Bringing new partners around kids

[JMH5724]

Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum.

 

My Ex and I have been separated for 3 1/2 months. We have 3 kids, twin 6 year old girls and a 4 year old son. We have already settled custody and property but still have to wait the 1 year waiting period for the divorce to be final.

 

We both made an agreement not to bring anyone new around the kids anytime soon. A month after moving out she started renting a place and immediately had a guy staying there when I had the kids. I later learned that this was her best friend’s brother in law who is also going thru a divorce and didn’t have his own place. She claimed she was only helping the guy out but I wasn’t falling for it. A few weeks later he was there while she had the kids. I confronted her about it and she denied any wrongdoing. Immediately after I confronted her, the guy followed me, blocked me off in a parking lot and jumped out of his truck and yelled at me and threatened me to stay away. I filed a police report on him to get a paper trail started. I then found out he was involved in a similar incident a few years earlier in which he was shot at several times. I made it clear to my ex that she has an entire week to herself without the kids and this guy shouldn’t be around when the kids are with her. Her parents also told her the same thing. She said she understood and wouldn’t do it again but since then has brought him around more and made it a point to have him there when I dropped the kids off one day. She tells our kids he is the delivery guy and that’s what they refer to him as. She said they don’t know who he really is so it’s not harming anything, I disagree. She even told me that she isn’t ready to be in a serious relationship which makes it even harder to understand why she would have him around the kids. She is a needy person that relies on people to constantly do stuff for her. I was not surprised when I found out she had a guy in less than a month but thought she would be more decent than to bring him around the kids and lie about it. Legally there is nothing I can do as it states we can have people of the opposite sex over till 9pm at night with no overnight stays. At this point I think she does it in spite of me and her parents to prove she can do what she wants and I’m worried that she’s being so selfish she can’t comprehend what the kids are thinking. I don’t see it ever becoming something serious, she’s using the guy and she basically admitted that much. What can I do to open her eyes?

[Mr. Lucky]

What can I do to open her eyes?

 

Afraid you already know the answer - nothing.

 

You weren’t on the same page when you were married, so the prospects for cooperation whilst separated are dubious at best. Best you can do is focus on your end and hope for the best. Sorry things turned out this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JMH5724]

Yes I realize there really isn’t anything I can do. I’m more disappointed than anything I guess. She’s the one who made it a point to promise to eachother we would keep the kids separated from anyone we started seeing. But in her eyes, this is someone she’s known for a long time so it’s ok to bring him around under disguise. She isn’t much of a big picture person and more of always in the moment. I can see this turning ugly once she doesn’t have use for him anymore and just want to insulate my kids from it. She swears he has a heart of gold and would never put my kids in danger. Yet he came after me furiously for asking her why he was around my kids and almost got himself killed once before arguing with a stranger. She’s too blinded by her own needs.

Edited November 4, 2019 by JMH5724

[Mr. Lucky]

. She’s too blinded by her own needs.

 

As she’s been through out your marriage.

 

I have friends who’ve spent $$$ arguing these points thru lawyers with very little effect. My own feeling is you’re focus should be on your own parenting while keeping communication open.

 

Tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Yes you can do something !!! You already had a hostile confrontation with him. Go to CYS, and have them do a background check. If he's durty... get the kids full time based on safety.

[LinThizzy85]

Yes you can do something !!! You already had a hostile confrontation with him. Go to CYS, and have them do a background check. If he's durty... get the kids full time based on safety.

 

I second this. While I know very little about this sort of thing, I would think this is worth a shot. Can’t hurt anyway.

 

Sorry you’re going through this. Your ex wife should know better

[vla1120]

Yes you can do something !!! You already had a hostile confrontation with him. Go to CYS, and have them do a background check. If he's durty... get the kids full time based on safety.

 

I tend to agree with this on the surface, but I would not do it behind your ex-wife's back.

 

Does you wife know this guy came at you? Does she know his history? A violent history to any degree does not bode well for him being near your children. I understand why you don't want him there.

 

Here are my questions: 1. Is he there after 9pm (I got the impression from your post he stays there?) 2. Can you prove that he is there after 9am?

 

I would approach your wife and express your concerns. Tell her that one of you options is to report this to CYS. If they do a background check on him and deem him inappropriate to be near your children, you could get full custody unless she kicks him to the curb.

 

Give her the chance to do the right thing for your kids. He might have a heart of gold, but he's got a short fuse.