Pkami Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) So I made a post about a month ago about my fwb of 2 years leaving to pursue a relationship with someone else..I went no contact and after about 3 and a half weeks she texts me saying she is no longer seeing him, it did’nt work out he treated her like **** I guess calling her names and stuff..we met up a couple days after and hooked up, and she then became more distant..didnt see her for over a week..then today she comes over and tells me that she is going to give him another chance..at this point I then tell her how I really feel, that Ive wanted to take our relationship to the next level just never made the move, that I really like her..she said she felt the same way she just wasnÂ’t sure that I did, really a lack of communication. We cuddled and talked, I didnt show any jealousy or do any begging, she seemed really confused with the new info of my feelings and like she didnÂ’t know what to do..she almost cried at one point I think, when she had to leave we couldnÂ’t stop kissing each other goodbye, she asked if she could contact me again if it didnÂ’t work out, I told her yes. I know being the back up isnt a good thing but I played it really cool calm and collected. I know no contact is the next step but I’m pretty confused and **** as well..I feel thereÂ’s a pretty good chance of her coming back, considering even her mom and her friends telling her sheÂ’s an idiot for being with this other guy..so I donÂ’t even really know what to think at this point, really confused and awkward situation, as always advice welcomed, thanks! Edited November 4, 2019 by Pkami Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Being the fall-back guy is not a good position to be in. You need to be the guy she knows likes her but who is not available to her until she is serious about choosing you. I'd suggest being a friend, in talking to her every so often if she contacts you, but keep a bit of a distance. Do not be available to meet when she wants to. Have other things going on. Be respectful and kind but be someone she has to seek out and make an effort for, rather than the other way round. If she finds you are not just going to be waiting around for her, but have other things that are important to you too, she might just start seeing you in a new light. Respect is very important in relationships. It doesn't wipe out other issues but it is an important part of feeling someone is more special than others. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 This has disaster written all over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkami Posted November 10, 2019 Author Share Posted November 10, 2019 I mean I’ve been very emotionally disciplined about this situation. It’s now been 7 days since she left again..I’m still no contact, I really feel that she should want to come back to me..and tell the new guy to screw off, I’m sure he’s shown more begging and just weakness in general to get her back again than I ever did, which I haven’t. Which should just make me look more valuable right? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Unfortunately, she doesn't exactly feel the same way about you. If she did, she would have no trouble leaving this new guy behind and exploring a relationship with you on a deeper level. You're Plan B, my friend. That isn't going to work out well for you, because it will mean she will always have her eye out for someone else she likes more. It doesn't matter if he begged or showed less value than you. She clearly likes him enough to look past all of that, if that is indeed what happened (and we don't know that it is) What you think she should want and what she actually wants are two very different things. I was once her, too, when I was younger and less mature. This nearly never ends well for the smitten FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkami Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 No, the thing is she told me she did feel the same way, she just didn’t think that I did. And she had already committed to giving the dude a second chance by the time I told her.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 No, the thing is she told me she did feel the same way, she just didn’t think that I did. And she had already committed to giving the dude a second chance by the time I told her.. Right, but her actions don't support that. Talk is cheap. Believe me, if she were as into you as you are into her, she wouldn't care about a promise to try again she made to some random guy she's dated such a short time. It's not like she's been dating him long enough to be all that invested. She'd end that and come to you. The problem is that she currently likes him more than she likes you. And if he was really that crappy to her and it was a short fling anyway, the fact that she even wants to try again means she likes him a lot. You are going to learn this the hard way, it seems. Be careful with you heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkami Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) So why would she even contact me again after he treated her bad..if she doesn’t like me why would she kiss me on the lips repeatedly when she left..and make sure she would be able to contact me in the future..like at one point she told me she was more comfortable with me because of our long history and not the other guy because it’s still new Edited November 11, 2019 by Pkami Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Why would she contact you again? Because she needed attention and affection and knew she could get it from you. No one is saying she doesn't have feelings for you, but if those feelings were stronger than what she had for the other guy she would tell him she's reconsidered and can't see him again. And she would be with you and only you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 You need to separate yourself from this situation altogether. You