My fiance hates my new look

[emz23]

So I've been with this guy now for 3 years. Me 37(f), him 38.

 

About 5 years ago I came out of a really horrible job out in LA; corporate environment; rigid dress code; perfect hair and nails expected. I conformed but hated it; I put on weight, got a bit depressed, constant migraines etc. When I finally quit and moved away I guess I rebelled a little and got my hair blue for first time ever in my life. I went straight from school to college to work and never had the confidence to do anything crazy. Found this totally awesome stylist and I loved the new look, so next time I went an awesome red. I tried a few a few colors and then went full blonde with purple dip. Experimenting was great and made me feel way better. I loved seeing the new colors and the brightness just made me smile. It was so cool working with the stylist to find a great look and planning it all out. Unfortunately the blonde really screwed my hair, so I went through a whole routine with my hairstylist of trying to repair. That meant keeping it my natural color for a while.

 

So here's the problem. About 3 years ago I met a guy. All so great, moved in together, he proposed on vacation early this year and I was so happy. He's truly love of my life (I've not had too many relationships). My family love him. He's been so supportive of everything, from new job to moving town to exercise and training. He took up tennis and got lessons so he could play with me because I said I missed playing I feel amazing, lost a ton of the weight I had put on and feel a whole new level of confidence.

 

So from start of the year I've been planning with my stylist for when we can start coloring again and about 2 months back now my hair was ready again. I went to the salon and we decided I wanted some pink highlights. I thought it looked great and seeing my new style made me happy. When I got home I kind of got the impression he wasn't so hot on it, but he didn't say anything at all (I was hoping he would share my excitement and say wow you look cool or something like that). Couple days later I just asked him if he liked it and he said 'it's not really my thing, but if you like it then that's cool'. I was a bit bummed as I put a lot of effort in and I absolutely loved it. It really took the joy away.

 

So then like couple months later I was in the salon again and I wanted to go red for Halloween/Xmas. I then freaked out a bit and thought 'no I can't do it because he'll hate it' then I got pissed with myself for considering not doing something that makes me real happy. My hairdresser had this new emerald green color that I immediately loved and so thought 'this is me, i'm doing this'. When I saw it on me, I loved it. Text pics to my family and friends and they all said it was cool. Then I freaked out again, stayed out with my sister and avoided going home until middle of the night. I was worried he was going to hate it and I wanted my joy to last longer. Got back and he was already asleep, so I just got in bed. In the morning he got up for work and it was all dark so I said 'hey don't be annoyed with me but my hair's green'. He didn't say a word and just walked out and left for work.

 

When he got in I could tell something was up, as he would barely look at me. I tried to hug him and he recoiled. I just left it, but I knew what was up. So next few days he's acting all weird. I can totally tell he's trying to stay breezy and keep stuff normal, but it's just not right somehow. He's usually real affectionate but he just wasn't. He seemed to be avoiding looking me in the face at all costs. So in the end I just said to him 'what's up? is it the hair? do you hate it?'. He said the same as before 'it's your hair and if you like it then it's cool'. So left it again but still things not right. Week later we had a bit much to drink one night and we had this huge row. I accused him of not liking it and he pretty much came out and said he thought it made me look unattractive. He said he'd always hated unnatural colors and that he wasn't sexually attracted to me with my hair like this. Can't remember his exact words ( I had a few drinks too) but it was something like that. Obviously I am totally bummed about that.

 

We didn't have sex for like 3 weeks. Then when we did, I totally felt like he did it just to make me happy and not because he wanted it. When we finished I just cried and he was totally weirded out, but I didn't tell him my reasons. We're now having sex regularly again but I can't shake the feeling.

 

So I hate having brown hair. I muddled by for the 2.5 years of my hair repairing itself, but always preparing for me coloring it again. For him to hate it to the point of finding me unattractive sucks. But I don't want to have boring brown hair forever. He said my natural color is beautiful on me (chestnut brown). He actually complimented my mom on her hair when she stopped by couple days ago and that bummed me out too (naturally her hair is the same color as me). My mom also hates it when I do colors in my hair, but I don't care what she thinks.

 

I just don't get it. I get loads of compliments from friends, family and strangers on how cool my crazy colors look, but my boyfriend hates it. It's not like its even that unusual these days. I see a ton of people with bright hair in our town and I always think they look awesome. The only time he complimented me was on Halloween. He said I looked awesome in my outfit, but my hair isn't meant to be fancy dress!

 

What do I do here? x

Edited November 4, 2019 by emz23

[clia]

You decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not. You have every right to color your hair how you want, and he has every right not to like it. Neither of you are in the wrong, here.

 

Is there a compromise somewhere in between crazy colored hair and brown hair? What about some colored highlights? What about blonde highlights?

[stillafool]

I agree with above. If having your hair dyed multiple colors makes your soul happy then continue doing what you're doing. I know a lot of men who think it's unattractive and clownish. That's their problem. He isn't wrong to feel the way he does neither are you. Just beware of him staring at women with long natural hair.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry OP, but I totally get where he’s coming from. I would not be happy if my 37-yr old partner came home with green or purple hair. Same with extensive facial piercings or ink up the side of her head. It just shouts “look at me” in a way I’d be uncomfortable with as a couple.

