he needed some space for a while and if that was ok for me as the days were becoming too difficult for him as he was constantly thinking about me (go figure, he broke up with me?). I said sure, told him I respected his decision and was happy he was being honest about his feelings. I had a short talk with his mom through whatsapp and she said the whole family misses me so much which was hard to hear. She said her son needs some time to figure out everything. And that's really it, we're no longer talking, my stuff is still at his house but I don't care anymore. I'll buy new stuff Edit: forgot to add. I know the therapist shouldn't have made a diagnosis but she might be right. He was an avid smoker when I met him but quit few months later. He was always prone to addictions (drugs for example) so I think he's using sex or porn as a way to forget certain things he is struggling with. One thing that happened when we were dating was that he had an infection down there and I asked what he did (week before he broke up with me actually). I just knew he was not telling me the truth and he was being weird about it, telling me it was the wrong kind of soap he had used. Then I remembered he has a fleshlight and he most likely started using it again and got an infection like that. This guy will basically always be looking for something 'new' to feed his addiction to orgasms I believe. Wheather that be through a fleshlight, prostitutes, porn,... So yes I'm done Edited December 14, 2019 by Questionmark12 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 Hugs I am glad he is out of your life, as he could have wasted a lot of your time had he decided to stick around. Trying to "get over" a person who "doesn't know" what they really want is not easy. You couldn't have "fixed" this, so be grateful it is over. Onwards and upwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted December 14, 2019 Author Share Posted December 14, 2019 Thank you Elaine! Definitely agree and it's what he has said as well. One of the things he said was how 'f***ed up' he is and he had an appointment with a therapist scheduled. He was telling me that since we had broke up he hadn't been looking at any transsexual porn anymore and only straight. The grass is always... I wish him the best and I hope he figures out his issues first, before starting dating again. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 It's going to be much better for you to move on from him, so good for you for seeing that it really is over. His stuff is his to figure out. You don't want to be along for that ride. It will be too painful for you, and keep you from finding someone who is already sure of who they are and what they want in a relationship. Please, if you haven't already, get yourself tested too. Him having an infection is concerning, especially if you two had been sexually intimate up until that point. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 (edited) What have your family and friends said to you regarding this? Edited December 16, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Please get a full STD workup immediately (including HSV, which you'll probably have to ask for). You do not get sexually transmitted infections from a fleshlight. As you said, you don't fully believe him, and you shouldn't. Whatever this guy is going through has nothing to do with you and seems a little ridiculous to boot. Straight women are some of the most frequent consumers of gay male porn. Some straight women enjoy lesbian porn. Anyone could enjoy porn with trans actors for any number of reasons, and it doesn't make anyone gay or bisexual. Stuff like this is why the Kinsey scale exists! This guy seems to be in a full-blown identity crisis with no idea of who or what he wants and is just freaking himself out even more in the process. No matter how he ends up I can guarantee you do not want this level of drama in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 OP, if you are still around it is possible that he is a straight male who is aroused by the sight of a penis (a fetish). So seeing a sexy woman with a penis too is very arousing to these guys. They are rare but they do exist and in fact "tranny porn" is a quite profitable niche within porn apparently. Here's a link to an example article, hopefully moderators will not delete it. If they do you could do a google search like "straight men with a penis fetish article" or similar to research this. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/dawnmichael/straight-man-has-penis-fetish-cuckold-relationship Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 20 minutes ago, mark clemson said: OP, if you are still around it is possible that he is a straight male who is aroused by the sight of a penis (a fetish). So seeing a sexy woman with a penis too is very arousing to these guys. They are rare but they do exist and in fact "tranny porn" is a quite profitable niche within porn apparently. Strange. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Yep. It's strange but it's a thing apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Questionmark12 Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 On 12/16/2019 at 2:02 PM, stillafool said: What have your family and friends said to you regarding this? The ones that I've told the truth about this whole situation are shocked. My female friends that are in a relationship actually got frightened and just did not understand how weird this whole situation is. I had 1 friend who actually had a nightmare about it and thought her bf was in this situation. Giving advice is the most difficult thing in this situtation for them, the situation is so specific and rare it's really hard for them to give me some advice. I have another friend who thought he might be wanting to transition to female or maybe dabble more into cross-dressing even when she heard about the transsexual part. On 12/18/2019 at 12:20 AM, lana-banana said: Please get a full STD workup immediately (including HSV, which you'll probably have to ask for). You do not get sexually transmitted infections from a fleshlight. As you said, you don't fully believe him, and you shouldn't. Whatever this guy is going through has nothing to do with you and seems a little ridiculous to boot. Straight women are some of the most frequent consumers of gay male porn. Some straight women enjoy lesbian porn. Anyone could enjoy porn with trans actors for any number of reasons, and it doesn't make anyone gay or bisexual. Stuff like this is why the Kinsey scale exists! This guy seems to be in a full-blown identity crisis with no idea of who or what he wants and is just freaking himself out even more in the process. No matter how he ends up I can guarantee you do not want this level of drama in your life. Yes, I agree. Will set up an appointment as soon as possible, I'll be very very very pissed if I have contracted something from him. I think honestly he got some very wrong advise from a close male friend tbh. Someone surely must have said 'yo you're clearly gay if you're looking at trannies'. Definitely full-blown identity crisis ha, I think he has been postponing dealing with himself and his feelings for years. Trying to cover it up with binge eating, drugs etc. but I think our relationship brought up a lot of things and finally made him look himself in the mirror. But I agree, I've got enough drama in my life at the moment! On 12/18/2019 at 4:19 AM, mark clemson said: OP, if you are still around it is possible that he is a straight male who is aroused by the sight of a penis (a fetish). So seeing a sexy woman with a penis too is very arousing to these guys. They are rare but they do exist and in fact "tranny porn" is a quite profitable niche within porn apparently. Here's a link to an example article, hopefully moderators will not delete it. If they do you could do a google search like "straight men with a penis fetish article" or similar to research this. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/dawnmichael/straight-man-has-penis-fetish-cuckold-relationship Thanks! Pretty interesting, never knew this existed. The cuckolding part is pretty interesting, my ex did indicate he wanted to meet up with a Femdom prostitute as well, to be more submissive and get humiliated. So who knows! I contacted my ex yesterday, just asking how he is been doing and he admitted he is doing not that great. He said the last time when we had met up he sank really deep but he has been figuring out some things and has seen improvements. He said he doesn't think he is ready for contact yet, so that's where I closed it off. I don't feel like this is 'the end' of us tbh which makes it really hard to close this chapter. But I have to and we'll see where things will go in 2020 New year, new me Link to post Share on other sites
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