look like a desperate backup plan. Find yourself a new girl and a fresh start. In the end you will be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) ..if she doesn’t like me why would she kiss me on the lips repeatedly when she left..and make sure she would be able to contact me in the future..like at one point she told me she was more comfortable with me because of our long history and not the other guy because it’s still new She slept with you as a friend. You guys were FWB, it's safe to say she's capable of intimacy with you without the romantic feelings. I wouldn't read too much into why she kissed you repeatedly before leaving. As for why she's still contacting you, because you guys are (were?) FWB, and you are plan B. She needs to make sure you are still in the wings waiting for her as she goes and test out this other guy a 2nd time. There's literally nothing stopping her from coming to you, she's not married, no kids, no finances to worry about in a divorce, yet, she tells you she can't leave because she promised him a 2nd chance? That's a very weak excuse. She is very much drawn to him and you are her contingency plan. Also, if you haven't noticed it yet, everytime things are on again with the other guy, she ends things with you, when things are rocky, or off with the other guy, she comes back. You are like her little secret while he is her official boyfriend. She is actually showing him more respect than she is showing you. Edited November 11, 2019 by assertives Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 No, the thing is she told me she did feel the same way, she just didn’t think that I did. And she had already committed to giving the dude a second chance by the time I told her.. She just told you that. If she really felt this way she would go with you. People are too selfish to keep their word when it comes to getting in a relationship. It should be a no brainer for her if she wanted you. After all, the other guy treated her terribly and called her names. Oh, but she'd rather be with him than you? I don't buy that. She slept with you again because she's a woman who can't be without a man. Not a good choice for a gf. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 So why would she even contact me again after he treated her bad..if she doesn’t like me why would she kiss me on the lips repeatedly when she left..and make sure she would be able to contact me in the future..like at one point she told me she was more comfortable with me because of our long history and not the other guy because it’s still new Because she's slept with you before and knows you're an easily accessible source of flattery and sex. Because she doesn't want to be alone, she likes your attention, and she wants to make sure you're still there as her Back-Up Plan if things don't pan out again with him. I don't mean to sound unkind, but this isn't a big mystery, man. She doesn't value you the way you think. She has very little respect for you, because you keep agreeing to be her #2 choice. Also, she evidently knows exactly what to say to keep you hooked. Your mistake is believing her empty words. Turn around your questions for moment: why would she even give this guy another chance if he was so rotten to her? Why would she risk losing you to another girl by going back to him? Why would she forgo comfort and sure thing with you to be with someone who she claims isn't that great? Answer(s): she is really into him, or he was never as bad as she says he was. It could be some combination of both. Either way, she isn't going to be the love of your life. You would be far better off extricating yourself from her life you can eventually find a woman who is mutually interested in you and wouldn't dream of ditching you - twice - for another dude. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 This doesn't sound good, since you have more feeling for her than FWB would warrant. You're going to be disappointed and hurt, almost inevitably! If you didn't want more from this, then her coming and going wouldn't be an issue, other than a little disappointment that your fun friend isn't so much fun anymore. I've had FWB that have come and gone - and returned! - multiple times, but there hasn't been true relationship potential in those cases. I think you should end this, unless she is clear that she wants to be with you and willing to make that exclusive now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkami Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 We were fwb for 2 years..we did more than your average fwb should do btw..she hasn’t even been with this dude for a month. I definitely do not look desperate for 1, I’ve let her do what she wants and have shown her I’m unaffected by it. The question is then, how do I take myself out the the back up position? I don’t want to break no contact but really feel like I should let her know how I feel, not wanting to be the fall back guy. And she’s only came back to me once, it’s only happened one time..it’s not an over and over thing and it’s not going to be.. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 You can tell her how you feel, and that if she gets over this current guy she's dating and is willing to be officially exclusive with you, then you can make a go of it. Sometimes, people need to compare or explore their options - and I think that's fine - but at some point they need to make a solid commitment. That needs to be the next thing she does re: you, or you need to move on as soon as it's clear she can't or won't. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 If you want her respect don't give her ultimatums or choices. Tell her straight up "contact me when you get your life straightened out and if I'm available perhaps we'll talk." That's it and let her go. Women like strong men who will show them they can do with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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