 

As Clia notes, he has as much right to his reaction as you have to yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Sounds like incompatibility. Maybe you aren't suited for each other.

 

Rethink the marriage commitment. Nothing wrong with calling it off now versus later

[d0nnivain]

Hair color shouldn't be a deal breaker but the wild colors you prefer are not everybody's cup of tea.

 

I am a woman & I think bright colors -- pinks, purples, greens, blues etc look childish & unprofessional. They leave me with a very negative impression of the people who sport those colors permanently but I think they are a hoot at sporting events or concerts as long as we are back to normal come Monday morning in the office.

 

I would never in a million years tell somebody else what color to do their hair but I also don't think I have much in common with people who make that choice so I don't have anybody with those wild colors in my inner circle. I'm way too conservatives for most creative artistic folks so they aren't beating down my door to accept me & my personal quirks & views either.

 

Your guy fell in love with somebody who had rather conservative hair. Now that you are back to your preferred expression he most likely finds it jarring & he may fear that he will be judged by association with you by people like me & some other posters who form negative opinions about it. It really is not a taste that is for everybody How would you feel if your hair made your guy's boss think twice about your guy's competence? Yes, that is unfair but it's a fact of life.

 

So what do you want more -- him or crazy hair? It is your choice. What you can't chose is him liking or accepting your hair. Would you be willing to use temporary dies or place the colors more strategically so you can wear some type of up-do & hide the colors once in a while to make him happier?

[elaine567]

I get the need to be "different" and the fun of changing hair colour

BUT you are playing with fire here, you are messing with sexual attraction and you have radically changed your image.

Your man found a woman who was "wife material" a woman he could proudly show off to other men.

Men often consider the woman on their arm as being a reflection of their own worth, you were the epitome of what he wanted.

 

Your man is not a man who is maybe a bit edgy himself, who would love your ever changing rainbow hair.

No, he hates it.

Now he finds he has acquired a "weirdo" with green hair on his arm.

He has acquired a woman he is not even sexually attracted to, what does that say about his value to other men?

His sex drive kicked in after 3 weeks, but he is now no doubt still holding his nose, is that what you want?

 

You could completely ruin a good thing here.

Coloured hair or your man?

Your choice.

[lana-banana]

I know plenty of happily married women with pink and blue and purple hair; I have one neighbor who rotates every few months and it looks pretty great. The idea that it's unprofessional or wild or silly is absurd to me. I get that it's not common for, say, lawyers, but suggesting she's now an undesirable "weirdo" is uncalled for.

 

However, as Clia said, if it's a matter of attraction then you need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker or something you can compromise on. He isn't wrong to like what he likes and neither are you. Talk honestly about it. Explain how happy and confident it makes you feel. Would he be okay with a balayage-type color? What about a few daring highlights? If not, is this worth walking away?

[emz23]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I don't really want to end it with him over this but then I don't want to resent him for not being able to get the colors that make me happy.

 

I never see my boss these days and just speak with him on the phone so it's not of concern.

 

Mr Lucky. You make a point of '37 year old' do you think that's relevant?

 

I guess I could do highlights but he also hated the pink highlights I did before so not sure it'll help.

 

I just don't get how attraction can be so related to hair color. Surely he should love me for me?

[d0nnivain]

. Surely he should love me for me?

 

He should but now he thinks he doesn't know who you are.

 

You need to really sit & talk about this if you two are to have path forward.

[elaine567]

....but suggesting she's now an undesirable "weirdo" is uncalled for.

She is to him, that was the point I was making.

[FMW]

I'm a big proponent of being who you are and feeling free to express yourself freely (as long as it's not hurting someone else).

 

I'm also a realist and know that people are going to make judgments based on your appearance. Some will look at your hair and think you are cool and free spirited. Others will see the hair and think you are immature and unprofessional. It's not fair, but it's reality.

 

As has been noted, your fiance sees your appearance as a reflection on him and he doesn't like what that reflection says with your brightly colored hair. He's also been clear that it's a turn off for him sexually.

 

You seem to have had an extreme reaction to feeling controlled and repressed. My thoughts are that you look for other ways to express your freedom of expression, or accept that your relationship with your fiance won't last with things as they are now. If having your hair brightly colored is a must have for you then maybe your fiance isn't the guy for you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me this would be a no-brainer. I would drop the man and keep the hair. I have done it before (twice). Seems like he lacks any edge.

[stillafool]

 

 

I just don't get how attraction can be so related to hair color. Surely he should love me for me?

 

Hair is a big part of the sex appeal of a woman for a lot of men. I think age does play a part in wearing purple, green and pink hair. I'm not even a fan of them on teenagers but to each their own.

