Tommorow is the day I find out the truth...

[GuitarGuy7]

I am going to reach out to several women who have rejected me in the past two years and ask them why they rejected me. I have no intention of trying to win them back, I just want to know the truth. In my nearly 25 years of living on the planet, I have no dating life. Women do not like me and I want their perspective on why that’s the case.

 

I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of being blind and being in the dark. I want to know the truth, I want to know what women actually think of me. I feel like people aren’t being honest with me.

 

 

I will start off with the girl who rejected me about a month ago. Then I will move on to girls from the past year.

[Mysterio]

How are you going to frame this to the women? Are you going to be chill or intense? Only way it works is if your chill about it and frame it like a school project. It comes down to two factors. Physical or personality.

[Envy123]

I rejected a few women in the past. All because of one reason - no "spark".

 

That isn't something anyone can work on. Either you're attracted to someone or you are not.

[nospam99]

@OP What makes you think you will learn the truth? If you feel that 'people' (women!) aren't being honest with you, what makes you think they'll be honest with you when you ask them now?

 

'Everybody lies' Gregory House

 

In my experience (bet I'm not the only one) everyone especially lies when the lie is less painful for them than telling the truth. A priori, I'll predict that your most frequent response will be a variant on the possible lie/possible truth of the form ''I am/was seeing someone else''. Next response a variant on a lie of the form ''it's not you, it's me'' and somewhere down the list among the true responses will be a variant of a truth about you lack of physical appeal.

[clia]

Please don't do this.

[d0nnivain]

I am going to reach out to several women who have rejected me in the past two years and ask them why they rejected me.

 

Oh honey please do not do this. It won't go well.

 

Your Asperger's' is working against you here because it's preventing you from realizing this is a lousy idea. It won't work. It will upset you. These women have zero ability to give you answers. Even if they know why they broke up with you, they would feel cruel actually telling you to your face that you did X, Y or Z wrong. Conventional wisdom & human kindness will at best cause them to sugar coat it & tell you something like "it wasn't you it was them"

[Eternal Sunshine]

I predict the reason would be: no spark or no chemistry. Where do you go with that?

[Twizzlestick]

You been watching the film hi fidelity? He does this and just realises the dates he wanted answers from were actually a pain themselves

 

I don’t think it’ll pan out the way you think. At best bemusement. You’ll not get much honesty, and also these people are not the bastion of judgement.

 

You could’ve been dating a psychopath. If you knew this would you still value their opinion of you?

 

One of these could’ve been a serial dumper and monkey brancher with commitment issues and alsorts of weirdness. If you knew this, would you still value their objective assessment of you?

 

Extreme examples, but it’s to make my point. These strangers you dated are Unknowns. I think you’ll just get a lot of chemistry and spark comments anyway.

[normal person]

Don't do that. You're just going to make them uncomfortable, and they're still under no obligation to tell you the truth. Likely you'll just get answers (if you get answers) that deflects the blame away from their own preferences ("I want someone tall)," and towards something mutual ("no spark, no connection") that makes things sound less superficial. I think the fact that you think this is a good idea is symptomatic of some of the issues which prevented you from having success in the first place; you can't even see why it's a bad idea and that's unattractive to people on its own.

 

Of course, what they actually mean by "no spark" is commonly going to be "no spark ...because of x, y, z." They just won't vocalize the last part, because they have no need to make themselves look/feel like the bad guy, or make you feel worse for rejecting you for reasons beyond your control.

 

I feel confident in confirming what you've speculated before: your lack of success can largely be attributed to your height and Aspergers. I'm sure it's a little hard to hear but I imagine it's the thing everyone is thinking that no one is saying. There could be other things, but these are instantly noticeable to women and not viewed favorably. It's not the end of the world, we all have obstacles to overcome in life and have to play the hand we're dealt. Short men and men with Aspergers manage to find happiness and love, Amy Schumer marrying an autistic man is one recent high profile case I can think of.

