I am a codependent moron

[km]

I've posted here before. I have so many different problems in my marriage, that I could post 50 more times, and the post would be about entirely different topics than my previous posts.

 

I've been with my husband 21 years, married for 14. I knew about him before we married, but I still don't know a damned thing about him.

 

Today started out minor. We were getting along. I went out. I came back earlier than he expected, and caught him smoking, which he's been promising he's not doing, even though I've smelled it on him. It's not the smoking that bothers me (though that costs us additional $$ on our health insurance, so it DOES bother me), it's the lying about smoking that bothers me. My husband is a pathological liar. Lies about everything, whether there's a good reason to or not. Lies to my face, then tries to make me think I'm crazy instead of being lied to. Doesn't understand how being lied to can make a person feel. Doesn't understand that, if there's one person in his life he SHOULDN'T lie to, it's me.

 

Anyway, I walked in on him smoking. His initial reaction was shock, small child being caught, tried to hide it, I said something like, "So you are lying about the smoking," he says, "Okay, so I lied," or something pathetic. He tries to cover/gloss over/make ME feel bad. I walk away and tell him to stay away from me. I'm parking my car; he comes down into the garage and tries, now, to convince me that it was a small CIGAR I saw him smoking (he has always admitted to smoking cigars), forgetting, apparently, that he earlier said, "Okay, I lied." I said, "I just don't trust you. If you know what's good for you, get away from me," and he walked away.

 

I went into his shop. I found the key for one of his locked toolboxes and opened it (hell, if he won't be honest with me, why should I be honest?). I found paraphernalia from his past, which I HOPE isn't being used in his present, but I have to wonder why he still has it. My husband used to have a horrific drug habit (injecting) and a related sexual compulsion. The paraphernalia relates to both. I'm inclined to confront him, but this will then be a MUCH bigger issue than smoking and the lying about smoking. The paraphernalia has been in the house for probably 14 years, and there's no evidence he's using it. I just am STUNNED that he feels the need to hang onto it.

 

I don't know this man. I alternate between feeling totally separate from him, to hating him, to loving him completely. Take the bedrock of your existence and, every once in a while, jiggle it around a lot. This is my life.

 

I'm not looking for advice. I know the best advice would be to leave. I know the ONLY advice, really, is to leave. Unfortunately, I'm one of those idiots who believes in sticking it out, when it comes to marriage. There are happy times. There are horrible times. There are times I fantasize that he's dead (god, I feel awful putting that in writing). There are times I cannot imagine life without him. I'm just venting. And, I guess, hoping I'm not the only smart person out there living a very stupid life.

[km]

I'm going to reply to my own post with a comment that's highly chauvanistic, but I need to get it off my chest, and I'd like to find out what other male liars think. I am stereotyping -- I know not all MEN are like this, but are all LYING men?

 

I think a large part of why my husband lies is because he cannot face me with the truth. He not only doesn't WANT to handle my anger at what he's done that he feels the need to lie about, but he is to WIMPY to handle my anger. Be a man. Face me. Own up to what you've done, and take your lumps, and LEARN from it. And, if you think I'm wrong -- if you think what you've done doesn't warrant anger, on my part -- TELL ME. You don't have to make it a fight, but you could make it a DISCUSSION. Liars are wimps, disguised as liars.

 

I am a strong woman. I have opinions. I voice those opinions. Given the opportunity to hear another side, I'll be the first to admit I didn't know something, or could be wrong. I'm never given that opportunity. I am left, in the dark, to form my own ideas about why he does what he does, and so I assume the worst.

 

I'm having a bad day. It truly sucks to know that you've dedicated your life to someone who's just not capable of truly loving you back.

[d'Arthez]

I am not offering advice, just a perspective on the whole situation.

 

From what you describe, it is not hard to get the impression that your husband is a compulsive liar. Lying is his way to deal with reality. His attacks on you, when you catch him in a lie, are simply defense mechanisms for him to deal with you.

 

I must say, I am not too familiar with compulsive liars. But it seems that everything that threatens their idea of what reality should be (for instance you should not have an issue with him smoking, because he wants to smoke) he will either try to hide his behavior, or make it appear that it is all your fault when he does smoke. Something similar can be said about his other behaviors.

 

You have been married for 14 years to this guy. You know that you should leave him, that there is no hope of things improving. Even therapy for him to deal with his issues (which he probably does not have, in his opinion), is not very likely to have a positive impact.

 

Smart people can have a stupid life. Certainly at times. But that does not mean you should be content to live like this. No man or woman should live on imagination and crumbs alone. You may believe in sticking it out, but you should also ask of yourself, if you don't deserve better. My impression is, you do.

 

Edited to add: look at the thread title! The fact that you are writing such a negative thing about yourself, is clearly indicative of the negative effects this whole thing has on you. That alone, is reason to look at options to improve your lot.