[mark clemson]

Two thoughts for you:

 

- If this is an issue, perhaps you're not as compatible as you think you are; could certainly be wrong in this, but other issues may start to pop up as time goes by

 

- That said, NO couple is fully and completely 100% "compatible" in every way; IMO most successful LTRs are about being able to make reasonable compromises where both partners' needs are meet; naturally the need to compromise goes for both persons involved

[Marc878]

Hair color has very little to do with the issue.

 

It’s who you both are.

 

Find someone else you are more suited to.

 

He’s probably trying to stick this out because he made a commitment but it’s a bait and switch type deal which isn’t going to work out

[RecentChange]

Like others are saying, it's a compatibility issue.

 

My sister's hair is constantly a rainbow of colors, and her husband loves it. He's fairly punk rock himself so it works.

 

I did bright colors when I was younger, through my teens, and if I still wanted to do them today, I think my husband would be cool with them as he's fairly "alternative" himself.

 

But that isn't who *I am* any more - at 30 I stopped dying my hair all together and went back to my chestnut brown which I have learned to love more than any of the wild colors - and now that I am really taking care of my hair, I get so many compliments on it - I am riding this out till greys take me down!

 

I would be very worried if something as small as hair color is causing a major riff between you two. At the very least it sounds like communication really needs to improve, along with clearly conveying what is important to each other and WHY. To me your love for each other should over ride hair colors..... And over ride desire for hair colors. Seems like it should be something that could be quickly compromised on - but it's not. That's the problem.

[emz23]

You seem to have had an extreme reaction to feeling controlled and repressed. My thoughts are that you look for other ways to express your freedom of expression, or accept that your relationship with your fiance won't last with things as they are now. If having your hair brightly colored is a must have for you then maybe your fiance isn't the guy for you.

 

How so? I am not sure how my reaction was extreme?

 

Yes maybe communication is the key here, but I'm not sure why I need to ask permission to get my hair a certain way? What else do I need permission for? Hair, nails, friends, clothes, shoes?

 

Can a hair color really turn a guy off that much?

[stillafool]

 

Can a hair color really turn a guy off that much?

 

You already have proof of this. Your guy is turned off by your hair colors.

[d0nnivain]

It's not the hair color. It's what he thinks it represents. You are more of a free spirit then he understood. The hair color shows that you don't conform. He is more of a conformist then you understood.

 

He's thinking about the wedding & the ideals he had surrounding the mother of his children. Your self expression doesn't square with his vision & it's upsetting him.

 

Rather then dig in your heels & assert your rights to free expression, talk to your FI. If you don't talk about this your relationship will end in a fiery mess. If you talk, you may realize you don't have a future but it will be less destructive. If you talk you may find your way through this.

[Mrin]

OP's story in food - real life example.

 

I love garlic. Garlic on everything. One of my favorite spices. Chili. Italian. You name it.

 

But my fiance has a nose on her like a bloodhound. For some reason, garlic smells awful on me. And she can smell it several days out. If I have garlic on Monday and don't see her again until Wednesday she can smell it immediately. Like when I walk into the room. Now - she likes garlic. Just not when it is on me. She won't kiss me and certainly isn't sexually attracted to me when I smell like garlic. No one else seems to be able to smell it on me by the way. Just her.

 

Consequently, i don't eat food with garlic when I am going to be around her. The calculation goes a little something like Fiance > Garlic.

[nittygritty]

Can a hair color really turn a guy off that much?

 

Of course it can. Especially knowing that you knew he doesn’t like unnatural crazy colored hair.

 

I would think that very few people would look good with green hair. Makes me think of the Joker and Oompa Loompas. Sorry.

[Art_Critic]

I haven't got any real advice but only to tell you what my marriage is like.

My wife can do whatever she pleases with her hair, any color.. even shave it off for all I care and I wouldn't have an issue with it..

She is who she is and I haven't a reason to tell her how to dress or what to do her makeup and hair like.

 

I know a few late 30's women who do the pink streaks or colored streaks in their hair and their husbands are okay with it..

 

I feel like she would have the same outlook if I changed my appearance.

Last year I grew a goatee beard, I loved it.. I liked it made me look but she didn't particular care for it, said it aged me but other than those few words she never asked me to shave it.. a year later I shaved it as I was tired of the maintenance..

 

The other thing is that hair color is temporary, if your blue hair suits you today it may not next month and you may change it..

[stillafool]

It's not the hair color. It's what he thinks it represents. You are more of a free spirit then he understood. The hair color shows that you don't conform. He is more of a conformist then you understood.

 

 

This too. But, I've also heard men compare women with green hair to martians, bright red hair to Pennywise and blue hair to WTF? Most men like natural looks anyway. Most don't like too much make up.

[beldar]

Hair color has very little to do with the issue.

 

It’s who you both are.

 

Find someone else you are more suited to.

 

He’s probably trying to stick this out because he made a commitment but it’s a bait and switch type deal which isn’t going to work out

 

 

 

 

I agree.

 

 

You have done a "Bait and switch", and now he is suffering "Buyer's remorse".

 

 

Did you tell him ahead of time? Or did you just spring it on him?

 

 

Not fair.