 

But, you should understand the inner workings of these things: Women universally like men to be taller than them and some will even hold disdain for short men (a lot like men will hold disdain for overweight women) (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201401/short-men-why-women-arent-attracted-enough-date-them), (https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/evewoman/article/2001250209/why-women-hate-and-can-t-date-short-men). These are just the first two articles I found. The internet (and world) is littered with evidence of women's preference for tall men, and often dislike of shorter ones. I'm sure you'll be able to find some marginal examples of women being with shorter men, but you'll be unlikely to find many woman that prefer a man to be shorter than her.

 

So if you're 5'4", you've probably just limited your search to women who were shorter than you, and you're left still wondering why those women rejected you. Well, I think you'll often find shorter women are the ones who desire tall men the most. It often isn't enough to just be taller than the girl, she wants a guy who's taller than her and not short in general. 5'10"ish and up is a common criteria. Some will have to settle for shorter. There are plenty of evolutionary reasons you can look up to suggest why the preference for tall men exists (safety, security, dominance, etc).

 

Also, Aspergers won't do you any favors. Women are incredibly social, perceptive, and intuitive. Social status, social graces, social norms, social relationships, being seen favorably, etc are usually of the utmost importance to them, to girls and younger women especially. Being a liked, respected, member of a group or society is often crucial to their livelihood. People with autism/Aspergers are often unable to understand nonverbal language and social mores that are part of the bedrocks of forming interpersonal relationships and being seen as a typical member of a society. Their lack of awareness of this sort of thing is usually glaringly obvious and often off putting to everyone else (the fact that you don't see why you shouldn't ask women why they've rejected you is pretty telling). That will often make people with autism seem different, incapable, offbeat, weird, creepy, and many things like that because they're not adept at functioning within the social structures and roles everyone else understands.

 

This will often cause people to want to disassociate from the person. So when women (but also men), who treasure social valuable relationships, see someone who can't decode nonverbal language inherent in all relationships which causes the person to be disliked, they will also want to be disassociated from the person as well, because 1). they don't want to be around someone no one else likes as it makes people think less of them, 2). they'll have a hard time being legitimately attracted to someone no one else respects or wants to be around, 3). the awkwardness and lack of understanding in nonverbal language on its own will be particularly unattractive to a woman who's perceptive and sensitive to those sorts of things, even if she's yet unaware how others perceive him socially -- she too will notice the idiosyncrasies.

 

So, you're probably wondering what you can do about it. Well, you should try talking to a professional if you haven't already, they will probably give you better advice than you'll get on any message board full of amateurs, myself included. You could join a support group for people with autism and hopefully meet some people there who won't have the inclinations to view you like neuro-typical people might. If could find a way to connect with other people with autism/Aspergers, it might be a boon to your dating life, especially since women on the spectrum might not hold men to the same standards others do. Here's an article about a dating ap for people on the spectrum, you might want to look into it and/or others: https://www.newsweek.com/new-dating-app-helping-people-autistic-spectrum-find-love-1449552. It might not be a quick fix, but I think it's a better idea than your current one.

Edited November 4, 2019 by normal person

[GuitarGuy7]

I just want to know why every single woman rejects me. what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I attract anybody?

 

I’m nearly 25 and still a virgin! I’ve never even kissed a girl... how pathetic is that? This wasn’t supposed to happen to me, I should be going on dates, having sex, being in a relationship, instead I’m forced to rot in loneliness and pretend I don’t care.

 

I’m not some aromatic asexual you know... I’m hard-wired to be attracted to beauty and to want companionship. So the fact that I’m still alone is painful.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever considered getting a life coach to help you with relationships? I'm not talking some internet pseudo-psych babble. I'm talking a real person to give you pointers, like a dating coach, something like a more affordable version of the advice that TV guru Patty Stangler, the Millionaire Matchmaker gave out.

[Trail Blazer]

Accosting women on why they reject you is not the way to go about things. They're not going to tell you the truth, I don't think. Not the whole truth, anyway. And nor should they. It's unfair to put them in this position. Most women don't like saying the painful truth at all.

 

Look dude, I think you already know deep down why you're getting rejected. You're having a hard time accepting your lot in life and that's understandable. However, the brutal truth here is that it's not anyone else's problem, it's yours and yours alone to deal with.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This wasn’t supposed to happen to me

 

What do you mean by this?

[Flame Aura]

I actually think it's a great idea and has been recommended before, even on this forum. You want answers to your questions, and they are the ones to give it to you.

 

Without the answers though, it's pretty easy to have a good idea. 99% of the time it's because there is no physical attraction. There are things you can work on such as your appearance, dress, the way you engage and talk, but that 'spark' there's no way to prepare for it it's either there or it's not.

[RecentChange]

If a guy wrote me asking why I didn't want to date him.

 

I wouldn't be honest with him.

 

And like others are pointing out, many women will probably do the same.

 

Why? Because listing out the reasons, is mean girl stuff. If a guy is nice enough, as in wasn't intentionally trying to be a jerk - I would just make excuses.

 

I wouldn't tell him it's because he is socially akward, or couldn't hold a conversation, or wasn't interesting, or isn't very good looking, or isn't masculine enough, or or or....

[Art_Critic]

Good Luck, let us know what the results are !

[preraph]

I'm going to make a companion thread to this one in In Search of called "Reasons why I rejected someone."

[The Outlaw]

Believe me kid, there are some things you're better off not knowing. Asking them will only make it worse.

[Mysterio]

My thing is how are you going to ask the women, and not come off as intense and off putting.

 

To be honest. More Women are going to reject men as a whole. There was a Ytube study that has been done in the past. The study was a man and a woman went up to opposite sex genders and asked if they would have sex with them. 75% of the Men said yes to the Women. 100% of the women said no sex to the man.

 

So Women reject more than Men do. Thats the way way it is. So whatever you think of yourself. Women will always lean towards rejection for the most part. Its just that way.

 

I have sort of said this before. This is how you should look at women on a scale of 1 to 10, and where they should be in your life, with 1 being the most important.

 

They start at a 9 for interest. They move to a 6 if your dating and only go up to a 3 if they are your steady gal be it marriage or long term. They never go to #1. There is no need for it. If they are #1, then you are in the most vunerable position to be messed up.

 

Finish up this year and do whatever you want. Starting in 2020. My suggestion is to start fresh. Start qualifying women more beyond the physical looks. It has to be that a conversation where they bat it back to you, and when you walk into their space. They make an effort to connect with you. Also you have to think that your not missing anything, unless that woman really wants to be with you in a romantic way.

 

If you never have a great love, is life over? Society tries to make it seem like one is missing out. Do you actually think that the average couple is all flowers and candy, day in and day out with hugs, kisses, sex on tap everyday. I could see that maybe 2 times a week at best. The real relationship is after the courtship has died down and you reveal your real self. Once again. I think that Jan 1, 2020 should be a new day and era for you. Its not like the women that rejected you, were all great. If they were. Don't you think all the men would be lining up for them.

Edited November 5, 2019 by Mysterio

[Garcon1986]

Where did you fall off the bandwagon in these six steps Guitarguy?

 

 

 

The summary of thousands of hours and thousands of dollars of dating advice is contained here:

 

I think the most helpful first step is to work on your social skills like you have never before worked on anything in your life - devote yourself to it like a religion. Most men who don't practice dating since they were 13 have some degree of what you are troubled with. Then, go through the 6 step Garcon process:

 

1. Step one - portray yourself at all times in the most well dressed, fashionable man you can be. Ask your salon's advice on what is the most physically attractive haircut that will go with your head. Use gel if needed. Physical attraction cuts both ways. You may be able to attract a hot girl, but you must accept that certain hot girls will never date you no matter what redeeming qualities you have because you are NOT THEIR TYPE.

 

2. Step two - portray yourself socially amongst women as a relaxed and easygoing man, who is willing to have a fun conversation. You must beat the stereotype that you are shy, and can only have certain kinds of conversation, regardless of the fact that women unfairly apply the stereotype through no fault of yours. If you share no interests with any woman, it's time to fix that situation.

 

3. Step three - surround yourself with hobbies that you enjoy, which women simultaneously enjoy.

 

4. Step four - spend at least 1 month of solidly talking to a different woman every day, and get over the "stagefright" of approaching a woman you like. You should also spend time getting friendly with women, solely for the friendship, without worrying about fighting the friendzone. The idea behind doing this is to be comfortable in your own skin around attractive women. Failing to do this step proficiently will result in you losing your opportunity once a spectacular woman comes your way, because you will be rejected for being weird. If you are a consumer of porn, it needs to stop right now. It will be like trying to come off heroin - but if you choose to continue porn, a real relationship will be like trying to taste Italian spice after eating tacos with spicy red hot sauce - like an effing candle compared to a blowtorch. You will have such distorted views of women that dating will be meaningless. Why chase sex if you can masturbate and get your brain sex hit at home? No point in dating if you masturbate.

 

 

At this point, you stop and pause for a moment - you are about to jump into dating. If you were not totally comfortable in stage 4, you need to spend an additional month doing it until you are comfortable. Secondly - women will operate in the dating scene based upon what feels right - not based upon what logically is correct or what a man's internal rubric says they should do. Women will do irrational things to you based upon what feels right or wrong at the time, it's a fact of life. It's all about how comfortable you make the woman feel and seeing those nonverbal cues (what's an uncomfortable face versus a comfortable face)?

 

5. Step five - take notes on women around you who show you indicators of interest (playing with their hair around you, a sustained smile, sustained eye contact, asking to be with you, etc etc). Focus initially on the women who like you, and now ask a few of them out on a date. If that particular woman likes you a lot, go ahead, be a man, and kiss her on the way home. Focus on the difference between an interview, a date, normal conversation, and flirting conversation. Focus on the fact that you are getting experience. Don't go for your favorite spectacular woman just yet. Take a step back, smell the roses, and congratulate yourself on some good dating experiences at this point. If you have sex, wonderful. Mentally step back and take in the experience.

 

6. Step six - now go ask out your favorite woman and see how it goes. If it fails, rinse, repeat, try again. Never fail in your determination, and try not to get too depressed from rejection. It happens to everybody - keep your head up and use Loveshack as a sounding board. Everyone gets rejected, it's a part of life. The winners are people who are willing to try just a little harder than the losers.

[NuevoYorko]

They are likely to feel uncomfortable about being confronted like this and prone to say whatever they need to to make you go away.

 

Not trying to harsh on you bro, but they owe you nothing. People are not required to explain themselves to strangers.

[healing light]

They are likely to feel uncomfortable about being confronted like this and prone to say whatever they need to to make you go away.

 

Not trying to harsh on you bro, but they owe you nothing. People are not required to explain themselves to strangers.

 

This is true. Coming up to ask them why will come across as unattractive, as well, since they don't owe you anything. I wouldn't have the heart to tell a man I didn't find him sexually attractive or that he seemed maladjusted/whiney/whatever it was about his personality that was turning me off.

 

Usually, it boils down to a lack of physical attraction and/or finding their personality attractive.

[elaine567]

The winners are people who are willing to try just a little harder than the losers.

 

Or those willing to change their expectations to match reality.

 

In order to get the "cute" girls you have to at least be equally "cute".

[d0nnivain]

GuitarGuy

 

Hopefully you listened to us & didn't do this but if you tried it, what were the results?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Or those willing to change their expectations to match reality.

 

In order to get the "cute" girls you have to at least be equally "cute".

 

 

This is the truth for permanently single men that strongly desire a relationship. I have a friend who was a virgin until 42. He always desired super-hot women when he was below average looking and socially awkward. Once he re-adjusted his expectations, he found happiness. He is now married with a child to a homely looking, overweight woman his age.